My visit to the North Country: Santa brought me a panic attack!

 While still in Dallas, we had discussed having family pictures done since everyone would be together and there would be no telling when that might happen again.  I was for it, which was of course before the blue sweater/slipper meltdown.  


However, being the curly hair devotee that I am, I knew I would have to plan as it takes a solid hour and twenty minutes to do my hair from start to finish and my Day Two hair looks better than my Day One hair.  Only a fellow curly will understand that last sentence.  Not leave out my straight-haired readers, but y'all have it lucky.  But curly hair or straight, I know everyone can relate to the effort it takes to ensure a good hair day for important occasions.


I conveyed all of this information to Drew, telling him that since the pictures were going to happen the day after Christmas, I needed to do my hair Christmas Day and I needed him to back me up and help me carve out time between opening presents and Christmas dinner so that I could do my hair.  He agreed - in theory.  My husband hasn't quite grasped my hair situation - when I've JUST gotten out of the shower, hair sopping wet and full of conditioner, he'll still ask me, "So you think you'll be ready in twenty minutes?"  Bless his heart.


Well, Christmas morning came and we gathered in the living room around the tree and opened our presents.  Mama Karen totally outdid herself!  They both were so generous to the four of us and the thought that they put into our presents was so touching and I truly felt like a part of the family.  I'm so very lucky - so many women hate their in-laws or vice-versa and I have definitely been in situations where my boyfriend's parents didn't like me.  It is so awkward to know that another woman hates you without even knowing you, just because she thinks you're not good enough for her son.  That just sucks and I'm so very very happy that that is not my situation.  I just love my parents-in-love! (That's what Katie Balla says and I just love it - it's so fitting!)

Drew got a remote control helicopter - no matter how old they still love their toys.

Julie and I both got these adorable ring-holders. 

I put my rings in to see how they'd look - jewelry and shoes, that about covers it!

Then the boys put on their Christmas hats that they'd had since they were babies.  They looked sooo cute - awww, my baby has such a big head!  That's why moms are awesome - moms keep stuff like this and wives put it on the internet for all to see!

 

Because we need one more picture of Drew in his hat and I like his smile here.

 

After the presents were opened Drew and Koosh just hung out, with Koosh in his chair and Drew on the floor - after all, we're in Koosh's house.  

You can't mess with that Fu Manchu beard.  There are consequences for things like that.

After presents had been opened, Drew wanted me to go with him to visit his grandparents' at the cemetery.  Outside.  In the cold.  I'll say it - I didn't want to go.  I wanted to stay in the toasty warm house, but I knew that Drew really wanted me to go with him so I bundled up and we headed over to the cemetery.  That's what wives do for their husbands - you can grumble and ask ONCE if you really have to go, but then you have to just suck it up and do it.  But it was cold.

Drew's grandparents were born and raised in the North Country.  His grampa passed several years ago but his gram only passed in 2007, so it was still pretty fresh for him.  She was a legend in their town.  "Oh, she was QUITE the woman."  Of course, I had no idea what that meant until I saw a picture of her with blue hair.  And not old-lady blue - I'm talking punk rocker blue - when she was an old lady.  She got her first tattoo for her 80th birthday and I guess she could out-cuss the boys, out-cook the girls and she loooved her Cabbage Patch dolls.  She had over a hundred and she knew all their names.  She sounded cool and I wish I could have met her.  They said she would have liked me and Julie.

The cemetery was just short drive away and Drew knew exactly where the headstone was.  The snow and the cold and the lack of traffic at that moment made everything very serene.  The snow crunched beneath our feet yet the sound was muffled as we made our way to pay our respects.  He introduced me to them and left some candy canes and homemade fudge for them after he cleaned the headstone.

 

I hung in there as long as I could, but the cold is no joke.  The moment I stepped out the car my toes had begun to go numb, but even I knew enough not to complain while Drew was visiting with his grandparents.  I just thought warm thoughts, but that only worked for about thirty seconds.  I tried to be graceful about it and I told Drew that I'd give him some time alone with them, but we both knew I was a wimp and I couldn't stand the cold for even the most worthy of causes.

On the way back home, I asked him about Christmas dinner and when he thought we'd eat.  It was about eleven and he thought people would start arriving around three or so.  I was relieved - that was plenty of time for me to do my hair and makeup and get ready for a houseful of strangers.  I would have plenty of time to change from my sweats and do something with my mass of fuzz on top of my head.

