Falling down

Don't be melodramatic, don't be melodramatic, don't be melodramatic........


It won't help anything.  Stick to the facts.  Keep it in perspective.  Everything's going to be okay.


.....................


I'm in desperate need of a pep-talk and that's the best I can do right now.


So, never mind what I said a few days ago that I was winning the Sleep Battle.  Round Three, Four, Five *and* Six go to......I don't even know who they go to, because neither of us is winning right now.

Not even a little bit.

Sofia is most definitely waking in the middle of the night to comfort nurse.  That tells me that she has the ability to sleep through the night but is waking up naturally and doesn't know how to fall to sleep again without at least a few minutes of nursing.  She's definitely not eating so it would be better for her to simply sleep more.  Right?  I don't know.

I feel like my brain has been rattled because I attempted Ferber-izing her tonight.  Holy shitballs.  That's all I have to say about that.  Who in the HELL can do that without cracking?  And if it's you, comment right the hell now and tell me EXACTLY how you do it.  

Let me say that again:  COMMENT ON THIS POST AND TELL ME HOW TO DO THIS.

I've never asked for comments before because it's your business if you want to lurk or not, but I just spent the last hour staring up at the ceiling because I was so shaken by spending the hour before that listening to my daughter scream her face off in three minute intervals.

Because yeah, I couldn't even do the 'progressive waiting' that Ferber recommends.  You're supposed to let them cry for one minute, go in and check on them for no longer than two minutes, leave even if they're screaming their faces off, wait for three minutes, check again but no longer than two minutes, wait for five minutes, check again, and repeat at five minute intervals until they fall asleep from sadness exhaustion I don't even know.

Are you freakin kidding me?

I did this for almost an hour, which felt like 59 minutes too long.  I finally gave in and nursed her.  Then, I felt guilty about doing it because if I was going to 'give in' I shouldn't have let her cry in the first place.  I just whispered 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry' as her little fist hit my chest.  That's a suck-ass feeling if there ever was one.

How in the world am I supposed to do this alone?  Where am I supposed to find the strength to withstand the crying?  

But she needs to sleep.  She barely takes naps in the daytime because she wakes up naturally about 20-30 minutes after she goes down and hardly ever goes back to sleep, so even though she always naps in the morning, it's never for long.  Afternoon naps are a joke.  I try and try to give her every opportunity to sleep but it doesn't happen.  The only time it happens in the afternoon is if I have to go somewhere and she sleeps in the carseat.  Then I feel even worse when we arrive and I have to disturb her.  I've definitely taken the long way to get places just to ensure that she gets at least thirty minutes of sleep.

I feel even worse seeing this in writing.  Great.

Never mind the rest of my life.  It took me eight hours to do laundry one day.  I just about lost it because the same amount used to take me two hours and I used to be able to get so much other stuff done while the clothes were in the wash and I used to fold and put away the laundry as it came out of the dryer.  Now, the only things that get done like that are her diapers. 

Regular showering is a joke.  I will myself not to sweat because I know it'll probably be days before I'll get to shower.  

And holy shit, my eyebrows.  And my hair.  No lie, I just avoid mirrors these days.  

And the 'work' I did for my neighbor?  I'm having anxiety over that too because I should have said no in the first place.  But I'm not good at saying no.  I felt like I was put on the spot and it would have been nice to have the extra money for Christmas. 

But the day of the move?  I had the baby strapped to my chest all day long while I was trying to tell the movers about somebody else's stuff, what was supposed to go to storage, what was supposed to go to the new place because nothing was labeled and the house was an absolute wreck when they arrived.  I hardly knew what was trash and what was supposed to be packed.  And how am I supposed to unpack everything at the new place?  Do you know how much longer everything takes with a baby strapped to your chest?  And OH YEAH, WHAT ABOUT NAPS?!

I should have said no, because I have no one to take care of the baby while I go do stuff.

