The real finish line

Everybody do the Cabbage Patch with me now - our stuff is getting delivered next Thursday!

GIFSoup

Moving is NOT a walk in the park, no matter if you do it yourself, if you have movers, if you have to move straight into your house, if you have temp housing, if you have to stay with friends or family - it all sucks.

Even though living in the apartment is much better than being stuffed into a teeny hotel, it's still not ideal.  For one thing, I was only able to bring one suitcase of my things and the baby's.  That means for the past six weeks I have been rotating through two pairs of jeans, two dresses, three pairs of shorts, and a small handful of shirts.  I think five.  It's not the worst thing in the world, but it sure *feels* like I'm wearing the same outfit every single day.

And cooking!  Y'all know I have a cooking handicap and the kitchen is stocked with the bare minimum - I'm talking a small and a medium fry pan, a small and medium saucepan and a large pot for boiling water.  To someone who can cook with ease, this isn't a big deal, but for me it's anxiety-producing because now, not only do I have to look up recipes that don't have fancy spices or crazy obscure ingredients, I also have to find recipes that don't require fancy cookware.  Food processors are out.  Cheese graters - nope.  Cookie sheets - don't got it.  Crock pot - nuh uh.  Baking dish - nyet.  You get the idea.  If we don't eat out, we eat lots of grilled chicken and sauteed vegetables.  There goes my whole Holly Homemaker plan to have awesome home cooked meals for my foodie husband.  I was going to pack his lunch every day and I've done it exactly once because the anxiety over not having all the cooking utensils was too much.  My poor hubby.

I also thought that the second I got here that things would be different - namely, that I wouldn't have to be a single parent anymore.  But with Drew doing a lot of work on the house himself, he's going there after his day job and not getting home until like ten at night, so I'm still on my own.  It's been hard and those days when Sofia is testing me, it's even harder to know that Drew is less than ten minutes away.

However, it's all coming to a close!  We have less than two weeks in the apartment and then we'll be home!  Then, for real and for serious, we will be at the finish line and I can hardly wait.

But there are things to do before that happens.  Wanna see what they've been up to?

The kitchen doesn't *quite* look like this anymore.

Step one was to take off all the cabinet doors and rip out the soffit 

so they could raise the cabinets.

Raising the cabinets makes the kitchen look so much bigger!

And that stainless farmhouse sink is everything to me.  

That sink is the business!

However, since we raised the cabinets, that meant removing the backsplash and getting a new one, so we went to Home Depot to check out what they had.

Even though Drew and I have similar taste, we still don't perfectly agree on everything and he was showing me some crazy-ass tile options that I quickly vetoed.  I wish I had pictures of what he was looking at, but just imagine iridescent mixed with rocks dyed purple mixed with steel in crazy shapes.  He showed me and I was like, Glass tile, nothing else and get away from me with that disco shit.

So glass tile it became!

The above picture represents our choices.  I had wanted soapstone countertops but Drew had heard good things about Silestone so we decided to go that route.  The big countertop is the Lyra, the only marbly-looking one that I liked.  The small tile is the Gray Expo, the one we ended up choosing.  In the end, I got nervous that the Lyra would look too busy and the last thing I wanted was a busy kitchen.

But I was seriously conflicted over the tiles!  More than anything, I didn't want any element of the kitchen to smack me in the face.  I didn't want a backsplash screaming at me (*coughIridescentcough*) and I didn't want countertops that were all marbly and veiny, looking like outerspace.

To you, this may be gorgeous and that's A-OK.  

It just looks like a busy galaxy and that's just not my thing.

And PS, if you have these countertops and you ever have me over, 

I promise I won't say anything about them.  

I won't even think anything in my head about them.  Swear.

