There is too much, let me sum up

You know how sometimes you get busy living life and you don't really stop to blog about it?  Yeah?  Me too.  But I'm still here, still breathing and before too much more time passes, let's catch up.

Praise the baby Jesus, spring has finally come to Berks County.  Everywhere you look, everything is blooming and it's about damn time.  We spend as much time as possible outdoors and it's wonderful.  

Sofia is learning how to say 'cheese' when she sees my phone pointed in her direction.  She's also too grown for the baby swings.  In most instances, I would be all 'waaahhh my baby's growing up', but I was too proud of her to be sad.  She is turning into a little person and I'm just so thrilled I get to have a front seat to her awesomeness.

Plus, she still needs me to go down the slide with her so she's not growing up that fast.

Sofia, Gracie and Carter are total buds.  It's a rare and awesome thing to make mom friends *and* to have your kids be friends too - we're lucky chicks like that.

One day, I was feeling particularly put together.  Sofia slept for a decent amount of time the night before so I was able to do my hair.  The next morning I was feeling so good, I even put on some makeup!  I was so smug and feeling good about life that I didn't even notice Sofia had swiped my BB cream.

"Mommy, I put the lotion!"  

And with that, I realized that I will never, ever be one of those moms 

who has it together and I should just quit now.

Sofia is getting into accessorizing, and she's loving hats right now.

She's getting to the point where we can't leave the house unless

she has her hat or sunglasses.

My brother got her some Chucks for her birthday and I was like 'let's take some pictures!'

She grabbed her hat and ran outside and if you know anything about toddlers, you know you can't make them do anything.  

That's why it was fifty times cooler that she started posing all by herself.

That same day, Sofia and I took a road trip up north and met up with Chandeen.  

It was so much fun to meet a blog friend and we had a great time!

We hung out at a playground so Sofia could run around and that kid got so incredibly filthy, and she loved every second of it.  I was bummed about her shoes, but I soaked those bad boys in Oxyclean and washed them and they're as good as new!  

However, her leggings are a permanent shade of gray.  

After we hung out with Chandeen, we went to my friend's house in New Jersey and ended up spending the night.  I got some much-needed girl time and it was so much fun to see the girls playing together.

It wasn't a planned sleepover, but those are the best kind.  It reminded me of when I was young and single and would crash at someone's house because the night before was that awesome and epic.  Of course, this time we were buzzed after a glass and a half of wine and we were in bed by 11, but I'm counting it.  

Plus, it was awesome to see Sofia interact with Izabella.  It gave me a glimpse of how she might be as a big sister and I think she'll be amazing.

So that's what's been going on in our world.  It's not super exciting or glamorous, but I definitely don't take these times for granted.  It's good when life is normal and regular every now and then.

How are things with y'all?  Did I miss anything while I was gone? 

The weaning - for real this time

A couple months ago, I wrote about night-weaning Sofia.  It wasn't pretty and I still stand by my statement that you shouldn't wean unless you have to, because it sucks big time.  We were successful and for a minute there, Sofia was sleeping through the night and life was good. 

Unfortunately, a couple weeks ago Sofia was in the hospital and that completely erased all progress we'd made on the sleep front.  I slept with her for three nights - just three!  But that was enough to mess everything up, and suddenly she forgot how to sleep by herself in her crib.  It was taking nearly two hours to put her to bed and we felt like we'd been shoved back behind the starting line.

I never drank coffee until now.

I need it in the afternoons when I start walking into walls.

And if you'll also remember, Drew and I are trying to kickstart my asshole uterus and trick it into giving us another baby.  I looked up the fertility doctors and as it happened, our appointment was the Monday after we got out of the hospital.  We met with the doctor and got ready for the mountain of testing that comes when you have an asshole uterus.

The Doctor:  So yeah, we'll have to drain you of about half of your blood to figure out what's wrong with you, but I'll totally be able to get you knocked the fuck up.

*That's how he sounded in my head.  In real life, he was sweet and kinda nerdy.*

Me:  Cool.  When are we getting this party started?

The Doctor:  When Aunt Flo shows up, let us know.  Is there anything else going on in your life?

