I have started to get uncomfortable. The kicks used to be all hello mommy, I'm alive and here and I love you. Now it's a little more like the comic book POW! THUMP! OOF! And it's only going to get stronger! (I refuse to say worse. I will not refer to anything about my pregnancy progress as worse. With more time, the closer I get to a healthy baby. There's nothing worse about that.) YET, for the first time today sitting in my chair is taking a lot of effort and involves lots of shifting around to accommodate for the sore hips and back and the varicose veins that have decided to be all Hello! We're your varicose veins and we're going to hurt all day! I vainly held off ordering the compression hose even though I knew I was going to need them, and now I'm going to have to pay full price because I missed the sale. I will be ordering them tomorrow.
This all means that I haven't felt like telling stories today. And it's not for lack of stories - we had our office Christmas party on Saturday and I gave Rent the Runway another chance and it worked out! I took some great funny (at least to me) pictures and there were a couple more fun things we did in Key West.
But I can't bring myself to compose the stories, upload the pictures, edit the links and make it interesting. I don't know if you could tell from yesterday's post, but my heart wasn't really in it. And when my heart's not in it, it makes for blah writing. That's the last thing I want - I'm not getting paid to write this blog so there is no reason I should ever phone it in.
Of course, I have the energy to whine though - funny how that works. I still have the compulsion to write, just not the compulsion to tell stories - just for today. I'm sure I can shake it and I'll be back to my old self tomorrow.
Thanks for sticking with me y'all.
Compression hose, guuurrrrlll. I'm not even exactly sure what that does but I felt it warranted a "gurl". 6 months!! Doesn't that sound so full and healthy and...weight-y? Ssssiiixxxx monnnnttthhhs.
ReplyDeleteGem
I don't remember how I found your blog, but I've been following it for a while. I am so happy for you reaching the 6 month mark! You are totally entitled to a day of whining and non-storytelling. Your readers will stick it out, don't worry! :)
ReplyDeleteWow, I didn't realize you were already that far along. It took until about 20 weeks for this pregnancy to finally feel real. Now the idea that I'm actually going to have a baby is still way too hard to imagine!
ReplyDeleteAfter several years of infertility, I finally got pregnant with my first and decided I'd try my hardest not to complain or be negative about pregnancy. Overall, my pregnancies have been pretty enjoyable/uneventful and I'm very thankful for that. I have some of the normal later pregnancy discomforts--sleeping is probably the least enjoyable part of it--but nothing I can't handle.
I hear you. I hit 28 weeks today and every day I get past 24 makes it feel more real, that even if I did go into early labor there is still a significant chance that I'd bring a baby home.
ReplyDeleteI started to feel uncomfortable too at about 21 weeks, but I am kind of used to some of it now so it bothers me less (i.e., like not really being able to bend over). But it is all good and wonderful in a miraculous kind of way. What a cool thing our bodies can do and every kick emphasizes that!
Hey, Desiree. Since I read in a previous post that you would like to know all the people who read your blog since you allow them the chance to get to know you, allow me to introduce myself.
ReplyDeleteMy name is Gethsemane Herron, or GG, G, Sime...a myriad of nicknames to compensate for my "difficult" to pronounce name. I'm a 19 year old woman-child-thing (emphasis on thing) studying I Haven't Decided Yet at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. As someone who recently began her natural journey, I stumbled upon you and consequently your blog via Curly Nikki in the natual brides section. There are plenty of beautiful brides on that site, but you and your husband stood out to me. Simply put, You glowed. As I am a seeker of light (please don't judge my "hippie" way of speaking lol) I clicked on the link to your blog to "meet" you.
And it was like meeting an older sister. Here was a fellow Pisces baby with roots from the South, a love of curly hair, and a passion for Yoga and health that has always been an interest of mine(I practiced with my mother as a toddler on Saturday mornings).
So this weekend instead of studying, I took an extended break and read your blog from the point of your wedding day to the present. The hilarity about the dog, cooking escapades (I agree with Drew, I LOVE to cook as a creative outlet) the beauty that was your everyday life was wondeful to read- plus I think you are a fabulous writer and good writing is my livelihood-I'm writing my first chapbook of poetry:)
Then, in later posts, when you shared every emotion you had dealing with each loss...I cried for you. I wanted to hold your hand silently like you requested. I mourned so hard for a stranger and her family. But I admired the courageousness in posting SO much of a hard time. Everything ugly, everything painful...you shared it. In doing so, you changed how I felt about life and giving it.
I am terrified of becoming a mother too early. Of being too flawed, too selfish, too Gethsemane and there will not be enough room to raise someone succesfully- I keep visualizing me breaking my baby with the carelessness of a toddler holding a porcelain doll. Precious, but so very fragile. My chapbook, "The Alphabet Series" overarching theme is family and womanhood and I believe they culminate if I become a mother. I held the conviction that if I ever became pregnant, it was with a heavy heart and a quickness in step that I'd go to the Abortion clinic and say goodbye to "it" before I ever had the chance to hold it before it is a flesh and blood, breakable baby.
