They say that when I tell them Drew is home an average of two days a week. I used to just smile, sometimes I'd just shrug and say "I don't have much choice I guess" but only yesterday I told the truth.
I'm not doing it. I'm failing miserably.
A few days ago I had a full out anxiety attack. The baby was crawling around on the floor and when I picked her up, her little knees were filthy and covered in dog hair. I frantically brushed at her pants, horrified that I had a dirty baby. The dog hair wasn't coming off, no matter how much I brushed at her pants. I couldn't see anything but dog hair. My breath caught in my chest and I started crying. No matter how much I clean, no matter how much I sweep and vacuum, I will never escape the dog hair.
I can't post all the links where I've written about my dog hair anxiety because I'm blogging from my phone(how cool is that!), but this isn't new information. This isn't even the first time the baby has been dirty/covered in hair. But it was different, and in that moment I wanted to scream.
It's all so much. I'm so tired. We fight so much. So flippin much.
Trying to sell the house has been so hard. Every time I get the feedback email saying how cute our house is, but it's just not right, I get my feelings hurt. Like they're rejecting us personally, like we're dumb and weird and the only ones alive who would like our house. I've asked to be taken off the emails because I can't hear it anymore.
I do my best, but my house isn't my own. Staged houses aren't conducive for real life, although we try our best. My home decorating, crafty, DIY outlet is indefinitely suspended.
Retail therapy is out. By my own admission, I was getting a little enthusiastic with Amazon and Target, but thanks to Pennsylvania state taxes that we have to pay now, overnight we lost $500 a month. Talk about a gut punch. We're cutting back everywhere and it's still not enough.
The separation, the money, the job, it's all taking its toll on our relationship. We're holding on by our fingernails and we won't give up, but it's not pretty.
I'm at my doctor's now to talk about getting some pharmaceutical assistance. I never in my life thought I would end up here and I don't even know if pills will help, but I have to try.
I've been carrying all of this, and I need to set it down. I need to say out loud that this is hard. Yes, I have my health, my baby is perfect, I'm still married. I have blessings.
Which is why I feel like such a failure. Why I'm beating myself up right now, telling myself that I should be stronger. It's pretty pathetic that I don't even have the strength to give myself a proper dressing down.
I can't paint something, I can't shop. I can't take a yoga class without guilt about spending the money, I miss my husband but you'd never be able to tell by how we rip each other to shreds when we're together.
So I write. I dump. I may take meds. And I hold on by my fingernails, hoping and praying that there's something left when the storm is over.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
54 comments:
When you leave me a comment, my phone chimes. I run to it from across the house, anxious to read what you've said. I save them in my email and read them multiple times a day, which is why you may not get an immediate response but I promise I eventually respond to every comment that has an email address.
You make me smile - I just thought you should know.
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I'm sorry friend! :( I can't imagine not having Jake around every day, and that's without a tiny mini-person to take care of. I know how you feel about the dog hair, it's everywhere. HAHA I also hear you on the budgeting. All I want to do when I'm stressed is buy, redecorate, organize or craft. Except that all costs money. And money is usually why I'm stressed! I promise that even if Sofia gets dog hair on her, she's still going to be a perfectly healthy, happy, amazing mini-person. :) As for selling hte house, I have NO idea how you're coping with that. I know how invested I am in my house, and imagining people analyzing and turning it down...ugh. No thanks. I guess my advice for all of this is just to remember how much you love Drew, and everything you've been through together. You've made it through so much, and you can make it through this too. And if you need to vent/complain/freak out/stress or laugh, I'm here for you! *hugs*
ReplyDeleteOh honey, hang in there. We all have those points where we just REACH OUR LIMIT, and it's good that you're getting help to deal with yours. Check out this post my friend wrote the other day - maybe it will help you.
