Getting Ready

**Kesha is the most amazing human being I have ever had the honor of meeting.  That is all.

Buying my dress was a very sobering experience.  I had thought it would be a family affair, with my mother, my cousin, my aunt, my best friend, the kids all descending on the bridal store to make a day of prancing around in frilly dresses, making a fuss over each other and how wonderful the day would be.

Instead, I went to the bridal store after work one day on a whim.  I didn't call or tell any of my family what I was doing.  I did tell Kesha but she was busy that night and I figured I would just be looking anyway.  I didn't expect to find anything on such short notice and such a tight budget.  But, since my current wardrobe consists of work clothes, yoga clothes and cleaning-house clothes, I was going to have to come up with something.

I sat in the parking lot, contemplating the fact that I would go in alone, that once again, things don't turn out the way you think they will.

I had never been in a bridal store by myself.  Really, has anyone?  Isn't it kind of a rule that you have to bring at least two people with you?  I was overwhelmed by all the dresses and thank god one of the salesladies came over almost immediately.  She was super nice and did so much to make the experience as pain-free as possible.

I told her that I had a very strict budget and a clear idea of the kind of dress I wanted.  She asked me if I wanted to have a look around but I very quickly and politely declined, asking them if they could just pull some dresses for me.  They did and I went over to the dressing area to wait for them. 

I looked around, noting the brides that had their entourages, fawning over them, adjusting their dresses and funnily, a feeling of peace came over me.  I was here, alone, but I was doing it.  I was making it and it was okay.  I like to think I grew up a little bit, sitting in the David's Bridal, picking out my wedding gown all by myself.

The lady came back with a rack of about six dresses - much more manageable for my brain.  I picked through those and ended up trying on only two.  The first one I tried on was gorgeous, fit perfectly, and was only $99!!  It's like it was made for me!  The second one was way more expensive and would have had to be altered besides.  I intended to go to the grocery store, buy a flower and stick it in my hair but the lady told me that without a water source, flowers begin to wilt almost immediately.  That just shows you how much I thought this through.  So I bought a headpiece from them and just like that, I had my wedding gown.

Fast forward to Friday night.  After my impromptu bridal shower, Kesha came over after work to help me with my dress and figure out what to do with my hair.  I had straightened it several days ago (which I will never do again - pain. in. my. ASS.) but was planning on wearing it curly for the ceremony.  I wasn't sure what to do with the hairpiece and Kesha thought it best to do a dry run rather than try to figure stuff out an hour before the ceremony.  She's so smart.

So I picked up some tacos from the taco stand near the house (best tacos EVER) and on the way over there I called Kathleen, my best friend.  You guessed it, I started crying.  She and I have been friends since we were 13 and I just knew she was going to be there when I got married.  She was supposed to be there, we were supposed to do this together.  I was so very very sad that she wasn't going to share in that moment but at the same time so super glad that I had Kesha.

Drew went out to have dinner with Milton, since I didn't want him to see my dress and he slept in the other bedroom so we could have at least some wedding traditions to remember.  Kesha came over and I commenced to playing dress up.  Putting on the dress and all my accessories again took me another step closer to feeling like a bride and Kesha was so wonderful, reassuring and positive every step of the way.  Each squeal from her brought out a little one in me and by the end of the night excitement was beginning to build.

My shoes were so fabulous and glamorous and I actually found some earrings that sort of matched the stones in my shoes, which you can't help but smile about.

I knew I wanted a slim dress with an all-over pattern.  I thought I wanted something strapless but the halter really ended up working for me.  I liked it a lot!  I also knew that I didn't want something with a giant train that required a lot of fussing, since it would be just me.  My little sweep train was just the thing.

I had a handful of pearl bracelets that I put on at Kesha's suggestion.  I wasn't going to wear bracelets or a necklace but the pearls were the same color ivory as my dress and they added a bit of glamour so they made the cut!  We decided to pull a couple of pieces of hair back at the sides, secure it with some bobby pins and stick the headpiece in a little lower than it is in these pictures.  Dry runs are important!  As I looked at myself in the mirror, it was beginning to sink in that I was getting MARRIED tomorrow!

Because of Kesha and her willingness to be with me in that moment, I was able to feel some excitement about our coming ceremony. 

That night, I slept (in the big bed - Drew got the guest bed) for the first time in a long time without tossing and turning.

I am forever grateful to her for helping me to find my way back to my smile.  Thank you Kesha!!

