What you need when you have a baby

Things are happening round these parts.  Things I can't discuss because it's the internet and they can hear you.  So instead, we're going to talk about what you need when you have a baby.


When you have a baby, you need something to feed them and something to catch it in when it comes out the other end.  The End.

Gratuitous baby picture because I can

Kidding, kidding.  Since I have kept another human alive for almost 3 months, I consider myself an expert in all things baby.  Oh yeah - I'm the first person to have a child, no one will have one after me, and my way is the only way.

BAH hahahahaha!

No seriously, I know nothing about babies and nothing about mothering.  I'm totally flying by the seat of my pants and every day that the kid is alive has nothing to do with me.  Just the other day, she was being super fussy and wouldn't take the boob or the pacifier.  The only thing that kept her appeased was sucking on my arm.  So I let my kid give me a hickey.  I'm pretty sure they don't give that advice in the parenting books.

Maybe she's mixed with vampire

Of course, after you have a kid you may want to leave your house.  In those first few weeks, I didn't and cried when I went to the drugstore without her.  However, I got over that and wanted to venture out.  Therefore, you need a baby carrier thing.  Fine, whatever - carseat.

I like our carseat and I don't know what people talk about when they say it doesn't fit in grocery carts - mine fits just fine, so listen to me.  If you get this carseat, it'll fit in grocery carts.  Remember, I'm the only one who's right. (Before we go any further, I must disclose that I've had I am having wine and it's delicious.  My kid is asleep and won't wake up until 5am, so don't freak out.)

When your arms get tired from carrying the baby in the baby carrier thing, you'll probably want a baby-pusher thing.  I have a huge one (that sounded dirty.)  No seriously, we have majorly uneven sidewalks and the baby doesn't even flinch because of our giant stroller.  Love it!

BabyJogger CityElite - I don't know what they have against using the spacebar

I got so much shit for getting a separate carseat and stroller because they said my baby would freak out if we took her out of the carseat and put her in the stroller.  I say to them, pish tosh (oh yeah, I said pish tosh.  I'm bringing it back.)  My baby has not once complained about being taken out of the carseat to get put in the stroller.  So don't be afraid to get wild and get separate shit.  Your kid won't freak.  Well, they might.  I just know my kid didn't freak, okay?

However, the thing is huge.  I went to lunch with my girlfriend and rammed my own knee trying to get in the door of the restaurant.  I hit someone's ankle trying to maneuver it and then knocked into someone else with my diaper bag when I tried to back up.  True story.  The very next day I bought a snap-n-go.

The name is kind of misleading because it doesn't snap.  It's more set-your-carseat-in-it n go.  I wonder why they don't call it that.  Bad marketing, marketing people.  Anyway, this is very convenient for little trips when I don't want to hassle with the Assault Stroller.  I swore I wouldn't get more than one stroller, but there you go.  And I'll probably get an umbrella stroller too.  Whatevs.

In my opinion, that's all the shit you absolutely have to have.  That's bare bones.  Oh shit wait, they need a place to sleep.  Okay, so you need that too.

We have a pack n play but she doesn't sleep in it but that's only because we have the crib.  You don't have to have both.  I just put her in the pack n play if the crib is too far away and I absolutely need two hands to do something where I can't wear her.  Like poop.  I don't really prefer to poop with my kid strapped to my chest, but that's just me.  And I guess I don't need two hands to poop - unless you count gripping my jeans because it hurts so bad.  Is that too much?  Guess what - I don't care.  After you have a kid, it hurts to poop.  Sorry if I'm the first one telling you that.

::more wine please::

Okay, where was I?  Baby carriers!  I have a billion of them and I love them all.  I recommend them but from here on out, this is all shit you don't have to have but it might make your life easier so get it if you want.  

Okay, I have an Ergo, a Moby, a ring sling and a Baby K'tan.  I love them all.  The Ergo is hardcore and the biggest upside is it's sturdy.  It's like a hiking baby carrier.  However, your baby can't face out and it has a between the shoulder hook that you have to have serious yoga limberosity to buckle.  The Moby is approximately 85,000 yards of fabric and you have to know origami to tie it up.  When the baby is screaming her head off, origami is the last thing on your mind.  Use only if the baby is chill and you can think straight. The ring sling is beautiful but Rixa Freeze needs to hurry up and come to Dallas to show me how to keep it from gaping in the front.  The Baby K'Tan is the easiest to get on and is my default baby carrier but I can't bend down in any of them so I've gotten quite adept at picking things up with my feet.  