ReplyDeletehttp://bumuterus.blogspot.com/2012/01/stuff-my-shrink-says.html
BTW, I'm trying to insinuate anything about what you're feeling! I just really liked this line;" So to summarize, my goal is to operate at a 0-5. If I get to a 5, pay attention to my thoughts and figure out which are true or not true. Talk myself back to below a 5. And repeat."
ReplyDeleteI have my absolute freak out moments about the dog hair too (as in, calling my husband and crying that "WE ARE GOING TO GET RID OF THIS DAMN DOG NOW" kind of moments). Everyone has their triggers...
Ugh, to stop beating yourself up is one of the hardest things EVER! I totally know how you feel! I work FT, go to school, am a mommy to my two brats, but I still consider myself a failure when the laundry/dishes pile up. I have the highest expectations of myself and always beat myself up when I don't meet them. I had to start taking meds too, because the anxiety would some days just cripple me. I can't imagine the stress that you guys must be under, and I hope your house will sell quickly so that you can be back together with your hubby. Just take one day at a time. Easier said than done I know, but it really will help.
ReplyDeleteYou are normal. You are a good mom. You are not a failure. Got it? I totally get the "it's not my house" feeling. That is so frustrating! We took our house off the market 6 months ago, and I still haven't totally killed the neutral feeling that we instilled in it during that time. It's like, you can't even nest because you can't get too attached. As for you and Drew, I'm going to suggest something kind of non-P.C. and out there, but try it. I have found it to work, although I won't lie and tell you I can keep it up all of the time. Praise him out loud, where he can hear you, for every single positive thing he does for you, or adds to your life. Do it often. And then try to out-love him. I do this when we go through scary rough patches (and all couples do!). Do things just to be sweet frequently, refuse to engage in arguments (even when he dearly needs his head ripped off!), and support him any way you know. He won't understand it, he will be suspicious, but I kid you not, he will respond to it positively very quickly. Your needs will be met, but you'll have to be the stronger partner and meet his first. I have tried this, and it works. It's a more submissive role at times, but there is great power in it. Try it. I think if you and Drew can pull together in a more healthy way, issues like dog hair won't freak you out as much. You are stressed to the max so your coping skills are low. Everyone goes through that, D. And luckily not at the same time, so we can pick each other up. And pray. Really pray. Lay it all out there for God, and then like the scripture says, "Be still." You will find peace, D. And if you need some pharmaceutical help, there is no shame in that either. You are still nursing, hormones are fluctuating, and it is hard! Oh, and lastly, lower your expectations about everything. EVERYTHING. Your life is not going to be perfect and that is just that, and it's okay. Call me if you need. Sorry if this all sounds abrupt, I'm supposed to be "working". ;) Love ya bunches!
ReplyDeleteHey girl, here for you and this is completely a stressful time for ANY family to be going through, and I think it's okay and normal to feel that way. You will get through this. Hopefully we'll see you in PA soon ;)
ReplyDeleteThinking of you my dear! You are a strong woman!! You are a good mom and a gorgeous lady. Keep your head up.
ReplyDeleteI know it is hard, but get the meds! It was a game changer for me.
All the love in the world Desiree.
ReplyDeleteDesiree, you are a friend in my head an you dont even know it. :) I wont even try to start with all of the similarities and how I feel like I have been RIGHT where you are in my life/marriage and our son is only 5 months old!!! Just like others have said with all that you all have going on at the exact same time, its a wonder you have not literally killed each other yet, and for that you know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I think I love how open and honest you are when you write, things most would NEVER have the courage to say on an open forum for all to see and judge but you say "to hell with it" and I LOVE it!! Just know you have readers out here who really appreciate you and love what you do. I hope you know that you become an inspiration to others with your candid topics and I hope that gives you some strength to smile each day!!!
ReplyDeleteOrganizing!! Yesss!! Like seriously, organizing is my happy place and I feel like my hands are tied! I was going to give cooking a try, for the outlet, but all the pots and pans are in boxes!!!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being there, it really means so much!
