Mommyangels

Being a mom is not difficult.  It does not take an advanced degree to change a diaper.  You do not need to be fluent in five different languages to hold a baby on your chest or over your shoulder and say 'shhh.'  Once the kinks are ironed out, breastfeeding is pretty straightforward.  But, um, you guys?


Being a mom is hard.


You don't get a break - ever.  When they say it's a 24-7 job, that's not an exaggeration.  There is no job on the planet that is 24-7.  Every job gets some time off somewhere, sometime EXCEPT being a mom.  I am still completely and totally lovesick over my daughter, but sometimes I need to do something else other than take care of her.  


I felt guilty.  I felt like I was pussing out because I was at the breaking point at only four months in. I felt like I should be stronger because being a mother is not difficult.  Yet, there I was, Woman On The Verge.


It started with dog hair (doesn't it always?)  It was piling up again and the kitchen floor was embarrassingly dirty and something in me snapped.  I hadn't been out of the house in days.  I'd been taking care of the baby nonstop.  My hair was dirty and my scalp was itchy.  I didn't have deodorant on.  My tank top was stained with spit-up and had a hole in it.  My nursing bras have gotten too big and they looked sloppy.  The baby was crying because I think she's teething.  I had plugged ducts in my right breast that hurt like hell.  I felt like a madwoman and there was Drew, outside in the sunshine, doing yardwork and tending to the garden.  I resented him and I knew it was unreasonable, because God knows I refuse to mow a lawn and I'm NOT an outdoorsy person.  But in that moment I would have traded places with him just to get out of the house.  After about three hours, I stomped outside, all terse and crazy.


"How much longer are you going to be."
"Not much longer, why?"
"I NEED to mop the floor and vaccuum and I NEED you to take the baby."  (cue crazy eyes, don't say anything but 'okay' or I will cut you)
"Okay." (good man)


He came inside and took care of the baby while I mopped, vacuumed and straightened the house and I thought that would take care of the crazies, but it didn't.  I still felt itchy and desperate.  I went to bed, only to toss and turn and of course get up at two in the morning to take care of the baby.


Yesterday, I was no better.  I had to get out.  I had to get away.  I needed to leave the house for something, anything.  I strapped the baby in her carseat and left to fax some papers to the insurance company (another reason I wanted to stab somebody.  Why is flex spending such a pain in the ass?  It's OUR money, we shouldn't have to jump through so many mother-effin hoops to get OUR money!)


I faxed the papers but the thought of going home was too much to bear.  I'd walked out without telling Drew where I was going, so of course he called and wanted to know where I was.  I let loose with all kinds of unintelligible sentence fragments that I'm sure had him ready to send the White Coat people for me.


You know, this is hard on me too!
I haven't left the house!
Cleaning the house is not a break!
I just need relief!
I can't!
Four seconds after I'm done cleaning you give her to me!
I just can't!


No, I'm not coming home.  I'm going to drive until I don't want to scream anymore.


Poor Drew.  I'm sure he didn't even know what hit him.  I hung up the phone and got on the freeway.  I was a mess.  I was crying and I didn't know where I was going.  I was still in my holey, stained tank top with my ill-fitting nursing bra and some pajama pants that were two sizes too big.  Thank god the baby was sound asleep in the back - I didn't want her to see me like this.  I called my best friend and he talked me off the ledge.  He has a daughter several months older than Sofia so he knew where my head was, having seen his wife in the same place.  We talked until I was calm and I found myself about 20 miles away from home, in Lewisville.  I used to live in the area and I pulled into the parking lot of the nearby mall with the intent of just walking around since I didn't need to drive anymore.


Before I walked in, I called a girlfriend of mine who lived in the area with her family.  We met when she was pregnant with her first child 12 (!) years ago and we've been friends ever since.  She has two kids now and we don't see each other or speak that often but this day I called her and she answered.  The fact that she was pulling into the mall parking lot at that same moment was nothing short of Divine Intervention.  I was in crisis and needed a friend and she was there.


I met her at the JC Penney just as she was walking in.  I tried my hardest to keep it together, but when I saw her sweet face and those understanding mommy eyes, I was gone.  Without a word, she grabbed me in a hug and let me cry on her shoulder.  I wasn't all crazy boo-hooing or anything, but I couldn't stop the tears.  She just rubbed my back and said "I know"  over and over again.


After just a couple of minutes, I pulled myself together and apologized for being such a nutbag.  She was like "are you kidding me?  You're a mom and I get it.  You're fine.  Why don't we walk around a bit?"


We went to the food court and had smoothies, talking about mom stuff.  All I want in the world is to wash my hair!  Yes, I know!  And you just want to sit and read a book sometimes! Yes!  And it's not that you don't love being a mom!  Exactly!  I just need to do something else sometimes!  I know!  You just need a break to yourself!  Yes!  And cleaning or grocery shopping is not a break!  I know!


It was exactly what I needed.  We walked around some more, I bought myself some properly-fitting clothes, I got an outfit for the baby, she bought an outfit for the baby and with each step I felt myself returning to center.  I was able to breathe again.  I felt validated and no longer guilty.


After a few hours, I returned home and Drew took the baby while I took a nap.  It was the first time that I didn't sleep with one eye or ear open and it felt so good.  After I woke up, I ate a sandwich he'd made me and took a long hot shower.  When I got out, we talked.  I told him that I'm not always able to give warning signs when I'm going down, that I needed him to be observant too, and step in before I disappear down the rabbit hole.  I told him that sometimes cries for help don't come in neat packages and I needed him to read the situation and realize that danger is brewing.  It got heated at times because he thought I was blaming him or expecting him to read my mind but we made it through.


I love being a mom and I'm more than grateful that I get to stay home and raise my child.  But I'm still human and I need to recharge my batteries just like anyone else.  We're not meant to do any one thing non-stop for any period of time, not even mothering.  When your tank is empty and you're burnt out, you're no longer effective and sometimes you need an outside force to step in and relieve you when you're so entrenched you can't do it yourself.

If I hadn't talked to my best friend and if my mommyangel friend hadn't answered my call, I would probably have been in Kansas by now, which I guess wouldn't be so bad.  At least I had sense enough to point the car north because eventually I would have ended up at my parents house.  Can you imagine if I would have driven south?  I'd be at the border by now, crossing over and selling gum in the street with my baby on my back - that's how much of a mess I was. 

But I'm so much better today.  I'm clean, I'm rested and I'm ready to mother once again.  I'm back in the game.  However, the only reason I'm standing is because of my support:  my husband, my best friend, and my mommyangel.  Mothering is no joke and there is no way on Earth you can do it alone.  No matter where it comes from, you have to have help, whether it's an encouraging word from a fellow mom or someone you trust to take your baby for just a few hours while you figure out how to breathe again.

So you can remember why you do it.

Rolling from Desiree on Vimeo.

She learned how to roll over when I was at my parent's house last month 
and now she's a pro!

Any day now she's gonna go back to tummy, I see it in her eyes!