Everything and nothing

That's what my days look like, that's what I'm thinking about, that's how I feel.


Sofia is an easy baby.  I often joke with Drew that we should quit while we're ahead because she's so easy, which means any babies that come after her will be holy terrors.  She sleeps through the night - I'm talking 9p-5a, get up to nurse, and back to bed until 9, sometimes 10am.  It's a beautiful thing.  She naps like clockwork, at 1p for about an hour and 6:30 for another hour, and if the angels smile on me sometimes she'll take a two or three hour afternoon nap!  I did nothing to set this schedule, I take no credit.  I am no supermom.  I merely gave her what she needed.  She only has crying fits when I don't adhere to the schedule and try to keep her up past one or don't lay her down at 6:30.  As long as I stay in line, she's happy.

I resisted the urge to go into the nursery right now and snap a picture

of her napping so this one is from last month, one of the first

times she took a nap in the crib.

The mobile is a lifesaver - I got it for her when she started making real eye contact with me.  She'll get hypnotized by it, giving me precious time to go to the bathroom in peace, or change my clothes or brush my teeth.  My favorite thing about it is the remote control, so when it stops I don't have to go all the way into her room to turn it back on.  I was so amazed at how well it worked I nicknamed it Jesus.

Every morning Sofia, Maya and I go for our walk around the neighborhood.  Maya and I get our exercise to keep us from being insane.  I keep looking for my abs on our walks, but I haven't found them yet.  However, pushing the stroller up the hills is helping me to find my butt and thighs so at least there's that.  I even saw a couple of ladies from the playgroup and we stopped and chatted!  That felt so good - I felt like I had a seat in cafeteria!

Yeah, I'm a mom, I have mom friends, no big deal.  I'm cool, I'm breezy, I'm not a dork at all.

And then something happens that reminds me.  Things aren't always what they seem.

On our walk this morning I was wearing a tank top and had my hair in a bun.  I was also wearing yoga pants - surprise surprise.  The playgroup ladies had come up behind me so naturally, after a bit of small talk one of them asked me about my tattoo.  I was caught off guard - most of the time you can't see it and it has such personal meaning for me I rarely know how to explain it.  Well, being Smooth Move Sally that I am, I word vomited as usual and ended up telling them that I'd had a couple of losses (I was so flustered I didn't even get the number right, making me feel even guiltier.)  Thankfully, it didn't completely halt the conversation but there was an awkward pause.

It got me thinking.  About my lack of thinking.  About the other babies, that is.

Sofia consumes my every waking moment.  I miss her while she sleeps.  I live around her schedule, eating and sleeping in between mothering her.  But let's face it - walking the dog, naps, feeding - it's not exciting stuff.  It's easy to say 'nothing' when someone asks what I've done all day.  But it's my everything just the same.  It's my whole life.

Between my mothering moments, I thought of them.  The other babies.  And I wonder if they know that even though my everything is consumed with Sofia, I wonder if they know they're not nothing.  They were real to me, all of them.  I miss them all and I hold them in my heart just as surely as I hold Sofia in my arms.

But I have to admit, since she was born, the memory of them has faded.  The pain isn't quite so acute because honestly, there's so much joy when I look at Sofia.  One time she smiled at me and I thought I would start crying because I was so happy.  It's hard to be anything but ecstatic when one of my silly faces or weird noises gets a big gummy smile from her.

Yet, when she asked about my tattoo I thought of them all over again.  About that time in my life, that's so far removed from my present, but I feel the pang just the same.  I found myself wondering if they know.  If they know they're not nothing.  That even though I have my everything, they're not nothing.

I know things are as they're supposed to be and all mourning must come to a close, otherwise how would any of us ever go on? 

But they know, right?  They know they're not nothing, right?  That even though my days and nights are filled with Sofia, they're still important and will always have that place in my heart?

It was an innocent question on a random day.  I didn't descend into a pit of sorrow and soon the memory will fade.  But for a moment, in the midst of my everything and nothing, I thought of them.  

Let's talk fashion

Let's pretend that we're just hanging out, without a care in the world.  The laundry is done, the house is clean and we're just sitting around, glass of wine in hand, talking about girl stuff like clothes and shoes and hair - I haven't done that in a while.  Join me, won't you?

Hands in the mouth is optional

So is seeing what other people will look like with your hair.

Speaking of hair, I don't know how natural moms do it!  I'm lucky if I can wash my hair, much less do my standard style.  I just went back and looked at that post and sighed wistfully at how great my hair looked.  These days, the best I can do is wash, detangle with some no-frizz stuff and put it in a ponytail - wet.  

My no-frizz stuff.  If you know of something better, please share!

