Attempted murder, infanticide, elective surrogacy and mommy guilt: A children's story

At my baby shower, I used books as centerpieces. 

 I bought some and received some as gifts.

my inspiration photo

*And I just spent five minutes re-reading my post about it.  

My baby shower was this time last year.  Whoa.

I love having a little library for Sofia and I'm even more excited that she's starting to show interest in books.  During our playtime slash learning time (courtesy of The Schedule) I've started reading out loud to Sofia while she plays with her blocks and she's actually starting to pay attention!  Before now, I hadn't really paid attention to the books that she has because I couldn't get her to sit still long enough to read them to her so they were mostly for show.  

This is why I didn't know I had a children's book about attempted murder, infanticide, elective surrogacy and mommy guilt sitting on our living room shelf.

Sofia was sitting on the floor, innocently banging her blocks together and I innocently chose a book from the shelf.  Beatrix Potter, aww!  Peter Rabbit, aww!  Look Sofia!  Mommy's going to read you a Beatrix Potter book!

No - Mommy's going to freak the F out.

Have you read The Tale of Jemima Puddle-Duck?  That shit is CRAZY!!

Lookin all innocent.

All lies!!

My girl Jemima just wants to be a mom, but the farmer keeps taking her eggs and won't let her hatch them.  Only a few sentences in and I gasped.  "She just wants to be a mom!  Bitch-ass farmer keeps taking her eggs!"

Jemima's sister-in-law doesn't see what the big deal is and looks down her nose, er, beak at Jemima, talkin shit like Hatching your own eggs is stupid and you wouldn't catch me doing that shit.  Besides, you're not the brightest Jemima.  You'd let them go cold, you know you would!

I found myself getting mad at Rebeccah Puddle-Duck.  "Oh, so you're not even too posh to push, you're too posh to even carry!  And get off Jemima!  If she wants to hatch her own eggs let her, you tramp!"

Jemima even tried to hide her eggs from the farmer so she could hatch them because she just wants to be a mom! but the farmer kept finding them and taking them from her.  So she runs away, so the damn farmer will quit taking her eggs.

By now I'm entrenched.  I was still reading out loud to the baby, but she had lost interest and had crawled away.  I kept an eye on her and kept on reading out loud.  I was rooting for Jemima.  I wanted her to be a mom.

So, Jemima ran away to find a safe place where she could lay her eggs and hatch them herself.  She found a nice spot, and came across "an elegantly dressed gentleman" with "prick ears and sandy coloured whiskers."

Don't fall for it girl!

It's always the well-dressed ones!

He was all suave and debonair, asking if she lost her way, if he might be of assistance.  Mmm-HMM.  WTF-ever.  Jemima told him about her bitch-ass sister-in-law and he was all "I would never let anyone talk to you like that."  "Do you need a place to lay your eggs?  As a matter of fact, I have a place you can stay, just around the corner."

I started yelling at the book in my mind, so my daughter wouldn't think I was too crazy.  

GIIIIRRRRL!  Don't be stupid!  Isn't it just a little too convenient that he's got a place where you can stay?  It's all run-down and scabby looking!  Talkin bout 'this is his summer home.'  That's what they all say!  Red flag, girl, Red Flag!!!

He showed her to the shed! out back! not even the main house! where she can 'stay as long as she'd like' and it's knee-deep in feathers.  Duck feathers.  But poor Jemima doesn't even see it.  

"The shed was almost quite full of feathers - it was almost suffocating(!!!!!); but it was comfortable and very soft."

"Jemima Puddle-duck was rather surprised to find such a vast quantity of feathers."

I was scared for Jemima Puddle-duck.  This wasn't right and she didn't even see it!  For god's sake, the 'gentleman' told her to her face that he loved eggs and ducklings!  How could she not see what was happening?  

But I get it.  Her desire to hatch her own eggs and be a mom clouded everything else.  Poor Jemima Puddle-duck.  

She laid her eggs and the "foxy gentleman admired them immensely."  (Get your grubby hands off her eggs, you bastard!)  She even told him that she was going to sit on her eggs the next day, and even bring food so she wouldn't have to leave because she wanted to make sure her eggs didn't catch cold.

