Not a talisman

A reminder maybe?  A note to self perhaps?  Well wait, I'm getting ahead of myself...

I've mentioned before that with all the horrible-ness that has happened, one of the most unfortunate side effects is fear.  I'm scared that this will happen again, scared that it will destroy my relationship with Drew, scared that my body only knows how to get pregnant, but not how to stay pregnant, scared, scared, scared.  It totally sucks and I hate feeling this way.  In real life, I feel fear and barrel right through it, shaking the whole way.  But on the other side I feel empowered, exhilirated and ready to leap tall buildings in a single bound. 

Not this time.  This time I'm paralyzed.  This time I don't want to take those steps forward because I'm scared of what's behind Door Number 3.

Well, I can't live my life like that.  To quote one of my favorite movies, "A life lived in fear is a life half-lived."  (Strictly Ballroom)  And to quote my favorite Bible verse, "Fear not, for I am with you."  (Isaiah 41:10)

I don't claim to be a major Bible scholar and I can't quote too many other Bible verses, but when one gets me, it gets me.  The first time I heard that verse I was about to graduate from college and was on the phone with one of my friends, freaking out about getting back into the real world.  I was standing in Target (poignant, right?) when he said to me, "Desiree, just remember Isaiah 41:10:  Fear not for I am with you."  Talk about a Godsmack.  I stopped and just marinated on that for a second.  No matter what, no matter where or when, I'm not alone.  We're never alone - whatever we're/I'm going through, He's right there, He doesn't leave - ever.  Which makes me think of some other very fitting verses:  "I will never leave you nor forsake you; Behold, I have carved you on the palm of My hand."  (*I just looked these up and realized they are two separate verses in the Bible.  See, I told you I'm no scholar.) I don't know where that is in the Bible, but my mom used to say it to me when I would have to go to school or leave her in some way.  It totally worked then, but the implication now is so much bigger for me.

Oh PS, the book I was telling you about is a total keeper.  I'm not done with it but the biggest theme is that God is God and we have to trust him.  One of the things that really stuck out to me is a passage talking about how God has never made Himself accountable to man and has only asked that we trust Him.  Think about this:  would you go to the highest person at your job, in my case, the CEO, barge into their office and give them a piece of your mind and demand that they give you answers and make some changes for the good of the company?  Oh sure, I would do that - if I was ready to be unemployed!  I wouldn't dream of getting in my CEO's face about anything, so how really can I get up in GOD'S face and demand that he give me answers!?  I mean, for real!  If God really did come down and look you in the eye and assuming you didn't disintegrate on the spot, would you really have the nerve to get mad?  Do we 'get big' just because we don't have the ability to bang on his office door?  Anyway, for me that passage was majorly humbling and gave me pause. 

I mean, it's totally fine to be angry and to cry and to shake your fists and say it's not fair because it's straight-up not, but in the end our only responsibility is to have faith, to know, that unlike the CEO, God is not in the business of cutting you off at the knees just because.  He won't sacrifice you for no reason.  We simply have to trust and know that He is always on our side, which is no easy feat when you're in the middle of darkness.

The book also talked about Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego who I totally remember from Sunday School because they had the coolest names.  It talked about how they walked around in the fire and God saved them, but the part I didn't remember from Sunday School was that they told the king, "We believe God is going to save us, but even if He doesn't, we're still going to worship Him."  I had to read that a few times.  Even if they died, they would still worship.  Even if they didn't get what they wanted, they would still believe.  Could I do that?  Can I turn my face to the sky and say, "Even if I never have children, I will still believe."  Because that's what it's about - believing when things don't go your way, or when God doesn't seem to be present.  That's a tall order, one that I am most certainly marinating, praying and meditating on.

Now, my reply to my friend in Target was, "That's my next tattoo!"  I loooove tattoos and if I had the courage, I would totally go full Angelina Jolie.  So, I started doing some research - I didn't just want the words of the verse because that seemed a bit mundane, rather like writing a grocery list on your hand.  I thought about getting it done in Hebrew but I was nervous about getting gibberish and wanted someone, preferably a scholar to make sure that what I was permanently putting on my body didn't mean I like to kick puppies or something like that.  Enter Aramaic Designs!  I sent my request to Steve and they sent back my translation in Herodian script, which is commonly accepted as the script used in Jesus' time.  Their website is way fancier and much easier to use than I remember it two years ago, which in internet years is like twenty years ago!  

I printed off my translation and carried it around with me for the longest time, waiting for the right moment to present itself.  For better or worse, it did.  If there was ever a time that I needed to keep fear from controlling me, this is it.  If there was ever a time to remember that I'm not doing this alone, this is it.

