My mommy sent me a care package yesterday too. I love my little mommy and hopefully my daughter will one day say that about me!
I love my new t-shirt! Thanks Mom!
I don't know where I'm looking and I hadn't put on makeup yet
but that's okay because today is a good day!
This was yesterday at work - still no cankles!!!
Those tights were agony though - I got many a protesting kick yesterday
at being so constricted. Maternity tights and compression hose here I come!
18w6d - weird face and all
I still have no idea what kind of fruit is inside me and I don't care - all I care about is I'm approaching the halfway mark. I didn't think I'd end up being the chick who takes pictures of her belly but what are you gonna do. Besides, I'm doing this because I've chosen to throw caution to the wind. This blog is about my life and in this moment I'm pregnant and I've decided to get happy about it. A couple months from now could be a very different story and more than ever I understand right now is a gift - that's why they call it the present. Oh yeah, I took it there. I'll be here all week - tip your waitress.
But seriously, the shadow of loss is a constant and you can choose to walk in the shadow and live in fear or acknowledge it and inhale and exhale and be thankful for where you are and for how far you've come. It's a scary choice and I'm afraid sometimes and I've been praying more frequently than ever. I've told God that He's let me get further than I've ever gotten (like He doesn't know), that I will go down in flames if this ends badly (like He doesn't know), and I've asked all extra sweet and nice to please let me get to the finish line with a real-live take home baby.
And that's where I've left it. I've never been that great at the whole 'giving it up to God' thing and really, what human being is? We all want a hand in things, we all want to know that there's something we can do to affect the final outcome in our favor and I'm no exception. I want assurances, promises and guarantees that regarding pregnancy and loss, my emotional pain is over. But that's not the deal - there's not a lot on this Earth we can control and pregnancy/infertility/loss will bring that fact front and center every single day. My soul broke wide open with the miscarriages but today I'm standing, today I'm breathing and for that I'm thankful. More than that, I'm making the choice to be happy.
We bought a crib yesterday - it's our first baby purchase and I was more than a little nervous to hit 'finalize your order.' But I have a choice - get happy or live in fear. It's not an easy choice, but it is simple.
So I'm getting happy.
And then! Rixa Freeze talked about me on her blog today! How cool is that! I know she's a real, normal person who puts her pants on one leg at a time just like me but it still makes me giddy and blush. I doubt we'll ever meet which is probably a good thing because I'd totally embarrass myself and talk too much and too fast and probably freak her out. So it's much better this way. I just can't help but feel like I got a celebrity autograph.
In her comments, there were some that remarked, 'Sure, your Dr says now that she'll turn off the Pitocin but she's lying and also, more likely than not you're going past 40 weeks so you should wrap your brain around a scheduled induction because I've never seen it any other way.' Of course I paraphrase - incidentally what is it about the word 'anonymous' that gives us such big balls? In the old days, people like that would be called yella-bellied cowards. Oh well, at least it wasn't in my house.
But I will respond - I may be happy but I'm still me - C'mon now.
I've prayed and I've given this up to God - if I have to get induced, I get induced. It's not what I prefer and I will exhaustively bargain to get my way, but if that's how it goes down, so be it. I've made the choice to trust my doctor. If she ends up dicking me over, that will be very unfortunate indeed and everyone will know how pissed off I'll be about that. But I will not treat her in a paranoid manner because it's disrespectful. I would get hella pissed off if I said I was going to do something and I wasn't taken at my word when I've given no reason for suspicion. My doctor has given me no reason not to trust her and keep in mind it's also in her best interest to have patients who like her. You can only piss off so many people before it comes back to bite you in the ass and she's not immune just because she's a doctor. So, although her interest is not as vested as mine, this *is* her career too. I'm arming myself with information, I'm asking questions and I won't take anything lying down. I will get big if necessary.
Look me in my face and say I won't.
The things my doctor has said make sense to me. I understand the preference of Pitocin over pills/suppositories - mostly. As with everything, there is always more you can learn but roughly, pills get metabolized however fast your body does it and there's no turning back. Same with suppositories They can take it out, but they can't stop what's already been started and if my body ends up reacting super strongly with just one dose and it sends me into nasty labor there's not a lot they can do about it - from what I understand.
Yet, the bigger point is this is a giant game of what-if. I sure do appreciate opinions that I will go past 40 weeks because it's my first kid but anyone who knows anything, even anecdotal, about birth knows that each one is unique, even the 'textbook' births. To even say that most likely I'll go past 40 weeks is naive at best, kinda dumb at worst. That's not something you can know and even if I do go past, that's not something you can predict. That's why birth is an awesome, wondrous, amazing, humbling, empowering experience.
I've never had a kid - no one knows how *I*, Bunifa Latifa Halifah Sharifa Jackson, will birth my child. (And please Jesus, tell me you got the joke. That's not my name. You guys know me by now, right?)
