In my last post, I was bragging all over the place at how my daughter had nearly mastered the whole potty training thing. Then, this weekend we went to a birthday party at a friend's house and it was regression all over the place. The next day was no better - we went through so many changes of clothes even I began to get discouraged. I thought we had this; I thought I was going to get to put a checkmark in the 'win' box.
But the shine had worn off; the novelty of going to the potty was officially over and things were as they had been before, except a lot more accident clean-ups because everything I read said how horrible it was to go back and forth between diapers and underwear, how I would be confusing her, how she'd never learn. So I dutifully changed her clothes every single time. But I made the mistake of taking it personally; if only I'd followed the rules (whatever they are), if only I'd had a better plan, if only I'd done it (whatever 'it' is) differently, it would have stuck and there would be no accidents. I failed.
There were so many tears today because I so desperately needed a win. I needed to do something right. I needed to be a good mom and I hung that need on potty training. Such a huge mistake, but I just couldn't help it.
And here's where I get stupid because I can't see the keyboard through my tears.
She comforted me. It's not supposed to be that way. "Mommy why you crying? It's ok." She kissed me on my cheek and I felt even worse, even more of a failure. I apologized to her; she laid in bed and hugged me and stroked my cheek. Where did she even learn to do that?
I'm alone too much. I can't do everything, and I know I'm approaching the edge when I get mad at people on Facebook and Instagram. "How are you having a girls night out? Who's watching your kids?!?!" It's probably a babysitter or a husband or family - I have none of those things. I mean, I have a husband. Technically, but he's gone so much. I could get a babysitter but I have such paralyzing anxiety that I can't trust a stranger with my child. The stakes are too high. Your kid only has to get hurt once for their lives to be ruined. And for what? Even if I got a babysitter, where would I go? What would I do?
I read something once about this concept of people living their lives at you. Like, they're shoving their perfection down your throat when all they're doing is just living and most likely they don't even know you exist. That's how I feel - how dare you have your potty-trained child at me? How dare you post about your evening out with your friends at me? Don't you know I'm alone 90% of the time? Don't parade your perfect family at me like that.
And then I know I'm crazy and I need to step away from the computer.
But I turn away from the computer and turn towards an empty house, an empty bed; another day where everything is on my shoulders. It's another day where I feel like I haven't done anything right and I'm surely destroying my daughter's future because of it.
I know people say Oh it's just one day where she watches a ton of tv, it'll be all right. But it's not; it's a lot of days. Because no matter how hard I try, I can't entertain her every waking hour. I try so hard and I feel like I fail so hard.
Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing a great job. Really? How do you know? How does anyone know? The only way to tell that you're doing a good job raising your kids is when they're old and gray and haven't done anything bad with their life. Even then, you can't take complete credit for that, because they're their own people and whether or not they do good with their life is up to them. So you just end up doing this, day in and day out, not knowing how it's going to turn out, getting no feedback from the one who matters the most. I need her to tell me that she's going to do good things with her life because I taught her. I need her to promise me that she'll make good choices because of the effort that I put in raising her. That's what I need and it'll never happen because it can't happen because it doesn't work that way.
My God, I'm about to have two.
This is just a hard day at work. This too, shall pass. She will give up diapers with no help from me; she'll do it when she's really ready. I won't feel personally offended when other people have lives and live them when I can't. One day I'll get to have a life too. One day I'll get to do things for myself and I won't feel guilt or anxiety. Maybe.
After a good night's sleep, maybe I will take these things in stride. I will see these things as minor setbacks and not utter parenting failures. I really hope so.
I'm making no sense and against my better judgement, I'm posting this. I need to.
I hung too much on this accomplishment that wasn't mine; this wasn't my milestone to reach and I took credit for it prematurely because I needed something tangible to show that my efforts weren't in vain. I needed something to point to and say See? What I do is important! The time I spend matters because look what I helped to do! And when it didn't work, I was crushed. I desperately needed to do something right and this was that thing.
I know I'm not alone. I know I'm not the first to feel this way and that's probably really why I'm putting this out there. I need perspective. I need to know that this indeed is just a hard day at work. Just one day. That the other side exists and we'll make it there.
