Hurricane Andrea

I went back and changed the title of the last post because that one wasn't really about the hurricane that was the birth of my youngest daughter.  This one is, so *this* one gets the Hurricane Andrea title.

Okay, kids.  Buckle in.

At this point, most of you that read have children so you'll probably just nod and read.  But for those that read that don't have children?  You have my sincerest apologies, because this might be one of those posts that scares you from having children, ever.  I really don't want it to be that way, because kids are awesome and childbirth is awesome, but if I'm going to be so for real with this little birth story..... well, it's gonna get serious. 

Because this birth wasn't sweet and sacred and happy-place swaying and there was nothing dignified or controlled about it.  It was raw, primal, incredibly intense and very much like being on a roller coaster or a speeding bus and you can't go under 100 miles per hour.  

So let's go.

Now, I told you about my bathroom incident in the last post because evacuating your bowels is a textbook sign that labor has begun.  So I guess you could say I was in labor for 12 hours, but I'm not counting it like that because I didn't have to do any work.  I say labor is work, and when you have to focus and breathe and sway and vocalize - you're in labor.  

Instead, I sat at the computer, googling 'period cramps false labor.'  I wasn't happy with what I found - there were women that said they felt crampy and miserable for weeks.  Oh, F all of that!  I'm not trying to feel like this for weeks!  Listen, body.  You need to come on with it or stop - I'm so serious.  My body straight up laughed at me.  Yeah bitch, like you're the one in control here.  Tell me another one.

That's how it was, an annoying cramp or two all day long but I didn't bother with dignifying them with the contraction timer app because was false labor and if these little cramps decided they want to organize and be something, then maybe I'll get out my phone.

Guys?  PSA?  Don't mess with Mother Nature.  Mother Nature brings you childbirth.  Mother Nature also brings you tsunamis and tornadoes and snowstorms and hurricanes and if she so chooses, she can rain down all that shit at the same time all OVER your body.  Trash talk Mother Nature and she'll rip your ass in two.  Literally.

When we left off, I was sleeping with Sofia in her bed but then I got up because I got crampy and uncomfortable again.  I couldn't lay down so I wandered the house, aimlessly straightening things, sort of cleaning stuff, kinda walking around.  I was acting very unsure about life and when Sofia woke up from her nap a little after 3, I started to notice that the cramps were getting more difficult to ignore.  Maybe these weren't Braxton Hicks after all.  I called my mom to let her know what was going on and she was like Those sound like real contractions Desiree.  You should start timing them.  I told her I would and that I would keep her posted. 

I downloaded the app that morning just in case but I didn't know what I was doing and I would inevitably be away from my phone when they started because I was wandering, so I'd have to run to my phone to start the timer so it's not like they were accurate.

And just like that, one cramp was no big deal and the one right after that was like WHAT NOW BITCH!  It stopped me dead in my tracks and I had to RESPECT.  I still had that unsure, unfocused feeling and I called my girlfriend Aimee.  We'd planned that Sofia would stay with them when I had the baby, and even though I wasn't sure this was real labor I was just feeling like I wanted some female energy around me right then.  I was on the phone with her and my body was like GO TO THE BATHROOM.  I didn't poop this time, but I wiped and it was bloody and mucous-y.  

"Oh my God Aimee I'm in the bathroom and I just wiped and it's bloody.  Holy shit, is this the bloody show?"
"Probably.  That's so great!  I'll grab my bag and we're on our way."
"So wait, does this mean I'm in labor?"
"You sure are my dear!  We're going to have a baby tonight! Have you called Drew?"
"Not yet.  I'll text him now.  See you in a second.  *laugh laugh laugh*  Oh my God how exciting!  Okay!  I'll see you when you get here!  Yay labor!"

I sent Drew a text at 4:30.

Thank God Drew didn't listen to me and he came home right then, because my body was like Oh!  You think this is funny!  You think this some little kiddie ride at the carnival?  Girl, let me let you know somethin'!

I swear on everything that next contraction - because there were no more nice-nice annoying cramps.  That shit went from zero to a hundred with ONE contraction - it brought me DOWN to my knees.  Right there in the bathroom.  I didn't even have time to move; I hit send and promptly dropped my phone and that's how Drew found me when he came home.  He went into high gear, changing his clothes while I started grunting and yelling.

The roller coaster took off and I was hanging on the very last car, on the outside.  I didn't even have time to get in a proper seat, and buckle in for the ride.  I couldn't wait until the next one came.  My body was a magnet and labor was a big ol' piece of steel.  I was coming whether I liked it or not.

I called my cousin.  "HeyIt'sMe.  IThinkI'mHavingTheBabyNow! *drop the phone, bury my face in the bed and grunt yell scream*  "OkayILoveYouCallYouLater!" *GRUNT YELL SCREAM*

Within twenty minutes, Aimee arrived and I had gone from laughing and yay labor to screaming on my hands and knees in various parts of my house.  She and Drew were scrambling around trying to pack my hospital bag because you know what I'd put in it so far?  Nipple cream.

I hadn't packed a bag for Sofia, I hadn't done my hair, I was supposed to get a haircut the next day, I had a mani/pedi the following week, I was not ready.

