Working out the jitters

Note to Drew:  I know you read this sometimes and please understand that the following is me venting.  This is my blog and I'm allowed to vent.  I love you with everything that I am and I'm looking forward to our life together.  But sometimes I get to vent.  This is me venting - besides, you won't read anything here that I haven't already said to you in person, but I still need to vent.  This is for me and not against you - I'm just venting.

Note to my readers:  I love my boyfriend more than anything but as anyone who is in a *real* relationship can attest, sometimes you want to twist their nose off and run away.  I need to vent.  Please understand that this is necessary for me to do what I'm about to do with a clear head and a pure heart. 

Glass houses, y'all, glass houses. 

Drew and I will be married this Saturday at 1pm in the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens.  It's a breathtaking spot and is pretty much perfect for a wedding ceremony.  See for yourselves.

Coming to this decision was extremely difficult for me, as you may know (see any of my 'goin to the chapel' posts to catch up, esp. this one.)  I am the most stubborn person alive and to see my dreams disintegrate before me was harder than anything I could have imagined.  It was one of the last things I thought I'd be able to do 'right' - whatever 'right' means.  Actually, right for me meant my dad walking me down the aisle, being surrounded by our friends and family; a fun, dance-all-night reception, and a rowdy send-off to a romantic honeymoon.  That's what I wanted.

Tell God your plans, right?  Instead, it will be Drew and I, alone with only the officiant and the photographer witnessing the ceremony.  For me, that is so very hard because dysfunctional though we are, my family is very close-knit.  Even when we're fighting, we come together when we have to, putting aside our differences for the moment, and then resume fighting when it's over.  It's not at all perfect, but they're my family and they're all I've got.

Getting pregnant put a big ol obstacle in the wedding road.  Waaaay back, we were going to get married next year, on 10-10-10.  Then the whole fertility stuff scared us into pushing it up, but we couldn't get it together for a November 7th wedding.  That became a moot point when I got pregnant, as I'll be four months and change around Nov. 7th and I either wanted to do it sooner so I wouldn't be showing as much or wait to do everything till after the baby came.  Then, we found out his insurance is so much better than mine, meaning we'd need to push it up even further so my prenatal care would be covered by his insurance.  That's how we arrived at this Saturday.

My mother had given me the money for a ceremony and Drew wanted to spend it on something for just us, leaving out everyone else.  To me, that was horrible.  I couldn't imagine not sharing that day with aaaaaallllll my friends and family.  Doing it alone seemed incredibly sad and still does.  Drew thought that I should be okay because it was us, sort of like because I had him, all is right with the world.  Well, understandably, when I told him that that was not the case, he was hurt.  And what do men do when they're hurt?  They get mad -- so we fought; him accusing me of not wanting to depend on him, me accusing him of wanting to isolate me from my family.  All of it was just mutual hurt feelings and frustration over the circumstances, but neither of us could get out of our own ways to see that.  When you hurt that bad over something that important to you, you just can't.

Needless to say, all kinds of hurtful things were slung back and forth, yet the whole time we were planning to get married.  Well, I wanted to just go to the courthouse, spending as little money as possible so we could save the rest and have a 'real' wedding in Kansas City next year.  He was totally against that, claiming that I didn't care about us, that all I cared about was myself and my family, etc.  And honestly, I can't say he's 100% wrong.  The fact that I have him doesn't make everything ok.  If everything else fell away and I was left with no one but him, I would be devastated.  A life without my mother?  Without my family and friends?  I'm sorry, but my husband won't and shouldn't replace them.  That's just not healthy.  And what I couldn't get is why it had to be that way?  Why don't you get both?

So anyway, after lots of praying, crying and talking with my best friends and my mother, I decided to go ahead and spend some of the money she gave me for a nicer ceremony and not go to the courthouse.  It hard because I felt like spending this money meant I was giving up on my desire to have something next year and once again, Drew was getting his way and I was losing out.  Naturally, I began thinking is this what my married life will be like?  Fighting till I give in?  Not having what's important to me ever?  Eff that!!   I know in that emotional space, I was over-reacting but it's how I felt.  

However, I went ahead with my plans.  I did a google search for officiants and found one that resonated with me and when I met with them, I felt a little more like I was making the right choice.  I found a beautiful dress pretty much immediately and the price was right.  The first photographer was way too expensive, but the second one was just right.  The gardens are beautiful and also well within what I wanted to spend.  I purchased his ring, again not breaking the bank and I did all of this without telling him.  I wanted it to be a surprise as well as a sort of an olive branch, a way to show him that I do care about him, that what he wants is important to me and I am committed to him.  He was pleased when I took him to the gardens and asked him to pick out a spot for us to get married.