Hang in there Momma. Sending you love and hugs........(and complete understanding, because even though my daughter is 17, well, I still have my "I'm a failure as a Mother" days. So your not alone, even when it may feel like it)
ReplyDeleteOk, so in all honesty, I read your potty-training post and felt that "at" me thing... that I stink as a mama 'cause my kid might be able to finally pee regularly in the potty after a long lead-up to it, but poo-poo? We still do pull-ups for that. Always. I was jealous that it came to S so quickly and easily.
ReplyDeleteAnd so now I feel bad that you are feeling bad. Kinda like maybe I jinxed you 'cause I was jealous. I'm sorry!
I don't know how you do it. I admire your inner strength so much. I know that I couldn't be the primary care-giver for my daughter. And, no age-mates around for you? That shit is hard.
If it makes you feel any better, my daughter's daycare teachers have been brainstorming ways to get M to poop in the potty for about 6 months now. These people are professionals. Masters degrees in child development. But you know what? My kid still insists on pooping in a pull-up. She tells us that she'll poop in the potty one of these days, when she's ready. Really. She says that.
Put your kid back in a pull up and reward her for keeping that pull-up dry. That's my advice. M&Ms worked wonders on that front in my house -- pee in the potty and get an M&M. I hate cleaning up pee accidents. And I really hate cleaning up poo-poo accidents in undies. I'd much rather change a pull-up with poo-poo. I even used to ploop the pull-up poo-poo into the toilet so that we could talk about how that's where poo-poo goes (following the teacher's instructions), but it totally sucked to have to clean up poo from a standing-child's bum. Super icky for some reason. One day, my daughter asked me if we could just clean up on the changing table instead. So that's what we do now. She was right. She knows big kids poop in the toilet. And she knows that one of these days she'll do it too. But for right now, she wants to poop in the pull-up. That feels right to her. And so, that's what we do. If I were you, I'd spare yourself the agony and just let her go slow. What's the rush? Pull-ups rock.
(and a friend of mine said that her daughter reverted back to diapers when her second daughter was born... so you may get that experience too...)
hugs to you. hang in there -- you are doing a great job! did you catch what amazing empathy you've taught your little girl? THAT's totally cool.
This was really brave of you to post! There's a lot going on here.
ReplyDelete"Don't be so hard on yourself, you're doing a great job. Really? How do you know?" I know because you care. That's how I know. I know because you try. I know because you're interested and invested in Sophia. I know because you're thinking about her and you're always trying to do better. That's how I know. How do I know my mom didn't do a great job? Because she lost interest. Somewhere in our young years (5? 6?), my mom lost interest. My dad has told that to me, and somewhere in my heart I knew that to be true.
"But I made the mistake of taking it personally; if only I'd followed the rules (whatever they are), if only I'd had a better plan, if only I'd done it (whatever 'it' is) differently, it would have stuck and there would be no accidents. I failed." But see, you didn't fail. Our children grow up to be who they are IN SPITE of us, not because of us. Can we do things to try to lead our children in the direction we hope they'll go? Absolutely. But children become who they are and reach the milestones they do in spite of us, because as parents we can't seem to help but bumble along and get in the way. I mean, are you and I not some of the best examples of kids who grow up IN SPITE of our parents? I realize I'm overgeneralizing, but really, I think this is the heart of it.
"She kissed me on my cheek and I felt even worse, even more of a failure. I apologized to her; she laid in bed and hugged me and stroked my cheek. Where did she even learn to do that?" YOU!!! She learned this from YOU!!! This is called empathy, and oh my god, if this isn't something that I try to demonstrate on a daily basis and is my number one goal for my son. In your despair of Sophia regressing on the potty training, you're not seeing that you're succeeding in much more important ways as a mom (which, when you're hormonal, is totally normal and something I do on a regular basis! whee!).
