Low fuel

**I've been sitting on this post since Monday as I wasn't sure if I wanted to chronicle this journey, but in the spirit of letting it all hang out, here goes.

Monday morning I went to a fertility doctor at the request of my gynie. With the whole high FSH number business she wanted me to see him post-haste -- do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars. I thought she was being a bit agressive, as we haven't even been 'trying' yet. But I went.

The doctor was really nice, a chill Asian dude in his own office in the same building as my gynie. I made sure there would be no blood drawn at this meeting.

I filled out the questionnaire, stumbling over the 'how many alcholic beverages do you have in a week?' question. When I stopped to think about it, I was a little shocked. Drew and I both love wine and it's very customary for us to have a couple of glasses of wine on a Friday night to celebrate the weekend. And then there was the dinner party we had on Saturday night - and the work dinner we're going to this weekend - and our housewarming in a couple of weeks. I started to get really concerned - were we alcoholics? Have I ruined all chances I could ever have for getting pregnant?? All of a sudden I could think of every single drink I've had since Drew and I started dating. Before the panic could totally take me over, I reminded myself that it was in the past and there's nothing I could do about it and I can only be mindful of the future. But I made sure to address the drinking thing with the doctor as soon as I got in to see him. He told me I wasn't an alcoholic.

They took my blood pressure, weight and pulse and then I went in to chat with the doctor. He gave me a couple of handouts 'so I wouldn't have to take notes'. Notes? I'm supposed to take notes? Aw, man - I suck at this infertility thing already. Well, I took my pen out and wrote on my handouts so he wouldn't think I wasn't serious about getting pregnant and not help me.

I did have questions though - namely, should I even be here? It was all still surreal; I kind of felt like I was doing research for a project. Like I was here for someone or something else, it's not for me. This is what he told me:

'I have an analogy. Think of your hormone level like a fuel gauge. When the low fuel light comes on, it doesn't mean that your car is going to run out of gas right that second. However, you don't know precisely how long you can drive with the light on. Sometimes, the fuel in the tank swishes around and the light can temporarily go off, but you still have low fuel. If your FSH was 10 or below, I'd tell you to go home and try for six months. But with it being a 12, I'd want to start ruling things out.'

So my low fuel light has just come on and while it's not necessarily cause for panic, I need to start looking for a gas station. And then he outlined my treatment plan.

I have to get my blood drawn again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dammitdammitdammit

Depending on when I start, I'll go in on Monday or Tuesday to have my FSH taken for his office. I was like 'Can't you just ask my gynie for it? Can't you just take some of the blood they already have? Gah!!!' Next month I get the dye test to check that my tubes aren't blocked. The month after that I get the test to check that I have no scarring in my uterus. Fun stuff y'all. Drew's getting his boys checked in the meantime to make sure they're not retarded backwards-swimmers and all that.

I walked out still in somewhat of a daze. I fully expected him to laugh at me for being in his office, being young and thin and so obviously healthy. When he didn't, my confidence slid ever so slightly. 'You mean there might really be a problem?' Nothing's been confirmed yet and I still might be able to just get pregnant on my own but just the fact that I've been to see him makes my smile falter a little at the corners. He did tell me that even though my number was high meaning that my egg quantity may be low, the quality of the eggs is still good. At least there's that.

As for the wedding planning, things are presently in a holding pattern. It's amazing how many people have come out of the woodwork to express their opinions on how things should be done at my wedding. I tried to accomodate everyone for about two seconds before I threw up my hands and said forget it. But right now, Drew and I just navigating this new phase of our relationship. Getting engaged makes everything so much more serious. For example, pre-engagement doing his laundry wasn't that big of a deal. Now, it's grounds for a fight. 'I will not have you expecting me to do your laundry for the rest of my life!' And other such mandates, always ending with 'for the rest of my life'. To quote Prince, 'forever is a mighty long time'.

So we have presently stepped out of the three-ring circus and we're trying to regroup, both as a newly engaged couple and as a couple who is embarking on the baby journey without the shiny, idealized vision that maybe other people have. Maybe they don't - I don't know. I just know that a manual on how to navigate all this would be really helpful right about now.