Me:  Well, I'm still nursing but that's no big thing right?

The Doctor: SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAATCH *that's him dropping his pen, record scratch, jaw on the floor*

Apparently, when you have an asshole uterus, it will use any excuse not to house a baby, and my asshole uterus is playing the hormone card.  Like an asshole.  Apparently, nursing makes me send out the 'none shall pass' signal and that's probably playing a big part in why I'm not getting pregnant.

At first, I called bullshit because you read all the time about women getting pregnant while breastfeeding so my nursing shouldn't have anything to do with it.  HOWEVER, my asshole uterus is all like 'You're still breastfeeding!  Loophole!  NaaNaa!'

Then I asked the $64,000 question:  Exactly how am I supposed to completely wean?  

At this stage, there is no other option but cold turkey.  She doesn't need it for nourishment and she doesn't understand being able to have it sometimes, but not other times.  Plus, if I'm to get my hormones back in order and give my uterus a good smackdown and get it to hold a baby, I have to wean 100%.  And since I'm old, I don't have the luxury of going home to think about it, to weigh the pros and cons, and let's be honest, procrastinate.  

Nursing is my go-to move.  Whenever Sofia is sad, bored, hurt, fussy, tired or just wants to be near me, I whip out the boob.  There were definitely times that it wore on me, and I was getting tired of her undoing my bra and pulling my boob out anytime I sat down anywhere, but I was scared to give it up.  But Dr. Sweetnerd left us no other choice - he wasn't going to do anymore testing until I weaned because the results wouldn't be accurate anyway.  They cautioned us against saying things like "You're a big girl now" or "You're not a baby anymore" and simply said to distract, distract, distract.  Awesome.

That's how we came to wean cold turkey on Monday afternoon, the week of her birthday party.  No pressure.  No stress.  HA.

No sooner did we walk in the door than Sofia was like "Nursing!!"  I intercepted her little hand as it was going for my bra and said "Baby, we don't do that anymore.  Here, let's have some water!"

That was a mother-effin JOKE.  She looked at me like I'd grown another head and got louder and more insistent.  "Mommy.  Nursing."   Like, 'don't play with me woman.'

She was not amused.

As much as I didn't want to, we bought some pacis in an effort to ease her through the transition.  Miraculously, I was able to put her down for a nap that first day by simply holding her while she sucked on the paci.  Of course, that night she'd gotten wise to the game and it took two hours to get her down because she quickly realized the paci had no milk in it.  We made it through the first night with much screaming and crying and me feeling like a terrible person for forcing such a drastic change on her.

Tuesday night wasn't much different.  Screaming, crying, holding, rocking and finally sleeping.  I also had to pump, because going cold turkey means your body can't stop making milk on a dime.

That's the last of it.

That's the other reason you shouldn't go cold turkey - the mom needs to adjust too.  Because just like that, our nursing relationship was over.  No ceremony, no real time to prepare - it was just done.  I was grateful to have my body back, but it was definitely bittersweet.  I put the larger amount in a sippy cup and gave it to Sofia the next morning, but I froze the smaller amount and I'm debating the merits of a breastmilk pendant.

What do y'all think?  Is it weird?

I just feel like I want something to commemorate this time,

like it shouldn't be over without some tangible reminder of what we've done.

Then again, it's my breastmilk on a necklace, so I'm not sure.

Oh yeah!  Here's something no one told me:  On the seventh day, my hormones completely bottomed out.  I'm talking, laying on the floor in Sofia's room crying.  Calling Drew and biting his head off because he sighed too loud when Sofia wouldn't sleep so obviously he's not ready for another child, there's no way I'm having another kid, so why the hell are we bothering to wean in the first place everything in the whole wide world suuuuuccckksss!!!!!

The next morning, I was all kinds of sheepish.  "I'm sooorry babe.  We can have another kid.  I'm sorry for yelling at you.  I hate my hormones; are you sure you want to do this?  I'm not even pregnant yet!"  My husband is not perfect but man, he gets major points for handling my crazy because I get scary when I get hormonal.