But back to the tile.  We were in the kitchen showroom for-ev-er and let me tell you, that's a mighty long time when you have a toddler who just wants to run.  Trying to talk out the pros and cons and take pictures and look at options while trying to wrangle a pissed-off toddler was the worst.  The next morning I mentioned to Drew that I might be ok talking about having another kid in a few months and he quickly was like, "After last night, I wanted to get f*cking snipped."  Welcome to my world, babe.  Welcome to my world.  But we talked out the options, we took pictures and we wrangled the toddler.

For the time being, we're going to leave the cabinets stained but we 

might want to paint them white later.  So whichever backsplash we chose 

would need to go with stained or white cabinets.

As much as I loved the simple clear glass tile, Drew thought it might look 

too washed out with white cabinets and stainless appliances.  

I thought it looked clean and calm, which is what I need in a kitchen.

We looked at all options and tried to see our kitchen in them.

We even got a white cabinet door to help us decide.

In the end, we went with the greeny-gray tiles and I'm really happy with them.  They came to template the countertops today and once that goes down, then they can do the backsplash.  I don't think that whole thing will be done by next week but the appliances are in and we'll have a fully functional kitchen by the time we move in.

Now to pick the paint!

We're leaning toward a lighter greeny-gray for the kitchen and a darker greeny-gray for the dining room and living room.  We might do stripes again on the dining room wall, because you know I love me some stripes!  The plan is to paint this weekend, because it's way easier to paint an empty house.  

I'm so happy things are coming together and I'm beyond happy to be reunited with my stuff!  I've been trying my hardest to be all yoga and zen and not be attached to material things, but I've failed miserably.  I want my nail polish, I want my shoes, I want my hair stuff, I want our three different kinds of spatulas!  I want to be more of a minimalist, but not this much and this drastic. One can survive on less, but it's not fun and when all you want in the world is to fix your chipping toenail polish but you don't have your stuff it's enough to make you go nuts!  I can't stand chipped polish.

But it's allll coming to an end and finally finally things are going to settle down.  I can hardly wait!  

Is it next Thursday yet?

Mom bag 2.0: The Decision UPDATED

Thankfully, the saga of the mom bag is over.  Or is it? 

 Ok wait, that's totally an ending line and I'm starting with it - that makes no sense.  Let me try again.

I finally flippin chose a bag!  Just in time for me to fall in love with another one!  Is that better?  Probably not, but let's get on with it anyway.

So I bought the Marilyn and I've been carrying it around while I've been trying to make a decision.  There is no doubt that a diaper bag versus a purse has made all the difference in the world for me.  I cannot stop raving about the mommy purse and how much easier it makes my life.  But damn, this bag is shiny!

I think I have a lipstick this color.

I was running errands and it gleams in the sun.  

Even thought the shiny-ness was growing on me each day I carried it, I couldn't stop thinking about the Rachel.  I wasn't sure if I was a shiny diaper bag kind of girl, so to be sure, I had to order it.  You hear that Drew?  I had to do it.  For science.  Or something.  It came yesterday and I had to put it to the test.

Even though this picture is crazy blurry and this post is about my bag, 

would you just look at my kid?  Have you seen a happier baby?

Gah, I love her so much.

Nice and muted, still roomy.  Looking good Rach!

Yes, but I'm pretty too!

I unpacked the Marilyn and transferred it to the Rachel.  It all fit, with no room to spare.

I'm not so confident about its ability to work with two kids.

Not that I'm pregnant or have plans to be anytime soon, but after this I don't think Drew

will be super receptive to any more diaper bag purchases.

And then the deciding factor!

Aside from that picture being your very obvious invitation to the gun show (with the muscles I got from wrestling my kid into her carseat), this illustrates that the Rachel is not a one-handed bag.  Womp womp.  Sorry Rach.

Plus, it looks too much like a pillow when it's packed full.

Never mind the tiny human grabbing my crotch.

So for now, the Marilyn it is.  UNTIL......

One of my dear readers emailed me and changed my life.  Michelle introduced me to the marvel, the wonder, the HOTNESS that is MZ Wallace.  I give you, Kate.

Love at first sight.

