And that, as they say, is that.

The bleeding started early this morning.  It was just spotting but it was bright red, and I knew.  However, Sofia had to go to school so I had no choice but to put on an industrial strength maxi pad and head out.

I also had a list of errands to run while she was in school and I figured I better try to get them done while I was still able.  That may not have been the best idea because I had to make a break for it in Michael's.  I had the pad on and I knew there wouldn't be an accident but I was flowing so heavily that it still felt like I was going to pee my pants.  Of course, there was no pee but there were some monster clots.  Thank you Michael's, for having decent restrooms because I was holed up for a minute.

By the time I picked up Sofia and headed home, the cramps had gotten way worse.  Remember the last time I miscarried and I wondered if the cramps were like labor?  Well, now that I've been in labor I know what it feels like, I knew I was in labor.  It wasn't as painful as trying to get a full-term baby out, but my body was trying to expel tissue and it was plenty painful.  I was doing the breathing and the swaying and everything.  It wasn't like this last time.  Last time there was just one cramp, and I wonder if it was because I wasn't as far along as I was this time.  Who knows about these things.  Thankfully, Sofia went straight to sleep right after we got home so I could work through it without feeling like I was neglecting her.  I could grip the countertops and heavy breathe without scaring her.

Because it took some time.  Thank God for naps!  A few mighty cramps and some more monster clots later, I passed the tissue.  By the date of my last period, I was about seven weeks and there was more than a little bit there.  Honestly, it was pretty unnerving, but I couldn't help but feel relieved that it was coming out on its own.

And then it was over.

The bleeding almost immediately got lighter, the cramps disappeared and I felt somewhat normal again.  I had a few moments to catch my breath and try to wrap my head around what just happened, and then Sofia woke up and I was jolted back to the reality of a hungry toddler who needed feeding and entertaining.

That's how the rest of my day went.  We had a dance party in the living room and I was able to keep up with no problems.  We played with her blocks and ran around downstairs in the newly cleared out basement.  Things had changed but they were still the same.

I don't know if it was a true blighted ovum, or there was something in there and the ultrasound just couldn't pick it up.  You know, like last time.  I just know that on some level, a part of me mourns what could have been.

-Drew and I talked about getting a fake Christmas tree next year because the new baby would be here, and we couldn't have him or her getting hurt on needles.

-I'd already picked out the double stroller I wanted.

-I was already dreading the end of the pregnancy because I was going to be due in July and I swell up in the heat even when I'm not pregnant.

.................
Even though I wasn't ready for that positive test, I came around quickly.  I mean, it was a shock to decide one day that maybe possibly probably I might be okay with two kids, and to find out I'm pregnant the very next day.  But I was getting my head around it, only for it to be gone just like that.  All those possibilities, gone. 

That's what I'm most sad about.  I don't know what's going to happen next.  I mean, we're going to keep trying but if I miscarried on the shots, does that mean they don't work anymore?  If they don't, do I have another option?  If I don't, then what?

I think about Sofia too.  I know how trying to conceive makes you obsessed and crazy and I won't do that to her.  Above all, I have to be there for her and I have to make sure that her world remains the shiny happy place it was yesterday and the day before that.  That's my job in life and I won't fail her.

But the thoughts are there, just around the edges.  Okay, I have to wait at least a full cycle, which means we can start trying again in February.  I should get some ovulation sticks this time.  Should I start the shots the week before my period?  Should I find a different doctor?  I should Google my clotting disorders again, maybe there have been new discoveries.  I wonder who else in the world is dealing with this.  I should find them, I should talk to them.  I must figure out all the things.

But I can't do that to my kid.  She needs her mom to be normal.  I need to be normal.  Whatever is going to happen is going to happen and I have to be okay with all outcomes.  Seriously.  It can't be any other way.

My life is amazingly blessed as it is right this moment.  This loss, while extremely disappointing, is not nearly as devastating as it has been in the past and I have my daughter to thank for that.  It's just not possible to be in the same room with her and not feel the most complete joy.

So that's where I put my focus.  I have so much to be thankful for and I have so many blessings, and I know that I will continue to be blessed.

There is a perfect time for everything, and when the time is right, the time will be right.

Thank you all for the kind and encouraging comments, texts and emails.  I am thankful for you.  I am so fortunate that I get to have a support system in you.  Truly, thank you.

Day 39

So, hi y'all.

I have to tell you a story and it's not a happy one.  I apologize for that, but you know the drill.  I write so I can heal and move on.  It's just a lot of words, please read them.

Here goes....

I wrote this post late on a Sunday night.  I put into words what I'd been feeling for a few weeks.

What I didn't mention that I'd also been feeling for a few weeks was sore boobs.  Out of the blue one day, Sofia latched on and I nearly jumped out of my chair because it hurt so bad.  I thought she'd latched without paying attention and didn't get on there right.  But each time she nursed, it kept on hurting.  I had a suspicion, but I told myself that she'd 'forgotten' how to latch and maybe our nursing relationship was coming to a close.