So, Friday night I went to Casey at Hold Fast Tattoos on Greenville and carved it on the palm of my hand!  Not really, it's on my back. :-)

  This was right after he finished and before he put the Saran Wrap on it.  Let me tell you, that ish hurt so bad!!!!!  Especially the long lines - dude was carving for sure!!  I TOTALLY felt that long line on the left!  Some parts weren't so bad, just mildly stinging, but OMG the other parts!  I didn't think I was going to make it.  But I will tell you what helped me - when it was hurting really badly, my instinct was to ball up my fists, clench my teeth, hold my breath and scrunch up my face.  I reeeeally focused on making all that stuff loose:  turning my hands palms up on my knees, dropping my jaw open, relaxing my forehead, even keeping my eyes soft.  No lie, it really helped, although it still hurt really freakin bad!

However, I am beyond thrilled with the finished product and FYI, it reads like Hebrew so it starts at the 12 o'clock position and reads counter-clockwise.  My original translation was in a line and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it like Angelina Jolie or Victoria Beckham.  Kesha was the one who suggested I make it a circle and as soon as she said it, I knew that was it!

I nixed the low-back tat idea because I just couldn't get down with putting a Bible verse near my backside, you know?  Plus, if God does decide to loan me some babies, I can put their initials inside the circle.  It's not too big and he was really patient with me as I tried to figure out the best placement looking backwards with a mirror.  It's healing nicely, although now it just itches. :-)

All in all I am super pleased, I love it so much and Casey was a total sweetheart!

In praise of doctors and nurses

When all the horribleness that happened, I gained a new respect for doctors and nurses.  I really like my doctor because she is almost always super upbeat and cheeleader-ish.  She talks really fast and brings a ton of energy into the exam room.  I naively thought that all patients were like how I used to be:  healthy, happy and in the doctor's office for easy routine maintenance.  I honestly thought that she had it so good:  come in, make small talk and catch up with her super sweet and awesome patients (me), have a day full of patients like me, and head home at 4pm in her Mercedes.

Getting a peek behind the curtain gave me a new perspective.  I know I'm not the only person in her office that has had a miscarriage or even a problem pregancy for that matter.  I'm sure that after my appointment with her she had to put on a happy face to see her next patient who is having a healthy pregnancy with no problems.  Going from serious to bubbly like that must be so difficult.  Or maybe it's not - maybe she's compartmentalized her feelings so well that she can transition easily as she goes from exam room to exam room.  But my goodness, how do you do that?  How do you go from one room talking to a woman about her dead baby, or God forbid, talking to a woman who's had lots of dead babies, to being happy and upbeat about another woman's healthy baby knowing that you can lose a perfectly viable pregnancy at any point? 

I know OBs see all of it:  birth defects, crack babies, deformities as well as perfect, healthy, happy babies.  How do you keep it together?  How do you deliver a stillborn baby?  How does seeing a woman lose her baby at 30 weeks not affect you?  How do you tell expectant parents that the baby inside that they've grown to love has horrible defects that almost ensure death?   And then, how do you find real joy when a woman has a perfectly healthy baby after you've come from someone else's tragedy?  How do they keep from being jaded and cynical in the face of stuff like that?  I just don't know.

The morning of my surgery, my doctor came in bright-eyed at a little before seven in the morning.  I'm sure she had to do prepwork and stuff.  I don't imagine that you roll out of bed at six-thirty to do a surgery - at least I hope not.  So maybe she was up by 5:30ish which makes for a nasty early morning.  She did my surgery around seven (I think) and maybe did another one before having a full day of office visits starting at 8:30.  And I know my doctor has two kids! 

I just think about a typical day for her.  Maybe she's got a few totally normal pregnancies and she's just keeping watch, maintaining them.  Then it's checking on/counseling another couple of ladies who have lost babies, then a couple with high-risk pregnancies who need hardcore monitoring and the slightest change in anything is cause for alarm.  Then maybe you've got a couple who have struggled for years and years to get pregnant and finally they are.  You're mixing joy and a sense of accomplishment with a massive dose of caution because you are privy to everything that can go wrong.  And that's just a fraction!  That's not counting the pap smears, the STDs, the endometriosis, and all that other stuff!  I'm going to ask my doctor about all this when I have my follow-up appointment today. 

I know there are lot of birth sites/blogs out there that bash doctors and God knows they're not all perfect - there are good and bad doctors just like any other profession.  I just know that I was pretty caught up in my own stuff to even think about what they deal with on a daily basis and getting some perspective really opened my eyes.

