Endometrial Biopsy: NEVER. AGAIN.

When there's good news and bad news, I always choose the bad news first.  That way, the good news can soften the blow a bit.  I have a lot of stuff to write about and when I was deciding which to post first, I went with the bad one first.  I promise the rest are good, but this one needs to vacate my brain.  I re-read my posts from time to time, but this won't be one of them.  I apologize in advance, y'all.


So, the next test in the 'finding out why my body sucks at sustaining life' panel was the endometrial biopsy - I had it done this past Wednesday.  He warned me that it would be painful, that I should take ibuprofen before and after.  That gave me pause, as the tests thus far required no pre-medicating.  Not only did I have to do the ibuprofen, I had to take a course of antibiotics!  Needless to say, I was nervous the morning of the procedure.


It started in the usual manner, with an up close and personal with the weenie-cam.  So far, so good.  He asked me if I took my ibuprofen and started the antibiotics, to which I said yes like the excellent patient that I am.  Then he gave me the bad news - my OB didn't run a couple of the tests that he'd like to have results for.  Even though I knew what that meant, I still asked because I'm a glutton for punishment like that.  Yup - another blood draw.  Great, cool, awesome, fucking fantastic.  He was all, After you're done here you can go on down to the lab and get that taken care of.  Gee thanks dude - don't you know the rules?  There's supposed to be some good news after this!  But this day, there would be none.


After the ultrasound, it was time to get down to business.  He brought out the speculum and I was still okay - I mean, you never get used to the feeling but at least it's familiar.  Then he had to wash my cervix - whatev, still no pain.  I knew he wasn't sugar-coating things so I began to wonder when the pain part would come.  Lucky for me, I didn't have to wait long!


**So, I'm about to get graphic - if that's not your deal go here or here.  They're lighter and won't make you cringe.  You've been warned.


Ok, we all know that the cervix is the opening to the uterus, yes?  What I didn't know until several months ago is that the cervix moves position.  During the course of your cycle, your cervix moves all around - for a better illustration go here.  That way you'll know what I'm saying when I tell you that the doctor said my cervix was high and tight and he had to grab it to make it straight.  Do you know HOW he had to do that?  


Dude, I have to pause.


I'm having phantom pain.


Reliving this is making me shake.  Okay, here goes.


I HAD TO COUGH.  SO HE COULD GRAB MY CERVIX WITH HIS PINCHERS.


COUGH.


As in 'turn your head and cough' like I was a dude.  Except I was laying down with pinchers in my vagina.  Because apparently coughing makes your cervix move.  I did NOT know that.


I coughed once, not completely processing what was going on.  It wasn't strong enough - of course it wasn't.  Give me one big cough!  I took a deep breath, suddenly wanting to cancel the whole thing, tell him I changed my mind, that I'm cool with not knowing why I'm having miscarriages.  But I didn't.  I coughed - a big one.


My poor little cervix involuntarily moved into position and he snatched it between his Pinchers of Death and I nearly screamed.  Holy SHIT, I have never felt something so painful in my LIFE!  There is no comparison and there shouldn't be - that is a singularly horrific sensation and it should never ever be duplicated.  There is no metaphor, no 'imagine/pretend like' because holy SHIT he just grabbed my cervix with a pair of pliers!  And hey guess what, he didn't let go!  And he hadn't even started the procedure!!


I totally started crying - to his credit, he was extremely contrite and saying he was sorry and he'd finish as soon as possible.  I didn't care about his dumb apologies - he had my cervix in a fucking clamp!  Then came the part where he tried to get inside my uterus, to which my cervix was all, fuck you and stayed shut like a little kid pressing his lips together, refusing to take his medicine.  


I can't even hate on my doctor - he was being as nice as possible but oh my God I wanted to stab him in his eye when he tried to force my cervix open.  I tried to keep my cool but I started sobbing, shaking the table and the pinchers that were still inside me.  THEN he asked me if I wanted numbing medication.  Numbing medication?  There was numbing medication and you didn't give it to me straight away?  What the hell dude?  I was like, um YEAH being numb would be great since I think you missed my uterus and you're actually trying to pull my LUNGS out of my vagina!


