Stiff Upper Lip

It is 2:30 in Dallas and there is no word from the mortgage/bank/house people regarding a close date. It is safe to say that we won't hear anything today and now we look to next week for a possible answer. The building manager is graciously allowing us to stay in the apartment until midnight Monday but after that we have to be gone. My birthday is Monday.

I'm trying to hard to be grown-up and understanding and calm about this when all I really want to do is throw a grown-up tantrum. I have no idea what is taking so long at the bank or the mortgage company and of course our mortgage guy is out of the office from Friday till Tuesday. Naturally.

At this point, Drew or I would gladly grab whoever necessary by the collar and make them look over and approve whatever paperwork is holding us up, if we only knew who they were and where they are. I so desperately want someone to blame, someone I can shake and demand an apology. I'm so desperately trying not to make that person Drew - and unfortunately I'm not succeeding as well as I would like. I know he feels guilty that this isn't going the way he thought it would especially since I was so vocal in the beginning about not even wanting a house. I've definitely laid off that kind of talk but I'm growing increasingly frustrated with this whole situation and I'm nervous as to what will happen after midnight on Monday. Milton has graciously offered us his garage to put our things and his apartment so we won't have to get a hotel but I'm not comfortable with that. He only recently started dating his girlfriend and now he'll need to stay with her while we're in his apartment for an indeterminate amount of time. So we're inconveniencing her as well as him and I don't feel right about that. I know he offered and it was his idea but I just hate the idea of staying there without knowing exactly when we'll be able to leave. The way this is dragging on, who knows when we'll get to move.

I've been looking at the home buying process on the internet and apparently until you've signed loan paperwork you can still get denied. I don't want to think about that possibility.

So while I won't celebrate my birthday in the new house, I will be in a new place of sorts. :-)

Trying to keep a stiff upper lip...Pray for me y'all.

Thoughts on things

Being a receptionist is a good and bad thing. The good part about it is that I have ample free time to browse around the internet - I'm close to figuring out a way around the firewalls and then I'll really be able to enjoy myself with facebook, youtube, etc. I read blogs, broswse eBay, and occasionally learn new things. It's because of my ample free time that I learned how to take care of my hair and for that I'm eternally grateful!

However, there is a downside - I am massively over-qualified for this position. I hesitate to say that too loudly lest the employment gods take this job away from me. I have never valued a steady paycheck like I value this one. There is a girl in the office that went to school with me, although she was a finance major where I studied foreign languages which means she's got a cube somewhere and I'm out in the lobby answering phones. I will not spend even one second lamenting the choices I made in my past as my classroom experience was extremely gratifying and I wouldn't change it for the world. It's just that when you have a liberal arts degree you have to work a bit harder to show an employer where you fit in as no employer likes to have to figure out where to put you. Finance major, finance department, nice and easy.

Technically, my degree is better suited to international relations and since I'm not moving to New York to work for the UN or to DC to work for the government, it's the front desk at a property management company for me. But I digress...

It's a mite boring at the front desk! There are only so many (un-blocked) websites that I can peruse in a day. The phones have been quiet, which is nice because it's only people complaining anyway - but then there's no one to interact with. It of course doesn't help at all that all the news websites predict nothing but doom and gloom and the TVs in the lobby do the same. It's a constant reminder that I need to shut up and be thankful for the job that I have.

But I know I can do more than this, I'm waaaaaay smarter than this and it would be the biggest shame if I don't get the chance to even attempt to reach my potential. I would love to be able to go back to school but I'm not okay with incurring more debt. Maybe I should look into scholarships while I'm on the internet all day - lightbulb!!

Still no word on the house - Drew could have gone ahead and gone to Las Vegas; he wasn't scheduled to return till tomorrow. I am growing tired of the living in boxes thing - I wish I had taken more of an interest in the home-buying process. That way I would have been able to intelligently put my foot down when he wanted to pack so early - his excitement drove all reason out the window. But I say nothing because I know I have no leg to stand on. But still...

