Working out the jitters Pt. 2

**See part 1 here.

I want to acknowledge Drew's sacrifice here.  His parents mean the world to him and although he is not as close to his extended family, it will be very difficult to do this without his father present.  He's close to him like I am my mother.  I acknowledge that.

Remember how I was going to tell my father and brother everything next week when I went home to KC?  Yesterday, my mother called me, upset and asked my opinion about telling my father before we actually got married.  She thought it would be better that way and wanted to know what I thought.  I never sought to exclude my father, but given the fact that we only just started talking again and let's face it, he's a pretty volatile guy - I thought it best to wait and do it in person.  My mom disagreed, thinking that he would be upset that he wasn't told beforehand and make things worse in the long run.  I said okay, and decided that I would tell him that night (last night).

I was on my way to pick up my dress when I got a call from Drew.  Unbeknownst to me, my cousin and mother had called him to see if it would be okay if they piled in a van (Mexican-style, I tell ya) and came down to share the day with us.  That totally set him off and he politely told them that it would be just us and that we'd appreciate it if they respected that.  He saved the tirade for me.  Things were said that I was not okay with and I fired back with both barrels. 

I won't lie - the idea of all my family, showing up to suprise me put a huge smile on my face and truthfully, I'd like nothing better.  I want to share that moment with them and I still do.  I always go back to that scene in Braveheart (random, I know) where they marry each other, alone, in the forest.  That's not romantic and sweet to me, it's sad. 

So, after arguing in the parking lot of the David's Bridal, I head over to meet with the photographer.  On the way over, I call my cousin to find out what the hell is going on.  I totally unload on her - I can barely see where I'm going, I'm crying so hard.  Finally, I'm releasing all this emotion, allowing myself to feel the sadness of the situation, mourning the circumstances.  I want my family there, I want them to see me get married.  It doesn't take away at all from my desire to marry Drew, if anything it's because I'm so happy to marry him that I want everyone to be there.  She's beyond remorseful, saying that she wasn't trying to cause trouble, it's just that she couldn't imagine not being there when I got married.  We were both just crying and it was just terrible. 

I had been holding all this in, putting on a happy face, telling myself that it's okay, that I'm doing the right thing when what I needed to do was allow myself to say it wasn't okay, that I'm sad that it's going down this way, that I wish things were different.  Only by honoring those deep feelings could I release them and move forward with a clear (ish) head.

I met with the photographer and then headed home.  I called my dad first, bracing myself for another storm, preparing for the anger and accusations and screaming.  What I got was a very quiet "I see.  Desiree, I'm going to need some time.  Can I call you back?"  in the most dejected, deflated, sad tone you can imagine.  I was ready for a fight, not for this.  I started crying all over again.  Then I called my brother and told him everything, barely able to get the words around the lump in my throat and snot in my nose.  He was so awesome, reassuring me that everything was going to be okay, that this new life is a miracle and it's all going to come out in the wash.  His calm reassurance just made me cry harder.

I finally dried my tears and arrived home.  That's where the storm was.  Again with the 'you against me', again with all the same arguments.  Is this going to be my life?  Please don't let this be my life.  What am I doing wrong?  What can I do better?  I hate fighting.  WTF is wrong with him!!??  Just give in - give him what he wants - tell him nothing in the world is as important as he is.  NO!  That's not true and if he can't deal, that's not my problem.  I'm going to be a terrible wife.  Maybe I'm not meant to be married.  Are you supposed to feel this way about your spouse?  Like you want to shake them till their teeth chatter?  Maybe you should feel like the sun rises and sets in their ass - maybe the problem is me.  What am I doing? 

I tell myself that jitters are normal, doubting is normal, that if I didn't take marriage seriously, I wouldn't be freaking out.  I want this, I want him and I know that nothing worth having comes easy.  I know these things.  I feel pretty strongly that this is all part of the process.  I think -- I don't freakin know, I've never done this before.  

**I don't know if there's a part 3, but if there is you'll find it here.  No sense in buttoning my lips now, right? *wink*