And nurses!!!  I have SO MUCH respect for nurses!!!  The nurse that came in and held my hand the first time I had to have my blood drawn was the sweetest lady and was genuinely concerned for me.  I could see it in her eyes.  That same nurse gave me a hug and said she was so sorry when I came back to the office after we had found out. The surgery scheduler was so kind and compassionate with me and it warmed my heart beyond words when she squeezed my hand, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm so sorry for your loss."  I felt it and I was so grateful.  The nurse in day surgery took the time to talk with us and let us talk - we weren't rushed at all and the next day she came in to check on me!  She didn't even have to but she did and meant so very very much.  Her name was Heather and I think she was an angel.  A few days later I got a card from all the nurses in day surgery expressing their condolences to Drew and me.  I don't know if that's standard procedure but I was touched either way.  I carry that card with me in my work bag and I'm so thankful that they took the time out to do that for me.  When I go back today for my appointment, I'm going to find Heather and thank her.

That's why I couldn't be a doctor or a nurse.  Too much sickness and death and tragedy would land me in the loony bin for sure.  As a mostly healthy person, I just never thought about the other side.  I thought everyone was like me - just in for routine maintenance.  Until I was one of them, it didn't occur to me that they take care of sick people.  Duh right?

For sure, there are crap doctors and nurses in the world.  But the nurses and doctors that I have had the privelege of being treated by are some of the greatest and I'm glad that I had them.  I don't think you can convincingly fake compassion and the ladies in my doctor's office and the nurses I met in Day Surgery at Medical City are all right in my book!

My hat is off to you and I'm giving you big hugs Cori and Joleene!  I'm pretty sure you don't hear it enough, but you do good things and even the littlest things make a difference and your patients notice even if they don't say anything.  I promise!  Nurses are the greatest!!

Mothering Energy

You know how nurses will say 'you'll feel a little pinch' right before they give you a shot, and it indeed feels like a pinch but knowing it's coming doesn't make it hurt any less?  I don't know that there's anything to the concept of bracing yourself, or that sitting down makes big news any less big.

All the grief sites I read told me that I would go through an anger phase.  Knowing that information didn't make the anger phase any less intense.  They also said that experiencing anxiety is pretty normal too - that didn't make it any easier to bear.

So when I was reading Monica's post about mothering energy, I vaguely wondered if that was on the menu for me as well.  Let me tell you, it totally is!  I don't know if reading about it created or reinforced these feelings, but whatever the case it is definitely real for me.

I didn't fully recognize it until yesterday.  Sunday when I went on my shopping spree what I was doing crossed my mind.  I can't have a kid, but I sure can have some LAMPS!  It hit me when out of the blue I found myself sending pictures of DOGS to Drew, saying how cute they were.  DOGS.  To Drew.  What is wrong with me?????  He asked me why I was sending him pictures, did I want another one?  HELL TO THE NO!!  What was I thinking?  I mean, in my defense they are super cute and if anyone can tell me what they are, I'd be so grateful.

I found myself daydreaming about carrying around one of these little guys before I stopped myself in amazement!  I can't believe I'm looking at pictures of DOGS and sending them to my husband who would just LOVE to have another dog in the house!  I'm flirting with disaster!

That was when I remembered the mothering energy that I'd read about.  Whoa.  Is that why I'm wanting to decorate the house all of a sudden?  I'm serious, when Drew bought those rugs it was like a gate had been opened and I couldn't stop!  So let me show you what I did last night!

Our front room has no overhead lights - it's the only room in the house without them and the only light sources are the lights in my tree, Junior (I name everything) and the lamp in the corner.  I moved the dinky lamp that was on the nightstand into the front room for more light, but it's not the greatest.  I didn't play with the light amount here to show you how dark the room really is. (And PS, I HATE the speakers underneath the tv.  They look like beetles.  I want to put them in the corners of the ceiling like the ones on the other wall.  That was big fight #386 with Drew because he wanted them near the tv to maximize sound quality.  Who cares about sound quality?  I don't want beetles over my fireplace!  Although it does sound awesome when watching X-Men: Wolverine so at least there's that.  Oh, and Maya had to be nosy and get in on my photoshoot.)

The lamp on the left is Drew's from Pottery Barn and I thought about getting another tripod lamp so they could sort of match.  I found one at target but it was waaaay too rich for my blood.  That's going to have to be a save-up and get-later item. 

I looked at Pottery Barn, West Elm, Crate and Barrel, other lamps at Target but hardly any of them had the drum shade that I really wanted.  Since my mothering energy was on full steam I couldn't possibly fathom getting a base somewhere and getting my drum shade from somewhere else.  I wanted a floor lamp with a drum shade at the right price NOW!