Tick tock tick tock

Still no word from the mortgage company. With the government changing housing regulations daily, it's difficult to do things properly when the rules constantly change. We have to move by the end of this week so I'm using all my powers of positive thinking to bring that into existence. I will celebrate my birthday in the new house!

Am I wrong?

I didn't get too much sleep last night and woke up this morning extremely foggy-brained. It seemed to take me more than usual to get up and moving today. I preface the following by saying: Drew is a good man, I am happy and blessed to have him in my life and I have nothing but hope and the most positive wishes for our future.

Now I will vent.

You know how you always wished you'd find a man that looks at you every day, questioning how he could end up with a girl as amazing as you? You know how you have a wonderful experience and you want to (metaphorically) have someone pinch you to make sure you're awake? Ok, well I got that. I got a great guy who cannot believe his good luck in finding someone like me. I got someone who is devoted and loyal to me who is genuine in every way. However...

Because he doesn't believe that he could have someone like me, I find that I am put up to small 'tests' to 'prove' my devotion to him. Out of respect for him, I won't go into sordid detail, but suffice it to say I must stick my neck out first in a show of solidarity? devotion? love?? before he deems it safe to reciprocate. It's rather like going into a dark room. 'You go first, no you go, no you go.' You make sure it's safe and then I'll think about it. Now, this doesn't sit well with me as I had my own fairy-tale of my man going into the dark room first, with me close behind. I never saw myself as the stronger, torch-bearing one holding my cowering husband's hand because he was too afraid to go first.

When I asked about this, he informed me that he's never had to pursue a woman, that they've always come to him. With that little nugget of information, his (massively) annoying behavior made sense. I'm sure the tables were turned and these girls couldn't believe that they found a guy like him, because he's definitely a catch. I'm sure they fell over themselves to do everything for him before he even thought to ask. And like men do, I'm sure he got accustomed to it. I almost feel sorry for him....

He and I have been together for nearly a year. Before I arrived on the scene, he was perfectly able to dress himself, wash his own clothes, clean his own house, and make his own lunches. Now that I'm here, he is all of a sudden incapable of doing these things. It's 'what should I wear, I don't have any clean underwear, why is there dust everywhere, will you make my lunch?' When did this happen? WHY did this happen? Last I checked I was not his maid, cook or mother. And he wonders why I'm always 'tired' at night. It's hard to have 'energy' for a grown man that acts like a child.

My dear friend says if that's the worst of it then I'm ok. And it's honestly the only thing we fight about - some variation of why I shouldn't have to take care of him, and why he thinks I should because I'm his girlfriend. Betsy says you have to train them - is she serious? But honestly I wouldn't know, because in the past when I've been this annoyed with them, I end the relationship. That's why I'm single at 32 (almost 33) and I've never gone a full year without breaking up with any of my boyfriends. I do take responsibility for my actions, it's why I'm trying really hard to have patience and look at ways I can improve.

I know he thinks that if I pick out his clothes, do his laundry and make his food then I truly care and want to be with him. I've tried ample times to explain that doing those things only makes me resentful - I am not his maid. I don't know what to do - why can't he just take care of himself and I'll take care of myself and we'll be companions to each other and love each other and it will be a nice grown-up, mature relationship. Is that so much to ask? Am I wrong for wanting that? Can it be had?

Why does love = laundry?

Snags

Aw man! Because of some paperwork nonsense, the closing is held up until Tuesday or Wednesday. Drew just called and he sounded so dejected. My heart just goes out to him, he was practically jumping out of his skin with excitement this morning. He even wore a special moving outfit - don't ask. As he is supposed to leave for Vegas on Sunday and not return till Thursday I'm not sure what that will mean for his trip and our move. He has to be present for the closing and it will take two to three hours from what I understand.

Oh, I feel so bad for him - I wish it were time to go already so I can go home to hug him. He really wanted everything to go smoothly and I know he's disappointed about this. Poor kid.