My cycles have been all over the place, and I mentioned that to my doctor when I went to see her.  I was on the 35th day of my cycle, to be exact.  But I didn't raise an eyebrow because I'd been ranging from 27 to 35 days.  I was sure that the very next day I'd start my period.

Except I didn't.

On the 39th day of my cycle, I got into the car accident.  I was shaken up, scared and relieved that I was alone and unhurt.  I came home and my mom urged me to just lay down and take it easy.  I came back to the bedroom and before I laid down, I went ahead and took a test.  Because 39 days *was* kind of long, even for me.  Like any good neurotic person who has ever been pregnancy obsessed, I have pregnancy tests laying around and this one was digital.  I peed, and two seconds later...

I never get used to seeing that.

It's still just as shocking as the very first time.

Immediately, I burst into tears.  I flopped on the bed, put a pillow over my face, and bawled my face off.  My mom heard me and came running. "What's wrong?!  Is it the accident?  Do we need to go to the emergency room?  Are you in pain?  Desiree!  Talk to me!"  I could barely get the words out, but when I did I was like "It's wooorse!  I'm pre-e-e-gnant!"  But then Sofia came in the room and started crying when she saw me crying, so I dried my tears lightning fast. I was still crying but it was under control.

"I'm not ready.  I'm not ready!"

Naturally, my mom was ecstatic and was talking about how this is a good thing and it's going to be okay.  Drew was the same way when I told him.  Poor guy.  First, his wife gets into a car accident.  Then, a few hours later, she's pregnant.  It was a big day for him too.

I was an absolute madwoman getting on the phone to the doctor, demanding my Heparin RIGHT NOW.  Can you believe this woman wanted to wait a week?!  Let's just see what happens???  Ma'am?  In my world, wait a week with no Heparin means miscarriage.  Let's NOT do that, mmkay?  And actually, I'm in my car on my way over there right now to pick up my prescription so why don't you just GET TA WRITIN.  

I got my Heparin and did my first shot roughly four hours after I got the positive test.

You guys!  You would be amazed at me.  I can do my shots now in seconds.  I'm practically a pro!  No more freaking out -  I just do them and get on with things.  Who would've ever thought I'd be able to do that?

I did my shots, I had my pills, and I set about the task of wrapping my brain around being pregnant so quickly and what life would look like with two kids.  We started looking at double strollers and we talked about moving Sofia to a big girl bed.  This was about to be my life.

And then my boobs stopped hurting.

It was no longer painful to nurse and since that had really been my only symptom, when it was gone I naturally freaked out.  Of course I'd had a miscarriage and since I wasn't bleeding, of course that meant I'd have to have the surgery to get it out.  Except I'm not in Dallas with my beloved doctor; this is a new place with strange doctors who want me to wait a week.  Psh.

I called the doctor, telling her I was pretty sure I'd had a miscarriage, because for me, a loss of symptoms doesn't mean I'm lucky.  It means something's wrong.  I could hear the condescension in their tone when I told them I wasn't bleeding.  I could practically hear them writing 'crazy high maintenance pregnant chick' in my chart.  There is really something to be said for having an established relationship with your doctor.

These guys wanted me to get a blood test.  So this past Tuesday, I went to have my blood drawn.  Bless her heart, when Sofia saw the lady with the gloves she burst into tears.  She was scared and didn't know what was going on, so I had to be super calm and happy with her.  Therefore, they did my blood draw like a regular person!  No sweating or freaking out and it was done in less than a minute.  

Later that day, they told me my levels were 4503, which is a good number for early pregnancy.  However, when I repeated the blood draw on Thursday, it had only risen to a little over 5000, when they were looking for it to double.  Add that to a loss of symptoms and that's no bueno.

Additionally, I got an ultrasound on Thursday, and all they could make out was a yolk sac.  They couldn't really see if there was anything inside, although I knew.  

I grew a house, but nobody ever moved in.

They tried to tell me it might just be too early, that I might be wrong with my dates and I'm not as far along as I think I am, but I know.  I know my body; this is the fifth time I've been pregnant for god's sake.  I Know.

Except I might be wrong.  My cycles *have* been off.  I might be wrong with my dates.  I could be wrong.

The doctor would like me to wait at least a full week before repeating the ultrasound, just to be completely totally sure that this pregnancy isn't viable.  However, I don't think I can wait a week.  I have an appointment for Tuesday afternoon and I think I'm just going to keep it.  It will have been five days from the last ultrasound and if things look exactly the same, I think that's a good indicator.

Plus, since I'm not 100% sure, I'm going to keep doing my shots.  If there's a 1% chance that this is viable and I stop the shots, I could never be ok with myself.  BUT, I don't want to keep doing the shots any longer than I have to, so I'm keeping my appointment.

And that's where I am.

I'm sad.  I thought I was done with miscarriages.  I thought we fixed the problem.