I'm  the one who takes care of the baby.  It's called primary caregiver, Desiree.  The baby is my first job.  Really, it's my only job but there's nothing like the guilt of 'not contributing' that will have me open my mouth and say yes when I should have said no, just so I can say I've added to the bank account.

The baby will be up soon.  

Thinking on Thursday

Thank goodness for Carolyn's Thoughts on Thursday because that's about all I have energy for!  And I know you're not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition but that's all I've got.  For.

Link it up!

• I have to wash my hair tonight and I really don't want to because it takes so long, and I'd rather sleep.
• But I have to because my hair is nasty dirty and that's just gross.
• I'm hosting a playgroup tomorrow and it's my first one so of course I'm super nervous that I'm going to do something dumb and they'll never want to come over again.
• I've eaten more regularly in the past two days than I have in a long time thanks to my one-handed food.
• You'd think I invented sandwiches judging by my pride in my original not original discovery.
• My neighbor sold his house and travels for work so he asked me to coordinate the move for him.  He paid me but having the baby and 'working' all day was almost not worth it.  I'm beat!
• The baby has been sleeping so well lately!  Just in time for us to go out of town in a couple of days.
• Last week I painted my nails for the first time in years.  My mani is all chipped now and I can only paint my nails OR wash my hair tonight.  I remember now why I don't paint my nails.
• I rearranged the living room and bought a new rug - I can't wait until it gets here!
• The baby crawled for the first time a couple of days ago, hence the need for the living room change.  She needs space to roam!

Please, for the love of all that's good and holy, ignore my voice in the following video.  In fact, do us all a favor and watch it on mute because I sound like an idiot.  If I knew how to put music over my voice I totally would because, wow.  What a weirdo.  Me, not the baby.

I was dreaming when I wrote this

And by dreaming I mean having a large glass of the good wine.  Just so you know where I'm coming from.


SO!  Yet again, I love the internet and blogging and wine!


Writing the last post got me thinking about food and how much I hate it, but how much I hate it more when I feel like someone or something is getting the best of me.  Today I brainstormed and guess what y'all!  I'm cooking right now!  And drinking because I hate cooking!


Oh and guess what else!  I did a Google search on what foods you can eat one-handed to get ideas.  My lil' ol' blog came up at the bottom of the first page!  I feel bad for that because I am of no help whatso ever when it comes to ideas.  Until now!


There's a website called thenaptimechef.com that gave me some great ideas and got my thinking cap glowing.  My thinking cap glose, doesn't yours?  Anyway, sandwiches!  You can eat sandwiches with one hand!  I had the most brilliant idea of making sausage biscuits for breakfast (because I am a meat-a-saurus and must have meat at every meal.)  I went to the store and got some Jimmy Deans and some pop biscuits.  I fried up that thar sausage, made some eggs and put them in baggies, ready for the microwave in the morning!


Then I made some chicken salad sandwiches for lunches, inspired of course by my one and only bestie Carolyn.  She posted a recipe for chicken salad sandwiches thereby putting the bug in my ear.  Ps, where in the HAYull did that expression come from?  Reminds me of Star Trek, the wrath of Khan where they put the bug in that guy's ear.  Tells you how old I am that I'm referencing that movie and how much that scene affected me that I can still remember it.

One-handed food!

ANYWAY!  Oh chicken salad!

I chopped and mixed and assembled and now I have lunches!  I'm feeling so good about myself right now which is a good thing because I'm really done with this whole husband-living-in-another-city thing.  Because let's face it, when he's home an average of 48 hours a week, he lives in another city.

It got me thinking about our marriage and how the two years that we've been married we've been dealing with some drama or another pretty much since day one.  I'm super extra ready for a drama-free life right about now because it's hard on both of us.  When he's gone I handle all house business, no breaks, no relief, no time off.  When he's home, it would be great to get a break, relief or time off but he's been traveling and working the whole time and he wants a break too.  He wants to put his feet up in his own house for a minute and while I can't blame him that much, I need help around this piece!  I'm over it and I'm ready for normal.

Until then, I'm drinking the good wine.