Then I stumbled upon your blog and I can honestly say you have changed my life. Though I can never judge another woman for any decision she makes for herself, I can honestly say that abortion is no longer something I could do. I am still firmly pro-choice, but hearing your pain, your suffering, and most of all your hope and longing has made me think I could never throw away the gift of a child I sometimes dream about. I finally dealt with my fear and wrote a poem I was too scared to write, too honest to share about my old take on motherhood. But I dealt with my fear, cried my eyes out and wrote my best work to date. And this fear, though still sometimes present, has mostly vacated and I can breathe easy knowing that in a decade or so, I will fight for my baby as hard as you fought for yours.
Congratulations to the newest bundle of joy. Though not "here" yet, she will always be so present in my life because of what you have written. I wish you, Drew, and the Newest One the very best in life. I read in some post that Drew called you his "princess", but personally. I think you have elevated to the level of Queen and I sincerely hope that you get to hold the little princess you have fought so hard for, Ma (my east coast slang comes out when I am emotional).
You're amazing.
Sending light and love your way everyday
G
You're right friend... Viability is a BEAUTIFUL word! And stronger kicks are even pretty fantastic. But you're still allowed to say that this is tough too. That's still allowed.
ReplyDeleteLots of love to you lady! And to that perfect little one growing inside of you!
It seems like you came to the 6 month mark quick. I am completely clueless to what it feels like so I think I'll take the man's role here.
ReplyDelete"whine all you want honey, it'll be alright."
How was that??? lol. I will forever be a reader of yours, chica!
Even though I feel for your pregnancy uncomfortableness... I have to say I am fricking excited for your pregnancy uncomfortableness at the same time. :)
ReplyDeleteI don't remember how I found your blog, but I've been following it for a while. I am so happy for you reaching the 6 month mark! You are totally entitled to a day of whining and non-storytelling. Your readers will stick it out, don't worry! :)
ReplyDeleteHey, Desiree. Since I read in a previous post that you would like to know all the people who read your blog since you allow them the chance to get to know you, allow me to introduce myself.
ReplyDeleteMy name is Gethsemane Herron, or GG, G, Sime...a myriad of nicknames to compensate for my "difficult" to pronounce name. I'm a 19 year old woman-child-thing (emphasis on thing) studying I Haven't Decided Yet at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. As someone who recently began her natural journey, I stumbled upon you and consequently your blog via Curly Nikki in the natual brides section. There are plenty of beautiful brides on that site, but you and your husband stood out to me. Simply put, You glowed. As I am a seeker of light (please don't judge my "hippie" way of speaking lol) I clicked on the link to your blog to "meet" you.
And it was like meeting an older sister. Here was a fellow Pisces baby with roots from the South, a love of curly hair, and a passion for Yoga and health that has always been an interest of mine(I practiced with my mother as a toddler on Saturday mornings).
So this weekend instead of studying, I took an extended break and read your blog from the point of your wedding day to the present. The hilarity about the dog, cooking escapades (I agree with Drew, I LOVE to cook as a creative outlet) the beauty that was your everyday life was wondeful to read- plus I think you are a fabulous writer and good writing is my livelihood-I'm writing my first chapbook of poetry:)
Then, in later posts, when you shared every emotion you had dealing with each loss...I cried for you. I wanted to hold your hand silently like you requested. I mourned so hard for a stranger and her family. But I admired the courageousness in posting SO much of a hard time. Everything ugly, everything painful...you shared it. In doing so, you changed how I felt about life and giving it.
I am terrified of becoming a mother too early. Of being too flawed, too selfish, too Gethsemane and there will not be enough room to raise someone succesfully- I keep visualizing me breaking my baby with the carelessness of a toddler holding a porcelain doll. Precious, but so very fragile. My chapbook, "The Alphabet Series" overarching theme is family and womanhood and I believe they culminate if I become a mother. I held the conviction that if I ever became pregnant, it was with a heavy heart and a quickness in step that I'd go to the Abortion clinic and say goodbye to "it" before I ever had the chance to hold it before it is a flesh and blood, breakable baby.
Then I stumbled upon your blog and I can honestly say you have changed my life. Though I can never judge another woman for any decision she makes for herself, I can honestly say that abortion is no longer something I could do. I am still firmly pro-choice, but hearing your pain, your suffering, and most of all your hope and longing has made me think I could never throw away the gift of a child I sometimes dream about. I finally dealt with my fear and wrote a poem I was too scared to write, too honest to share about my old take on motherhood. But I dealt with my fear, cried my eyes out and wrote my best work to date. And this fear, though still sometimes present, has mostly vacated and I can breathe easy knowing that in a decade or so, I will fight for my baby as hard as you fought for yours.
Congratulations to the newest bundle of joy. Though not "here" yet, she will always be so present in my life because of what you have written. I wish you, Drew, and the Newest One the very best in life. I read in some post that Drew called you his "princess", but personally. I think you have elevated to the level of Queen and I sincerely hope that you get to hold the little princess you have fought so hard for, Ma (my east coast slang comes out when I am emotional).
You're amazing.
Sending light and love your way everyday
G
Even though I feel for your pregnancy uncomfortableness... I have to say I am fricking excited for your pregnancy uncomfortableness at the same time. :)
ReplyDelete