Statistics do not matter to the individual

Ok, here I go.  I'm going to try my hardest not to stir the pot, not to fan the flames, not to rabble-rouse.


But holy shit, get pregnant and your ute is up for grabs!  Your mild-mannered friends and relatives will suddenly become rabid upon mention of an idea or notion that contradicts what they have deemed to be right and true and holy.


I'm 15 weeks into this gig and lawd lawd lawd!  Before I had a viable pregnancy, discussions about the birth process were strictly theory, as that finish line was so far off that it seemed nothing more than a topic for debate.  But now that my chances look better with each passing day that I'll actually get to the finish line?  Oooh Jesus!  Errbody has an opinion and it's usually do what I say or your baby's gonna DIE!!!!!!!!!


I remember when Drew and I were first dating.  I mean, still having ultra-protected sex and everything!  I told him I wanted to have a homebirth whenever I got pregnant.  He turned purple and we proceeded to have a hee-yooge fight over how ridiculous I was and how me and my baby would surely DIE!!!!!!!! if I did anything so reckless.  And we were just dating!


With time, things did not improve or change.  He still turned purple at any mention of deviation from a standard hospital birth complete with the wires, bells, whistles and such.  Now, to his credit, he did go to the info session at a birth center with me.  After he turned purple and we fought about it.  But he went.  But then I had a miscarriage so he was off the hook.  Now we're here again, arguing over the same points, rehashing the same topics only it's no longer theory.  It's about to get real.


Here's my issue - I have the nightmares about birth.  It's recurring - the obstetrician/magician/magi-trician comes at me all gowned up, with an evil (stay objective Desiree) glint in their eye, light bouncing off the scalpel and they slice me clean in half and slide the two halves apart - MY two halves, just like the magic trick.  


I have a teensy phobia about C-sections.


But seriously, phobia aside - I don't understand how slicing through abdominal muscle and through a giant blood-filled organ so you can be laid up for eight weeks is preferable to letting something exit through a hole that's already there!  Just so you can 'avoid' some pain?  Really?Because recovering from major abdominal surgery isn't painful?  I'm scratching my head over here.


And for the cheap seats, I'm talking about c-sections by choice, not when you have no other option because I'll be first in line for one if my kid lays sideways the whole time or decides he/she wants to come out feet first.  I'm just reeeeeaaaaalllllly hoping the kid ends up in the right position so I don't have to get cut open.


Now we all know how much I hate needles right?  So I'm rill not sure about a needle in my spine and subsequent numbness from the waist down.  How will I know if they saw me in half?  I'm very against not being able to feel my whole body.  I'm of the mindset that pain is God's way of letting you know you're alive, so I'm okay with pain.  Besides, it's a productive pain that's temporary.  I don't get off on pain and in all other circumstances I avoid it whenever possible - but this pain I understand.


I'm not so sure about Pitocin either because I hear that and I hear c-section.  They use Pitocin to induce labor or to help it along.  Inducing means you're putting your body in labor, making it do something before it's ready to.  THEN they cut you open for 'failure to progress.'  Well hey guess what, your body can't fail at something it was never ready to do!


And again, I'm talking about those who do it by choice, because they want their kid to have a certain birthday or they have something they have to do and need the baby out before then.  AGAIN, if I have no other options I will be first in line demanding they hook me up to whatever they got.  BUT, can we just see if my body will go on ahead and do what it's meant to do, on my baby's schedule, not yours?  


Last week my doctor scared the shit out of me because she off-handedly remarked that she was going to induce me before my due date.  Her exact words were "Well, I'm telling you right now I'm inducing you before your due date."


I was so thrown I couldn't even form a comeback.  I was only 13-ish weeks - I didn't think we were going to discuss the birth process until at least 20 weeks.  I wasn't ready and I was surprised.  I've been seeing my doctor for over six years and I really like her and trust her.  I like the RE and I love the Maternal Fetal Medicine specialist she sent me to, so her stock is high with me.  She's always made me feel comfortable, I like her staff and we click.  But labor and delivery is a whole different beast and I'm scared of her getting all Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with it.  We're going to have a serious come-to-Jesus talk at my next appointment and we're going to address this induction business as well as everything else, but I'm nervous.  I'm scared she'll dismiss my concerns or worse, fire me as her patient.  They can totally do that!


Talking with other people hasn't helped that much either.  Trust your doctor, your doctor knows!  Hospitals are good and wonderful places and nothing bad every happens in a hospital!  You're old, you're high-risk, you can't do this on your own!  The only thing you should care about is a healthy baby!  You're selfish and a bad mother if you want anything for yourself!  If they have to slice you from your throat to your vag, you should just lay back with a smile and let them do it!  If you don't, your baby will DIE!!!!!!!


So I'm doing my research.  I called in the big guns - Rixa Freeze, Ph.D. of Stand and Deliver.  I kinda just love typing her name because it's the best name in the history of ever.  I sent her an email that may or may not have been "you have to help me, they're going to cut me open!!!"  Okay no, that's not what it said.  I very kindly and politely and non-crazily asked her to send me the link to her publications since I couldn't get them from her site.  


Y'all!  She emailed me back!  Like a real email!  I kinda felt like I got an autograph from a celebrity.  Rixa Freeze (love her name!) has read the books, she's published the papers, she's gone to the conferences, she's talked to the people, she knows what she's talking about!  Plus, she's got other people who know on her blogroll so that's what I've been doing since my last appointment.  I've been scouring the web for REPUTABLE (not anecdotal - anecdotes will not stand up to my king-of-logic, doctor-loving engineer husband) sources of information so I can present a coherent stance to my doctor and to my family members who are convinced that I'm going to DIE!!!!!! if I don't do exactly what the doctor says, question nothing and take full advantage of every single medical intervention that exists when birthing my child.


So yeah yeah I have two clotting factors and my body's a killing machine blah blah blah.  Yeah yeah I'll be 35 when the baby's born - only by a month!  I'm not convinced that those two things automatically mean that I can't go without the spine needle or forcing my body into labor or getting sliced in half.  And I don't care about the statistics - I care about me and the baby.  


But it is such an uphill battle!  I'm going to have to have my ducks in a serious row to go up against  those who have ultimate faith in doctors, hospitals and modern medicine.


And don't get me wrong - if it weren't for modern medicine I wouldn't even BE pregnant.  Clotting disorders don't exactly show themselves in someone like me.  I've never had a DVT or PE, I'm not overweight and I've never had a heart attack.  There was really no way to tell what was wrong with me until I had lost the pregnancies.  I have a deep respect and reverence for the medical field.


I just feel like birth is not like a broken arm.  Pregnancy is not a disease that needs treatment.  It's more like one of those things that you just have to stand back, stay out of the way and jump in only when absolutely necessary.


Wish me luck making my case!