Of course, the house is completely packed which is going to pose an inconvenience as we now need to unpack the essesntials for the next week or so. What a drag. But in the grand scheme of things at least we have a place to live till the end of the month and it just looks like we'll move next weekend instead of this one. I can live with that. I'm just thankful that we won't have to find a place for the boxes and stay in a hotel - that would have been a nightmare. No, this is just a minor setback and we'll be okay. Still, poor Drew's voice was so sad, like someone had taken away his favorite toy. This is his first house too and he has been excited about it from day one. I'm sad for him that this experience wasn't flawless. But, that's the way it goes sometimes.

Well, here's to living out of boxes and sleeping on the floor for the next week!

Competitive Yoga

In my browsing on the internet I came across this post describing the world of competitive yoga and my face got so hot I just had to run over to my little corner of the blogosphere and rant.

The whole reason the link caught my eye was because I knew exactly what they were talking about and the words alone were enough to get me riled up. Even Drew knows that Bikram is a bad word in our house. So, in essence I'm here to 'stick up' for any and every other form of yoga but bikram.

First, what yoga is - in my humble opinion:
The very word means union, connection. It is a connection of the body and mind and the poses are just tools of the trade. You could go through an entire class doing every single one of the poses but if your mind is elsewhere, you're just stretching. Likewise, if you simply bring your awareness to your breath and allow the rhythmic in- and out-flow of the breath to calm and relax you, it doesn't matter what you're outwardly doing. You can practice yoga anywhere.

The physical practice of yoga is about compassion above all else. It is about working with the body rather than against it. It's about being aware of your body, beginning each practice with a whisper of gratitude to your body for cooperating this morning and waking you up, a thank you for all the things you were phsically able to do that day and compassion for all the things you can't quite do yet. So you can't touch your toes - you don't berate yourself or your body for that. You simply have that conversation, saying 'hey it's cool, maybe we'll try again tomorrow,' and mean it. That's why I can't stand those boot-camp workout classes; they are built around punishing the body, belittling it. Where you are isn't good enough and you will continue to suck until you can touch your toes. They have one of those classes on the pool deck just below our apartment and I can hear the drill sargeant/instructor with a megaphone hollering at those poor people. Our bodies are not to be punished, they are to be appreciated. They are magnificent things designed to be used every single day, capable of greatness if we just give them the chance.

When I first started yoga, not only could I not touch my toes, if I tried too long my feet fell asleep. Any kind of forward bend, seated or standing immediately started my toes tingling. Rather than say 'I suck for not being able to do this' or giving up thinking I'd never be able to, I made a deal with my body, promising not to push through pain if it would help me out. Now, I'm able to put my hands flat on the floor in a forward bend with the greatest of ease and I fully believe it's because I was nice to my body.

Yoga is about accepting what is. You don't have to be happy or sad or mad about it, you simply accept it because it is what it is. Not passively giving up or conceding, rather finding harmony in discord, peace in chaos. I can definitely tell when I've gotten too far away from my practice - little things start to bother me again, I worry needlessly, my temper flares.

These competitions are all about winning and losing, about all but one being not good enough, which totally flies in the face of all things yoga. But of course the only ones who truly participate in them are Bikram practitioners. Bikram is so not my cup of tea...

The rooms are super super heated - like 105 degrees hot. It's to sweat out the toxins and loosen the muscles for the poses they say. Giant no-no. First, people rarely drink enough water in general so the majority are walking around mildly dehydrated. Then you go in a room to sweat out water that you didn't have enough of to start with and what do you get? Muscle cramps and massive headaches. Of course, those that equate pain with progess shrug their shoulders and 'push through'. Hello! Pain is the body's way of telling you something's not right! Furthermore, the instructors are mean! They yell at you if you can't touch your toes, or if you leave the room because you're about to pass out from the excessive heat. I know these things firsthand. I've also had a Bikram instructor cheerfully confirm that he does these things in his own classes. They like it, he says. Probably the same people that think getting yelled at through a megaphone is cool, too. Plus, the heat will loosen your muscles, to the point that you're fooled into thinking you're more flexible than you really are. Then, when you're out of that hot room your body will remind you that it wasn't ready to go that far and you'll end up with torn muscles at the worst and cramps at the least. No bueno.