"Because no matter how hard I try, I can't entertain her every waking hour. I try so hard and I feel like I fail so hard." This is where I'm at right now. I can't handle my son's ridiculous amounts of energy 100% of the time. So some days he will watch shows for a few hours (gasp!), and other days he doesn't watch at all. When my husband is gone, my son watches a LOT of shows. I just...I just can't do it all. And the ironic thing is, no one can do it all. Anyone who says differently is selling something. As moms, we all have a give and take, areas where we can't budge and areas that are fluid. I can't live in a dirty house. I just can't. My stress levels are so high when the house is a mess. So if I have to have my son sit and watch TV while I clean, then so be it. Other moms can deal with the mess. But I do things they can't/won't do, so in the end it all evens out.
Yeah, you'll probably have better perspective after a good night's sleep. But these thoughts will still linger in the back of your mind. Parenting is the hardest thing I've ever done, and I'm desperate to get it right. So I beat myself up when I don't get things right, with the perverse idea that 'the (self) beatings will continue until morale improves.'
You're totally rocking being a mom. How do I know? Because you care, you try, and you're always thinking about it. Those are the qualities of a kick-ass mom, even if she's not on top of her game 24 hours a day.
Oh no- now it's my turn to say we've been there and yes, you will come out on the other side. It IS hard to be with other toddlers who picked it up so easily and it is hard to be alone on late nights at work. That is a very interesting concept of living life "at". I need to remember that too!
ReplyDeletePotty training has been slow and I think a lot of times I also think "come on, do it for mommy!" But with biological and psychological things like this, it's useless. She held in #2 for so long that last night I said "I actually don't remember the last time she pooped". Then I had her in the warm bath and all of a sudden, she jumped out to go do it in the potty. Just as I was mentally preparing for a constipation Dr visit. Totally out of my control.
The baby Bjorn potty has worked well for us. I think you have a seat on your toilet, right? Maybe a potty you can move to any room and she can dump in would help?? I'm worried about transitioning to the toilet though and anticipating starting over:(
I can tell that your post was therapeutic and hopefully reading it back, you can recognize how human you are and how much you do make sense. Sofia is doing just fine and you did that.
Maybe it's time to investigate and find a fabulous college student looking for some babysitting hours who can give you some relief and that girls night!
you ARE doing a great job, because you are crying over your daughter losing interest in potty training. That right there shows you care. You care that she watches "too much" tv. You care about it all, all the time. It sounds like you could really use some time out, could you get to know someone that does babysitting and maybe go out to a movie or something once Sophia is in bed asleep. That way you know she's safe, and you can be gone for a short time. Even to a coffee shop or something thats open late and sit and have a tea or drink and read a magazine. Go to a night time yoga class maybe? Actually i could really take my own advice. I have 4 kids from 18 months to 8 years of age and i feel like i'm always stuffing this parenting job up. I notice that when i am not taking time for myself, that i am not the best version of myself, and therefore not parenting at my best. It really is important to look after yourself, particularly when you are the one doing it all- if the captain goes down, the whole thing falls in a heap!
ReplyDeleteYou are doing such a great job- hang in there, everyone has a bad day now and then. Make sure you get some you time in there somewhere- even if it's just to leave the house (with sophia even) to get coffee/lunch/etc. Sometimes just getting out of the house is a relief, a break from the normal day to day. I know how you feel about leaving her with someone, and I'm in a similar boat (we have zero family nearby) but make sure you try to get some alone time at some point, just for your sanity! hugs to you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone. I know exactly how you feel about doing it all by yourself. And I know exactly how you feel about people living their lives at you. Ugh do I ever. Look bottom line is you are an amazing mom who ties her worth and value as a parent directly to milestones and accomplishments. And you just have to try and not do that. Your kid can walk and talk and is healthy. She isn't a brat and is warm and nurturing. What month or year she dumps poop into a toilet is totally irrelevant to how good of a mom you are. Last time I checked we all got potty trained and the person next to me who did it faster is no more successful in life than me. Now go take a nap with Sofia and when she wakes up spend some money on something you really want! Love you.
