Birthday spoils

This past Saturday completed one more turn around the sun for me.  37, to be exact.  So I guess technically I'm in my 38th year, but since no one says that, we'll say I turned 37.  I'm not afraid of 40 but I don't need to get there any faster than absolutely necessary.

This is the fifth birthday blog I've written, and each birthday has been better than the last.  The first birthday blog, I wrote about getting a trip to Paris for my birthday.

Holding the itinerary.

This seems like a million years ago.

By my next birthday, I'd been married and had my first miscarriage.  Talk about surreal.

My lovely hubby also got me my laptop.  

Me and this laptop have seen some things.

The birthday after that was a million times better because I had a Sofia in my belly.

I have no memory of being pregnant.

I always said I'd never forget it, but life moves on and then all you have left are the pictures.

My pregnant friends, take lots of pictures!

I barely noticed the next birthday because I was knee deep in planning Sofia's first birthday party and making 65,000 cakes in pursuit of The One Cake.

My baby was so tiny!!

You remember this?

I seriously laughed out loud when I saw this picture.

They've been good birthdays and I'm thankful each year that I've made it to see another one.  This birthday, I'm in a new town with (very few) new friends, but my family is together, my baby is healthy (who's not at all a baby anymore - she's almost 2!!), and I've still got a little pep in my step.

My one friend offered to hang out with Sofia for a couple of hours while Drew and I had some alone time and we happily took her up on it.  We snuck off to a nearby restaurant and had some dessert and cocktails.

Drew got me a beautiful statement necklace and I hate that 

the picture is so blurry.  But I didn't want to be that guy and have the bartender

take a million pictures so we went with it.

It was nice to have a few moments alone and it really made me realize that we don't do that kind of stuff nearly enough, and my husband is a pretty cool dude.  We should get out like that more often.

After we came home, we decided to go out to eat since we were dressed and Sofia *seemed* to be up for it.  

Again with the blurry pictures, but whatevs.

Making funny faces, trying to keep her occupied until the food came.

She'd had enough of the high chair, so I tried to appease her by having her sit with me.

No dice.

Shortly after this picture was taken, Sofia had a Stage 5 meltdown that required us to pack up our food two seconds after it hit the table, and get on home before she took that whole restaurant down with her.  Eh.  Life with a toddler.  Drew and I had our meals in bed and watched a movie on the iPad which was even better.  It was still a great birthday and I still had a great day.

What's more, my lovely little mommy sent me some shopping money and I promptly went to Target and Old Navy and picked up all the things I've been eyeing.  And yes, I know I complain about my lack of fashion originality and how I used to shop at the cool places, but the fact is, my job as a stay at home mom is a Target/Old Navy kind of job.  How would I look in some Nieman Marcus blouse, having to wash spaghetti sauce and almond butter and pee out of it? (I have had all three of these things on me in the past morning.)  

I'm a stay at home mom and I shop at Target and Old Navy.  When I've got some fancy dinner to attend, I'll make the field trip out to Nordstorm, but for now, this is how I do me.

Plus, it made me happy to hit up Target and fill my cart!

Our dinky doormat was giving me the blues.

This one makes me much happier.

Our old kitchen dish towels matched our old red kitchen,

but was out of place in the new one.

New white towels will match everything from now on.

They're small things, but they make me happy and I get a little smile on my face every time I look at them.  Once my stuff from Old Navy arrives, I may do a little fashion show because it's been ages since I bought clothes for myself.

While we were in Target, I also picked up Sofia's birthday party outfit.

I'll give you three guesses what her birthday theme is going to be.

I also got a phone call from Drew telling me to go to Best Buy to pick up another birthday present.  I thought I was done with presents and honestly I wasn't expecting anything else.

Then this happened.

Oh you can't see that so well?  Let me help you.

Isn't that just the prettiest thing you've ever seen?

This, my friends, is the sole reason for this post.  I could have just been like, 'I got a vacuum for my birthday but Pretty Ricky requires more than that.  He requires a build-up, an introduction.  And yes, I named him.  No reason behind the name other than I like the way it sounds.  And he's just so pretty.  I squealed for a good five minutes when I found out what Drew had done.

