I hate people who make it hard for me to give them my money.
When I used to go to clubs *sigh*, I never waited in line. It made no sense to me to wait in a line just so I can give you my money for your weak-ass overpriced drinks. Thankfully, whenever we went out we knew the door guys and we usually knew a bartender or two so our drinks weren't as weak, but still! No waiting in lines for me. Even if I didn't know the door guy, all I ever had to do was make eye contact and we were in. *sigh* I had fun in my barfly days.
Sorry, I'm all over the place because Agent S woke me up at three this morning and I never got back to sleep. My eyes burn and I think I'm getting another cold which is going to piss me the hell off if I do. But back to my dilemma.
Okay, so first we must give mad props to Drew for major growth in the Daddy-to-be department. Y'all know me and know that I'm all about the birth and pregnancy stuff. I've studied and read and done the research so naturally I wanted a doula. Click the link, I'm too tired to explain. Anyway, Drew didn't know what a doula was, had no interest in finding out and said no to us having one. Lots of tears and fights ensued, many with me claiming he's going to ruin everything! It was the hormones, get off me.
HOWEVER, he came around! So we must give him snaps for that. *snapsnap*
We found a doula in our neighborhood! Who's a yoga instructor! And a licensed massage therapist! Who's Hypnobirth certified! Who has a birth pool! I mean, labor pool! Don't want to freak out the husband - we're still doing this in a hospital, babe, keep breathing. We talked, decided to go with her, and signed the contract the next day. I asked her about payment and she said "Oh, you're around the corner, I can come by whenever to pick up the check."
That was almost three weeks ago and I hadn't heard anything from her. Part of her package was a prenatal massage and she was supposed to go with me to one of my doctor's appointments.
Shouldn't she have called as soon as she received the contract and set up a time to come get PAID?? And then set up a time to come massage me? And to figure out when I'm going to the doctor so she can come? You know, before the baby gets here?
I haven't called or emailed her because I do not chase people so I can give them my money. If you don't call me, business must be so good for you that you don't need mine, which is fine with me. I can give it to someone who's more on the ball.
But then she emailed me yesterday and was all, okay so when do you want to do this? Now, I'm a tree-hugging hippie and I'm laid back and such, but I'm also a professional and that just rubbed me the wrong way. How are you gonna just fall of the grid and be all radio silence and then pop back up like it was nothing, talking bout "okay so what's up?" Don't think so.
PLUS, I'm back in my Mama Bear hide-in-a-cave mode. I'm second thinking having a near stranger in my space during my labor. I don't know her like that and she doesn't seem too interested in getting to know me so I'm just not sure anymore. I'm not sure if I want anyone around - except Drew. He's heard my noises before. BAM!!
Sorry, gah, I'm delirious.
But for real y'all - what do I do? An extra set of hands would be nice, which is all I'm thinking about. She's not going to be able to tell me something I don't already know. So do I tell her "Naw chick, you missed the boat! I done spent all yo' money!"
Or do I go ahead and be professional and tell her I've decided to go in a different direction and will no longer be requiring her services? Because I'm really feeling like I don't want a stranger in my space, no matter how many births she's attended and what she knows and whatever else. Additionally, if all goes well, I will labor at home as long as possible and only show up at the hospital when I'm ready to push and no one will be in the room but me and Drew at that point anyway.
And I can't take the energy to look for another one. I'm out of steam and have nothing left for anything extra. It takes all I've got to brush my teeth anymore and I have no time, patience or desire to deal with the extra. I don't want anyone else coming to my house so I can interview them. I don't want to ask any more questions. I don't want to see if we 'click.' I'm over all of it. ALL of it.
I'm in my cave now. Please leave a message.
I know it's proven that doulas are huge helps in labor, they make things easier, blah blah blah but I'm just not sure anymore. So please, my internet friends. Will you help me with this extra and tell me what I should do with The Lazy Doula Who Obviously Doesn't Need My Money?
PS - my email got hacked this morning so I'm sorry if you got a link for Viagra. Hopefully you were smart about it and just deleted it. Because you have to know it wasn't me. Right? Right?