**I'm going to break this up because it's getting kind of long.  Plus I need to sort through my thoughts some more.   

I got an award!

When I first started my blog I noticed people giving and receiving blog awards and thought that was the coolest thing.  I never figured I'd get one!  When I saw my little ol' rambling's on Kristina's blog, I totally squealed with delight!  It's such a treat to know that someone out there likes reading what I have to say.  I don't sell anything, and I'm not writing with the express intent to get an audience, but it is so affirming to read a comment from someone who knows what I'm going through, who's been there and who can offer encouragement and solidarity.  It's about connecting y'all! 

So, she likes reading my blog and gave me an award for it!  I'm not even making it up - go check it out!  How cool right!  And, in the spirit of receiving this award, I'm supposed to list ten honest things about myself.  I kind of stumbled on that one because all the honest stuff I could think about wasn't great - isn't that the way it always is?  We hide the ugly, always putting only our best foot forward?  *big sigh*  Well, never let it be said that I stop playing when the rules aren't convenient anymore.  *wink*


1.  I'm not a go-getter professionally.  If it's not handed to me, I don't go after it.  It's partly a fear of failure, partly because I've been handed a lot of really great things in my life and I haven't felt the need to strive for more.  If you handed me an awesome job, I would work my ass off at it, but I wouldn't necessarily advocate or campaign for it.  Hence, my job as a receptionist.  I know I could do more, but... *shrugs* meh.  Maybe things will change when the baby comes and I have to set an example as a mother.

2.  I can't stand romantic movies where everything is tied up neatly in two hours with a pretty bow.  I had never seen Jerry Maguire in it's entirety - I knew the 'you complete me' and 'show me the money' lines but I never knew the context.  It's one of Drew's favorite movies and it was on tv the other day.  Within minutes I was yelling at the tv and demanding that we change the channel.  "That's not real life!  He's co-dependant!  She's a widowed single mother and he's taking advantage of her!  What the hell!!!"  We saw Tyler Perry's I Can Do Bad All By Myself and I was so disgusted annoyed at how he just tied it all up, everything's right with the world.  It's just a set-up for failure.  When movies portray your life, only better, we get trapped into a delusion and then go home and expect our lives to mimic what we see in the movies because that line between reality and fantasy is so blurred.  Give me X-Men: Wolverine, Transformers (the first one), Mr. and Mrs. Smith, or The Transporter (the first one) any day.  Take me away from reality, where knives come out of a hot dude's hands - that shit is cool!!!

3.  Even though I love my family with all my heart and I miss them every day, I don't want to move back to Kansas.  I'd rather all of them move down to Dallas with me.  I've grown very accustomed to big-city living and have zero desire to take a backwards step.

4.  I'm a total goody-two-shoes and have the hardest time breaking rules or lying.  I suck at lying.  I over-do it and I have a very expressive face which always gives me away. 

5.  Even though I know I'm pretty and my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I still have the skinny, awkward, hairy girl inside me that must be protected at all times.

6.  I'm much calmer and more rational than I used to be (and that's saying something!) and the only thing that has ever helped has been years of therapy.  Don't knock till you've tried it - if you approach it with the right mindset, it works.  I'm proof.

7.  I don't make friends very easily.  The skinny, awkward, hairy girl is convinced that new people don't really want to be friends with her, and I'm not great with the superficial nonsense.  Therefore, I don't do so well with small talk or 'networking', so if I reach out to you it's because I think you're really really cool and I really really want to get to know you.  I may miss out on new opportunities (Drew tells me that all the time - he can make friends with anyone, anywhere.  That's why he's awesome), but so be it.  I've been this way for a long time, and I'm not comfortable with changing just yet.

8.  I looooove peaches!  Anything peach and I'm there - peach cobbler, peach margaritas, peach sorbet, peach tarts, peach smoothies, peach pie, peach martinis, peach jolly ranchers, peach lollipops... (Millions of peaches, peaches for me, millions of peaches, peaches for free)

9.  I'm so thankful every single day that I don't have serious illnesses, mental or otherwise.  Every single day I say a quick prayer of thanks for my health.  Seriously, without your health, you have nothing.  Especially in light of some of the really dumb shit I did when I was younger, I'm soooo thankful I'm healthy!

