The storm before the calm

I look back to my last post with fondness and melancholy, for it was in that post I still bore the blush of a newly engaged, slightly overwhelmed Desiree.

Back to reality.

It's interesting that it took less than a week to come crashing back to Earth, but I'm guess I'm thankful that I'm mature enough not to clap my hands over my ears and go 'lalalalala'. Instead, I mourn what could have been and calmly resolve to deal with what is.

Waaaay back, Drew and I were first talking and fighting about whether or not to stay in an apartment or get a house. He was ready for a house, I was not. I had many reasons I didn't want to get a house and one of the big ones was that if we got a house we wouldn't be able to afford a wedding and I really wanted to be married before we had a house. I know it's just one day, I know the marriage matters more, but these words are usually coming out of the mouth of a person who got to have a wedding.

I fought tooth and nail but I lost that battle, as we now live in a house. I knew I had two choices: be bitter and make my life miserable by constantly reminding Drew that this isn't what I wanted, or make the best of it. I have chosen the latter and I now love our house and it is my home. We had the same fight over the dog. I lost that fight too, although I'm not in love with the dog just yet and I wouldn't hold your breath on that one.

The house is wonderful, and as anyone who is a homeowner knows, it is a massive money drain. We didn't even have to remodel anything but we still have poured every available penny (and some unavailable pennies) into this house. This means there are zero dollars left for a wedding. Zero. Now, even though I have already made my choice to love this house and make the best of this situation, I knew it would happen like this. It's simple math and it has nothing to do with attitude. If you have a hundred dollars and you buy something that costs a hundred dollars you have zero left. Zero.

I knew this, I knew better than to get my hopes up. The rational part of me knew that more likely than not, I would have to revise my girlhood dreams of how it would be when I got married. Then I got a glimmer of hope. My mother told me that she was due to come into some money and when she did, she would give me a portion of it for my wedding. I slowly allowed myself to think that we might be able to do something after all. I knew better, I know better.

This is the story of my life. My parents want the best for me but they cannot always provide it. I know they sacrificed to provide me with some things financially but they are classic over-promisers, under-deliverers. My father does it so he can look good to other people, to give people the illusion that he's doing it (whatever it is) better than the next guy. My mother does it from a purer heart - I know she wants to come through because she loves me but it's just much easier to be honest and simply say you can't.

However, I do not blame. Again, I do not blame. I am responsible for myself, my feelings, and above all my reactions. I'm the one who allowed myself to think that this money would materialize. And who knows, it still might. It's just becoming more and more apparent that it probably won't anytime soon, which eliminates the possibility of planning anything. Caterers (and every other wedding-related person) first want a date, then they want a deposit - neither of which I have.

I'm the one who allowed myself to browse the bridal websites, daydream about a dress, look up caterers, make a page on The Knot, pick bridesmaids, daydream about their dresses, look at invitations, daydream about shoes, hair, and makeup. I did that - no one made me. I knew there was no money in my nor Drew's bank account for any of those things. I knew that none of that would be possible without my mother's money (I hate even saying that).

I remember when I was dating this guy my dad liked, he called me and told me that if things worked out with us, he'd be willing to give $20,000 toward a wedding or down payment on a house. I nearly choked on my laughter - where the hell would he get $20,000? Did he think I didn't know him and know that he does not, nor has he ever had that kind of money? But it sounds good coming out of his mouth and I know my dad wants to be that guy, for other people if not for us.

My brother once told me about the right, fast, cheap triangle. That when you consider a task, you will probably only get two out of three in a best case scenario. In my case, of course we could have a wedding. We could do something fast and cheap but it won't be "right". I would have to compromise on more than what I'm willing to. We could just go to Costco and get some paper plates and plastic cups and borrow some metal chairs from the church up the street and do it that way. Or we could do it right and cheap. God knows, there are a kabillion blogs and websites devoted to DIY weddings and how to do stuff on the cheap. But that doesn't usually happen fast. There's some planning and researching involved. It takes time to collect mason jars for centerpieces! Or we could do it right and fast but we all know that last minute stuff is rarely cheap.

The objective is to get married this year. That is the only thing that's important and yes I agree, the marriage is far more important than the wedding and I refuse to go Bridezilla on Drew or be one of those couples whose relationship disintegrates because of the wedding.

But damn it all, I wanted a dress. I wanted flowers. I wanted to celebrate with my friends and family. I wanted us to dance and for our friends and family to witness our family being created. For all the 50% divorce statistics and wedding horror stories, I wanted those moments. The wedding doesn't make the marriage, I know that. I do. But I had really wanted it to be a defining moment, a marking in time signifying that before you were single, after you're married. I didn't want my wedding day to be just another day, where we just add 'go to the justice of the peace' in between 'walk the dog' and 'pick up groceries' on the errand list. But, frankly that's all we've got money for and I'm allowed to say that sucks.

I'm allowed my moment of silence for what could have been. I'm allowed to wish that things were different. I'm allowed to want my dad to walk me down the aisle, instead of saying that he doesn't even care that his daughter is engaged. I'm allowed to want my little cousins to get dressed up and throw flower petals and for everyone to ooh and aahh because there's nothing cuter than dressed up little girls. I'm allowed to romanticize this, because I know that the planning and everything causes massive amounts of stress. I'm allowed to think that my wedding would have been different, that we would have handled snafus with laughter and grace.

I love this man.

This was his birthday - I made him wear all the ribbons from his presents.

Bottom line, I will marry him whenever, wherever, however, wearing whatever, it doesn't matter. Money or no money, family and friends or not, I'll do it because he's what matters. I just needed to pay some honor to my dreams before I let them go and embrace reality.