I'm also happy to report that I have not needed a glider for the nursery.  I wanted one really badly but it was horribly expensive and I'd link to that post but I've had wine and I'd rather just write, so trust me when I say I really wanted a glider.  I cried about it, straight up.  I was convinced my baby would hate me and hate life if I didn't have a glider.  Not true!  I sit in the chair and rock her just fine.  So don't listen when they say you have to have a glider because you don't.  I'm an expert remember?

OH YEAH!  Baby monitors!  We have an Angelcare and it's a must.  So I lied because this should go before the part where I said you don't need anything after this because you need a monitor unless you want to stand over your kid like a maniac, holding a mirror under their nose to make sure they're still alive.  I also got shit for this one, because they said the Angelcares are pointless.  It is not pointless.  It's a lifesaver.  And it totally works because if you don't shut it off right when you take the baby out of the crib, that bitch will go off and make your heart stop because you don't want it to startle the baby because you're trying to keep them from waking up all the way and it took for-fucking-EVER to get her down the first time turn the damn thing off SHIT!  So yeah, get a baby monitor, just remember to turn it off if you take the baby out of the crib.

 

OH!  Marketing people!  You should put that you have to buy a piece of plywood for this thing on the OUTSIDE of the box before people go sewing crib skirts and velcro-ing them to the mattress frame and then they have to go to Lowe's and get wood specially cut and then go to Target to get more velcro strips because they already put their awesome crib skirt together and now they have to take the whole damn thing apart to accommodate the board so the monitor will work.  Fuckers.

SHIT!  I forgot another thing you have to have!  Well, I have to have it anyway.  A straitjacket!  Fine, fine call it a swaddler.  Whatevs.

This baby doesn't look real and it's kind of creeping me out.

My poor kid twitches like a crackhead.  If I don't swaddle her to go to sleep, she wakes herself up and then gets pissed about it.  Poor baby.  The Miracle Blanket is the only one I can wrap to where she doesn't get out of it.  Seriously, she sighs when she's wrapped up, like ahhh finally I can calm down!  She loves it and I'm scared to stop using it.  If you come to my house and my kid is twelve and still being swaddled, kindly look the other way.

Okay, so this one is something you probably need but I certainly wish I didn't.  I'm talking about the breast pump.  I fucking hate that thing.  I nearly cried when I hooked myself up to it because I totally felt like a cow being milked.  However, if I ever want to have time to myself I gotta do it.  I have the Hygeia because my friend recommended it to me and I was like fine whatever where do I get it.  Not because of her, but because I hate the idea of pumping.  It sucks balls but if I have to do it, I wanted a good pump that would get the job done in the least amount of time.  Plus, the Hygeia is the only one that has a closed system, making it truly safe to be re-used.  With others, you run the risk of milk getting into the motor and mucking it all up with bacteria.  Since mine is closed, the lactation consultant we bought it from will buy it back when we're done with it.  Holla!

Oh yeah - when you're feeding your kid you'll probably need some arm support.  Holding them in your arms is cool but after a while that shit starts to hurt.  I have a Boppy that saves my life (thank you Cori!) but you could easily get by with a bunch of pillows.  I totally do when I'm feeding her on the sofa and the Boppy is in the bedroom and I'm too lazy to go get it.  If your kid's like mine and has a touch o' the reflux you have to feed them semi-upright so you need some kind of arm support.  I also use it to prop her up on the bed when I'm folding laundry - that's when we talk about girl stuff and catch up with all the gossip.

You also might want some stuff for your kid to look at - you know, so they don't get bored but it doesn't have to be fancy.  Get creative and find stuff around your house that lights up and makes noise.  Babies love that stuff and it stimulates their minds so they'll grow up smart and take care of you in your old age.  Toys are easy but you could make funny faces and noises and your kid won't know the difference.  Mine smiles the most when it's just the two of us and I'm being dumb.  I wonder how long that will last.

I don't want to can't think of other stuff.  The other stuff I use because I have it, but I bet I could get by without it.  Of course, I have an easy baby too which helps a lot.  She didn't have colic and she's not too picky.  She's a pretty chill kid who doesn't need much.  As long as I'm close enough to yell for, she's cool.

I'm having a lot of fun with this mom thing.  That doesn't mean I don't have my moments of wondering when I'll get myself back to myself again.  And it would be nice not be covered in spit-up for just one day.  And to have a reason to wear makeup.  And shoes.  And dangly earrings.

But I know that soon enough, I'll have all the time in the world to do all those things and I'll wish I was where I am right now.  So I'm just going to sit here drinking my wine in my spit-up stained jeans and be thankful for where I am.

Amen.