It was with said fuzz on my head, said sweats on my unshowered body and my woefully makeup-free face that I walked out of the bathroom into the kitchen smack into Uncle Ronnie and Aunt Penny and their foreign exchange student Noy.  I may as well have had no clothes on.  It was so much worse when Uncle Ronnie burst out with "Well, THERE she is!"  looking up at me from the kitchen table.  I could feel the tears stinging my eyes and my breath creeping up into my throat.  My head started tingling and I could feel my back getting hot, starting to sweat.  I offered a weak smile and practically ran out of the room, the tears spilling out.  They SAW me!  In my SWEATS!  With FUZZY hair! And NO MAKE-UP!

Mama Karen knew and caught me at the foot of the stairs in a big ol hug.  I was already crying and hyperventilating and apologizing and she just hugged me and reassured me.  I composed myself a little and headed up the stairs to get ready.  I was mortified.  Not only did I make a STELLAR first impression, NOW I was about to disappear for an hour and a half and I couldn't do anything about it.  There are no short-cuts when it comes to curly hair.  You can't just throw it back and hope for the best.

I snuck back downstairs and into the bathroom, feeling every single minute of that hour and a half that I was gone.  Somewhere in there I broke the nail of my right pointer finger and once I was all dressed and made up with my hair presentable I asked Mama Karen for a nailfile.  Once again, I disappeared into the bathroom, only for a few seconds this time to file my nail down.  FINALLY, I emerged and Uncle Ronnie says "Well, I thought we scared you!"  Awesome.  Oh yeah, and MORE people had arrived.  All three of Uncle Ronnie's kids, Jesse, Zach and Seth, Jesse's wife Jen, Cousin Amanda with her daughter Emily plus the six of us.  

I was already in the kitchen and I felt the tears coming again as the new faces looked me over.  Mind you, it was in a very welcoming pleasant way but I was fighting a panic attack so all I could think is that every single one of them was judging me for how long I'd been gone, thinking 'she got all ready and she's not even cute.  I don't know why she even bothered.  An hour and a half?  Really?'  

I couldn't very well run out of the room again but the tears were already coming and I was running my left pointer finger over the right back and forth, back and forth, back and forth in a very methodical crazy way.  I turned my back, hoping that I could just make the tears stop and my breathing go back to normal and just not be a crazy but unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

Before I could wear my finger down to a nub, Drew's dad very quietly came up behind me and took my hand, saying "You're going to wear that finger down if you don't stop" in such a sweet and calming voice.  He rubbed my back, telling me that everything was okay, no one was going to do or say anything out of line as long as he was around, and other sweet things that I concentrated on as I tried to slow my breathing.  

If only anxiety attacks were that easy - if only the panic demons knew the RULES!  If there's nothing to freak out about, DON'T FREAK OUT.  *sigh*  

Christmas dinner continued without incident and if anyone noticed me almost freaking out in the corner of the kitchen, no one let on.  We all crowded around the table and stuffed our faces with prime rib (everyone else), ham (me), cabbage noodles, mashed sweet potatoes, and the most KICK-ASS homemade bread courtesy of the Amish family in the neighborhood.  It was the best bread I've EVER had and I'm pretty sure I ate a loaf by myself the whole time we were there.  It was Heaven!

After dinner Mama Karen had a surprise for us.  She had put together a reception for the four of us and invited all their friends from the town!  How awesome is that!  Thank the Baby Jesus, she told us (okay me, with the crazy panic attacks) about it beforehand.  Could you imagine!  Walking into a HALL!  FILLED with people!  None of whom I know!  HAHAHAHA!  I would have walked in and walked the hell right back out!

But now that I KNEW about it and ENSURED that alcohol would be on hand I was set!  Bring it on!

 

My visit to the North Country - Meeting the brother and Canadians aren't as nice as I thought

The area where Drew's parents live is called the North Country.  It's the upper part of New York State, New Hampshire and Vermont, although they don't identify as strongly.  I asked if Maine was considered part of it but I was told that they're more New England than North Country.  I learned all kinds of things on my trip.  But the main thing is it's way the heck up north.  And really freaking cold.