I'm praying for you guys! I'm not married but you know im in a long distance relationship and its so not easy. Just keep holding on and I know everything will work out they way it is supposed to.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to hear you are going through a rough time right now. It just sounds like you have an awful lot on your plate. I agree the dog hair is too much sometimes. We went to the extreme of buying new carpet after our daughter was born but it still doesn't solve the issue of more dog hair. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteThis stuff is HARD. NO ONE can convey how difficult it is. Breastfeeding and attachment parenting may be the scientifically "right" choice, but I get why people do it the other way. Attachment parenting can kill a mama. In Dr. Sears' attachment parenting book there is a section for dads that essentially says, "your wife will be so worn out she will want to stop doing this. Your job, as a dad, is to do whatever she needs so she can keep attachment parenting." I'm 19 months in - and I know this is super hard to hear - but it gets better. You just have to keep at it. My relationship suffered tremendously when we had a kid - it is HARD Fing work. It is finally back on track. If you can, get a roomba and a housekeeper twice a month. The rest of the time - clean one room and only sit in there :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry to read that you are going through this. You are a great woman, a great mom, and a great wife. You and Drew will make it through, it's just stressful right now....Being apart certainly doesn't help.
ReplyDeleteJWhenever you are ready to put your hands around his neck, stop and remember the good times... Just when you think you are at the edge, GOD has a way of turning things around for you. Maybe He is testing your limits.
II totally understand your feelings about the dog hair, but when she gets older, the dirt is going to be even worse- kids just attract it. As long as she's smiling at you, you're good. ;) Don't be so hard on yourself, you are doing great.
Sending you my love and hugs over the 'net. ;)
I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a lot to balance. Everything I own, including my child, is covered in dog hair and I have just had to accept it. I hate it, but that is something I cannot keep up with! But, my house is not being staged to sell, so I guess it is not the same. Seems like something has to give. Could you get someone to help you with the cleaning once a week? And what is this TX/PA tax thing you are talking about...is there no sales tax in TX? I am thinking about you and sending you calmness. Try wine!
ReplyDeletePraying for you, your family, & the situation. Not The Situation on that one show, but....you know what I mean.
ReplyDeleteAvaLin
Oh Desiree, you're under so much stress and uncertainty right now--no excuses or apologies for feeling the way you do! And no, your house is gorgeous and totally classy and everything was done really, really well (trust me, I'm not just saying this to be nice!). It's just a bad time to sell houses.
ReplyDeleteSorry I can't write more (I'm prepping for class) but you can always call me and vent if you feel the need.
Hugs :)
I know you're crazy busy, so thank you so much for taking the time to respond! And you're right, it's a bad time to sell houses and I try to remind myself of that, it's just that some days it's not enough, you know?
ReplyDeleteAh well, this too shall pass right?
It's income taxes. Texas doesn't have state income tax so we haven't paid it since we live here. But now that he's working in PA, we have to pay their income taxes and that. Blows.
ReplyDeleteI'd love to get a cleaning person but they'd seriously have to come every other day and of course, that's not possible. I had a maid for a minute but it didn't help so I just stopped.
Thanks for the internet hugs, I need all I can get!
ReplyDeleteAnd you're right, she's going to get dirty, but dog hair is my trigger. I almost wish she'd go roll around in the mud, at least I could wash that off!
I've seriously looked into the Roomba! Something that vacuums 24-7 sounds like a dream come true for me! And as for cleaning just one room, I was just going to leave the whole house and just find a new one. Is that not an option?? :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you!
ReplyDeleteI already told Drew that wherever we end up living in PA, there will be no carpet. Anywhere. I would probably have to be institutionalized if we had carpet and the dog tracked muddy paws all over it! :-)
I'm growing out my fingernails just so I can keep holding on....
ReplyDeleteNothing is ever all bad, right? Right?? :-)
Well, if you become a friend in my head does that make us headfriends? Is that even a thing? :-)
ReplyDeleteAt any rate, thank you for reading and most of all, for the validation. There is nothing more isolating than thinking you're alone in your feelings and your situation and it helps immensely to hear "I'm right there with you."