You mean you didn't send me the link about Viagra? Dang. I was just typing you a thank you email. :) hahahahhaah
ReplyDeleteNow on to the serious stuff. If you don't feel like this lady is going to make things EASIER for you, then do NOT feel bad about telling her you're going in a different direction. It's her job to comfort you and be there for you and make things easier. It is not her job to lollygag and stress you out and make things more difficult. I say you send her packing. :) Mama bear knows best!
I'm with Carolyn. If this doula lady is making your life more stressful already then she's not doing her job.
ReplyDeleteI am really private and hadn't really been into the doula idea, but so many people rave about their doulas that I felt like I should look into it.
I asked my OB what she thought and was surprised that she was pretty down on the idea. I got the impression that doulas more often then not get in the way at the hospital, as we actually had to sign a form that said that if we do have a doula that the doctor is the one calling the medical shots (or something to that effect). Plus, my ob said, we'd already spent so much on getting pregnant, why not take advantage of the nurses at the hospital (each pregnant woman is assigned her own nurse, so you get lots of one-on-one attention at my hospital) and spend that extra money on a nice stroller or something like that.
But then again, lots of people I know love their doulas... I'll let you know how it goes with just me, Dh, and the nurses. I might regret this decision as Dh ain't exactly the doting type.
My advice (that is worth 2 cents), tell her that you have decided to go in a different direction. She left you hanging, but don't do her like she did you. Respond in a timely manner so that she can pencil in another client if she needs to. I would not want anyone in the room but my husband and maybe my Mom, but that is a big Maybe. I like my space and I like my space with me and my husband. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, thanks for the virus email. I figured it was a virus because I had the same virus. Make sure you change your email password.
I definitely think you should tell her you decided to go in a different direction. Be as sweet and as professional as can be, she does not sound like she is really up to the task. I have a vision of her on her Blackberry during your labor when she should be helping (come on you know you can see it too lol).
ReplyDeleteDone...boom...fired.
ReplyDeleteDon't mean to sound cheesy, but all I needed and wanted in the birthing room was the hubs. When I FINALLY went into labor, my husband was on my left side coaching me and holding my leg and the nurse was on the left holding the other - doc was smack dab in the middle catching all the action :)
Doula, THAT doula is a NO GO!!!
thanks for the viagra email ~ side eye :)
Im with you on chasing ppl to pay them. They obviously do not need my money. So tell her to kick rocks just as nice as you can be. I personally dont think a doula would be more helpful than my husband is going to be. Im just planning on wipping DH into shape when its my time and save my money.
ReplyDeleteD - take your money & run far, far away. You shouldn't have to track someone down to pay them professional services. Besides, what if you don't make a good connection with her & then you are stuck with her in the delivery room regretting every minute during every contraction that you chased her down to give her yo' money - lol. I just don't have a good feeling about it after reading what you wrote :(
ReplyDeleteDrew & the nurses are all you will need!
I agree with everyone else. Tell her thanks but no thanks. You probably know more than she does!
ReplyDeleteIf you can, find another doula or go with none at all. Have you checked with your hospital- mine offer them?
ReplyDeleteAnywho, she is totally unprofessional and I am not feeling the tone of her email... it's kinda like it's a hobby for her or something.
*uuum yeah I should read the WHOLE post before I comment. lol. Never mind on finding that new one. * ;)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm going to go against the "ditch the doula!" crowd here.
ReplyDelete(Caveat to other readers that I used to be a doula, although I never hired a doula for any of my births in large part because they were at home. But I probably would have hired a doula had I been planning hospital births. Mostly to keep the hospital staff out of my way.)
Now, the first question is: is it really that this doula and you are incompatible personality-wise (because I thought you'd told me when you first met her that you really clicked well), or is it just her style of collecting payment is too laid-back/unprofessional for you and that made you have second thoughts?
If a doula is good, and if you've worked out beforehand what you expect her role to be, she won't be just another person adding to the crowd (and yes, at a hospital birth, it generally turns into a crowd at the end, even if you were thinking it would be all private and just you and your mate). In some ways, her work can make your birth more intimate--she can act as the gatekeeper at the door, keep the lights low and unnecessary people out, keep the room quieter, etc.