Yoga is about connecting, about feeling the present moment. How many times have you driven somewhere and arrived without knowing how you got there? Eaten something entirely and have no clue what was just on your plate? Yoga is about enjoying the scenery when you drive, truly tasting your food and savoring every experience, good and bad. Although, in life good and bad tend to define each other so without one there isn't the other. But that's a whole 'nother blog.

My point is, these competitions are wholly contradictory to the philosophy of yoga. Bikram Choudhury is full of ego, precisely the thing we seek to separate from ourselves with yoga. A true yogi (yogini for girls) is ego-free, and saying that your path, your knowledge, your 'yoga' is the only way and the only truth simply shows how much your ego has a hold on you.

I wish I could be more ego-free and not dislike Bikram Choudhury and all that he stands for. I wish I could simply accept that he does his thing and there are people for whom it resonates and accept that it just doesn't resonate with me. But, I still have an ego and I don't like him. I went to one of these yoga competitions with the people from my studio and it was eerie how uptight these people were. It was a stark contrast from our group, smiling and enjoying each others' company. You could feel the judgement and my heart went out to the competitors. I wanted to hug them all and tell them that it's ok that you fell, you can try again tomorrow, you're still awesome!

Sidebar: This is probably why I haven't advanced in the corporate world - I don't have it in me to be cut-throat. It's just not that serious. :-)

Okay, I feel better now. Om shanti y'all!

Packing for two

As I suspected, preparing alone to move is much different than preparing with someone. We had no boxes Monday and I had to stop Drew from taking everything from their respective spots and 'clustering' them as he wanted. I do not understand taking things out of the drawers and putting them in piles around the apartment in preparation for boxes that we'd get one day later. So we lost a packing day on Monday but the apartment stayed somewhat intact.

Tuesday, we got the boxes and we began packing that night. I meant to take pictures of the apartment before we started taking it apart but I very quickly got annoyed and forgot to take the pictures. When anyone undertakes a project with no defined leader, each one thinks their way of proceeding is best - no different with us. He and I have very different approaches toward moving/packing. When packing I am exceedingly cautious - I want every last thing in padding, then in a box. Ideally, when I'm finished packing there is nothing to see anywhere but clearly labeled, neatly stacked boxes, with the most valuable things packed in padded boxes and riding in the car with me. I value my things - I work hard for what I've got and they're important to me. Of course, this is not to say that Drew doesn't have nice things - he just has more faith than I do. His rationale is that we don't have to take that many precautions as we're only moving 'up the street and it'll only be in boxes three hours tops'. The worry-wart that I am, I was not placated with this response and told him to leave certain items of mine alone, that they would be riding in my car with me.

However, I noticed that as much as I was snapping at him last night he didn't snap back at me or lose his patience once. Was he so excited about moving that he was unaffected by my words? Was he having some compassion for me and allowing me to work through my feelings? Was he just ignoring me? Whatever it was, he just took it in stride, even when he suggested we pack my car now and just leave it till Friday - which I immediately shot down, saying that was an open invitation for someone to break into my car. He simply shrugged and went on packing. Normally that would have been at least a ten minute conversation about how negative I am. This time, nothing - very strange.

I'm wondering how I can parlay this good mood into something in my favor.
*stroking my chin*

Movin on up

We move this Friday. Well, we hope to move this Friday - if all goes as planned, Drew will close Friday morning, get the keys and he and the boys will get everything moved before I get off work Friday evening. I know he wants to save money and to get movers to pack, move, unpack, and take away the boxes was going to be extremely expensive. So they got the bright idea to do it themselves - do all men harbor the fantasy that they're still 21? I told him over and over again to suck it up and pay the movers but noooooo, the boys will be able to get it over with, three hours tops. *shaking my head*

I pray he's right - I just told them I want no scratches on the walls or floors and I will be looking for them and if I find them they will get repaired that day. We officially start packing tonight and I have to say I'm apprehensive.

I've never done this before - I lived with guy when I was 23 (almost 10 years ago!!!!) and swore I would never do it again. Never say never right? Anyway, that time I moved my things to my apartment and he moved in with me, which is hugely different from two people making that concious decision to move together. Already I notice the differences.