It was a little after five and I'd timed the contractions but I was sure I wasn't doing it right because the app said they were averaging three minutes apart.  I called the hospital.  "Hi there, I think I'm in labor hang on a second. *scream into the bed* I don't even know if I'm reading this app right, it says they're three minutes apart but I don't even know."  She said she'd page my doctor and when she called me back she basically said to come to the hospital at any time. 

I went with Aimee to Sofia's room to pack her bag and was on the floor, hands and knees, ass in the sky, screaming and in between contractions telling her which clothes to put in Sofia's bag. Okay, her socks are in that top drawwwwerGRUNT.  Take her brown shoesSCREEAM.    Finally, she was like I've got this, why don't you get in the shower.

That didn't sound like a particularly great idea but I knew that water was supposed to help with labor.  Drew helped me get into the shower and it was no small feat because my contractions were hitting me so close together that I could barely stand in between them.  

I made it into the shower and I HATED it.  The shower stream felt like needles on my back, with the exception of one stream of water that hit my backside just right.  That one stream was the only good thing about the shower but I was stuck.  I couldn't do anything but let the water hit me and scream.

Now, it wasn't shrill high-pitched annoying screaming.  This was deep, gutteral, from the pit of my soul screaming, and I couldn't stop.  I tried to focus it, to organize it and make the 'ah' or 'oh' sounds but I couldn't.  This was stretch your mouth wide, pop a blood vessel screaming and there wasn't anything I could do about it.

In the shower, I suddenly realized it didn't have to be this way.  I'd had one drug-free birth, I'm no hero, I can have medication.  I don't have to do this, I don't have to feel this.  And the next contraction, I screamed for the world to hear, "I CHANGED MY MIND, I WANT THE DRUGS!!"  I knew we had to get to the hospital so I could get the drugs and a couple more screaming contractions in the shower and I was ready to get out and get everything pumped straight into my veins.

There was no dignity this time.  There was no control and I screamed out "God NO" a million times.  I was trying to get away from the contractions and there was no place I could go.  There was no happy place in my mind where I could hide.  Over and over again, they found me and each time they did I couldn't do anything but scream.

Drew helped me out of the shower, draping a towel over my back and doing his best to dry me off while I screamed.  He left the bathroom for something and I felt a trickle come down my leg.  "Oh my water broke my water broke!"  He rushed back in, a new sense of urgency to get me dressed and get us the hell out of the house.  I couldn't help him at all; I was on my hands and knees, ass all in his poor face while he tried to put my pants and shirt on.  Somehow he got me dressed and brought Sofia in to kiss me goodbye - between contractions of course.  I am amazed at how well she behaved.  She wasn't fazed by my screaming.  She came in all calm and was like What's happening Mommy?  I told her Baby Sister was coming and that she was going to stay with Aimee and Carter (Aimee's son.  He's Sofia's age and they're best buds.)  She was like Okay, bye Mommy I love you.  And that was that.  

While I was screaming my face off in the shower, Drew called back to the hospital to tell them we were on the way, so everything became about us getting to the car, with me stopping every few steps to kneel and scream.  We stepped out the front door and I knew I wouldn't be able to make it to the car between contractions.  I was right.

About halfway to the car, in the driveway I buckled again, screaming.  There was still snow on the driveway so I squatted instead of kneeling with my forehead on the ground like I had been doing.

Suddenly I felt the unmistakable sensation of a growing balloon between my legs and with a grunt and a pop, my water broke in the driveway, for real this time.  There was no trickle, it was a straight up gush, flowing down the driveway.  "Oh!  My water my water baaabe!"

Drew didn't say anything but the way he hauled me up and practically launched me at the car said everything.  It said WE ARE NOT HAVING THIS BABY IN THE DRIVEWAY.  COME THE HELL ON, I AM GETTING YOU TO THAT HOSPITAL!

Almost immediately, I felt enormous pressure in my butt, such that I couldn't sit on the seat.  I hung from the 'oh shit' handle - I have no idea how it didn't break - and did nothing but scream the whole way to the hospital.  It felt like the contractions were on top of each other.  In reality, they probably weren't but I don't remember feeling able to catch my breath at any time.

Thank God we live near the hospital - those contractions in the car were the absolute worst and hitting potholes in the road was torture, for real.  

We pulled into hospital valet and the look on the guy's face was priceless.  His eyes were like saucers and he sprinted to pull a wheelchair up to my side of the car.  I heard several people rush the car.  Is this a baby?  C'mon hon, here's a chair for you.  But a chair was the most terrible idea in the world.  Sitting?  You can go somewhere else with that.  I couldn't move my legs and I was perched half-in, half-out of the car, unable to do anything but alternate whimpering and screaming.  They got wise real quick and wheeled out a gurney for me to lay on and somehow I made it onto the gurney in my favorite position, hands and knees, ass in the sky, forehead on the ground, screaming my face off.

Ugh, I didn't want to leave you hanging but it's late, this is getting long and I have to take Andrea to the doctor early tomorrow. My eyes are starting to cross with lack of sleep so I have to go.  Please don 't be mad, the rest of the story is good I promise.

I'll be back in just a sec, ok?  I gotta try and get some sleep.