And feminists, step to the left.  I got an appliance for my birthday and I'm THRILLED.  I want to make out with it.  It's gorgeous and I love it and I don't care who knows about it.

I have a disgusting hairy dog and her shedding gives me anxiety attacks.  I'd been saying that I wanted a new vacuum but I never in my wildest dreams that Drew would consent to getting another one until our current one completely crapped out.  So I continued to vacuum every day, knowing that it wasn't picking up like it should, leaving behind all manner of dog nastiness in my area rugs.  I prayed for the death of my old vacuum.

So when this guy came home, Drew could barely put it together before I snatched it out of his hands and hit that power button.  Our living room rug literally got a shade lighter with all the crap Pretty Ricky was able to suck up!  I vacuumed the whole house and was fascinated and disgusted by all the stuff that was in the cannister.

Peace out, Barney.  You can handle the basement work.

Pretty Ricky's got things covered upstairs.

Ricky's cannister is smaller but there is no denying he's got more power.  He's so much lighter and has his own pack of tools!  Y'all, I'm in love.

So, once again, another birthday is in the can.  I'm another year wiser, another year more comfortable in my skin and it's back to real life for me.  I finally finished painting the playroom, I'm starting to plan Sofia's birthday party, and we have started potty training.  There's nothing like scrubbing pee out of your newly vacuumed living room rug to bring you right back to Earth.

But it's nothing Ricky and I can't handle.  Now if you'll excuse me, I think I see some dog hair that needs to be taken care of.

Playroom feng shui

It's a good day, my friends.  Sofia slept through the night, I got a good nights sleep and we were out the door this morning and I didn't even forget anything!  Where did we go, you ask?  Why, thank you for asking, because

I WENT TO YOGA!!

Sorry for the all caps but it was the best freakin' class ever, it was just what I needed and I have a meeting with the head instructor on Monday to talk about teaching!!!

Sorry for the excessive exclamation marks, but if I get to start teaching again, well, I don't need to tell you how happy that would make me.

THEN, after class, Sofia and I toured a new preschool.  While I've made my peace with Sofia's teachers doing her crafts for her, I would still like for her to have the chance to do them herself.  So, we went to the Yocum Institute for the Arts, and as soon as we walked in, I knew I wanted Sofia to be here.  There was art and color and creativity everywhere!  It made me wish I was a kid again so I could paint and dance and play musical instruments all day.  The kids' art was all over the walls and every single one of them was different, and looked like a child made it, and It. Was. Beautiful!  I was so excited and I can hardly wait for her to start.  Of course, I *am* worried that she won't handle the transition well and that her current teachers will be mad at me for taking her out of their program.  I kind of feel like I'm breaking up with them when they've been nothing but good to me.  Do you think they would get it if I said "It's not you, it's me?"  At any rate, I have until June to figure out how to gently let them down.  Now watch, I'll spend all this time worrying about it and they'll end up being like, Peace!  There's more where you came from!

Aaaannyway, let's continue these Friday feel-goods with some playroom progress!  When we last left off, I painted the accent wall and I was scared, because It Was Blue.

Go Big Blue!

But I did a second coat and busted out the fancy camera, 

and suddenly it wasn't so scary.

In fact, I kinda liked it.

However, I didn't like the lack of balance.  I had the big honkin' liquor cabinet next to the somewhat delicate sewing table with its skinny legs and the light colored chair with its also delicate and curvy legs.  It was way too heavy on the left side, so I fixed it.

I also threw the baby pool into the other room.  It was getting on my nerves.

Even though this chair is nowhere near comfortable, I plan to sew a seat cushion for it and that'll fix it right up.

But now there's balance!

Can you see some big picture frames above the table?

I'm thinking four big square frames, maybe white to really stand out against Big Blue.

Then I turned my attention to the other side of the room.

This needs fixing.

Problem number one was the kitchen.  Well, not the kitchen so much as its placement.  You might remember, but if you don't it's cool, that I must have an awning for Sofia's kitchen.

Like so.

source

However, there is only one small window for the whole basement and it's right above the kitchen.  If there were ever a need to get out through that window and God I hope there isn't because it's a teeny window, having an awning just beneath it wouldn't be so good.  That means the kitchen had to be moved to a more awning-friendly location.