Old New Borrowed Blue (and a sixpence in your shoe)

**Okay y'all sit back because I am about to tell you the best story in the history of the universe!  If your heart isn't glowing and you don't go around hugging everyone in sight by the time I'm done, you're probably dead inside.  I'm just saying.  But for real though, I didn't post anything yesterday because I was just marinating in everything that happened and now I'm ready to share and it's freakin AWESOME!  I'm seriously thinking of making a 'best of' section on MY OWN BLOG because that's how awesome all these posts are about to be.  And you know what, I'm not even nervous that I'm hyping myself too much because that's how AWESOME this past weekend was!  Okay, I'm going to get on with it now.  IT WAS AWESOME!!!!!!! (And I promise to use a variety of words, not just awesome.)

So, Friday I woke up to rain, rain and more rain.  I was totally bummed because the ceremony was Saturday and I had no back-up plan.  When I met with the photographer last Wednesday she was all, 'so what are you going to do if it rains?'  I was like, 'uuuuhhh, do everything in the gazebo??  Take pictures in the rain?'  It just couldn't rain, but there it was, freakin pouring down.  I even considered writing a 'rain, rain, go away' post and that's all I was going to put - but I was too depressed to even do that.

Most of the day I was pretty melancholy, especially because I felt that the day before my wedding I should be more excited, anxiously counting the hours until I became a wife.  Honestly though, I wasn't.  I felt sort of numb, and when my best friend called me to check on 'the bride' it didn't feel like she should be talking about me.

It was in this full-out funk that I spent most of the day Friday, aimlessly searching on the internet, randomly reading blogs, not really taking anything in.  So when David, one of my co-workers came to the reception desk, I just kind of looked up at him all Ross-from-Friends and was like, "Hi."

David said, "You need to go to the San Marcos conference room.  I'm going to watch the phones for you."

I snapped up real quick.  "What for?  What did I do?  Am I in trouble?"  I knew they had some spyware on my computer, I knew they were just compiling their information and were just waiting for the precise moment to confront me with all my internet non-work-related activity and sack me.  Damn you Bejeweled!  All this went through my head in about 2.3 seconds.  He said he didn't know but that I needed to go and he would watch the phones for me.

I briefly considered not going - they can't fire you if they can't catch you but then I was like, fine.  Just what I needed on this nasty, raining, day-before-my-wedding day.

I walked into the conference room, which is really just an empty office with a table and chairs in it to find.......

ANGELS!!!!!

The days prior Kesha and Velia had been peppering me with questions, like what was Drew's full name and how do you spell it, what's my favorite color, what would my wedding colors have been...  I figured they were going to give me a gift of some sort but I had no idea how touching and thoughtful it was going to be.  There were wrapped presents in the middle of the table and when it registered that they were giving me a bridal shower, I started bawling. 

Warning:  I was down and feeling sorry for myself.  I was going to wash my hair that night, therefore I didn't do anything to it that day.  I also didn't wear makeup to work and I do not cry pretty.  You have been warned.

The first thing they gave me was a letter detailing the meaning of the gifts that they were giving me.  Reading that alone just about did me in.

The first thing was something old.  They got me a beautiful tablecloth that I could totally see draping over a keepsake-type table for the baby's room, or putting it somewhere in the sitting room.  I tried multiple times to compose myself and failed miserably every time.  The picture on the left is me trying to take huge deep breaths to try and stop crying but of course no luck. 

Trying to process what was happening - my friends are amazing, I was actually having a bridal shower that I didn't think I was going to get to have, I'm getting married tomorrow and my amazing friends who gave me a bridal shower weren't going to be there - was entirely too much.

My next gift was something new, this one from Velia and her husband.  Since we weren't having a formal wedding with formal invitations, she made one for us.  It had both of our names on it, stating that we were joining our hearts on Saturday October 10th at 1:00 pm at the Fort Worth Botanic Gardens and it included a beautiful scripture (which of course escapes me right now.) On the other side was another frame for our wedding photo.  I could NOT stop crying.

 My something borrowed was also my sixpence in my shoe, but in my case it was a peso, to honor and remember my mother and because, you know, I'm Mexican.  Except then, I remembered my mother and that she wouldn't be there and I started crying all over again. 

Next came my something blue - Kesha got me a beautiful blue pin with a flower on it, which had me immediately thinking about where I could pin it on my dress since I wouldn't carry flowers.  I'll give you a close-up since I'm sure by this point you can imagine what my face looked like.