Another reason I'd suggest not being too hasty to ditch the doula is that you have a higher-than-normal likelihood of being induced and that's where doulas really, really make a huge difference. Talking statistically, based on some very large RCTs, not just anecdotally. Inductions can be really long & challenging and it's not just as simple anymore as "labor at home as long as possible and hopefully show up fully dilated." You might have a 2+ day induction and having an extra person there to tag-team your husband, for example, could be life-saving. OR someone to make sure the staff really does give you time alone to make decisions, so that you don't feel pressured or rushed.
And let's say you do go into labor spontaneously--and I'm rooting for that to happen for you!--then you'd still have the option of having her labor pool available. Heck, you could even have her set up the pool and then ask her to hang out in the guest room/back porch/local coffeeshop until you want her around! It's not like she has to be in your face every moment of your labor, you know?
Anyway, I don't want to say that you HAVE to have a doula for it to work, but the evidence is so, so strong that you'd hate not to take advantage of it. So I'd say, take enough time to really evaluate if it's *her*, or if it's just the frustration/annoyance of her particular style of communicating over payment and scheduling. The former might be a deal-breaker, the latter is just a different way of doing certain housekeeping things.
Let her go. Nicely. But definitely. She doesn't appear to be professional and no need to pay that money for someone you feel you don't need.
ReplyDeleteI'm with Rixa on this. Neither you nor your husband have been through labor before and a doula has. She knows what to do to help, not only because of experience but because she's a woman - and no matter how supportive your husband might be, there are some things only women can understand instinctively, one of them being what women need in labor.
ReplyDeleteHaving said all that, however, it sounds like this particular doula may not be the right one. I wouldn't care about the money nearly as much as I would her laissez-faire attitude. If you really don't have the heart to try to find another one, unfortunately you might be better off without one. But I hope you reconsider, because I truly believe the right doula would be a huge help for both you and Drew.
hth!
For the doula. My friend did this for a short period of time. On one case she was there at the hospital for more than 24 hours. I think that was the last one she did. She got pregnant, so that was another factor. My point is that maybe your doula has been on call w/babies and helping other clients. Talk to her about your concerns and give her a chance to tell her side, if there is one.
ReplyDeleteAgainst the doula. She should have followed up. Maybe it's 'a sign.' I know it's hard to tell when you've got hormones and other worries going on. However, trust your instinct. It's usually right. That...I know!
If it were a different type of professional other than a doula I'd say tell her get to steppin. But I think you will appreciate having her in clutch time. I think it's worth reaching out to her with what you expect out of her once labor gets going (which you might already have but since you can go at anytime now, a definite game plan). You might even have to tell her that you like structure. She might be laid back hippy but if she's good, she can adjust to your structure needs.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I see your snap video and raise you this snap video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bX9reaHLwhk
Gem
I would nicely tell her kick rocks! I don't think you guys need her and if you're going to labor at home as long as possible when will she even be useful? At this point I wouldn't want anyone new in the room if it were me. I say explain how you want things to go when you get to the hosipital to the nurses. Tell them to back off unless you ask for them. Tell them you don't need to be checked on often ya know? All the things you don't want from them and things will run smoothly. Don't waste your money sugar. She was not professional and because of that if you went into labor tomorrow, she'd still be a stranger to you.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Rixa on this one...especially due to the likelihood that you will be induced. Not only does it help to be able to switch out helpers during long periods in the hospital, but she's acting your sounding board, she's right in line with your wishes regarding birth plans, and she has additional knowledge (massage & yoga specifically) which could help you during your labor. It's easy to think you know how you will feel in different situations, but really, you've never done this before and she's been there.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'd ask her where she was for the past few weeks...make sure she hasn't taken on too many clients recently (or around your due date) that would interfere with her being able to be ther for you at your time of need. Then schedule your visits with her and when she shows up, offer her the check. She may hate talking about money (owning a business where I take care of my clients' children and get very attached to families and the kiddos makes it sometimes hard for me to ask for payment...and I hate asking for payment after the fact, personally.)
Amd who knows...maybe this time mama-bear might be acting out of fear...and you can always use educated, sympathetic support during a very new experience.
Hi Desiree,
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest simply going with your gut. The answer is in you. You know that. : )And if it turns out that you do in fact want a doula-couldn't your mom act as one for you? I imagine that would be a wonderful mother/mother/daughter experience, in addition to the wonderful experience you'll share with Drew...By the way, thanks for giving us a heads up about your email account. Had you not, I would have opened it...