ReplyDelete*hugs* I'm sorry you're so frustrated. And like everyone else has said, you're not alone at all. I just left a meeting with my son's math teacher in which she explained to me that Michael completely lacks intrinsic motivation and I need to think of some strategies to help him be more motivated to stay focused in school. He can't sit still. He's uninterested and bored. Easily distracted. I'm a former teacher. The first thing I think is how dare he act like this in school... he knows I don't tolerate this!! But my mom talked me off the very same ledge you're on. He's 11. He chooses his behavior, and it's not my fault and I shouldn't take it personally... but it's hard. So as you're learning with Sofia, I'm learning with Michael, just as a different phase in his life. I know it gets easier. You're an amazing mommy.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for brightening up my mommy mode on my blog yesterday... I saw it this morning and it was very much needed and appreciated.
ReplyDeleteNow is my turn for you-
First off, we are both feeling the same kind of way and I know our pregnancies have something to do with this. Right now, we're exhausted carrying one inside while other is out here wrecking havoc.
Try this- measure your parenting success by your child's smiles. I only got to experience for one week what you experience way more often and I was ready to bang my head into a wall!!!
Seriously, give yourself some credit. Why do you think you are so hard on yourself? I'm going to recommend this book to you that my aunt has been practically throwing at me to try- "Giving the Love the Heals- A Guide for Parents." It talks about things that happened in our own childhood and gives us tips to heal in order to be better parents to our kids...
And I know you say, "read, TUH, who has time for that?" So do what I did- sign up for a free trial of audiobooks, you get one free book, and then cancel that mug if you want (if you are cheap like me), when that 30 days is up! (Listen to your Audiobook while she is watching an episode or 2 or 4 of her shows and you are cleaning!)
Give Desiree some credit! We see the pics. We know your girl is a happy, healthy girl. She is full of smiles and isn't that what this age is all about? They learn things when they get good and ready.
Zoe surprised me Sunday- you know what she did? She was looking at a puzzle book and pointed at this animal and said, "Ele-phant." I know I didn't teach her that.... I asked my husband, if he did, and he said, "No! I showed her before but we haven't been going over it." I don't know where she got it but kids learn and pick up things when they feel like it. She's starting to put sentences together and I don't know how she picked that up because we haven't been doing flashcards or anything of the like.... she just learned.
Yesterday after work, when we got home, she asked me to turn on Gabba. I did and returned to veg on the couch for a bit. I found Zoe a little while later, on our bed.... laying on our pillow with her doll, enjoying a show of Yo Gabba Gabba in our bed, and suddenly it clicked, maybe she wanted to veg out too. (This happens just about every day.)
I say this to say- your beautiful girl is learning and you are doing a beautiful job. This mommy thing is CRAZY and our crazy selves (you and me) have the nerve to be pregnant while mothering 2 year olds. :) Again, if they are smiling, we are doing good. We got this!!!
I agree with Latoya (^) Both of my kids like to veg out. I also make time to get them moving and active. Yes, TV is a part of our lives. Unless you’re a no-TV household, it’s very hard to avoid that. Personally, I don’t think the problem is 2yos who watch TV. I think the problem is children who want to do nothing else BUT watch TV. I bet if you offered Sofia to go outside or ride on your bike, or read a book with mommy, she’d choose that every time. No you don’t have to wait for your kid to be old and gray to declare success. The success is looking at that sweet face as she lay quietly sleeping every night. The success is the sound of her first faint words in the morning, or that bed-haired half-smile she gives you as she tries to wake herself up. She’s healthy, she’s happy, she loves life, she loves her momma, she eats home-made snacks, and she enjoys her day as a LOVED CHILD. A child of God who only knows at this point in her life how to love and how to be mad about not getting a cookie (a little self-projection there….. um sorry) Anyways, let me tell you, as a mom who spent her youngest son’s first couple of months in the NICU, I appreciate every second. Nope, my just turned 2yo is not even close to being potty-trained. He doesn’t sleep by himself either. I plead the 5th about milk in that plastic cup type thingy with a round silicone tip that some folks like to call a “bottle”. But he gives the best hugs and kisses, he tattles on his brother, he likes to sneak chocolate chips out of the pantry, he broke my laptop, he wants to sit on my lap while I pee…. and I try to thank God for every moment of it. Sofia will never ever ever be a 2yo again with her cute little uggs and her soiled big girl undies (btw, after toddlerhood, there’s bedwetting… but I digress)…. There is no finish line, mama. After she masters the potty, you’ll wake up in the sweats because she doesn’t know all her “sight words”… The cycle continues. The journey IS the blessing. Now go have some wine…. (I don’t actually care what time you read this… alcohol is always appropriate unless you’re an alky) Oh and Facebook is the devil. Facebook is just the “look at me show you all the great things that I want you to know about me and none of the negative stuff” book.