10.  I really wish that I had made a more concerted effort to learn Spanish when I was younger.  I didn't really get to know my grandmother because she passed when I was 8, but also because she didn't speak English.  My strongest memory of her is standing in front of her stove, flipping a tortilla over the gas burner and taking a stick of mantequilla (butter) and swirling it onto the tortilla.  She'd roll up the tortilla, wrap the bottom half in a paper towel so it wouldn't drip and give it to me as a snack.  Every time we'd go to her house, I'd always ask her for a tortilla con mantequilla.  That was the limit of my Spanish back then - I didn't learn Spanish fluently until high school.  I wish I had learned it earlier - I bet my abuelita had cool stories.  Grandmas always do.


So, that's it!  Ten honest things about me - and now I'm supposed to give an award to the other blogs I like to read.  Here they are - enjoy them, I totally have!

Cori - she's the reason I started my blog so I can't leave her out!
Joleene - I totally read her blog for parenting tips and female inspiration.
Kesha - Thanks to the blog world, I got to 'meet' her and she's so honest and awesome!
Kelly - I like popping in on her from time to time to check in and make sure all is well in her world.  I think we need that, other people looking out for us, you know?
Gem - She was one of the first blogs I found and is so massively entertaining and thought-provoking that you just have to visit!
Shanen - Her blog is The Sweet Spot and that so perfectly describes it that you just have to go there to see what I'm talking about.  It's so sweet!
Kristina - I don't know if you're supposed to give an award back to the person who gave it to you but I'm doing it anyway.  She's so nice and funny and makes magic with thrift store finds and she's pretty much the coolest.

And I know the thing said give it to ten people but I'm stopping at lucky number seven.  I guess there's a little rule-breaker in me after all.

Yoga for pregnancy

For the past couple of days, I've woken up feeling somewhat more normal.  The soreness in my boobs has subsided and I didn't have to get up in the middle of the night to pee!  That's where my life is, I'm celebrating being able sleep uninterrupted.  But that's because I know that I won't be able to again for a good seven or eight years -- but I digress.

Since I've been feeling so good, I decided that I would go to a yoga class.  I used to have a very consistent practice and I practically lived in a yoga studio when I worked, taught and would take class.  Life was awesome.  I've practiced for almost ten years now and I've developed a really strong, positive body awareness.  We've got a good thing going, my body and me.  Now, I'm not as fluid or as flexible as some other practitioners, but over the years it's brought me a great sense of accomplishment to recognize and honor my body's strength and flexibility.  I've become able to bend and twist and balance with some of the best of them.

I went to Amy's class last night - I've known Amy for a few years and she has a very strong practice and she's a great teacher.  Plus, she's just super nice and you can tell that she's dedicated to her students and isn't just up there to show off how strong she is and how flexible you're not.  I knew it would be a great class and I wasn't disappointed.  Exactly.

The first thing they tell you regarding yoga when you're pregnant is no overheating, and no deep twists.  Your belly is now somebody's house and you can't go compressing and wringing out that house like a dishtowel.  Even though her class wasn't a prenatal one, I knew enough to know which poses to modify and which ones to sit out.  Instead, I simply would breathe and practice acceptance, realize that temporarily I can't push myself to my limits, twist a millimeter deeper, hold that lunge until I'm shaking and dripping sweat. 

What I didn't expect is how I would feel about that.  Dropping my knee where I would usually lunge deep, using a smaller range of motion where I would see how far I could reach or how big my movements could be.  I couldn't twist at all and I felt really left out when the rest of the class went over to the wall to practice headstands.  I love headstands and I've gotten quite good at them, but turning my whole body upside down is just not the business.  Towards the end of class, doing a down dog was giving me a head rush.

That's a down dog for my non-yoga peeps.  It's a great pose with lots of great benefits, it's just that with my body beginning to produce more blood, bodily fluids as well as my insides shifting all around, hanging out upside-down is just kind of uncomfortable.  I had to come out of the pose so slowly so I wouldn't freakin pass out.

Class was wonderful and I'm so glad that I went.  I will join a prenatal yoga class in the coming weeks and I really want to keep up my practice throughout my pregnancy.  Not only will this journey be physical, but the mental aspect of it is massive as well.  As last night has shown me, I will need to dedicate more effort to practicing acceptance and releasing control.  This bond that I have with my body will need to be expanded to include this life inside me and I welcome these changes.

It will not be easy or smooth and likely I will encounter more challenges as my physical limitations increase.  One day soon, I'm not going to be able to see my feet!  I totally can't get my head around that right now. 

That's the great thing about yoga -- it's a mental practice and if your mind is as jumbled and jacked-up as mine, there's always somewhere you can go.  Peace and cookies y'all!