It's not brown or leather, but it is so me.  The moment I saw it I knew that if I carried that bag I would be the baddest bitch, I mean, mommy in town.

But go on and click that link and choke on the price like I did.  There is no way on God's green Earth that Drew would ever IN LIFE be okay with footing that kind of bill for a handbag.  EVER.  Just so we're clear.

This is why I'm trolling Ebay as we speak.  I've put my original mom bag up for sale on Ebay and Craigslist and I'm looking into selling my blood, just as soon as someone can get it without needles.  Is there a market for fingernail clippings?  How about hairballs?  I'm desperate people - I NEED that bag.

So if you see ads on my blog in the next few days or weeks, just know your girl is on a fund-raising mission.  

Hang on Kate - I'm coming for you!

Update:  Mere seconds after I hit publish I got an all-caps email:   blah blah blah NO 400 DOLLAR BAG blah blah blah GEEZ WOMAN blah blah blah WE JUST BOUGHT A HOUSE blah blah blah I DON'T WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.  ALSO, I LIKE TO KICK PUPPIES.

I'm not sure about the last part.  I zoned out because I was wondering if people will pay for eyebrow pluckings.  And yes, that's a word.  I just made it up.

Run Sofia Run

I know it's time to write when I narrate blog posts in my head and I can't stop.  That's my sign that my brain is filling up and it's time to empty.  The problem is that my brain is full of crap stuff, stuff that's not fun to write about, stuff that I'm trying to wish away and it's still here.  So I have no choice but to get it out, in all it's ugly-crying glory.  That's the other sign my brain is full - I cry over anything and everything.  The baby is sleeping right now and it's so reckless to be sitting at my computer when there are so many other things I should be doing with this time, but I literally can't stop talking to myself - in my head.  I'm not the mumbling crazy lady - yet.

........


Have you ever seen a toddler run?  I mean, really seen them?  Poetry in motion - that's what I think when I see her run.  Sofia started walking a couple of days before her first birthday and she started running a couple of days after that.  Every time I look at her go, I shake my head in wonder that she's only been doing this for four months.  The speed at which she acquires new skills is so breathtaking and I'm so incredibly blessed to get a front-row seat to it all.

And she's so flippin smart.  She knows how to open my phone, launch her apps, and yes even lock it.  I've had to go to the Apple store more times than I care to because 'it just stopped working.'  I don't want them to judge me for letting my kid play with my phone.

 But back to the running.  Those tiny legs.  Those little arms swinging back and forth.  And her face - oh my god, her face.  The joy.  The wonder at this new skill and the determination to keep going, no matter what.  To see her run is a thing of beauty and I love to watch my little girl go.

I snapped this blurry picture yesterday because she's just so cute when she runs.

Except when reality crashes in on our idyllic little world.  This is a new skill for her and she wants to practice that skill whenever she can, and I do mean every chance she gets.  Do you know what apartment living is like for someone who needs to run?  How about riding in a stroller or carseat?  And God forbid a shopping cart.

She screams like she's going to the electric chair - every time.  EVERY TIME.  It has become a battle and that beautiful poetic determination is just soul-crushing when I'm trying to strap her in. We have many a conversation about it - I beg, she screams.  It's so draining.

Sofia baby please, please let Mommy put you in your carseat.  I'm trying to take you to the park so you can run and play, don't you want that?  You can't be in the car if you're not in your seat.  Look, don't you want your snack?  It's just a couple of minutes, I promise and then you can be free.  I promise, please.

She does the stiff-body move and I stop.  I don't fight her;  I take a deep breath because I get it.  If you suddenly grew wings, the last thing in the world you would want is to be caged.  I understand.  But that doesn't mean that I don't have to go to the grocery store, and oh holy shit, buckling her in?  I might as well have the buckle around her neck for the fit she throws!  So then I try the I Acknowledge You But You Will Follow The Rules method.  I can't ignore her because she will undo the buckle, because she's too smart for her own good, and stand up in the cart.  And that's totally safe.