I caught a sob at that, because I'm sure she heard her nagging, bitch-ass sister-in-law's voice in her head and she wanted to make double sure she did a good job.

And of course the fox was all "I got you baby.  You don't even have to worry about all that.  I got some tasty-ass oats right here!  But before you start all that hard work of sitting on your eggs for 28 days straight, why don't you let me treat you to a nice dinner?  Just the two of us!  I love the way the sunlight hits your feathers.  Is that too forward of me?  I apologize, it's just the way your beak mesmerizes me, I forget my manners.  Where was I?  Oh yes, dinner!  Just the two of us!  Why don't you be a peach and gather some herbs for an omelette?  And how about some mint and parsley and onions and sage?  Won't that be nice?  I'll pick up a nice bottle of wine.  Of course, if that's all right with you."


I was screaming at her now - in my mind.  "JEMIMA!  Are you listening?!  Omelettes?  Herbs for stuffing a roast duck?!?!  Come on girl!  Don't be swayed by the nice clothes and the smooth voice.  This muhf*cka's bout to kill you!!"


But she didn't listen.  Off she goes, gathering herbs "for dinner."  She probably went and got her hair done too, maybe a mani/pedi.  So she'll look nice for their "special dinner."  Oh Jemima.


She went back to the farm she ran away from to get the onions and came across the farm dog. He was all "where you been girl?"  And she was like "I met this guy and he's so handsome and well-dressed and he's nice to me.  He's letting me stay with him so I can hatch my eggs."  


Thank GAWD the dog was like "hmmm, something doesn't sound right.  Tell me EVERYTHING."  


But then HIS stupid ass was just looking for a fight!  He didn't really want to help Jemima!  He wasn't thinking about her!  So the farm dog went down into the village to get his boys, two stupid thug puppies, to go after the fox.


Meanwhile, Jemima came back to the house with the herbs and things, and THIS shifty bastard is all nervous and jittery, sniffing the air and looking all uneasy.  He jumps when Jemima comes up and is all short with her.

"Come into the house as soon as you have looked at your eggs.  Give me the herbs for the omelette.  Be sharp!"

Jemima Puddle-duck had never heard him speak like that.  She felt surprised, and uncomfortable."

Are you fucking kidding me?  This is a got damb LIFETIME MOVIE!

She went inside the house and just then, the farm dog and the thug puppies showed up.  They sniffed at the bottom of the door, and then locked her in.  The FUCK!?


Horrible death-noises ensued and that was it for the fox.  The farm dog unlocked the door and let Jemima out, but the thug puppies had gotten in the shed where she was staying and had eaten all her eggs.


Me, yelling in my mind:  Beatrix Potter, you are not serious right now.


Poor Jemima had to be escorted back to the farm she ran away from because she was so distraught over her eggs.  Of course she is!  Thug puppies killed her babies!


She laid more eggs that they let her keep (gee thanks, fucking farmers.  She's scarred for life but you think more babies will make up for it and make her forget the other ones.  SUUURE.)  


And here's the kicker:  It says "only four of them hatched."  So she had more, but some didn't make it.  Can Jemima Puddle-duck please catch a break?  DAMN.


How's this for the closing paragraph of the story?

"Jemima Puddle-duck said that it was because of her nerves; but she had always been a bad sitter."

She blamed herself for everything that happened.

What. The SHIT?!?!  This is a children's book?!  Are you kidding me?  And here I was thinking that All My Friends Are Dead was the weirdest gift I got at the shower.

Dude, you got nothin on Jemima.

I closed the book, feeling so bad for Jemima, wondering what the blue-blooded hell Beatrix Potter was thinking when she wrote this book and what the hell happened to her that these self-esteem issues were manifesting themselves in her characters.  And who thought this was a good story?  Who said hey let's publish and distribute this for children?  I started wondering what the hell other books I have in Sofia's library and made a mental note to scan her bookcase tomorrow.

PS, what the hell other books do I need to watch out for?  The last thing I need is to be reading to my daughter and end up throwing the book across the room, yelling about how she needs to open your f*cking EYES woman!

From now on, we're totally sticking to Goodnight Moon.