So, seriously, thank you for that.
Thank you, my friend.
ReplyDeleteI got them - I just wish it didn't take so long to make a difference! They need to hurry up and make a wonder pill for anxiety that works like Alka-Seltzer. Pop it in and no more thoughts of strangling someone!! :-)
ReplyDeleteThank you!
ReplyDeleteI just wish it were sooner rather than later! I don't even care anymore that it's cold there, that's how desperate I've become! :-)
Thanks for taking the time out of your day to give me encouragement!
ReplyDeleteAnd the nesting!! This!!! I am such a nester, such a homebody (literally these days) and it's killing me to go for something and remember it's in a box in the garage! Makes me want to scream!
And I will give this a try. I will try anything at this point.
Here's hoping these pills take effect quickly!
ReplyDeleteOMG, thank you so much for sharing this post, it was EXACTLY what I needed!!!! I'm seriously about to go leave a long-ass comment on her post! Thank you!!!!
ReplyDeleteIf only he would understand that me saying I want to get rid of the dogh is a response to a trigger, not that I actually want to get rid of her (mostly), things would be so much better. Instead, he gets all defensive and reactive and argumentative because I'm threatening his 'furbaby.' Then I get all mad because his wife and his real baby should be more important and it all just goes downhill from there. *sigh*
ReplyDeleteOh well....
I am so sorry to hear this. Desiree, I am going to suggest something that may be a bit weird, but it may honestly help. Center yourself first. When next the baby takes a nap, and you can put the dog in another room, carve out 20 minutes not to clean or to worry but to do some yoga, do the meditation and bring yourself back to center. I am not a regular yoga person, but I tell ya, that works for me when I am overwhelmed. I especially do it when my world is going a bit nuts. LOL. After you have done that - because it has been a lot on you and your family with all of the changes which are all wonderful but are also very stressful - then I just feel like you will be better prepared to handle what is going on. I hope you give it a shot, and I hope it helps. Wishing and praying the very best for you, your marriage and your baby.
ReplyDeleteHi Desiree,
ReplyDeleteI'm not a mom or a wife, but I know what it is to feel overwhelmed. You can make it thru this tough patch. Getting help in really important. Taking a break is even better but not always possible. My prayers and thoughts are with you to feel better, just know you're not alone and you will make it thru. :)
Hi Desiree,
ReplyDeleteI started reading your blog about a year ago, when we were both prego at the same time. My son was born on 3/27/11. I have always looked to you for inspiration and cheered you on from my living room. When you were upset that you might have a c section I prayed for you as I had just had one and wanted to live through you after trying to have a home birth ;). I have viewed our loves sort of similar.I am also a Domestic Engineer (straight face). I am from the DFW area and now live in New York. I was also married in October. I have a husband who is really only fully here two days a week and much of that is his sleep and down time.I have a 10 month old and NO family or friends around in what can be a very unfriendly place. My life B.B. (before baby) was much different and some days even though I find many blessings in the positives of life (health, my son, my life etc) In between BabyTV and Your Baby Can Read I can't help but feel super sad about some of the days I have now. Not being able to clean a room can push me over the edge. Even though my husband isn't here alot when he is we seem to be holding on by the skin of our teeth as well. You are absolutely not the only one who feels the way you do and if more moms would be honest about marriage, life and kids then maybe there would not be pressure to feel like you can have it all and do it all at the same time. You are doing the best you can. I call myself a single married parent. I do believe things will get better for you and yes this too shall pass. Take your meds, drink your wine (not together :) Do what you need to do to make the insane sane. I think you are a beautiful person inside and out, a great mother, and awesome wife. Just don't major in the minors. If something doesn't get done then it just doesn't. I had to get rid of my dog before the baby even got here I just couldn't stomach the hair anymore, so you get a few more points for that LOL. Take care or yourself!