Sofia baby, I get it.  But you have to stay seated.  You will fall out and hurt yourself and I can't have that.  Sit Down.  Sit Down.  Sit Down.  

And that determination?  That beautiful poetic determination?  Makes that little kid strong.  She goes stiff and I find myself using real live actual arm muscles trying to get that kid to bend enough to sit in the cart.  A couple of times I've actually broken a sweat!

We struggle for the rest of the time we're in the grocery store, or Target, or Babies R Us, or Home Depot, or Bed Bath and Beyond, or anywhere else the poor kid can't just run.  Then we go out to the car for our 15-minute carseat battle.  It makes me not want to go anywhere, except we live in an apartment.  And the child needs to run.  

Never mind the giant annoying dog that has the exact same problem.  We had a doggie door at the old house and she could come and go as she pleased.  All of a sudden, the only outside time is on a tight leash and that's so not cool.  So the dog is insane, humping everything in sight because she too needs to run and doesn't know what to do with herself.

I feel so bad for them both.  I get it but there's not a lot I can do about it.  

And that's only one small issue in my world.  I'm working up to the rest, but this would be the longest post in the history of ever, so I'm breaking it up.  

So yeah,  we gots the cabin fever over here.  BAD.

The $20,000 refrigerator

The mom bag saga is on temporarily on hold because I'm still on the fence, but I'm making a decision this week if it kills me!  But I have exciting news!

We're bustin' up the house!

That's right!  We closed last Friday and we officially own a home in Pennsylvania.  It's exhilarating and I can't wait to finally live there.  The apartment is amazing but I just want to be in our house already!  But now that we have the keys, the fun stuff can start.  So let me tell you about our $20,000 fridge.  

Remember the kitchen?

 It's not the worst, just not our style.

Now have a look at that fridge.

That's a standard issue, regular ol', run o' the mill fridge.  When it comes to kitchens and appliances, standard issue-regular ol'-run o' the mill does NOT work for my food/wine snob husband.  With him traveling less and being home more, the kitchen MUST be up to his exacting standards.

I'm not exaggerating when I tell you that he was up night after night after NIGHT researching and comparing and reading reviews on every fridge under the sun.  We both we knew we wanted all stainless appliances but that's where it stopped for me.  My only requirement beyond that is that it hold food and keep things cold.  Cubic feet, door style, stainless finishes (which ps, did you know there's like a billion different kinds of stainless?), all went over my head and I zoned out every time he talked about it.

The problem is that the hole for the fridge is too tiny for the fridge that Drew wanted.  With a wall on one side and cabinets on the other, that became a bigger issue overnight.  Then he started talking about knocking down walls to make room for it, flip-flopping cabinets, raising the cabinets, all of which was going to cost money.

THEN came the range.  It's electric which in Drew's eyes, is an abomination before the Food Gods.  

So with the stainless fridge came the matching stainless gas range.  Well, you can't leave out the dishwasher, so that got added to the pile.  Then we needed a microwave/range hood combo.  Add the garbage disposal, and we have a fully stocked kitchen.

Then we were like, wellll........

And that's when this happened.

See, what had had happened was....

On the fridge side of the kitchen, the desk wasn't actually high enough for a regular chair to fit so we were going to have to raise that portion of the cabinet.  That would require knocking out the soffit above the cabinets, which wasn't a big deal because I didn't like it anyway.  But THEN they started talking about raising all the cabinets, which would require more backsplash. Well, we weren't going to buy more of a backsplash we didn't care for, so we got a new one.  THEN, since we're doing the backsplash, we MIGHT AS WELL replace the sink with one we really like, which would mean replacing the countertops.  MIGHT AS WELL.

THEN the microwave/range hood combo wasn't going to have enough clearance, so the cabinets above the range would have to go anyway, and since you knocked out the soffit on one side you have to do the same to the other.  AND since you're raising the cabinets on one side, you gotta do the same because we must have symmetry.