And I found it!  Z Gallerie had one and my hands were literally shaking when I dialed the number - it was like I was on furniture crack!  They had one in stock and I had them put it aside for me.  As soon as I got off work I made a beeline for Z Gallerie to get my lamp.

I moved Junior over to the far corner and set up my lamp where Junior used to be.  Turning on that lamp made me positively giddy!  I was clapping and jumping up and down and Maya just sat in the chair, totally dismissing me.

I had to play with the fill light because the lamplight blew out the photo and you couldn't see much else.  What can I say, I'm no photographer.  I do well to upload what I've got and that usually takes at least three tries.

I had every intention of just getting my lamp and leaving.  I intended to buy one thing and get out.  But like the furniture crack fiend that I am, I couldn't stop.  Everything in the store was 20% off!  C'mon!  That's just not fair.  Oh also, now that there's so much light in the front room, it highlights the ridiculously bare wall above the sofa.  This picture wall is what I want to do to it.

This picture is from Three Men and a Lady who I am totally in love with.  I love her house and you have to go to her blog and see the rest of it.  Crazy beautiful!!!

I realize now I should have done a close up but when you're high on furniture crack you don't think about these things.  Remember how I said I wanted the breakfast nook to be all ivory and mirrors and glass?  I got these two frames at Z Gallerie for our pictures that we got in Paris.  The one on the left is a shot of the Arc de Triomphe and we totally walked by the cafe where this shot was taken (which sounds kind of lame but it's so not!).  The one on the right is a shot of the Eiffel Tower through an apartment window and both are in sparkly frames - I love them so much!!  The book is called The French Room and our friend Andi contributed to it!  She's a brilliant designer and we went to her tres chic book signing and sipped champagne at the tres chic furniture showroom filled with tres chic stuff we'll never afford.  So much fun though, and she totally autographed our copy!

Now my question is, do I leave them where they are and hang a mirror between the cabinets or do I hang the pictures on the wall?  Should I get more stuff for the sideboard?  Glass serving trays or something??  Thoughts??

I also picked up a Buddha and he's temporarily living on the table.  Eventually, I want to put all kinds of glass jars and white ceramic things on top of the cabinets.  When Buddha gets more friends, he'll move to the top of the cabinets.  We got the coasters in Paris too - it was about the only souvenir we could afford!  Never mind my dinner in the corner there - I sure do love my noodles!

When I went back to Marshall's Monday night my bench was there!  Lesson learned:  if you love something and it's on sale, just get it.  You won't be sorry - as long as you love it.  I would have been heartbroken if I had come back and it was gone.  That's why I got the Buddha and the frames even though I only intended to get the lamp.  I loved them and eating breakfast this morning with Buddha and looking over my shoulder at our Paris pictures totally made me smile!

Now that I have the bench and I hung up the other blue curtain, of course I had to take more pictures!  I guess those other pictures were more during type pictures than they were after.  I put matching CFLs in the lamps so the light is better and I changed the sheets to see if the cream would make a difference with the cream bench.  What do you think?

Now, another question:  the bench is almost a tan color.  It's perfectly fine the way it is but I'm thinking of recovering it in a tan and blue stripe to pull out some color from the curtains.  BUT, the rug in the sitting room is pretty much black and tan.  So do I leave the bench as is and get a blue throw for the bed or do I recover?  Thoughts??

OOORRRR, do I recover the bench in the same fabric as the chair in the sitting room and get the blue throw for the bed?  Or is that too matchy-matchy?  I'm planning on getting an oatmeal slipcover for the loveseat in the sitting room and maybe some black-white-tan throw pillows to tie everything together.  Maya does well with the throw pillows in the front room so I'm feeling brave.

Do you see what furniture crack does to a person?  I did all of this in three days!  And I'm nowhere near done!  I want the kitchen to have lots of color and with a black and tan runner for the floor and black and tan curtains - I think.  I've started by putting the plates above the cabinets but I don't know if that's where they'll stay.  I also hung Drew's favorite picture and I'm really liking it!

You can't tell because once again I suck at taking pictures but the witch's lips are super red which brings out the tomatoes.  I was all, ooh look at her lips!  Look at the tomatoes!  Ooooohhh, where's my camera!  Crack, people.  It's a bad thing.  I took all these pictures between 9 and 10:30 last night and 8 this morning before I ran out of the house because I was too excited to sleep and too excited to care if I was late to work this morning. 

THEN, when I got outside to my car I noticed our roses!  I'm not sure if they're still supposed to be blooming but if that's the case no one told them!

Drew gets home tonight and I really hope he likes everything I've done.  It has done wonders for lifting my spirits and I'm so very thankful for that!  Peace and cookies y'all!