Drew has not packed one thing yet, believing that packing will take three hours tops (I'm noticing a pattern here). Me, I would have started packing at least a month ago, beginning to throw things out and packing one box a night. I'm trying to breathe and compromise and not freak out. It was hard enough moving out of my apartment and I know this won't be much easier. Moving is just stressful any way you slice it. At least I purged all my stuff in August so there won't be as much junk to haul to the new place. Maybe I'll be proven wrong, maybe it will only take three hours tops.

Yeah right.

Oh happy day!

What a difference a day makes! I'm so glad it's payday, and guess what? I paid off TWO bills today! For the two or three people out there that are keeping up with me, my financial goal for 2009 is to pay off most if not all of my revolving debt. That is a major change for me, as I am a proud member of the buy-now, pay-later club (I have multiple cards to prove it!). So this is really major...

I finally paid off my Victoria's Secret and my Invisalign! And let me tell you, paying off VS and making the commitment not to use it anymore was not easy! They send at least two catalogs a week and the temptation was so great I finally reduced what they send. Now it's down to two a month and it's out of sight, out of mind. Furthermore, I'm excercising my frugal muscle and I got a VS coat from Ebay that I'd had my eye on in the catalog. It was a fraction of the catalog price and it arrived yesterday in perfect condition! I was very pleased and I will return to Ebay and I'm even going to start selling some of my items. I have good stuff that *sniff* will probably never fit me again so I might as well see if I can't get some pocket change from them.

As far as the house, we move next weekend! Drew and the boys will get everything done on Friday and Saturday and then he goes out of town for five days on Sunday. I'm actually really pleased about this because that means I get to set up the whole house myself and put things where I want them to go. I'm excited about that part! In the beginning, I wasn't excited about the house because I had had a set plan in my mind of how I wanted things to go and I always thought that I would be a newlywed when I moved into my/our first home. I really wrestled with those feelings of disappointment and sadness and it manifested itself in negative ways. Namely, Drew thought I wasn't excited about the house and that was a real downer for him because he's super excited about it.

But it was never the house, it was what it represented. I felt like we were putting the cart before the horse. I'm no prude, I mean I already live with him but I drew a mental line at a house. Houses are for husbands and wives, for families and we weren't a family yet (per se), therefore I didn't want a house.

However, (snaps for Drew) we talked it out last night and he really listened and heard me and it was totally resolved to my satisfaction. I felt like my feelings and apprehensions were taken into consideration, he addressed them and the conversation ended on a happy note! Good job baby!

So now, I feel much better about the house and the move and pictures will be coming soon. It's a really great house too, it has everything we both want and I really look forward to having our housewarming party!

Food for thought

In an effort to get my mind off the things I don't write about here, I've been trolling around the blogosphere going where my mouse takes me. Blogs and their writers are such fascinating things - there are those that pour their hearts out, those supporting a business, and those like me that just have something on their hearts that we're compelled to share with these stranger-friends.

My wanderings today took me to all the bi-racial blogs, like mulattodiaries and mixedchickschat among others. It's so comforting to know that there are others out there who feel or have felt the same way I do and are asking the same questions I've asked. I even called my mom due to my ponderings.

The main issue I have is with the hyphenating: African-American, Mexican-American, whatever-American. For me, the hyphenating implies dual citizenship, that you have a birth certificate from another country; that if you went to that country you'd be able to get a job without too much trouble/paperwork. Most people I know couldn't do that - they have one birth certificate, from America. Over at myamericanmeltingpot, she's a Black-American and that really resonated with me. The only ones in my immediate family who could legitimately hyphenate are my mom's parents since they came from Mexico and became naturalized Americans. My mom is American of Mexican descent. My dad is Black. If you want to get technical, he's of African descent, but when is it no longer ok to claim it? I mean, his ancestors came over on the slave boat but everyone since then has lived in Georgia. It makes me think of the people that claim 1/18th Native American. Yeah, you're entitled to do that - I guess. For me, it seems more correct to say I'm American but then it gets sticky because by definition Mexican is an ethnicity and Black is a color, so I'm not of Black descent. I usually just say 'My mom's Mexican, my dad's Black', when people ask where I'm from which is always code for 'What race are you?'