We flew into Montreal using Drew's airline points and because it was closer to his house that way - his parent's house was only about a two-hour drive from the Montreal airport.  His brother Nate and his fiancee Julie were going to pick us up and we thought we were just going to drive straight to his parent's house when we arrived.

They surprised us with a night in Montreal!  How sweet is that!  It was our Christmas/wedding present, but more importantly it gave the four of us time to get to know each other before we were thrown into the Christmas chaos.  Looking back, I am soooo thankful for that time because I'm sure I would have had multiple panic attacks without having that buffer of knowing someone other than Drew when we walked in the door.

I was prepared for the weather - since it was decided that I was indeed going to have to go through with this, I did my best to steel myself against the cold.  I bought angora socks (from Target and I couldn't recommend them more.  My little toes stayed warm the entire time!), I wore my warmest coat and resolved to stay indoors as much as possible.

Arriving at the Montreal airport.  I had already begun to freeze.

It was such a treat being in Montreal because I love all things French.  I have a degree in it, books in French, I love French movies, all of it.  And I know that they are French-Canadian but for me, just seeing the signs in French and hearing the gate agent make the welcome announcement in English and French was so awesome!

We found out about our surprise when Drew called Nate to let him know we'd arrived.  What a way to start off on the right foot!  They'd gotten a suite for all of us and we had dinner reservations that night and we'd head to his parent's the next morning.  How cool!  Then we arrived at our hotel.

They SMOKE!!!!!!  I mean, Drew told me they both did beforehand, but somehow it didn't click.  It didn't compute.  I may be naive, or all my friends are yoga-fied or something, but I honestly didn't think anyone did that anymore!  Or at least that people did still do that, but other people, strangers, not my new brother-in-law and my future sister-in-law.  I was flabbergasted.  I stepped off the elevator and my nostrils started stinging.  We were on a smoking FLOOR?!  They still HAVE those?  It's like coming upon someone using a rotary-dial phone.  At first, you're confused - why would you still do that?  Then you're fascinated - people really still do that?  Then you want to help - you know they make cellphones now right?  I wanted to take a picture of the sign in French that said "This section is reserved for our smoking clients" but Nate came out of the room to greet us before I could get my wits about me and get my camera out.  I wanted to get a shot of this...this...anomaly.    

We got to the room and the smoke smell was worse and my eyes started to sting.  I wondered how I'd be able to sleep in there.  I better start drinking.

Luckily, Nate is super cool and Julie is an absolute doll.  I'm serious - I adore her.  She has such a sweet genuine energy that made it super easy to talk to her.  They had gotten some wine at the corner newstand that they admitted was horrible but we all laughed and drank it anyway - it was indeed horrible.

We sat in the 'living room' of our suite and chatted, and I felt so much better about things.  They're normal people - Nate has a great sense of humor and Julie was so open and sincere that I couldn't help but like her. 

Nate and Julie

Soon enough the boys moved to the 'dining room' table to chat and left us on the sofa.  We got down to the girl talk - what Drew's (and Nate's) hometown is like since she'd been there more often (they live in New York City), what I can expect when we arrive.  I even told her that I'd had a panic attack before we left - she was very reassuring, saying that it'll be much easier with the four of us together now.  I totally agreed. 

I also studied Drew and Nate and their similarities.  Genetics fascinate me, how children look like their parents, what traits get passed down, how now that the boys were in the same room I could totally tell they were brothers even though Nate is several inches taller.  They have the same eyes, the same chin, and similar hands.  I always look at hands - it's my thing.  I have pictures of my mom and my Aunt Mary's hands and it's so cool how similar they are.  Drew and Nate have the same hands too, Nate's fingers are just a little longer.

Same square hand shape, but Drew has fat fingers just like his fat feet that I love. 

He'll love that I put that out there.

After drinking most of that terrible wine, we bundled up and headed out to dinner.  We were still early for our reservations so we went to a bar near the restaurant and I got to use my French!  The guy didn't even start speaking English once he heard me talk!  That's a good sign that you're doing well - when they don't even bother with your pathetic attempts at speaking their language and just switch to English.  Nate was duly impressed, which is all that matters.  I wanted them to have a good impression of me.

We had a round of drinks and went to pay out when our server informed us that they *can't* take our debit cards, that it had to be cash only.  Thank God Nate and Julie had some cash on them.  We paid the tab, bundled up again and walked over to the restaurant.