Hi! I have never commented here before but just wanted to weigh in. I had a hospital induction for post dates with a doula present.
ReplyDeleteI think it sounds like this particular person may not be a good fit for you but I do second the other comments above that you might want to find someone else.
My induction went on for 36 hours (so long that we actually sent our doula home for a while to rest while we rested). Our doula was really good about asking for more details when the doctors or nurses would suggest a change of course or a new plan with the induction. She would often ask (in a very nice way) what the benefits would be to doing that - or what was the highest dose of pit they might give me etc. She wasn't obtrusive, didn't give us medical advice and was a comfort in a different way than my hubs (who was also awesome by the way).
She was also really great about suggestions different positions and ways to physically keep me moving to get things going. In the weeks up to when I consented to the induction she was a very supportive voice, in touch with me regularly by email and phone and gave us lots of homeopathing things to try.
For me, having our doula there really made my birth (which turned out to be nothing like I imagined) something wonderful and empowering because she helped us to advocate for our little family. I would hire a doula again in a heartbeat if we decide to have another child in a hospital.
D - take your money & run far, far away. You shouldn't have to track someone down to pay them professional services. Besides, what if you don't make a good connection with her & then you are stuck with her in the delivery room regretting every minute during every contraction that you chased her down to give her yo' money - lol. I just don't have a good feeling about it after reading what you wrote :(
ReplyDeleteDrew & the nurses are all you will need!
My advice (that is worth 2 cents), tell her that you have decided to go in a different direction. She left you hanging, but don't do her like she did you. Respond in a timely manner so that she can pencil in another client if she needs to. I would not want anyone in the room but my husband and maybe my Mom, but that is a big Maybe. I like my space and I like my space with me and my husband. Good Luck!
ReplyDeleteBy the way, thanks for the virus email. I figured it was a virus because I had the same virus. Make sure you change your email password.
Okay, I'm going to go against the "ditch the doula!" crowd here.
ReplyDelete(Caveat to other readers that I used to be a doula, although I never hired a doula for any of my births in large part because they were at home. But I probably would have hired a doula had I been planning hospital births. Mostly to keep the hospital staff out of my way.)
Now, the first question is: is it really that this doula and you are incompatible personality-wise (because I thought you'd told me when you first met her that you really clicked well), or is it just her style of collecting payment is too laid-back/unprofessional for you and that made you have second thoughts?
If a doula is good, and if you've worked out beforehand what you expect her role to be, she won't be just another person adding to the crowd (and yes, at a hospital birth, it generally turns into a crowd at the end, even if you were thinking it would be all private and just you and your mate). In some ways, her work can make your birth more intimate--she can act as the gatekeeper at the door, keep the lights low and unnecessary people out, keep the room quieter, etc.
Another reason I'd suggest not being too hasty to ditch the doula is that you have a higher-than-normal likelihood of being induced and that's where doulas really, really make a huge difference. Talking statistically, based on some very large RCTs, not just anecdotally. Inductions can be really long & challenging and it's not just as simple anymore as "labor at home as long as possible and hopefully show up fully dilated." You might have a 2+ day induction and having an extra person there to tag-team your husband, for example, could be life-saving. OR someone to make sure the staff really does give you time alone to make decisions, so that you don't feel pressured or rushed.
And let's say you do go into labor spontaneously--and I'm rooting for that to happen for you!--then you'd still have the option of having her labor pool available. Heck, you could even have her set up the pool and then ask her to hang out in the guest room/back porch/local coffeeshop until you want her around! It's not like she has to be in your face every moment of your labor, you know?
Anyway, I don't want to say that you HAVE to have a doula for it to work, but the evidence is so, so strong that you'd hate not to take advantage of it. So I'd say, take enough time to really evaluate if it's *her*, or if it's just the frustration/annoyance of her particular style of communicating over payment and scheduling. The former might be a deal-breaker, the latter is just a different way of doing certain housekeeping things.
*uuum yeah I should read the WHOLE post before I comment. lol. Never mind on finding that new one. * ;)
ReplyDelete