I'm angry.  I think it's really fucked up that I was cool with having one kid, and then I have to have this change of heart, and then I have a miscarriage.  I wanted to have one kid because I *wanted* it that way, not because I *can't* have any more.

I'm guilty.  Even though I know it's not the case, I can't help but wonder if I had this miscarriage because I wasn't excited enough, I wasn't happy enough.  I know it doesn't work that way, but I have the feelings nonetheless.

I haven't cried because I have to be there for Sofia.  But I know I have to process this so I can heal so I can really be there for Sofia.  I can't be distracted, I can't be anything but 100% her mom, because she needs me.

So I write.  I write so I can heal.

Because I'm pretty sure I've had another miscarriage.

Finally, I can walk around naked

We got blinds y'all!  Remember our giant windows in the living room?

It made me so nervous that you could see everything from those windows.

So nervous that we got an alarm system in addition to our blinds.

This picture does no justice to how fabulous and wonderful and awesome and PERFECT these blinds are.  I'm in love with the blinds.

I get an obscene amount of satisfaction from opening and closing them.

They're two-inch thick wooden blinds and it's crazy how much 

they transform the look of the living room.

The blinds make it look like a home and when they were installed, I exhaled.  I was so anxious about the house not feeling like a home and I was paranoid that we were going to get robbed any day because you could see all of our stuff without even trying.  Once the blinds were up and the alarm system activated, I breathed a sigh of relief.  I felt like I could calm down.

However, you know when you get a new haircut and it makes you realize that your makeup sucks?  And you could probably use some new earrings?  And the sweater you're wearing is gross?  And when was the last time you bought some new jeans?

That's how I feel about the living room now.  Our awesome blinds have called attention to everything else that needs fixing.  Let's go back to the first picture of the blinds.

Except let's focus on the entryway.  I hung some of Drew's pictures that he got in India and I tried to take a picture of them because they're really gorgeous.  However, taking pictures of pictures without getting the glare from the glass is nearly impossible and it was starting to annoy me, so you'll have to take my word for it that these pictures are beautiful.

Which means that they need something equally awesome underneath and that drawer thing is not cutting it.  It's way too small and with the baseboard heat on half of that wall space, it can't sit flush against the wall.  That annoys the crap out of me because there's this stupid gap and it looks stupid.  Whatever I get will have to be mounted to the wall so it'll sit flush but I have no clue what that should be.  I was thinking about mounting a bookcase because I still have no books in the living room and it's killing me.  Then I could put a basket underneath the bookcase to put shoes and stuff and that way it would make more sense.  I think.  Do y'all have any thoughts?

Then there's the TV wall.

I need to do something to that wall to make it suck less.  I was thinking of putting frames across the top and sides so it's not just a dumb tv on a wall.

like this from here

But I'm not sure if that'll make the room too busy?  I just know it needs something.  And then I have the big ass wall.  I swear, these big ass walls are trying to end me.

See that sad lonely lamp in the middle of that big ass wall?  

I need to do something about that.

This afternoon, I got out my tape and tape measure to do what they call

'a little visualizing.'

With the help of my trusty assistants for scale, we got to work.

With the front door open, it takes away about a third of wall space.  Except you should have something behind the door when it's closed, right?  I don't know about these things.  I did know that I wanted floating shelves and I thought I wanted three, but when I put the tape up I realized that two is plenty.  I didn't want to make the bottom one too low because the dog bed has to live there and I don't want the dog to bonk her head, and I didn't want Sofia to be able to pull anything off the lowest shelf.  Two shelves it is!

Then I got on Ikea's website to check out their Lack shelves.  They only come in 43 or 74 inches, and of course I need like 52 inches.

That middle line is 43 inches and it's just too short.

Then I put up some 'pictures' to make sure that there would be enough breathing room.

The one on the bottom right is an 8x10, the bottom left is an 11x14,

and the top is a tape rendering of a big frame that we have.  I wanted to make sure 

something really big would fit up there.

Since Ikea doesn't have the length I need, I'm going to try my hand at building the shelves.  Oh yeah, you heard me.  Your girl is about to get handy!  Ana White says they're easy to do and I've got all the tools, so why not give it a shot?

Famous last words, right?

Plus, one of these days before I die, the computer built-in will be finished and we can get rid of the ghetto ass towels underneath the cabinet, and it'll actually look like a regular built-in and the wall will be covered and won't look so terrible.

But then I remember that we've only lived here for two and a half months and I need to cut myself some slack.  We've come a long way.

'Member when it looked like this?  You 'member? 'Member?

PS, that link cracks me up.  I have family members that talk like that

completely unironically.

Anyway, that's what's new around these parts.  And of course I'm trying to talk Drew into getting blinds for the whole house because they look so good.  We got 1-inch ones in our bedroom so of course we need them in the other bedrooms.  Everything has to match!  Right you guys?  

Tell him.