Drew's co-worker's husband is a contractor so the two of them are going to do most of the work themselves, which will save us a ton of money, which means more money for curtains, artwork, new bedsheets, you know, all the things that really matter.

The appliances get delivered tomorrow and I think Drew should have most of the demo done within a couple of days.  Since Friday, he's been at the house every spare moment getting everything ready.  I am a smidge jealous that he's been getting to do all the fun knocking-down-walls stuff, but I got to do a little demo of my own.  Observe.

I'm so HGTV from Desiree on Vimeo.

It is much harder to swing a hammer than I thought.

The Mom bag 2.0

Alternate title:  Ask Your Blog Friends About Handbags Because Your Husband Doesn't Give A Crap.

You guys.  This is serious.  My mom bag isn't working anymore and I'm heartbroken.  One, because it took for-freakin-EVER to find a bag I liked.  Two, because I've found a couple of bags but I can't decide which one to use, and I'm totally second-guessing myself and wondering if I should just keep my old bag, if the new bags will be an improvement, or if I should keep on looking.  HALP!

Y'all ready for some crappy pictures of handbags?  All righty then!  

Exhibit A

I must have been in denial when I got this bag.  I must have been giddy that an Ebay purchase worked out, that it was real leather and that it was BIG.  Because I completely missed that this is a two-handed bag.  Meaning, it takes two hands to put it on because the arm hole part is too small to pick it up with one hand and sling it over your shoulder.  That's what I was illustrating in the above picture.  When I'm grabbing things and trying to run out the door when I'm late for something (which I always am) it's a pain in my ass to have to grab the bag with one hand and guide it up to my shoulder.  It's a small thing but it matters.

Additionally, once it's on my shoulder, it's hard to get inside the bag.  The arm hole is so small the bag sits right underneath my armpit.  I actually like this in a handbag but when I have the baby on my hip and I'm trying to dig for something, it's a pain in my ass to have to shimmy one handle off, dig for my phone, keys, etc and then try and shimmy my arm back through the armhole.  Most times I just leave the one handle off my shoulder and risk things falling out of my bag.  

Which brings me to my next point.  It's BIG.  I love that it's big because I can carry everything I need.  I hate being caught without something and thanks to my BIG bag, I'm never without whatever I need.  

But I can't ever FIND it!  Again, it had to be the denial because either my bag turned into a black hole of junk or it always was and I'm just now seeing it.  Either way, it's a pain in my ass to have to dig through my purse every flippin time I need my keys, lipgloss, or phone, one handed with a busy toddler on my hip.

Plus, the zippers on the outside are purely for decoration.  Because the bag is so awesomely slouchy, it's super hard to close the zippers once they're open.  So my brilliant plan to have things easily accessible on the outside of the purse is a big fat FAIL.  I need two hands to close the zippers and that's no bueno.

My point is, this is purely a pretty bag.  The leather is divine, the size is so chic, and I seriously love the way it looks on me.  When I'm standing still and don't need anything out of it.

So pretty to look at.

Sucks BALLS if you actually want to use it.

So I went on the hunt.  I am hugely against diaper bags that look like diaper bags, so that eliminated a ton right off the bat.  However, I need an actual diaper bag; otherwise, I'm going to end up in the same boat that I'm in now.  I Googled every diaper bag under the sun, starting with the cheapest ones and steadily climbing the price chain until I found one that didn't make me vomit.

Because this bag hurts my eyes and the zombie monkey thing scares me.

My search brought me to a nifty little site called justdiaperbags.com.  I entered my criteria, sorted by price and scrolled away until I saw it.  The Mom Bag 2.0.

Her name is Marilyn!

It's still brown, still stylish, but it's an actual diaper bag so Sofia's sippy cup can get stored upright and not leak all over the bottom of my bag!  All the interior pockets keep things separate so there's no more digging!  The exterior pockets mean I can grab my phone with ease!  The handle is long enough to grab it one-handed!  And if *maybe* I have another kid possibly maybe one day, it's plenty big enough for two kids' stuff!  And when I'm done with diaper bag usage, it would be a super cute weekender!  Oh the joy!