And then I think about my future children. Drew is of Polish descent on his father's side but neither he nor his father speaks Polish. All of his grandparents have passed, and I don't know much about his extended family. We've talked about it, but it's not nearly as much of an issue for him. My babies will be a quarter Polish, a quarter Black and a quarter Mexican with some French and English in there to round it out(and all adorable by the way!). And he wants me to take his last name! (Pieprzyk - sheesh) It means 'beauty mark' in Polish and I asked him if we could both change our names to Lunar, which is 'beauty mark' in Spanish because it sounds prettier. No dice.

I think about reinforcements too - at least in Kansas I have all my relatives. Here in Dallas it's just me - it's really important to me to teach my children Spanish but it's just not the same without family around. I've tried to teach Drew but it's pretty hopeless. He tries, bless his heart. I want my kids to have the same positive experiences I did growing up without the negative ones (being the 'only one' in school, etc.). I want them to know the beauty and richness of the Mexican culture, the strength and triumph of being Black and maybe learn a little Polish along the way.

Radio silence

I'm struggling with some things and in the interest of the parties involved, I won't write about them here. However, since they're consuming my thoughts I can't really write about anything else - I've tried and it all ends up coming back to the same thing.

When I've sufficiently got things sorted out, I'll be back.

Hard Day

Today isn't the greatest day. I don't know what's going on out there in residential living-land, but I got a whole lot of angry people calling me today. It's doubly hard because I am empathetic and I feel their frustration. I know they get the run-around. I know how frustrating it is to call a hundred numbers and get a hundred voicemails. Then they come to me, the first live human and they just unload. The problem is, I'm just a receptionist, I can't do anything. All I can do is send them back out and pray that someone picks up the phone this time. It seems that every other phone call is someone complaining that they can't get a live person on the phone and all they want is an answer - something I don't have. Every other call from that is someone looking for money - again these vendors say they've been calling for months on end with no return phone calls.

They could be exaggerating - they could have only called once and they're just saying that they've called a million times. But then there are others - I can hear the honesty and desperation in their voices. Those that are just looking for their security deposit when they've moved out over six months ago - for them, my heart breaks. I know how desperate they are for that $350. I would be too. I wish people in the company would return phone calls. I wish they had infinite resources so they could pay all their vendors as soon as the service is rendered. I wish everything ran smoothly. But in real estate, it doesn't. When a property is bought and sold, often people fall through the cracks. If you move out the days a property changes hands, or anytime around then, you can pretty much guarantee that you'll fall through the cracks. Between change of management, software, name and policies, your little security deposit gets buried further and futher below the stacks of paperwork. Now multiply that by the hundreds and hundreds of apartments we have across the country and those are the people that call me every day.

I am powerless to help - all I can do is transfer them to yet another voicemail and pray with them that this time someone will get back to them. But when they're angry... I had to dry my tears just now because some terrible man in California ripped me a new one, cursing me to no end all because he was tired of getting voicemails. I had to hang up on him he was yelling so loudly.

I've been in customer service my whole life - retail, waiting tables, flight attendant, and now receptionist. I'm ready to take a couple steps away from the customer for a while - I need a break. I'm tired of people talking down to me, I'm tired of them yelling at me. No I won't go get my boss, yes you can have my name and you better not misspell it, a**hole. I'm a person too, you jerk.

Blogging it out

I'm not pleased today.

I at least met my goal of working out yesterday - I ended up taking a class from a friend of mine at a new studio in Dallas. Unbeknownst to me, I was supposed to have stayed home. Why? Because Drew would rather I stayed in last night. Did I know that? No. He didn't tell me until I had gotten home and we were getting ready to go to sleep! Nothing in the world p****s me off more about him than that. He thinks that just because we're in a relationship I'm supposed to be psychic all of a sudden. When I asked why didn't he tell me that he wanted me to stay home, his response was that he shouldn't keep me from doing the things I want to do. Really??!!!?? If you're sick and you want company, just say so! If you want to be left alone say that too! Otherwise, you cannot expect me to know exactly what you want/need when you want/need it! Furthermore, he's not a baby - he has a mouth, why does he think he doesn't have to use it now that he's got a girlfriend!?