ReplyDeleteAhem.... excuse me please. I have mommy-brain and totally wrote the part about wine KNOWING that you are preggers. So please forgive me... and put the wine suggestion on hold for about a year. I promise I had more brain cells before I started pushing them out in placentas. geesh.
DeleteDes -
ReplyDeleteFirst, I'm sorry you are having a hard time. But I'd like to point one thing out. You wrote:
She comforted me. It's not supposed to be that way. "Mommy why you crying? It's ok." She kissed me on my cheek and I felt even worse, even more of a failure. I apologized to her; she laid in bed and hugged me and stroked my cheek. Where did she even learn to do that?
Where did she learn to do that? YOU my dear!! You are teaching her empathy, and kindness, and love. Look, the potty training might happen really soon or it might take a while yet. Ultimately, you aren't going to send her to kindergarten in diapers. I'm sure it sucks and its frustrating and thats partly why I haven't started it yet myself with my daughter. But there is ALWAYS going to be some new skill/milestone that you are going to be working on. And all that stuff matters and will get checked off. But its the in between stuff that really matters in my opinion. From what you describe, Sofia is a joyful child. And she learns that FROM YOU. That's how you know you're "doing it right". That's how you know you aren't failing. Its the little things that show you your biggest victories. Hang in there mama.
So many great comments above. I agree with them all. :) Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you! Hang in there, work on finding someone you trust to watch Sophia, and make a new girlfriend to go to the movies with. ((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteDitto what was said earlier, we can tell that you are doing a great job because you care, you try, and you're always thinking about it. Try not to take Sofia's "setbacks" so personally (I need to take that advice as well).
ReplyDeleteI would totally recommend finding a way to get some Desiree time alone, even if you get the sitter after she's in bed, as someone suggested.
Hang in there lady!
So I was trying to think of this perfect comment to write to make you feel better... But the ladies who already commented did so well that I would just be copying them! You are an amazing mom. The fact that you're this upset proves it. Sofia and baby #2 are so lucky to have a mommy like you! Love you friend!
ReplyDeleteI just came across this post and your blog by chance just now, and this post resonates with me so deeply that I read it twice. I needed to read this today. I get it. Or, at least, I think I do.
ReplyDeleteMy son is just over 10 months old, so I probably don't know the half of it. But there have been so many instances in that past year in which I have felt that I am doing it all wrong. There are occasions where I feel selfish for having chosen to be a stay at home mom because surely someone else out there can do a better job than I can most days.
But, I have found that I almost always feel my lowest when I stumble upon what seems to be evidence of someone else showing how much better of a job they are doing at a parent "at" me. I know it's silly to think this, I KNOW it, and yet I can't help it. I know that these women have no clue that someone is out there making inferences about how awesome they are as a parent based on board or blog posts or social media status updates -- and sometimes that can feel like an affront, too. And yet, by virtue of the fact that I also participate in social media, I have to assume that there are likely to be people out there who think I am doing XYZ at them, too. It is such a vicious cycle.
But reading this, and identifying with what you've written, and feeling the urge to tell you, someone I do not know, "You sound like an awesome mom to me!" is like the reminder that I need to look at the woman in the mirror and say that to her sometimes, too.
And you really do sound like an awesome mom to me.
As I prepare to enter motherhood and struggle with these same issues my friend suggested this to me: don't worry about being a "good mother" just focus on being a "good enough mother". I find that comforting. I'll let you know how that goes when I'm actually a "mother" at all. Hugs to you!
ReplyDelete