Trying to thrive

Solo parenting is a reality in my life.  Drew travels for work; he always has and he probably always will.  It's hard on all of us because Drew misses a lot and he has to count on quality time with the family versus quantity.  Of course it's hard on me because I miss my husband, plain and simple.  Plus, with two kids it sure is nice to have an extra set of hands.  However, this is how my husband provides for us and I'm beyond grateful that he has and is giving us the life we live.  We are immeasurably blessed and I constantly remind myself of that when I start to get whiny about how hard things are.

However, I find that I end up just trying to get through the minutes when he's gone.  I'm just trying to make it until the next time one or both of them is asleep and last night, something clicked inside me - what if I didn't operate in survival mode?  What if I tried to get ahead of the tide?  What would that feel like?  Yeah, with him gone so much it's all me, all the time more than I'd prefer, but that's just the way it is.  We don't have family nearby so it's all on me to hold down the fort and it's high time I got better at it.  

So I'm trying it.  This week I'm going to thrive instead of survive without my husband here.  I'm going to do my best not to plop Sofia in front of the TV so much.  I've made my peace with the fact that I have to use TV sometimes (like now so I can write) but it's going to be more last-resort than first-response.  I'm going to actually do all those toddler activities I've pinned.  We're going to pull out the toys and we're going to use them.  

And we'll see how frazzled - or not?  Maybe? - I am by the end of the week.

Night one:  Playing in moonsand.  I found it on Pinterest and Sofia loves it because she loves anything messy.  It's 8 cups of flour to one cup of baby oil.  Mix it up and put it in a bin.  It's super soft and clumps really well for making sand castles.  I put a big blanket on the floor, gave her some measuring cups and let her go to town.  I put Andrea in the little bouncy chair and we all sat on the kitchen floor and got messy.  Of course Sofia got *in* the tub and starting rubbing the flour all over herself and mushing her face in it - we're going to call this a 'sensory experience.'  It sounds much more intelligent and purposeful than 'messy as hell.'  i'm going to look for homemade bathtub paints next.    

But hey, it's a win because she wasn't crying, not watching TV and we were spending time together!  That's the kind of stuff I'm shooting for this week and I really want to see if I can get there. 

My hope is to be able to blog every morning about the night before, so we'll see how well I can hold up!

Wish me luck!

Mom times two

This one won't have pictures because I have to type as fast as I can because Andrea is asleep and Sofia is watching a movie and I have many thoughts to dump and I'm wasting time telling you and I should just start talking before one wakes up or one realizes that I'm not paying attention to her shit Desiree just blog there's no time there's no time!

That's what having two kids is like for me.  No time.  Anymore.  Ever.  I used to have nights to myself - 11p-2a was my sacred time.  Time for writing, clicking around the internet, recharging for the next day.  Now, I lay sandwiched between my two babies, one nursing, one needing to touch my 'nursings' or just know that I'm close so they can sleep.  If I so much as adjust my pjs or dare to leave the bed, one or both of them wakes up crying.  So my time is gone bye-bye for the foreseeable future.  Most days it's no big deal, but about every tenth day when I am spent beyond spent, I NEED my time.  Drew can tell when I get snippy about having a mile long to-do list, when every single question gets a smart-ass response, and then he knows that it's in his best interest to take the baby and occupy Sofia so I can wash my hair so I can stop scratching my head like I have fleas.

However, that's the biggest and 'worst' thing about all of this.  Thankfully, the baby weight is gone, I'm done with the shots (halle-LU-yer!), and the winter is on its way out.  I don't have the deer in the headlights feeling like I did with Sofia and I've come to realize that I have to let some things go in the name of being a mom to two babies.

I started humming "Let It Go" just as soon as I typed the phrase

because I've seen this movie approximately 

twelve THOUSAND times.

The house may never be clean again.  If I can do one thing a day, I have to be okay with that.  Between Sofia climbing on the counters and ripping up random pieces of paper - which ps, what the hell is that about? - and Andrea nursing every ten minutes, the house just doesn't get clean.  I try to stay on top of the vacuuming because the dog hair will give me legit panic attacks, but I have no choice but to let everything else go to the wayside.  I cleaned the bathroom yesterday but that was only because it was starting to gross me out.  God bless Sofia and her potty-training, but it sure does make for a nasty bathroom.  I can only imagine how gross it would be if I had a little boy who could get it on the walls and stuff.

