Working out the jitters

Note to Drew:  I know you read this sometimes and please understand that the following is me venting.  This is my blog and I'm allowed to vent.  I love you with everything that I am and I'm looking forward to our life together.  But sometimes I get to vent.  This is me venting - besides, you won't read anything here that I haven't already said to you in person, but I still need to vent.  This is for me and not against you - I'm just venting.

Note to my readers:  I love my boyfriend more than anything but as anyone who is in a *real* relationship can attest, sometimes you want to twist their nose off and run away.  I need to vent.  Please understand that this is necessary for me to do what I'm about to do with a clear head and a pure heart. 

Glass houses, y'all, glass houses. 

Drew and I will be married this Saturday at 1pm in the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens.  It's a breathtaking spot and is pretty much perfect for a wedding ceremony.  See for yourselves.

Coming to this decision was extremely difficult for me, as you may know (see any of my 'goin to the chapel' posts to catch up, esp. this one.)  I am the most stubborn person alive and to see my dreams disintegrate before me was harder than anything I could have imagined.  It was one of the last things I thought I'd be able to do 'right' - whatever 'right' means.  Actually, right for me meant my dad walking me down the aisle, being surrounded by our friends and family; a fun, dance-all-night reception, and a rowdy send-off to a romantic honeymoon.  That's what I wanted.

Tell God your plans, right?  Instead, it will be Drew and I, alone with only the officiant and the photographer witnessing the ceremony.  For me, that is so very hard because dysfunctional though we are, my family is very close-knit.  Even when we're fighting, we come together when we have to, putting aside our differences for the moment, and then resume fighting when it's over.  It's not at all perfect, but they're my family and they're all I've got.

Getting pregnant put a big ol obstacle in the wedding road.  Waaaay back, we were going to get married next year, on 10-10-10.  Then the whole fertility stuff scared us into pushing it up, but we couldn't get it together for a November 7th wedding.  That became a moot point when I got pregnant, as I'll be four months and change around Nov. 7th and I either wanted to do it sooner so I wouldn't be showing as much or wait to do everything till after the baby came.  Then, we found out his insurance is so much better than mine, meaning we'd need to push it up even further so my prenatal care would be covered by his insurance.  That's how we arrived at this Saturday.

My mother had given me the money for a ceremony and Drew wanted to spend it on something for just us, leaving out everyone else.  To me, that was horrible.  I couldn't imagine not sharing that day with aaaaaallllll my friends and family.  Doing it alone seemed incredibly sad and still does.  Drew thought that I should be okay because it was us, sort of like because I had him, all is right with the world.  Well, understandably, when I told him that that was not the case, he was hurt.  And what do men do when they're hurt?  They get mad -- so we fought; him accusing me of not wanting to depend on him, me accusing him of wanting to isolate me from my family.  All of it was just mutual hurt feelings and frustration over the circumstances, but neither of us could get out of our own ways to see that.  When you hurt that bad over something that important to you, you just can't.

Needless to say, all kinds of hurtful things were slung back and forth, yet the whole time we were planning to get married.  Well, I wanted to just go to the courthouse, spending as little money as possible so we could save the rest and have a 'real' wedding in Kansas City next year.  He was totally against that, claiming that I didn't care about us, that all I cared about was myself and my family, etc.  And honestly, I can't say he's 100% wrong.  The fact that I have him doesn't make everything ok.  If everything else fell away and I was left with no one but him, I would be devastated.  A life without my mother?  Without my family and friends?  I'm sorry, but my husband won't and shouldn't replace them.  That's just not healthy.  And what I couldn't get is why it had to be that way?  Why don't you get both?

So anyway, after lots of praying, crying and talking with my best friends and my mother, I decided to go ahead and spend some of the money she gave me for a nicer ceremony and not go to the courthouse.  It hard because I felt like spending this money meant I was giving up on my desire to have something next year and once again, Drew was getting his way and I was losing out.  Naturally, I began thinking is this what my married life will be like?  Fighting till I give in?  Not having what's important to me ever?  Eff that!!   I know in that emotional space, I was over-reacting but it's how I felt.  

However, I went ahead with my plans.  I did a google search for officiants and found one that resonated with me and when I met with them, I felt a little more like I was making the right choice.  I found a beautiful dress pretty much immediately and the price was right.  The first photographer was way too expensive, but the second one was just right.  The gardens are beautiful and also well within what I wanted to spend.  I purchased his ring, again not breaking the bank and I did all of this without telling him.  I wanted it to be a surprise as well as a sort of an olive branch, a way to show him that I do care about him, that what he wants is important to me and I am committed to him.  He was pleased when I took him to the gardens and asked him to pick out a spot for us to get married.

**I'm going to break this up because it's getting kind of long.  Plus I need to sort through my thoughts some more.