So yeah, it hasn't been pretty.  The night before her party, it took Sofia two hours to finally get to sleep, but the good news is, she doesn't need the paci anymore.  She only used it a couple of nights and then she was like No chupie!  Unfortunately, at bedtime she wants us to sit in the chair and hold her in our lap, covered with a blanket until she falls asleep.  If we try and get up and she's not asleep yet, settle in buddy.  You're in for a long night.

I have no idea how long weaning takes and I figure as long as she's asking for nursing, she's not weaned yet.  And I know that holding her in the chair until she falls asleep is just exchanging one crutch for another, but cold turkey weaning and crying it out is more than I want to put her through right now.  I may be singing a different tune in a month but for now, this is how we're making it work.

Once I've gone four weeks without nursing, the doctors will resume testing and we'll get this show on the road.  As for Sofia, she's doing better each day.  She's only asked for it once today and a gentle redirect usually does the trick.  I offer her water, a snack pouch, we go outside, or we go to the playroom and she seems to get the message.  I give her lots of hugs and kisses and we cuddle all the time so she doesn't feel the loss as much.  She's still not back to sleeping through the night, but I'm confident that she'll get back to it.  This transition isn't easy on her and she's been handling it like a champ.

On the other hand, I've had to resist the temptation to nurse because I didn't know that last time was going to be our last time.  I know our relationship is growing and evolving and is only going to get better, and as challenging as nursing was at times, I'm still coming to grips with the fact that it's over.  That was the last thing that only I could do for her, and for better or worse, it's gone now.

Wean Me Gently

by Cathy Cardall

I know I look so big to you, 

Maybe I seem too big for the needs I have. 

But no matter how big we get, 

We still have needs that are important to us. 

I know that our relationship is growing and changing, 

But I still need you. 

I need your warmth and closeness, 

Especially at the end of the day 

When we snuggle up in bed. 

Please don't get too busy for us to nurse. 

I know you think I can be patient, 

Or find something to take the place of a nursing; 

A book, a glass of something, 

But nothing can take your place when I need you. 

Sometimes just cuddling with you, 

Having you near me is enough. 

I guess I am growing and becoming independent, 

But please be there. 

This bond we have is so strong and so important to me, 

Please don't break it abruptly. 

Wean me gently, 

Because I am your mother, 

And my heart is tender.

Excuse me, ah, I *ahem* have something *sniffsniff* in my eye...

Anatomy of a birthday

Sorry I've been MIA, y'all.  A week in the hospital followed by a week of party planning followed by said party can really take it out of you.  Oh yeah, and let's throw some cold-turkey weaning right into the middle of that little swirling vortex of chaos to make it really fun.  But we'll talk about that later.  I put up a really bitchy woe-is-me post but I deleted it, because I need to focus on the happy, and what's happier than Sofia's birthday party!  Nothing I tell you, nothing.  So let's recap before she turns three, shall we?

I got her invitations from Melissa at Sleeping Owl Creations

and was so happy with the way they turned out!

I put them on some cardstock to beef them up and dropped them in the mail!

Originally, Sofia's birthday party was supposed to be April 6th, but she got out of the hospital on the 5th, so that wasn't going to happen.  Even though she was pretty much back to normal when they discharged us, we all needed time to settle back in, so I pushed it back a week to the 13th.  My mom had arrived on the 5th and was going to stay until the 14th, and it was really important that she get to be there for her grandbaby's birthday.  I thought an extra week to plan would help with the stress, but of course we had to start weaning that week, so yeah, there was much stress.  But that's a whole different post.

Sofia's actual birthday was the 11th, and just the four of us had a little party.  I made a small cake and like the true procrastinator that I am, I got a tin of Betty Crocker frosting and a generic candle from Rite Aid when I went to pick up the pizza we ordered for dinner (which wasn't Domino's.  It was from the 'authentic' Italian place in town and it was still disgusting.  Guess I'll be making my own pizza from now on...)

The good news is, Sofia didn't mind one little bit.  Please excuse my ridiculous high-pitched mom voice.