Andrea cries more than I prefer.  There are two of them and only one of me.  If Sofia is standing on the counter about to jump off, she gets priority.  I have to go to her and ensure she doesn't kill herself, which she tries to do on a daily basis.  I'm telling you, kids turn three and suddenly they think they're invincible and they want to start flying and shit.  So, if Sofia is about to kill herself and Andrea is crying, bless her heart, but she has to cry for a second while I save her sister.  I hate it because Sofia never so much as whimpered before I was there holding her, but that's just not the reality of life now.   

I may have to give up my cloth diapers.  I've written extensively of my love for cloth diapers - I don't have time to link to the posts because Andrea is fidgeting in the crib, which means my time is limited - but it's true.  It hurts my heart and I'm going to have to up my green-ness in other areas, but Andrea HATES feeling wet. This is new for me because Sofia could care less if she was wet or dirty, but not Andrea.  She's an easygoing baby, but the second her diaper is wet, she will let you and everyone within earshot know that she has a wet or dirty bottom.  Because of it, we're using disposables at night and she doesn't so much as peep.  She wakes up to nurse and is asleep within minutes of eating, so I'm concluding the fussiness is to do with the cloth diapers.  I struggled with it for a minute because of the cost! the waste! the Earth!  But in the end if it's a question of my daughter's comfort, well, sorry Earth.  I'm just hoping this means Andrea will potty train sooner and who knows, I may even give elimination communication a try.  It's just one of those things; she already cries more than I want her to, so if there's something I can do that will lessen the amount of crying, I'm going to do it.

Wake up before they do or the day is shot.  If Sofia is up before me, I can pretty much count on brushing my teeth while chasing her down, hopping on one foot trying to put on my pants before Sofia gets into something she's not supposed to and basically feeling behind the eight ball until naptime.  However, if I manage to get up before them, I can dress, brush my teeth and maybe even comb my hair and wash my face and the day is immeasurably easier to manage.  Having that fifteen to twenty minutes to gather myself makes all the difference in the world.  With just one kid, mornings were much more leisurely.  Two kids means you have to be ready for the world the second your eyes open and you better pray they open early.

Errands require logistics planning on par with a NASA shuttle launch.  Change of clothes, times two.  Blankets, times two.  Diaper bag double stuffed.  Take the bags to the car, start the car so it's warmed up.  Go back inside, the baby's crying.  Tell Sofia it's time to go, which means time for a game of keep-away.  Take ten minutes to chase and wrestle a jacket on Sofia.  Baby's crying.  Carry Sofia out, kicking and laughing because it's so much fun to play keep-away with Mommy!  Go back inside, grab dry-cleaning and whatever other errand stuff I need and pray to Jesus I don't forget anything because you can't forget anything.  Baby's crying.  Run outside, throw it in the car which is warm thank God.  Rush back in, baby's crying.  Apologize like crazy, drape her in blankets because F YOU WINTER.  Decide to nurse her real fast because it's just mean to dump her in the carseat crying.  She stops and falls asleep thank God.  Buckle her in.  Sofia needs to make a pee, needs a snack, needs a book, needs something that obviously she couldn't tell me until she was in the carseat.  Get whatever she needs.  Lock the front door - finally.  Thirty minutes later, back out of the driveway.  

Getting out of the car means putting the baby in the Ergo, unbuckling Sofia who then wants to play keep-away in the car instead of getting out and getting in the stroller.  Trying to wrestle her while Andrea is in the Ergo is a super fun joke. Finally Sofia takes pity on me and gets in the stroller.  Sometimes she wants to walk which is a whole other thing because she hasn't quite mastered the whole 'hold Mommy's hand at all times' thing.  Then we do our errand and then it's unbuckling the Ergo, baby's crying, come on Sofia honey please get in your seat, put the bags in the car and strongly debate whether or not we really need toilet paper because I really don't want to make another stop.  

But that's how it is and crying about it and wishing it were easier is futile, so I just take a deep breath, try to give myself an hour to run an errand that used to take me fifteen minutes, and let it go.