Always,
Nikki
Oh and I totally understand the taxes, NY is federal and state tax too ;(((((((((((((((
ReplyDeleteI wish I could say something more wise, more inspiring- but I can't :( But know that I'm thinking bout you and praying for you
ReplyDeleteFirst, **hugs** Is that how you give a virtual hug? Anyway, this will pass. Remember, nothing is ever all good or bad. We have 5 cats so I can relate to pet hair anxiety although Iza isn't even remotely close to crawling. But when I see a cat hair even close to her I spaz. We bought a Bissell Versus and it has helped tremendously with the cat hair. Your house will sell when you least expect and this will be a distant memory, albeit a bad one. xo
ReplyDeleteexactly! Nothing is ever all bad and for someone else its worse. Keep counting the Pro's vs the Cons.
ReplyDeleteawww, I go crazy over my house too and I am the only one who cleans this house. my shower drives me insane! I'm not used to hard floors and it's frustrating seeing dirt on the floor right after I swept. You seem to need that support from friends or family where you can relate and talk to them and maybe get help if your not finding time to clean as often as you'd like...maybe lol. try going to church lol ;]
ReplyDeleteRemember its gonna be alright in the end and if its not alright its NOT the end. Blogger friend in my head.lol! As a mom of a 16 month who went through 75% of pregnancy alone bc dear hubby was stationed out of state and he deployed when we finally got n same state when Drew was 4wks old. U will c it thru. C line #1. Take care of your precious princess and ask some girlfriends to help w chores when it becomes too much.
ReplyDeleteRemember its gonna be alright in the end and if its not alright its NOT the end. Blogger friend in my head.lol! As a mom of a 16 month who went through 75% of pregnancy alone bc dear hubby was stationed out of state and he deployed when we finally got n same state when Drew was 4wks old. U will c it thru. C line #1. Take care of your precious princess and ask some girlfriends to help w chores when it becomes too much.
ReplyDeleteNo lie, I was at the church yesterday getting all the papers together for her baptism and I told the lady I for real need to start coming to Mass. I need to light me some candles!
ReplyDeleteUgh! As if living in 2 states isn't hard enough, you have the IRS to thank for more stress. Well, I am thinking of you and just know that you have a lot of blogging sisters here who identify with you and who want to snap at the sight of a dog hair at the end of a crappy day. Not sure if this is an option for you guys, but when Sebastian was a puppy and he ate (literally) thousands of dollars worth of our stuff while we were at work, we took him to doggy daycare. Not boarding, but just a "big dog" and a "small dog" room where the dogs played together all day and then got to go outside twice to play. He LOVED it. It saved our house and gave me the sanity I needed 2 days a week. It was pretty affordable here, but not sure about your neck of the woods. Also, do you have a Dyson??
ReplyDeleteYes has to be a such thing!! Headfriends!! :) Anytime
ReplyDeleteI read this comment on my phone and no lie, fought back fresh tears. I'm serious. And it's so crazy how similar our paths are and there is so much comfort in solidarity and knowing that you're not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you for these kind words of encouragement. I so truly cherish them.
ReplyDeleteThank you! And thanks for sticking around - I notice your comments and it makes me smile! :-) <--See?
ReplyDeleteIsn't it so ironic/sad that the things that have proven to work in the past are the last things we turn to in crisis? I mean, I've done yoga for ten years now and have always felt better after a class, without fail. I've also felt better even after just a few minutes of meditation, but when I'm losing my mind, for some reason it's not the first thing I turn to.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reminding me to use the tools I have that I know will work!
Yes and I love it! And you're right, doggie daycare is a lifesaver and I'll have to talk to Drew about being able to do that at least once a month.
ReplyDeletehi lady, sorry things are so stressful right now! just the fact that you've gone this long without your hubby around shows how strong you both are. i have recurring issues with not getting enough couple time and my husband and i live in the same town!