I'm not wildly pleased with my no-frizz stuff because it doesn't make my hair soft.  I don't know if that's because I don't separate the curls like I usually do, or if I'm just not meant to have soft hair, but it's feeling kind of wiry and that makes me sad.

The other thing that bugs me, is that I can't twist it at night anymore.  The baby goes to sleep between nine and ten these days and I usually run around and do dishes and laundry once she's down, and before I go to bed around 11:30.  Twisting my hair is the last thing I want to do, but that means I wake up with a ball of fuzz the next morning and the only thing I can do is put on  a headband and throw it in a bun because hairline fuzz is my pet peeve.

And never mind straight hair.  That is an ordeal.  I have to start straightening it immediately out of the shower so all told, that's a two hour process.  Granted, I can have smooth hair for almost two weeks but finding two solid hours to get 'er done is ridiculously difficult and if I have two hours at my disposal, I kinda want to do other stuff like blog, read blogs, comment on blogs, or SLEEP.

I'm just wondering if I have to just bite the bullet and schedule hair days like I schedule everything else, and you know what babies think of schedules other than their own!  Either way, I'm not cutting it.  It's super easy to throw it in a ponytail or bun and once I do figure out the hair thing, I'll be glad to have hair to fix!  

Then there's clothes.  I purged my drawers and my closet is next but it's got me wondering.  Can new moms be stylish without it taking hours or tons of accessories?  AND without turning into a yoga-pants-tank-top woman?  To that end, I'm wondering if there are staple clothing items that make you look pulled together without too much effort.  There's got to be more to life than jeans and a tank top!

And then do you get a few quality (read: expensive) pieces and wear those all the time or do you just hit up Target?  I have some Target flip-flops that have lasted six years but they're nearing the end, which is what got me thinking about all this in the first place.  When replacing them, do I go back to Target or spend the money on a really nice pair that'll look more put together simply because they're nicer (read: more expensive.)  Also, can you own just one pair of extremely versatile shoes that go with day jeans and a tank top as well as night jeans and a tank top?  What's the minimum number of shoes that you have to have and what are they?

Is there a good clothing line or store that has versatile clothes that won't fall apart after one washing?  That's why I don't do Forever 21 or Charlotte Russe or those brands.  Yeah, you can get a shirt for ten bucks but it'll pill and look gross after just one wash!

So is it possible?  Can you look put together with minimal effort and what are the keys?  Is there such a thing as mommy/busy woman chic?  

*As I sit here in a cheapie Target dress that's all pill-y and gross, with my fuzzy hair in a bun.  At least I showered!* 

I was glamoured

For the past four days, Drew and I have been glued to the sofa watching True Blood.  I watched all the shows we had on AppleTV and was looking for a new show to get into.  Carolyn suggested True Blood and that's what we've been doing every night after the baby has gone to bed which is why I'm only just now getting around to talking about Drew's first Father's Day and catching up on all my blog-reading.  That's a mess and I blame True Blood and their damn cliffhangers at the end of every episode!  It got to where I would turn to Drew and go "I hate this damn show.  Let's watch another one."  Sunday night we stayed up until two in the morning watching Season 2 and I can't wait until Drew gets back in town so we can load up on Season 3.  Such a mess!


Anyway, Drew's first Father's Day went off without a hitch!  Sofia decided he needed a new wallet and the dog wanted him to have some new workout clothes.  They both got him a card and I think he was pleased!  However, I took pictures with the fancy camera that I don't know how to use and over half the pictures were blurry.  Bad blurry which pisses me off so much.  I thought the fancy camera would cure that but nope, I'm still taking shitty pictures.  One of these days I'm going to learn how to use that stupid camera.

Sofia 'holding' the card she got her Daddy

Like father, like daughter

He went ahead and gave the wallet back to her.

Good Daddy.

I love watching Drew be a dad.  I love it when he holds her - and not because I get to do things like pee or change my clothes when he holds her.  I love the way he looks at her, like he's really trying to figure out what she's thinking and any second she's going to tell him.  I especially love when he dresses her - he even puts a lot of effort into matching her outfits to her diapers!  But my favorite is when they play together - it's when my heart gets all swole up.

Telling stories to both his kids

 We're both new at this parenting thing but there he is so committed to his child.  It hasn't been smooth sailing for him but he has never given up.  When I've asked for help, he's been there and even if he's unsure of what to do, he still tries.  That's major for the guy who has to get it right the first time or he doesn't do it.  I'm so proud of how far he's come in this short time and I feel so lucky that I get to witness the growth of their relationship.  

You're a good man, babe and you're doing a great job.  I love you!