I quickly Googled for some coupon codes because yeah.  Apparently, zombie monkeys are cheap but an oh so chic diaper bag will cost ya.  But I got 20% off so that's not too shabby. (When I bought mine last week I used shop20.  I *almost* bought another one this week for reasons I'll detail in a sec and the shop20 didn't work.  But signup20 did!  Just in case you too are in the market for a diaper bag.)

I ordered it faster than Drew could say "Go ahead" and soon enough it came!

And that damn thing was YOUGE!

It's like a frickin piece of luggage!  Granted, it's super cute and it meets all the criteria but DAMN GINA!  I love me a big bag but this thing?  It's mighty!  I totally started second guessing my choice, going back to the site and looking at a different bag.

The Rachel is an inch narrower so maybe you don't hit someone with your bag when you turn around, but it's an inch taller than the Marilyn so it's pretty much the same size.

Plus the taupe-y, cement-y, gray-ish color makes me very happy.

However, the thing about Timi and Leslie is they give you lots of extras.  Which, kinda?  They better because you're paying for something that hauls poop.  BUT, I already have a lot of their extras and paying for duplicates seems wasteful.

Every bag comes with all this stuff.  You get a changing pad, which I already have.  A wet bag - I have, although theirs is bigger.  There's an insulated bottle holder, which I don't need, although I could put Sofia's sippy cup in it for extra protection.  The smaller mommy purse is GENIUS, and I seriously don't know why it never occurred to me before.  I don't know how many times I've gone to the grocery store and I've stuffed my keys, wallet and phone in my pockets wishing I had somewhere else to put them.  I literally sat with my mouth open when I saw the mommy purse on the site.  Talk about a DUH!! moment.  But, all Timi and Leslie bags are made of pleather, and while it's good pleather, it's still fake and the mommy purse looks especially cheap.    Besides, I have a little pochette I could use that's way cuter.  The stroller clips are another genius move and while I don't have those, I do have a hook on my stroller that I currently use that gets the job done.

SOOO, I'm paying for all that stuff that I already have because the bag is cool looking.  I decided to see if I could do better and I made a stop at the TJ Maxx this afternoon.

Steve Madden.  40 bucks.

This is an especially crappy picture, but I was like Baaaaabe!

Pleeeease take pictures!  I need to pick a bag!

Two exterior pockets, sits under my armpit but not so close that I can't put it on one-handed.  But it's a purse, not a diaper bag.

Sofia, you pick.

I'm not usually this indecisive and now I know why.

It's really frickin annoying!  I just want a bag that works and looks cute!

Is that so hard?!

My next step is to pack the bags with all the stuff I carry in a given day.  Maybe that will help me make a decision.  However, to keep the gray bag from becoming another black hole I have to get a purse organizer.

I did not know these things existed until last night.  Seriously.

I don't know how or where cloth diapers fit into one of these organizers but anything is better than what I'm working with right now.  Digging through all my crap is officially old and the TJ Maxx purse plus the organizer still comes out way cheaper than the Timi and Leslie, which is why the gray bag is Drew's favorite.  Who's surprised?  No one?  Didn't think so.

So after all those words and all those crappy pictures, I'm asking you.  Do I get an organizer and go with the gray purse?  Do I send the Marilyn back and get the Rachel because it's narrower?  Do I keep the Marilyn?  Do I keep looking?  

Do you have the best diaper bag in the world and you want to tell me all about it?  Yes.  Yes, you do.   

Food hell

Remember all that fabulous, wonderful, healthy, tasty, *free* food we get to have?  Yeah, my kid won't touch any of it and I'm in hell.  I'm at my wit's end and I don't know what to do.