So let's all take a deep Hypnobreath and ride this wave! No one knows how this is going to play out and you can choose to be terrified or exhilarated by that.
I'm choosing exhilaration - I'm finally entering a space where I'm able to smile and get excited about actually getting to have a baby and be a mother and that's pretty damn cool.
But seriously, the shadow of loss is a constant and you can choose to walk in the shadow and live in fear or acknowledge it and inhale and exhale and be thankful for where you are and for how far you've come. It's a scary choice and I'm afraid sometimes and I've been praying more frequently than ever. I've told God that He's let me get further than I've ever gotten (like He doesn't know), that I will go down in flames if this ends badly (like He doesn't know), and I've asked all extra sweet and nice to please let me get to the finish line with a real-live take home baby.
And that's where I've left it. I've never been that great at the whole 'giving it up to God' thing and really, what human being is? We all want a hand in things, we all want to know that there's something we can do to affect the final outcome in our favor and I'm no exception. I want assurances, promises and guarantees that regarding pregnancy and loss, my emotional pain is over. But that's not the deal - there's not a lot on this Earth we can control and pregnancy/infertility/loss will bring that fact front and center every single day. My soul broke wide open with the miscarriages but today I'm standing, today I'm breathing and for that I'm thankful. More than that, I'm making the choice to be happy.
We bought a crib yesterday - it's our first baby purchase and I was more than a little nervous to hit 'finalize your order.' But I have a choice - get happy or live in fear. It's not an easy choice, but it is simple.
So I'm getting happy.
And then! Rixa Freeze talked about me on her blog today! How cool is that! I know she's a real, normal person who puts her pants on one leg at a time just like me but it still makes me giddy and blush. I doubt we'll ever meet which is probably a good thing because I'd totally embarrass myself and talk too much and too fast and probably freak her out. So it's much better this way. I just can't help but feel like I got a celebrity autograph.
In her comments, there were some that remarked, 'Sure, your Dr says now that she'll turn off the Pitocin but she's lying and also, more likely than not you're going past 40 weeks so you should wrap your brain around a scheduled induction because I've never seen it any other way.' Of course I paraphrase - incidentally what is it about the word 'anonymous' that gives us such big balls? In the old days, people like that would be called yella-bellied cowards. Oh well, at least it wasn't in my house.
But I will respond - I may be happy but I'm still me - C'mon now.
I've prayed and I've given this up to God - if I have to get induced, I get induced. It's not what I prefer and I will exhaustively bargain to get my way, but if that's how it goes down, so be it. I've made the choice to trust my doctor. If she ends up dicking me over, that will be very unfortunate indeed and everyone will know how pissed off I'll be about that. But I will not treat her in a paranoid manner because it's disrespectful. I would get hella pissed off if I said I was going to do something and I wasn't taken at my word when I've given no reason for suspicion. My doctor has given me no reason not to trust her and keep in mind it's also in her best interest to have patients who like her. You can only piss off so many people before it comes back to bite you in the ass and she's not immune just because she's a doctor. So, although her interest is not as vested as mine, this *is* her career too. I'm arming myself with information, I'm asking questions and I won't take anything lying down. I will get big if necessary.
Look me in my face and say I won't.
The things my doctor has said make sense to me. I understand the preference of Pitocin over pills/suppositories - mostly. As with everything, there is always more you can learn but roughly, pills get metabolized however fast your body does it and there's no turning back. Same with suppositories They can take it out, but they can't stop what's already been started and if my body ends up reacting super strongly with just one dose and it sends me into nasty labor there's not a lot they can do about it - from what I understand.
Yet, the bigger point is this is a giant game of what-if. I sure do appreciate opinions that I will go past 40 weeks because it's my first kid but anyone who knows anything, even anecdotal, about birth knows that each one is unique, even the 'textbook' births. To even say that most likely I'll go past 40 weeks is naive at best, kinda dumb at worst. That's not something you can know and even if I do go past, that's not something you can predict. That's why birth is an awesome, wondrous, amazing, humbling, empowering experience.
I've never had a kid - no one knows how *I*, Bunifa Latifa Halifah Sharifa Jackson, will birth my child. (And please Jesus, tell me you got the joke. That's not my name. You guys know me by now, right?)
So let's all take a deep Hypnobreath and ride this wave! No one knows how this is going to play out and you can choose to be terrified or exhilarated by that.
I'm choosing exhilaration - I'm finally entering a space where I'm able to smile and get excited about actually getting to have a baby and be a mother and that's pretty damn cool.
"I didn't think I'd end up being the chick who takes pictures of her belly"---Commmme ON! Its a life! your BABY :) you better keep taking pictures of your belly, its an incredible thing going on in there, and even better when the baby comes out into the outside world. trust me!
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as all this pitocin/going late and all that talk--
no one has ANY clue if you're going to go late. In my experience, moms who say that to you are the bitter ones who went late and were pissed about it. I thought I was late (by one day and 2 hours, lol)--but it turns out she was actually 5 days early (my real due date according to my period, which I miscalculated/and doc changed, etc)--but yea.