I had no idea that they were going to do all this and I was so absolutely touched.  I hugged the both of them so hard and I'm quite positive there were tears and snot on each of their shoulders.  I was so humbled that they cared enough to put forth this kind of effort - they very easily could have just given me a sympathetic pat on the back and gone about their business.  These are girls I've only known since December!!  Sharing that moment with them made it feel a little more like a wedding was going to happen, that I had received some positive female energy to prepare me for the transition from single girl to married woman.

I thanked them over and over again for what they did for me, but 'thank you' seems so silly and flat compared to the depth of gratitude I feel toward them. 

They gave me back some of my dream and for that there are no words.

Dammit, I'm crying again.

Working out the jitters Pt. 2

**See part 1 here.

I want to acknowledge Drew's sacrifice here.  His parents mean the world to him and although he is not as close to his extended family, it will be very difficult to do this without his father present.  He's close to him like I am my mother.  I acknowledge that.

Remember how I was going to tell my father and brother everything next week when I went home to KC?  Yesterday, my mother called me, upset and asked my opinion about telling my father before we actually got married.  She thought it would be better that way and wanted to know what I thought.  I never sought to exclude my father, but given the fact that we only just started talking again and let's face it, he's a pretty volatile guy - I thought it best to wait and do it in person.  My mom disagreed, thinking that he would be upset that he wasn't told beforehand and make things worse in the long run.  I said okay, and decided that I would tell him that night (last night).

I was on my way to pick up my dress when I got a call from Drew.  Unbeknownst to me, my cousin and mother had called him to see if it would be okay if they piled in a van (Mexican-style, I tell ya) and came down to share the day with us.  That totally set him off and he politely told them that it would be just us and that we'd appreciate it if they respected that.  He saved the tirade for me.  Things were said that I was not okay with and I fired back with both barrels. 

I won't lie - the idea of all my family, showing up to suprise me put a huge smile on my face and truthfully, I'd like nothing better.  I want to share that moment with them and I still do.  I always go back to that scene in Braveheart (random, I know) where they marry each other, alone, in the forest.  That's not romantic and sweet to me, it's sad. 

So, after arguing in the parking lot of the David's Bridal, I head over to meet with the photographer.  On the way over, I call my cousin to find out what the hell is going on.  I totally unload on her - I can barely see where I'm going, I'm crying so hard.  Finally, I'm releasing all this emotion, allowing myself to feel the sadness of the situation, mourning the circumstances.  I want my family there, I want them to see me get married.  It doesn't take away at all from my desire to marry Drew, if anything it's because I'm so happy to marry him that I want everyone to be there.  She's beyond remorseful, saying that she wasn't trying to cause trouble, it's just that she couldn't imagine not being there when I got married.  We were both just crying and it was just terrible. 

I had been holding all this in, putting on a happy face, telling myself that it's okay, that I'm doing the right thing when what I needed to do was allow myself to say it wasn't okay, that I'm sad that it's going down this way, that I wish things were different.  Only by honoring those deep feelings could I release them and move forward with a clear (ish) head.

I met with the photographer and then headed home.  I called my dad first, bracing myself for another storm, preparing for the anger and accusations and screaming.  What I got was a very quiet "I see.  Desiree, I'm going to need some time.  Can I call you back?"  in the most dejected, deflated, sad tone you can imagine.  I was ready for a fight, not for this.  I started crying all over again.  Then I called my brother and told him everything, barely able to get the words around the lump in my throat and snot in my nose.  He was so awesome, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay, that this new life is a miracle and it's all going to come out in the wash.  His calm reassurance just made me cry harder.

I finally dried my tears and arrived home.  That's where the storm was.  Again with the 'you against me', again with all the same arguments.  Is this going to be my life?  Please don't let this be my life.  What am I doing wrong?  What can I do better?  I hate fighting.  WTF is wrong with him!!??  Just give in - give him what he wants - tell him nothing in the world is as important as he is.  NO!  That's not true and if he can't deal, that's not my problem.  I'm going to be a terrible wife.  Maybe I'm not meant to be married.  Are you supposed to feel this way about your spouse?  Like you want to shake them till their teeth chatter?  Maybe you should feel like the sun rises and sets in their ass - maybe the problem is me.  What am I doing? 

I tell myself that jitters are normal, doubting is normal, that if I didn't take marriage seriously, I wouldn't be freaking out.  I want this, I want him and I know that nothing worth having comes easy.  I know these things.  I feel pretty strongly that this is all part of the process.  I think -- I don't freakin know, I've never done this before.  

**I don't know if there's a part 3, but if there is you'll find it here.  No sense in buttoning my lips now, right? *wink*