Ironically, Sofia doesn't have much of a sweet tooth,

 but she was digging the chocolate frosting.

Tearing into her present from Mommy and Daddy.

At first, she was really delicate with it.

Then she started getting all Jerry Lee Lewis with it.

Butts and feet are just as good as hands on a piano, don't you know.

It was a nice, chill evening with just family but soon enough it was time for the big show.

I told myself that this year, I wasn't going to go overboard.  I told myself that I'd keep it small and simple, that I wouldn't stress out.

Yeah.  Right.

I went to Party City and lost my mind.  I snatched up everything they had in the rainbow Gabba colors.  They had a small selection of Gabba party supplies and I cleaned it out.  I walked out of there loaded down with everything rainbow and Gabba.  My house looked like Gabba exploded in it and I loved it.

I bought some foamcore and cut out a number 2 with an exacto knife.

My mom dyed the coffee filters and glued them on the board and I loved how it turned out.

You know I have to have my ombre somewhere, and I've decided that every birthday

from now on has to have some ombre element.

Sofia loved the backdrop.  She was running up and slapping each character, going

"This! Muno!  This! Plex!  This! Toodee!  This! Brobee!"

There was a ton of food.  We had subs, meatballs, fruit salad, veggie cups, beet chips, goldfish, cupcakes and cake.  We've been eating subs and meatballs all this week.

Look!  A tutu cake!

We got regular plates and cups from Ikea so we wouldn't go too crazy with the Gabba theme.

We also swagged the cheap tablecloths from the chandelier and put balloons at the corner but it was hard to get a good shot of them.

You can sort of see it here.

You get the idea, right?

I even got some DJ Lance glasses so everyone could put them on and get their pictures in front of the backdrop.

Take 1

Take 2

Take 3.  Well, it was a good idea, anyway.

Then we took the party outside for some bubble blowing time.

It was definitely a high point for Sofia and Gracie.

After that, the party moved to the playroom for the cake.

I will completely admit that I corralled everyone downstairs solely because we 

decorated and I wanted everyone to appreciate Drew's and my mom's hard work.

This party would not have happened without my mom's help.

She and Drew worked so hard to bring my vision to life.

How awesome is my mom in her DJ Lance glasses!

I tried to color the cake with raspberries but it came out gray, so I caved and put a few drops of pink food coloring.  I was sad because the cake didn't turn out as well as I would've liked, but because I have awesome friends, no one said a word.  

Besides, Sofia just liked blowing out the candle.

And I'm totally due for a playroom update because this table is new, 

along with lots of other stuff!

Sofia and Carter gettin' down on the karaoke machine.

"When I say Hey, you say Ho! Hey! Ho!"

You have to use your imagination but right here, Sofia was singing

Biz' birthday song and it was HILARIOUS.

The party was two hours long and that was perfect.  We had a lot of fun and everything went off without a hitch.  I wasn't able to get pictures of everyone in their glasses in front of the backdrop, but that's ok.

I had a vision of getting a picture of all the kids in their glasses, 

but this was the best I could do.  Babies don't understand vision.

Everyone got their own t-shirt as a party favor.

The onesies were my favorites.

After everyone left, we started opening presents.

Sofia is one lucky little girl, I tell you what.

I mean, Grandma got her some Sperrys!

I'm nowhere near cool enough to pull off Sperrys and my kid does it with ease.

It was an amazing day and Sofia had a blast.  However, if we're being completely honest here, I'm glad it's over.  As much as I want to just do things small, when it comes to Sofia and celebrating the day she was born, small just isn't in my vocabulary.  The day she came into our lives is no small day and I just can't celebrate it in a small way.  And yes, I know Sofia could care less about a tablecloth canopy or streamers or even cake, but I just can't see having a birthday party without all that.

That's why I'm not even bothering to make promises about next year.  She's my baby, she always will be and there aren't enough balloons, cake, or streamers in the world to match how happy she makes me.  So even though I was up until two in the morning hanging things and making beet chips thirty minutes before the guests came, I'd do it all again.

I'm just glad I have a year to recover.

Happy Birthday Sofia.  You're my best gift and I love you.