Oh, but it's not that easy...  


HE STUCK A NEEDLE INTO MY VAGINA.


Like at the dentist.  THAT shot.  The one that makes you avoid the dentist until you have a weeping abscess.  THAT shot - into my vagina.


I couldn't handle that one - my leg bucked involutarily, shaking the stirrup.  I might have blacked out for a second.  No, I'm pretty sure I blacked out - because he had my cervix in pinchers and just stuck a needle into my vagina.  I thought the numbing medication was a cream - I should have known something was up when he said medication and not cream.  Asshole.  


Oh, and here's the best part - the numbing medication didn't do SHIT.  I felt everything, although it was a little muted but in my book, numb means no feeling.  None.  


He finally got into my uterus so he could get the biopsy of my tissue.  Tears were steady streaming down my face and into my hair at this point.  I squeezed the hell out of Drew's hand but I was so wracked with pain that I couldn't really focus on him or anything he was saying.  I just knew he was there - thank God.


Then came the biopsy.  And more pinchers.  I felt everything.  He grabbed a piece of my uterine lining and twisted it off.  I felt the turning motion and thought my whole uterus was being pulled out.  Oh but no.


He goes, Can I show you the tissue?  I was not sure why I needed to see it - maybe to feel better about having my insides man-handled?  Maybe for a final goodbye?  I didn't get it but I said okay.  It was just little pick flecks floating in clear liquid, not much to see.  Then he told me the tissue sample wasn't sufficient.  Not sufficient?  You're joking me right?  You didn't do it right the first fucking time?  You know, the time when I was weeping and shaking and sobbing?  Are you KIDDING ME?  I knew what that meant but through my tears I asked anyway - glutton, remember?


HE HAD TO GO BACK IN.


The forcing of the cervix, the grabbing, the twisting - one more time.  I told him I needed a second to gather myself.  I steadied my breathing, tried to calm the crying and stared at the ceiling.  I have never felt pain like this - it was so deep, so intimate.  This was my deepest part of me and I felt like loud, drunk hooligans had invaded my sanctuary.  At least the last time someone was inside me and took something away from me I was under anesthesia.  I didn't ever want to do this again, not as long as I lived.  I took a deep breath and gave him the okay.


He got a bigger piece this time, I felt it.  I cried into Drew's hand, so sorrowful that I was even having to do this.  So full of sadness that we still may not be able to fix the problem.  I sobbed, praying for it to be over - my uterus was cramping in protest which made the twisting that much worse.  I'm not being melodramatic y'all but I seriously think I left my body because the pain was too great - just for a few seconds so I could get some relief.  


Finally, it was over.  I awkwardly got dressed, my insides fifty different kinds of sore and cramping like a champ.  I dried my tears and limped out, with the girls in his office giving me the head-tilt sympathy smiles.  I couldn't even be polite - I felt violated.  I know that's a really strong word but I swear it fits.  No one should ever be in your lady-business in that capacity.  It's just not right.


It was in this condition that we arrived at the lab.  The last time I was there I managed to keep from crying but there was no way I had the strength this time.  The lady came in and I was already weepy.  "Not to be rude, but are you good?"  "Twenty years."  "Okay, the last girl wasn't good and I just don't like needles and I just can't handle them and I'm sorry I'm not trying to be rude or a handful but I just can't..."  and with that I laid down and just let the tears come on out again.  


This lady was awesome.  She was super sweet and she was GOOD.  It didn't totally diminish the experience but she got the vein on the first try and honestly, I barely felt it.  However, I was so traumatized that I couldn't keep it together.  I cried the whole time and had to lay there for a while after she finished because I was dizzy and couldn't stop crying.  I was a mess.


A couple hours after walking into the building, I limped out with sore insides and a fresh blood stick.  We got home and I took a giant ibuprofen and went straight to bed.  I wanted nothing more than to forget that entire morning.


I really hope this ends up being worth it.