That's better.  Now my awesome awning won't keep anyone from 

escaping from the bad guys if they're upstairs.

Then I looked at the whole room and that big honkin' liquor cabinet 
was still throwing things off balance.

Sofia ran over to her new kitchen area was all 'I make dinner!' 

while I did a  little switch o' the bookcases.

Plus, now you can actually see the Lack shelf that's going to go above the bookcase.

With the white Expedit beneath it, all that white blended too much.

The light and dark is a nice contrast.

Then I put everything back in its place.

Then I played around with the camera, trying to get some artsy shots.

Sofia loves these books; whenever we come downstairs she'll grab a book and be like 

"Mommy read stories! I feel happy!"

Danny and the Dinosaur was my absolute favorite book when I was a kid.

I hope Sofia likes it too.

The Expedit is just patiently waiting to get filled up with all sorts of cool stuff.

Another attempt at an artsy shot.

These were Drew's when he was a kid.

Sofia loves to boss us around and be like "Mommy Daddy pull train!"

We are nothing but her dancing monkeys.

Drum solo with cocktail stirrers and coffee cans.

This is an abysmal attempt at showing you the whole room, 

but I promise it looks good in real life.

With the dark bookcase opposite the dark liquor cabinet, it makes a huge difference.

The room feels like it's really coming together and I'm so happy with the progress.  However, I just got another project added to my list and I'm hoping to tackle it tonight.

I finally got the second coat of primer on all three doors and the bookcase and 

hopefully I can actually paint them tonight.

Along with the fireplace. Booooo.

I didn't want to have to paint it, but once the doors next to it became 

nice and bright, the fireplace looked horribly dingy and dirty.

So it looks like I'll be painting that too!

I also have to paint that part of the wall right next to the tree.

I was debating whether it should be Krypton or Big Blue so I left it,

but I'm thinking it needs to be Krypton.

Once I'm finished painting the doors, fireplace and bookcase, I'll be done painting.  Then I can get to the fun part - accessorizing!  I'm going to sew new pillows, put up pictures, make a dress-up corner and fill the bookcase and Expedit with all manner of fun and educational toys, games and crafts.  

This is where y'all come in.  What are some things I absolutely need, craft-wise?  I'm talking about crayons, different kinds of papers, different kinds of scissors, that kind of stuff.  I have a playroom board on Pinterest (psst, come follow me!) with all the stuff I want to put in her playroom. 

I want it to be an oasis of learning and creativity and happiness and light and fun.

That's not too much to ask, right?

So lay it on me:  What stuff would you put in your ideal playroom?  I'm looking square at you, kindergarten teachers, kids at heart, moms who've already made a playroom, and all the rest of you who have amazing and wonderful ideas!  

Peace

I've been praying for peace lately.  I've been praying for the strength to make the sads go away, for the power to stand up and take a step away from the blues that have been following me around.

Now to be honest, I haven't had a lot of faith in my prayer.  I haven't been to church in a while, and a lot of my logic and intellect interferes with the blind acceptance that faith requires.  However, it was worth a shot and I'm still humble enough to know that I can't do most things without help.  So I prayed.

And last night, I put Sofia to bed.  Her room was dark, but not so dark that I couldn't make out the contours of her face.  She was nursing (because we're still doing that to go to bed) and her face was positively angelic.  I know moms say that about their kids but this time was different.  I truly felt the weight of her perfect body in my arms, I heard nothing else but the steady rhythm of her breathing, and in that moment it came.  Peace.

I was so relieved.  I actually felt the weight lifting, the cloud going away and all I could do was whisper "Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you."  I stepped out of her room and I was strong again.

This was the final piece.  Because I must say THANK YOU to you.  You, who commented with your well wishes.  You, who emailed me to make sure I was good.  You, who called me to hear my voice.  You, who reminded me that going down the rabbit hole isn't necessary, that I have the strength to stay upright.  You, who reminded me that I'm not alone, that it's not all bad and I'm getting all choked up with gratitude that you have all blessed me with your friendship.

NOW WILL YOU ALL PLEASE MOVE TO READING PENNSYLVANIA SO WE CAN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER PLEASE?!?!?

