The weenie-cam

When your baby-making parts don't work as they should, you become close personal friends with the weenie-cam.  Sure sure, you can call it the trans-vaginal ultrasound, but where's the fun in that?  And believe me, when you're knee-deep in the baby-making business, you need all the fun you can find.  Losing your sense of humor about this whole thing is just not an option.  After all, there's nothing you can do but laugh at the fact that those who are the most 'ready' to have a baby (read:  married or have a support system, established, steady incomes, older) are the ones who have the most trouble.  Yes, I know that there are 24-year olds that have reproductive trouble but let's face it, they are the exception not the rule.  But back to me and the weenie-cam.

My RE is very methodical when it comes to ruling out the reasons for the miscarriages, and they all revolve around my cycle.  His first step is to make sure that things are happening when they are supposed to, which means I've been to see him on strategic days.  I've never seen any doctor for any reason as much as I've seen mine this past month.  Thank God he's a nice man but I can't stand his office - the decor makes me want to claw my eyes out!  Every time I'm waiting in the weenie-cam room all I can think about is how badly I want to rip off his horrible outdated wallpaper, paint the walls, change out the fixtures on his cabinets and freakin decorate!  Just because it's a doctor's office doesn't mean it has to be horrible and drab.  I know you're serious about getting women pregnant, but can a sista get a little paint on the walls!  I really might mention something the next time I see him.    

Anyway, my first date with the weenie-cam was for a baseline ultrasound to get a lay of the land.  There was nothing scary that immediately jumped out at him so the next one was for a closer look with a fluid ultrasound.  That's where he squirted saline in there to check if I've got scarring or any other adhesions in my uterus and found none.  I was nervous about that one, because of the times that they've had to go in there.  I know they're not unnecessarily brutal when they do D&Cs, but I was worried.  Thankfully, I'm all clear on the uterine front.  That same day, I got blood drawn for more tests - which, I am proud to report I did with minimal freaking out!  I was even in a different office and that cow of a woman couldn't find my vein!  She claimed I had a 'rolling vein.'  I think it was user error.  Even with all that, I didn't cry and only hyperventilated a little.  Yea me!

Now, I don't know what it is about my doctor but he's all about the car metaphors.  First it was the low fuel to explain my FSH, and this time it's the 10-point check to explain the extra testing he's doing.  He said it's like having a 3-point check done on your car.  It may pass that just fine, but then find a problem on the 10-point check simply because it's more thorough.  Corny though they are, I don't mind his metaphors.  I like having things broken down for me and it does help to follow along with what's up with my body and why it's so rude to guests, kicking them out before they've even unpacked.  And check this out!!  He took my FSH again with this new round of tests and guess what!  My FSH has dropped!  It was a 12 when I had it done around this time last year and now I'm an 8.8!!  Below 10 is normal!  I was tripping out - yet another thing I had no idea could happen.  I thought there was nowhere to go but up, but apparently FSH fluctuations are completely normal.  My doctor said that he's seen fluctuations in the double digits!  He said he's seen it as high as 100 (which I have a hard time believing) and then have it drop all the way below 10 (which I have a hard time believing.)  He reminded me of his low fuel metaphor - sometimes the light goes off once it's on but that doesn't mean you got more gas.  I still have old eggs.  Way to bring me down, dude.  

Today, my date with the weenie-cam was for a follicle check.  The metaphor he used this time was that the follicle was the house where the egg lives.  You can't see the egg but you can see the house and how big it gets before the egg is ready to leave.  It's like the egg is overseeing the building of the house and when it's done, the egg signs off on the work and leaves!  He said my builders are on schedule and my follicles look good.  One more thing checked off the list!  My next appointment is for the endometrial biopsy.  That's where he'll take a piece of my uterine lining to measure how thick it is.  Too thin and the embryo has nothing to hold on to and falls out, causing a miscarriage.  Too thick and the embryo can't implant properly, falls out and causes a miscarriage.  Your lining has to be juuuuust right.  Today he told me my lining was on the thin side but there was still time for it to rally and get thick enough to pass the test.  I'm totally cheering for my lining - is that weird?  Don't answer that - I know it is.

With all the testing this cycle, the doctor has asked that we not 'try.'  Sadly, it's pretty easy as Drew is out of town my entire fertile window.  In Hawaii, no less.  Poor guy.  The next one will be when we're on vacation - wouldn't that be a cute story, if I got pregnant on vacation?  People usually get pregnant on vacation, right?  Something about the relaxation and no stress - wouldn't that be nice!  Of course, I'm no longer so naive in thinking that a mere vacation will do the trick but it can't hurt to hope - just a little.  

We hung out with our friend Tyler this weekend and he told us that some mutual friends of ours are expecting.  It hurt - although it wasn't like a full-out hardcore punch to the gut.  Rather, it was like the wind had just left my sails.  I was happy for them, but it never gets easier to hear.  I remember when that friend told us that his wife was going off the pill - it wasn't that long ago.  I know I don't know their story and we did lose touch with them for several months.  For all I know, they've had losses too.  I just can't help but feel like I'm the only one of our friends that is stuck in this limbo.  Even the ones we know that have had trouble have already gone on to have successful pregnancies.  It just sucks.  Uh-oh, I feel the wind leaving my sails.....

WEENIE-CAM!!
I can't help it - it makes me smile.