ReplyDeletei bet having a kid makes it a little harder than when he was away before, because instead of cutting loose at happy hour with friends, you actually feel like you should be staying home with your little one. i agree with the previous poster that said that you should try to find some time for an activity that pre-baby Desiree enjoyed. or do you have any other mommy friends nearby that you could hang with? my sister and i do that alot with our kiddos when the hubbies are working late.
i SO feel you on the house thing, too. it sucks to not be able to hang new pictures and just get comfortable in your house like you used to before it went on the market. it's driving me nuts and it's only been a month and a half for us.
fingers crossed that you guys sell soon and hopefully you can get some one on one time or a date night in to recharge your marriage. i'm a phone call away if you ever need to vent or if you need someone to watch a movie with over the phone :) (it's loads of fun, i promise).
I'm sorry girl that you are going through this.
ReplyDeleteI completely understand about the PA state taxes. Me and my sister were just talking about that yesterday. It's hard to do anything when were working with little and have taxes out the ass.
Glad you liked it!
ReplyDeleteWe've had the exact same scene unfold in our house multiple times! Hang in there...
ReplyDeleteI found your blog through Young House Love awhile, and started following because I too was having trouble getting pregnant... finally got pregnant and we had a little boy in June. And it was from reading your blog that I really wanted to try for a natural birth - but unfortunately, our little boy was breech and had a C. It was comforting to read your blog, because I was going through a lot of similar things as well - And the previous poster, Nikki, just coined the perfect phrase "single married parent". I am so that!
ReplyDeleteMy husband is a chef and just started a new business that has him out the door at 7am and returning at 10pm, 6 days a week. He's finally happy in his career, so it makes it so difficult to be pissed off that he's never here! But I'm angry that he is never home. And he took this job because he would finally be home for dinner time, but it's still getting off the ground, and taking longer than expected, so I'm totally a single parent. I do it all. By myself, and I'm barely holding on waiting for his job to improve. And I work full time on top of it - so I do drop-off and pick-up at day care (which I barely make on time because I have to sit in rush hour traffic for 30mins each night!)...and the baby doesn't sleep more than 3 hours at a time. Had colic. Has a cold or ear infection from freaking daycare every other week. Doesn't nap on the weekends... and I'm a big believer in attached parenting, and it's so hard doing it by myself. My house looks like a bomb went off, and I am so OCD that it drives me batty! And haven't had a pedicure since June! (The HORROR!) And I'm desperate for mom friends, but working full time and then coming home to do the night routine and weekends all by myself (only time to grocery shop and do errands and attempt to clean) make it really hard to get out to playgroups and find working moms that have time for playdates on the weekends.
Before I had the baby, my house was spotless, I was able to meet a friend for dinner, go to the gym, poke around a shop. Read a book or a magazine! And now, I feel more alone than I ever have in my life! As Nikki said, I so wish other moms would speak up about how f'ing hard being a parent is! Yes, it's the most rewarding thing and I love my little boy so much and I'm so blessed... but I'm freaking exhausted! It's a tired that no one can prepare you for. And when your partner is not present, its so much harder. You are doing an AH-MAZING job. You are such a fantastic mom. Maybe jumbo lint rollers from Costco will help with the dog hair.
Your blog is like my mom friend and makes me feel like I'm not so alone. Thank you so much for being so open with your life... so an exhausted, frustrated, blessed mom like me doesn't feel like she is the only one out there struggling. Good luck! xo
I have read this no fewer than five times and I so wish I could hug you right now!
ReplyDeleteYou're so right, more moms need to speak up but there is no group on the planet that judges more often and more harshly than other moms. It's such a drag because we need each other and we need to support each other.
And my hat is off to you because you're doing it alone AND you work FT?! I bow low to you my friend!
I don't know what you do for work but if you ever get time at work, please feel free to drop me an email whenever you want. It's nice to have a kindred spirit on the same path as you - it's good to have the company!
Big hugs girl!!