You gotta want it

The Monday after our reception, I went to my OB to have my bloodwork done.  I got the 'habitual aborter' panel - isn't that a great label?  I didn't know that they're called abortions no matter what.  Elective, missed, spontaneous - all abortions, there's no distinction.  As if I'm doing this on purpose.  Miscarriage isn't much better - as if I'm doing something wrong, like I'm not following the directions.  I know it's just medical terminology, but it stings just the same.


I'm proud to report that I didn't freak out as badly with this blood draw as I have in the past.  The good thing about having the same doctor is that they can get to know you and make allowances for your idiosyncrasies.  In my case, they put me in an exam room so that I can lie down and no one can hear me hyperventilate and cry and carry on.  Although, I do wonder if they do it more for me or for the other patients - not that I really care.  I definitely wish I could be one of those people that can calmly sit and have blood sucked out of my body.  I hate that I go into a mild state of shock every time.  It always takes a solid ten minutes to stop shaking and I wish I were stronger.  At any rate, I got through the blood draw with minimal drama.  I didn't cry until after he finished and I took my time waiting for the room to stop spinning and for the feeling to return to my face.


A few weeks later, she called with the results.  My bloodwork came back 'funky' - her exact words.  My homocysteine and Protein C levels were a little outside the range of normal but she didn't want to try and interpret those since she wasn't a hematologist.  Of course, I consulted Dr. Google and those are markers for clotting disorders.  I was realllly hoping that it wasn't that particular issue because I knew what that meant.


More needles.  I hate needles.


This past Thursday I went to a hematologist so that he could give me a more accurate read of my levels - although I appreciate my OB, I'd really like a better diagnosis than 'funky' levels.  I was so nervous to have more blood drawn.  I didn't see the point - can't they just do with what they already have?  


The hematologist was really nice and he became nicer in my eyes when he told me that I wouldn't need more blood drawn.  Thank GAWD!  However, it's because he didn't think it would do any good since my levels weren't far enough outside the range of normal to give an accurate diagnosis.  In other words, he didn't know why I was having miscarriages either but he didn't think it was because I have a clotting disorder.  Awesome.


Since I'm losing them so early, there's not a clear indicator as to the proper course of action.  His recommendation is to go ahead with LMWH - low molecular weight heparin.  It's a blood thinner, on the off chance that my body is producing microscopic clots that prevent an embryo from attaching properly or receiving a good oxygen supply.


We left the office with no more answers than before.  The blood thinners are not clearly medically indicated and it's a once-a-day thing for the entire time I would be pregnant.  Needles.  In the lower abdomen - the ute.  Every day for ten months.  I got prollems with that.


However, if I don't take the shots and have another miscarriage, y'all will get a front row seat for my ride to the loony bin because the what ifs will end me - would I have had a fourth loss if I'd done the shots?  Did my inability to man up cost me another child?  Did my selfishness ruin me?  Not pretty to contemplate.


I would have to start the shots the second I get pregnant again.  I'm not looking forward to it and I have an appointment with a fertility specialist to get his take on things.  I just don't feel I have much of a choice because risking another loss is not a gamble I'm willing to take.  I can't be okay with knowing there was something I could have done, even though the early losses mean there's no real way to tell if this is indeed the cause.


I never thought I'd have to answer that question - how bad do you want this?  I never thought I'd have to decide how far I'm willing to go to be a mother.  I know there are countless women that have stood in my exact spot and they have gone to the ends of the earth to have a child, and others that have gracefully accepted their childless fate, and still others who have gone down kicking and screaming but have gone down nonetheless.


Which one is me?  How bad do I want this?  How far will I go?  How many more losses can I endure?  I feel like I'm taking the first step into a battle and I'm still not sure if I'm willing to fight.