Drifting

The Thanksgiving post and pictures are soon to come but I have to get this off my chest first.


I'm a little sad.  Melancholy, actually.


I'm growing apart from a dear friend of mine - even that word, 'dear.'  There was a time that she was my best friend in the whole wide universe and we were going to grow old together and our children would be best friends and all that. Now she's 'dear?'  I'm kinda sad about that.


And of course, it's not like this has been an overnight thing.  The phone calls became fewer and far between, the chatty emails with the exclamation marks dwindling and when you live in separate states, that's really all you have.  Now, as my life is taking a hard left turn she is now in my rearview mirror through no fault of our own.  It's just life.


Her kids are entering the teen years, my first isn't even born yet.  I'm finding a more kindred spirit in my neighbor who's four houses down that had a baby a couple of weeks ago.  We've already talked about doing things together with our kids since they'll only be a few months apart.  I'm looking to her for tips and advice - not to my friend with the teenager.  And I feel kind of sad about that.


I know it's normal for people's lives to take different turns and people grow apart but somehow I thought it wouldn't happen to us.  Yet, I guess a part of me knew it would.


I was at party for her and saw it happen.  There were other people there, people I vaguely knew and these people were a much bigger part of her life than I could be since they lived in town, next door, around the corner.  These people shared a carpool with her because their kids went to the same school, women she worked out with at the gym, work people she'd known for years.  Yet, the one who got to me the most was a mutual acquaintance.  Well, to me she was an acquaintance - to my friend she'd become very close.  You know what, no - this new girl took my place.  But, it was more fitting.  They both had children around the same age, they both had similar marital situations, they even kind of looked alike.  She was friendly to me, but I definitely felt that it was me that got demoted.  Yet, my friend did her best to bridge the gap.  She was a great hostess and chatted with me and shared pleasantries, yet her big smiles and belly laughs over some inside joke were now shared with the new girl.  Well, new to me.


I sent an email to my friend today and I was shocked at how difficult it was to compose, how hard it was *not* to sound newsy and superficial.  Yet, it had been so long since we spoke there wasn't anything else to write other than How's your family?  How are your kids?  How's your job?  When you don't talk to someone for over a month, the little day to day things that are only relevant in that moment don't stand up in a "conversation."  Those things that you would send in a quick text or those 'you just had to be there' moments are lost.


It's not like she doesn't understand sleepless nights and changing diapers, but come on, when those things happened fourteen years ago, you move on.  Other things occupy your plate, like cheerleading and dating and getting ready to drive for pete's sake.  It's a different life, a different path and we've been drifting for a while now.  


I've been writing on this blog for almost three years now (!) and writing is my thing and it comes easily to me.  When I'm sitting at a keyboard I'm rarely at a loss, but composing that email caused my fingers to stall.  I didn't know what to put, where to start, what to say, how to begin to catch her up with everything that was going on with me.  I thought that once I was finally successfully pregnant, I'd be on the phone with her every five minutes.  I think I've talked to her about the baby once or twice.  I don't even know if she knows it's a girl.  At this point it feels awkward telling her since I've known for so long, so I take the easy way out and say nothing and yet another day passes and we don't communicate.  That's not like me, especially with her.  Yet, here I am.


I know this is life and on some level I knew this would happen sooner or later.  I also know that this other girl is a much better suited friend to her at this stage in all of our lives than I am.


I'm still just a little sad though.