We had awesome tapas, wonderful bottles of wine and had loose easy conversation thanks to those wonderful bottles of wine.  Alcohol of some sort should be involved any time you have strangers together and everyone is uncomfortable.  It just helps, y'all.  That's why big weddings that don't have alcohol are so boring.  You put all these strangers in a room with each other and nothing to smooth things out?  Inconceivable!  But I digress.

The bill arrived and again the debit card machine is broken!!  Really Canada?  Really?  Because it looks to me like you have a restaurant full of people who are ALL not obviously paying cash!  With your dumb ol French accents - wee are so sorree, you af to pay ze cash onlee, our masheen, eet ees bro-ken to-night.  Broken credit card machine?  That's all you got?  When you just swiped a card from someone else on a machine that's very obviously NOT broken?  I guess it's just broken for the Americans huh.  You know, you shouldn't treat your NEIGHBORS like that, it's not nice.  Someone needs a lesson in HOSPITALITY.  *I may have been drunk by this point.*

Nate and Julie had to go DOWN the street, in the COLD, to find an ATM so the dumb ol Canadians wouldn't have to pay the additional fee to process an American credit card.  Punks.

Now that I was nice and tipsy the cold wasn't nearly as jarring - yea for that!  I wasn't drunk enough for the smoke smell not to bother me when we got back to the room but that was quickly remedied by the other giant bottle of nasty wine that we had, which I couldn't taste by that point anyway.  So it was a win all around.

We stayed up late talking at which point the miscarriage came up.  It was just me and Julie on the sofa and we were talking quietly so I'm not sure if the boys heard us.  It's not like it was a secret, but I didn't want to make them uncomfortable.  She offered her condolences and I talked more about it than I probably should have, but the blame for that lays squarely with the wine.  It does.

Talking about it now that I don't tear up at the mere mention is very surreal.  It's not far enough away that it feels like I'm talking about someone else, but I do feel like I'm talking about something that's happening in another room and I'm separated by a pane of glass.  It's still accessible but not so raw.  I tried not to go into too much detail because I didn't want her to get uncomfortable and we all know how hard it is to recover from the moment when too much has been said and the awkwardness just hangs in the air.  I didn't want her image of me to be 'the girl that's had the miscarriage.'  It's a part of me, it always will be, but that's not my whole story and I wanted her to know all the other parts of me too.  So I just changed the subject, hoping I wasn't being too obvious.  She and Nate are getting married in October and it's going to be a big huge deal.  She's Italian and there's going to be lots and lots of family.  That's my kind of party.

We went to bed that night and I was very content.  My anxiety surrounding Nate and Julie had completely disappeared - they are awesome people and I'm super lucky to know them!

Christmas Eve morning we got up early and made the two hour drive to Norwood, NY stopping at The Beer Store (such an original name) to pick up Drew's dad's favorite Canadian beer.  Crossing customs with beer in the trunk was so nerve-wracking for me.  Ok, what do I say if he asks me questions?  Do I tell them I'm unemployed?  Do we say that we're from Texas?  Will that make us seem suspicious?  Do we have to pay customs fees on the beer?  Will they strip-search us?  Do I have to stand in the cold?  If they make me get out of the car you have to come too, you're my husband.  You will NOT leave me Andrew!  I can't believe you'd let the Canadian customs have me!  You suck!  Oh shit here they come, everybody act sober.  It was two in the afternoon, we were all sober and I had hidden my crazy for approximately twelve hours.  That's gotta be a record or something.

We made it throgh customs at the Canadian border without incident, although the customs guy did ask me to roll down my window to look into the backseat at Julie and me.  My hand shook a little bit as I hit the button - I would suck as a spy or a drug mule.  I would give it all up the second you looked at me sideways. 

After a pretty uneventful drive, where Nate and I discussed movies and we all talked about spending some summer holiday together, we arrived in Norwood - population 3,000.  Give or take.  It's quaint little town, with big Victorian houses with wraparound porches sat next door to run-down trailers. 

Drew's mom had lasagna waiting for us and Christmas dinner was going to be a feast!  I couldn't wait!

Except that the feast involved great big groups of people that I didn't know.  That I met all at once.  When I wasn't ready. 

About that....

I'm back and I've missed you so much!!

This one will have to be fast because I'm at the library at my school looking for jobs.  I promise.  But I just couldn't wait any longer, I was having blog withdrawls!  Ask Drew!