Because the problems haven't gone away, and the biggest issue is that I'm isolated and lonely. There's a reason they use solitary confinement as punishment in prisons.  We're not meant to go through this life without contact and interaction, and I don't have that here.  

This little town is, shall we say, different.  I read a statistic that something like 85% of the people born here, die here.  Meaning, they don't take too kindly to strangers 'round these parts.  I was at the dentist the other day and I mentioned that to the hygienist.  She was like, Yeah, people are friendly but it's going to take a while for them to really let you in.  I'm sorry about that, like she was personally responsible for the cliquish-ness of the whole town.  It was kind of funny.

But it's true, and it's worse for moms.  They all have their own friend groups, they've all been friends since grade school, they talk about nothing but inside shit and I couldn't join the conversation if I tried.  I'm a member of a couple of moms groups in the area and I'm just about done going to the playdates because I'm totally the smelly kid, off to the side, trying and failing to make friends.  Do you know how hard it is to make friends when you're grown and old and set in your ways?

I'm trying - I hosted a playdate at my house and eight moms RSVP'd.  At the last minute, five of them cancelled, like almost all at once and while I'm a pretty secure person, that stung.  I won't lie, for a minute I wondered if they did that on purpose.

This lack of friends and feeling of isolation put a lot of pressure on my marriage.  I would practically jump Drew when he got home, wanting him to be everything I wasn't getting during the day and when I didn't get that from him, we'd fight about it.  It's not right or fair to him and we're still not good at fighting fair, so our fights got way bigger than they ever needed to be.  You know how that goes.  You start off talking about one thing, then suddenly you're yelling that you don't care about me, you never did, why are we even married and then everyone's just sad. 

BUT.  I'm not sad anymore.  I have peace.  I have strength and I'm going to turn this around if it kills me.

No more burnout.  There is no job anywhere that doesn't give you a break.  If you do have one of those jobs, you don't have it for long before you have a heart attack or you go postal.  Everyone needs a break from their job sometime, and so do I.  I've found a yoga instructor that resonates with me and the gym has childcare so I'm going once a week, come hell or high water.

I've talked with her about teaching as well and if I can get back to teaching, I know that'll help so much.  Having something like that just for me is just what I need.

No more internalization.  It's not fair to my one friend here to dump all my problems at her feet, so I'm going to a counselor.  They're the only people that are cool with you dumping on them all the time.

No more isolation.  I have one other friend in New Jersey and I'm going to see her.  No more excuses.  I need some adult female gabfest time, and I need to quit expecting my husband to be my girlfriend.  Drew's not a talker - he never has been and probably never will be.  He tries, and I'm grateful for that, but there's just no match for two women and a bottle of wine.  I need this, and I'm going to drive to New Jersey and have just that.

I lived in Dallas for 17 years and I've been here for six months.  It's going take some time to make friends, feel comfortable and I'm going to continue to pray for peace with that.

SO!  That's the plan, and for reading all that, how about some pictures!  Drew is out of town for this week, which means that once Sofia is in bed, that time is all mine, and let me tell you, that's just what I need right about now.

Because I've been busy!

I went to Ikea and got my white Expedit.

It took Drew and Sofia no time to put it together and I'm so happy with it!

Remember this?

Then it looked like this.

But having all my sewing stuff right at the foot of the stairs felt cluttery, so I moved it.

So we moved the table and chairs and that felt better.

Drew and I sat downstairs talking paint and he suggested I use the leftover gallon of 

Krypton for the walls.

So that's what I did.

It's starting to look like a real room!

Drew wanted this to be an accent wall.

So that's what happened.

I know, I'm scared too.  But I think I can make it work.

Then it was time for the beige trim.

I will never understand that.

White trim, builders!  All white, all the time!

That's better.

Finally, around one this morning, I primed one door.

One coat of primer each, at two this morning.

Already, this corner is so much brighter.

And that's how far I've gotten!  I have this whole week to get 'er done and I'm confident that I can make it happen.  I have plans y'all. Big plans.  Just you wait.  

It's ALL going to be better.

Again you guys, thank you so much.  For everything.  You're the best.