Because I'm a mom times two and that's a blessing.  Besides, just when I think it's never going to slow down and I'm never going to get caught up, my babiest baby sleeps for a bit in her crib, wakes for some nursing and falls right back to sleep and my older baby takes a decent nap and I get to reconnect with my writing, with my friends and I feel content.  It's hectic, there's less time for trivial things like showers and catching my breath, but I wouldn't change it for anything.

Made by Mom

I'm nearly five weeks into this mom-of-two gig and I'm still alive, my friends.  I haven't had much to report because it's not really noteworthy.  On one hand it's great - I don't have the fear and uncertainty I did with Sofia because this is no longer my first rodeo.  When Andrea cries I'm not struck with panic, wondering and doubting if I have what it takes to soothe her because the answer is Yes, I do.  They're called boobs and they're awesome.  On the other hand, there's not much to blog about.  We're just over here, living life.  

So, thanks to my awesome boobs and the Ergo, we're actually making it and doing ok.  Of course, please don't let me sound like it's easy.  It takes a minimum of four trips to get them both in and out of the car.  I thought I hated winter with just one kid but two kids makes me LOATHE winter.  I have never been more thankful for a warm-ish sunny day because it means I don't have lug blankets and coats back and forth to the car.

We still haven't figured out sleeping, which has been super not fun.  I haven't figured out how to be in two places at once to get two small people to sleep in two separate places while nursing one and soothing the other.  Bedtimes and naptimes have been a straight-up battle with Sofia and my heart breaks for her because I know this is just her adjusting.  I have lost my patience with her a couple of times and I fully regret that but I think we're making progress.  

Now, Andrea is adjusting rather nicely.  She tolerates her sister squeezing her cheeks with grace.  She cries when she's wet or hungry and stops just as soon as she's dry and/or has a boob in her mouth; she's gaining weight like a champ and I count my blessings every time I look at her sweet face.

I kinda can't blame Sofia for wanting to squeeze her cheeks.

I mean, just look at them!  They're begging to be squeezed and kissed and chewed on!

Speaking of other things that are made by Mom, I've made some decorating progress.  Some things I did before I had the baby, but others I've managed to do since she's gotten here and I'd love to share them.

Floor cushion, take two

The first floor cushion for Sofia's room was decent - for my first try.  The second try was much better, although still not perfect.  That navy panel wasn't supposed to be there but I ran out of pink fabric; I won't tell if you won't.

I also got around to making a new pillow cover for her chair too!

Not too shabby if I do say so myself.

Then I switched out the wall art above the dresser.

I really loved my Avalisa canvases but I couldn't find exactly what I wanted this time, so I decided to try my hand at making my own canvases.  That's the best thing about kids' rooms - nothing has to be perfect.  At least that's what I'm telling myself.  I went to AC Moore and got some canvases, paint and frames and made a new trio.

Plus, it's automatically better than anything you can buy when you sign it.

This new trio was super easy and I really like how it turned out.

I finally made progress in the nursery too!

The first try was decent, but I didn't love it.

Thanks to hanging everything but the mirror with Command strips, 

changing the frames around was easy.

I like this setup much more.  Obviously I need to change the pictures and I'm 

going to paint the middle black frame white, but I got stuff on the walls.

And now I'm hating that I hung the mirror with nails because 

I'm thinking it needs to be a little higher.

A little close up of my sweet girl

And one more because there's no such thing as too much cuteness.

Additionally, the original furniture placement wasn't doing it for me.

I poached the bookcase from the playroom downstairs to bring it to the nursery.

There really isn't room for it down there anyway.  Sofia has a ball pit, slide and a trampoline in her playroom now so it's not like she'll really miss it.

I gave it two coats of primer specifically for laminate furniture, two coats of white paint that we already had and it looks pretty decent in the nursery.  Now I just have to fill it and decorate the top and it'll make a nice addition in there.

I'm thinking about a big piece of art for the left wall, this room needs a floor cushion, I need something over the crib and I'd like to put something on top of the table but for now, I'm just glad the room isn't so bare anymore.

And yeah, I still have to sew the slipcover for the chair but let's not get ahead of ourselves.

Design stuff makes me so happy and while I make plenty of mistakes (remind me to show you the living room rug) I like to think I'm learning and making improvements.  You know what they say, If at first you don't succeed, buy another rug.

...As Drew's nervous twitch gets worse...