Anyway, I plan to post allll about my trip to the North Country (that's what they call it, where Drew's parents live) but I figured I'd post about New Year's since that's more of a time-sensitive thing.  Or something like that.

We didn't want to go out to a club or anything like that so before we left for the Christmas trip Drew made a quick evite to see if people wanted to come to the house.  We ended up with about ten people at the house which was a nice little number for me.  I had a minor anxiety attack at the in-laws (always fun) but now that I was back on my home turf I was the hostess with the most-ess!  Geography makes such a difference.

Once again, Drew made wonderful delicious food that I didn't get a shot of because people had already arrived and I didn't want to be hiding behind my camera.  I got a shot of the table though.

So festive!

The best thing was the dog - I'm serious!  We had put her in her crate before everyone arrived but they were all asking about her and the majority of them had dogs, so I went ahead and let her out - on her leash.  The dog was well-behaved.  It was so surreal - I kept checking to see if she was sick or something.  She didn't jump on anyone, knock anything over, or even pee anywhere!  If anything, she was being charming!  She would sit on the sofa, all prissy and let people pet her, even occasionally giving them a chaste lick on the cheek as if to say, yes I'm adorable and I will allow you to pet me.  I couldn't believe it.  This was the first time we'd EVER had people at the house and left her out.  I don't want to gush too much lest the dog-gods hear me and take it all back but it was such a good night I was almost able to forgive her for destroying my slippers.  Almost.

New Year's Eve is also Drew's birthday.  Birthdays are really important to me and I never liked that Drew has to share his day with the rest of the world.  I think he should have his own day and I'm having a party for him on January 31st.  We did that last year and it worked out really well.  However, he needed to have something on his actual birthday so I got him a cake and we all sang to him.

He's so cute.

Keepin it spicy for the New Year!

This was right after midnight - I was eating my twelve grapes for good luck.

It was a great party and I sure do love hanging out at my house.  I'm not to the point where I'm agoraphobic or anything but there really is no place like home.  wah wah waaaaaaaah

New Year's Day we woke up to NASTY hangovers once again.  I think this was due to the sparkling red wine that we tried for the toast at midnight.  We wanted to try something new but I think it bit us in the arse!  Even the dog was pooped - she slept uninterrupted until at least three in the afternoon.  For that reason alone I want to have people at the house every weekend. 

But, along with millions of others I'm sure, Drew and I got on the workout train and we went to yoga Saturday morning.  The car still isn't ready and with only my car it didn't make sense for us to go to two separate places to work out.  He had never gone to my old studio with me so it was a real treat.  He was able to hang in there in a tough and crowded class - I was so proud of him!

During final meditation, the instructor asked us to focus on one thing that we have resolved to make happen in 2010 and really see ourselves doing it.  How it felt to have that thing, to accomplish that goal.  It wasn't so much about seeing the steps to get there, rather what it will feel like to already be there.  She said to manifest that thing, see it happening and know that it will.

Of course, my one thing was have a baby.  The old naive me would have just said get pregnant.  The new me knows better.  Now it's get pregnant, STAY pregnant and deliver a LIVE healthy baby.  That's my one thing for 2010. 

At dinner that night Drew asked me what thing I meditated on at yoga.  "Get pregnant."  No pause, no need to think before answering. 

"Me too.  I was envisioning a little baby."  I was really touched - I wasn't sure if he was really on board and to hear him say that was very heart-warming.  To know that we're going after this goal together makes me feel so much better about things, that I'm not alone in this desire to have a baby.

So yeah, we're officially trying to conceive.  I refuse to write TTC or use any of the other annoying acronyms that I've come across.  It's really not that much greater an effort to type Aunt Flow versus AF so I'm not doing it.  And one thing I REFUSE to EVER say OR type is *baby dance*.  Who came up with that?  And WHY?  It's sex y'all.  Say sex.  In fact, if you can't SAY sex, then you shouldn't HAVE sex.  It's how babies are made and if you want a baby, you need to have SEX.  Geez. 

However, this is not going to turn into a baby quest blog.  I can't let it consume me and besides, there's a whole lot more to me than just that.  We're trying, we are going to be successful, and we're gonna keep it movin.  That's just how that is.

I have to get this unemployment nonsense straightened out and I have to get back to my job search but I just had to say hello.  I've missed you!!!!!