Oh that's right, it's not romantic and I must not care about him or the relationship if he has to ask for it. I say it's pretty da** romantic that you have someone willing to do whatever you ASK them to do (not illegal, immoral, or painful). I have zero tolerance to play guessing games. 'Do you want Cheerios?' 'No, how 'bout eggs?' 'No, how about oatmeal?' 'No, how bout fruit?' I wouldn't even do that with children if I had them! Asking a zillion questions does not mean you care. It means you are not aware enough to know for yourself what you want and that is not acceptable behavior for a grown-up.

But he shouldn't have to tell me what he wants - I should just know. Right. And of course, he asks me what would I want him to do if I were sick. 'I'd want you to do whatever I ask you to do. That means if I want to be left alone and sleep, I don't expect you to sit on the bed and read to me. If that's what I wanted, I would ask you for that in the first place'.

I am not a mind-reader. If you want something from me and I can get it for you, I will either do it or let you know why I can't.

If you don't know where you're going, how do you know when you get there?
If you don't know what you're looking for, how do you know when you've got it?
If you don't know what you need, how do you expect me to give it to you?

No one, including me, likes continually messing up. If I go to give you a hug and you don't want to be touched you're going to reject my gesture. You won't get what you want, I'm going to feel bad. Now if I ask you want you want and you genuinely want to be left alone and I do it, everyone is satisfied. I did what you asked, you got what you wanted. Very simple - so why is it so hard??? If he wanted me to stay home, I would have done it in a heartbeat. Why didn't he just say something instead of tossing out a backhanded comment right before bed, when nothing could have been done??

I don't expect him to read my mind, I tell him what I need when I need it. I am an emotionally responsible grown-up who is self-aware. All I want is the same in return.

Growing up and out

Drew's party on Saturday was a success! I have never done something like this before - in the past I would take my boyfriend out to dinner and have done with it. He got a small gift if he was lucky. However, this time I wanted to do something more for Drew. Since his birthday is New Year's Eve, I feel like he gets shafted out of a day of celebration just for him and I wanted him to have that. It went so well I think we're going to do this every January 31st.

I felt like such a grown-up, making the reservation and sending the evite. I know that doesn't seem like much but it's really major for me. We ended up with about seven couples and we went to a great Italian restaurant and had a wonderful time!

Betsy and me - she's the greatest!

Again, I took lots of pictures but I won't bore you. Sunday, we went to Betsy's for the Superbowl. I like going over there because she has two boys and they have a Wii! Seriously, those things are addictive.

I was rockin out with Guitar Hero

However, I am disappointed - there are some pictures which of course will not be posted here where you can definitely tell that I'm carrying extra weight. I am officially not happy. My problem is portion control - I don't choose to control my portions. If it's good I eat it, usually past the full point. I don't gorge myself, but if it's on the plate, it's going in the belly! It's already February and I've done nothing to get on the weight-loss train. I have to do something - I'm verrry displeased. I don't wake up thin anymore and that is very not ok.

So seriously, for real I'm going to make a concious effort to control my portions and I simply have to start exercising - there's a gym in the building for pete's sake! And not the two treadmills in a tiny room type gym - a full-out gym gym! With trainers and everything. Not that I need a trainer - I know what I need to do to get in shape. It's just so weird that in March of last year I was teaching an average of nine yoga classes a week and had zero weight problems. What a difference time makes, right?

Okay, tonight - the elliptical for 40 minutes! I can't do more than that because I get bored out of my mind. I'd rather do a yoga class but this will do for now. I have to jump start it. And maybe I'll post that out of shape (I won't say fat) picture as my 'before' - but only when I have an 'after'. I want to be where I was last March! Stay tuned!