It's time

I can't believe it's only been two weeks.  I feel like I've been gone forever.  I've missed my blog, I've missed writing, I've missed YOU.  Things aren't better - hooboy they are not better - but taking a break from writing hasn't helped so I might as well write.  And boy do I have some things to say!


First, biggest, most:  I'm pregnant.  Yup, I'm gestating, knocked up, bun in the oven, awaiting a visit from the stork - what other inane euphemism is out there?  Tell you what, let's just go with I'm pregnant.  Oh yeah, and *I'm* the one who's pregnant.  I don't buy that stupid 'we're pregnant' business.  It's just me who has to do this.  Not Drew.  Drew does not have to stop drinking, he doesn't have to stop eating sushi, he doesn't have to pee in the middle of the night, he doesn't get weird random pains, he doesn't get tired at 8pm every night and he certainly doesn't have to stick himself in the belly with needles twice a day.


Oh yeah - needles.  In the belly.  And we all know how much I hate needles right?  Yes?  Yes?  Through all the testing they found out I have an auto-immune reaction to pregnancy.  My body treats babies like germs and attacks them.  So I have to remind my body twice a day not to kill my baby.  These 13 weeks have been the hardest and darkest of my life - and believe me, the irony is not lost on me.  I have been challenged to my core.  I've cried more than I ever thought I would - I thought I'd be over the moon happy to find the problem, fix it and carry a pregnancy farther than I ever have before.


Not the case, y'all.  Not the case at all in the slightest tiny bit.   


Now, I'm sure you can do the math - I've only been gone for two weeks but I'm 13 weeks pregnant.  I didn't write about it because Drew asked me not to.  At first, I was flabbergasted.  All of the infertility and trying to conceive blogs usually post as they're peeing on the stick.  I fully thought that when my time came I would do the same.  It really threw me when he asked me not to write about it and I'll be honest, I was angry.  I was afraid that if I lost it before I was allowed to talk about it that it was somehow not real, that no one would know and somehow it wouldn't count.  I also felt like I wasn't being true to myself - it's cathartic to put it all out there and for once I couldn't.  That was really really hard.


But I'm out of the first trimester now so it's time.  I'm here.


This is not going to turn into a pregnancy/baby blog.  I'm still me - the world hasn't stopped turning, I'm just going to have a baby and I'm more than a little superstitious.  So there will be no widget on the sidebar with a floating baby and a ticker.  There will be no weekly updates telling you what kind of fruit is inside me now or how much weight I've gained (none so far.)  However, I am having a baby and that's making me think all kinds of crazy things so I apologize in advance if I leave you scratching your head after any particular post.


I also haven't decided if I'm going to post belly pictures.  For one thing, I've got bruises all over my belly and they're not pretty.  For another, there's not much to see.  I might when I actually pop out or something, but honestly haven't we all seen enough fat, bare bellies to last us a lifetime?  I know I have!  I don't know how I feel about adding mine to the mix.


This certainly hasn't gone down according to any of my fantasies but honestly, not too much in my life has so I'm not that surprised.  Although, I was hoping that if one thing, just one thing was going to go like the fairy tales it would be my first successful pregnancy.  HA!  Yeah right.  This is pretty much the farthest thing from my fantasies with me still actually pregnant.  


Oh well.  I've got a baby in me, I've heard its heartbeat, seen its picture and it is hands-down the coolest most fabulous thing in the world.  For serious.  So at least there's that.


It's been bad, real freakin bad but I'm just hoping that things get better, because right now I don't have shit to put in a baby book other than Damn, this isn't how I thought it would be!


I don't think my kid would appreciate that.


Do they allow you to start baby books at about five months pregnant?  If so, that gives me some time to turn things around before I have to document it.  I don't know the rules here.