It's no secret that I have issues with food.  I'm hyperaware of it and I really don't want to pass on any of my idiosyncrasies to my daughter.  I don't want her to attach emotion to food, positive or negative because food is a tricky little monster.  You have to have it and it can help you or hurt you.  There's no getting around it and my worst nightmare has come true:  I have a picky eater.

That's totally me, even down to the gray hair.

Which reminds me, I have got to find a stylist here.

Ever since I started feeding Sofia solids, I've been paranoid about it.  What do I feed her?  How much?  How often?  What does she like?  How strict should I be?  What's an acceptable amount?  When should I worry?  And then my head explodes.

We never really did purees, and she's always done well with regular table foods but the pickiness is bringing me to my knees.  The kid eats two bites and throws the rest on the floor!  And you think *my* food issues are bad?  You should see Drew's face when she throws food on the floor because for him, wasting food is right up there with kicking puppies and punching old people.  A couple of nights ago, he gave Sofia a cheese stick and she took one bite of it and gave the rest to the dog.  I thought his head was literally going to explode!

He'll go to all the effort of making a little plate for her, with her meat oh so carefully shredded into bite-size pieces, her veggies just the right temperature, even with the proper presentation!  She will obligingly take a bite of meat - we hold our breath, sneak a smile at each other, our baby is such a good eater!  And then she will oh so politely spit it out, take another handful, throw it on the floor and sign "All done."

It's the only sign we taught her, because throwing food on the floor was pissing us off.

Now she will furiously sign this after two. frickin. bites!

The pediatrician said her weight is fine and not to worry, but yeah right.  The kid barely eats!  She said the most important thing is not to attach any emotion to mealtimes, not to get happy or frustrated over any of it.  This is especially true as she really gets into her toddler years and the power struggles start and her desire for independence and control turn mealtimes into battlegrounds.  That is something I for real don't want so I try to keep my poker face every time we sit down to eat.  

Which is why I'm going to whine on my blog, so I can be cold as ice the next time I feed her.

I nearly lost it this morning.  I seriously wanted to crawl under the table and cry.  Yesterday I fed her mini waffles (multi-grain, organic, hippie blah blah), drizzled with honey (organic, hippie blah blah), fresh blueberries from the farmers market, painstakingly cut into non-chokable pieces, and I don't even think one bite of waffle made it into her stomach.  She took a couple of bites, spit it out, the dog came and ate it and I wanted to cry.  She *may* have eaten ONE f*cking blueberry.  Then it was the furious 'all done' signing.  

This morning she was up and knocking on the refrigerator door (which was actually kind of cute.)  "Cheeese!  Cheeese!"  Because the one thing she'll eat anytime, anyplace is cheese.  The other thing is meat.  I would have zero problems in my life if I let her just eat meat and cheese for the rest of her days.

Sofia's idea of food heaven.

She's sitting on my lap right now and when she saw this picture,

she went "Cheeeeeese!!"

This morning, I gave in and cut up some cheese for her.  I cut up some grapes too because she likes grapes, right?  Ha.  The cheese got gobbled up and the grapes got thrown on the floor.  I felt so defeated.

I don't know what the F to do.  I try to stay calm, but I'm so paranoid about ruining food for her, about her being malnourished, about her being anemic or deficient in some other nutrients, and it'll be all my fault because I don't know how to get her to eat.  I'm not even joking, when she threw those grapes on the floor and I had to get up and go to the bathroom so she wouldn't see me cry.  

*deep breath*

Okay, I've gotten it out.  I have no idea what we're going to have for lunch, but I'm going to be cool as the other side of the pillow.  It's ok if she only has two bites.  It's ok if she only has two bites.  It's ok if she only has two bites.  She doesn't phase me.  I've got this.  I'm the adult here.  The sneaky little terrorist will not win.

Oh wait - no emotion. Let me try again.

Okay, if she eats, she eats.  If she doesn't, no big.  It's cool, it's whatever, I'm breezy.

Who knew I'd be in this place, pep-talking myself to get ready for lunch?  Good LORD.