So, don't worry.
AND? I had a little tiny drip of pitocin and all was well. Not because I was being "induced" persay, b/c I was totally in labor on my own--but b/c we were just speeding it up a bit. And yea. It worked. Guess what? My baby only has 1 head. 10 fingers. 10 toes. She's totally normal. Oh and perfect ;)
haha.
You will hear SO MUCH "advice" when pregnant. Take it with a grain of salt I say.
ps: your'e looking gorgeeeeous.
Oh and one last thing (bc I just went and read that anon's comment it pissed me off)--My doctors are SUPER well known in my area--like, best of the best. Guess what? My pit was turned off after 2 hours. So? She can shut it.
ReplyDeleteThis makes me so fricking happy. :) I love your honesty, and I can't wait for this baby to come out (you wait your until your time Agent S!!!) hahahaha can't wait to see the crib and nursery progress!!
ReplyDeleteTell 'em! Then go take more pictures of your belly. And maybe eat some grapes. Ooo, and sausage. Can't forget the sausage. And then possibly go pet Mya. Whatever makes you happy! :)
ReplyDeleteSuper excited to see your pics of what you cook!! I baked a new recipe tonight and thought about you!! :-)
ReplyDeleteI smiled when I read this. One, because you are a disguistingly adorable pg chick, and I'm jealous! (Some people just don't "do" pg well, and that would be me!) But also because you bought a crib. That's a big step in the Fear game, and I remember it well. At 26 weeks, my doc had to tell us to go buy things because we had nothing---NADA. I was so traumatized over the infertility that I was pretty sure my happiness would be yanked away before I got the real live baby. Therefore, even at 26 weeks, there I was trying not to get my hopes up. So, I'm proud of you. The crib IS a big step.
ReplyDeleteAnd I'm so happy for you I could burst. :)
Now, I still pray for you and your bebe, and I'm knocking on Heaven's door for one more girl. It's gonna happen for her, too. I just know it!
That's you without makeup? You're stunning!
ReplyDeleteAlso, and because I have no idea, will you need to wear compression hose if you're on the blood thinners?
You have a great outlook. Take one day at a time. After my miscarriage I was so nervous about my pregnancy. We tried not to get excited or anything. I thought anything is possible. But by the time I got to thirty weeks I was like okay it's for real. Enjoy every moment of it cause soon you will be bringing a baby home. I too was nervous when purchasing the crib. I was like well this is one step closer. Be happy, love everyday of your pregnancy, and besides it's an excuse to gain weight & eat whatever you want.
ReplyDeleteWith both my babies I was induced. First 39 weeks and 6 days. And my second I was 41 weeks and of course no epidural. Keep on working on the hypnobabies. The one thing that I liked about the induction (did I just say like, ewww) was that it went by so quick. 7 hrs with my first & 6 hours with my second and the baby popped out. You just have to remind yourself to relax and open (don't know if you got to that section of the C.D's yet). It really works and opens up the cervix. Of course I wanted a birth without pictocin, but when I got past 40 weeks I was a little antsy and felt that it was time because I've heard of so many horror stories of babies past their due dates. My doc's office said they wouldn't let me go past 42 weeks. By the time you get really big, 36 weeks, you will be so ready to get that baby out. Try natural induction methods like walking, sex etc... Of course none of those worked for me.
But it's different for everyone, you do what's best for you.
Next time I think I want to try a birthing center.
I do put my pants on one leg at a time. Even better, you should see me putting on my thigh-high compression hose every morning, especially as my pregnant belly gets bigger and bigger. It's quite the sight. At least they make my legs feel really good (and keep away the cankles!) when I'm wearing them.
ReplyDeleteEven though I've never had a miscarriage, I still have those same feelings of uncertainty with each baby. You do have to choose to just live in the moment and to trust--even as you know that there are no guarantees.
Kind of like being in labor!
Love this post doll!!!!! God is definitely smiling on your decision to breath and embrace. ;)
ReplyDeleteI also think the "late" thing for first time moms is more likely with no complications, etc. My cousin gave birth in August at 39 weeks but she had premature contractions at 6 months. Chile just enjoy the journey. I was hoping you'd turn into belly-pic taking mama, yes!
ReplyDeleteGem
My word verification was 'fightini'. This fits in here somehow.
ReplyDeleteGem
You look amazing! Your pregnancy is yours. No one can tell you how it will "be". Your labor is yours as well. The only one that can change the plan is you and your little one. Trust me, those little ones can be total game changers. Mine was.
ReplyDeleteHi Desiree,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for a little while now. I saw you when you were featured on Curly Nikki, I am natural too and loved your wedding day look especially the shoes, so cute. Anyway just wanted to congratulate you on your pregnancy, welcome to mommyhood
Julia
Hi Desiree,
ReplyDeleteI have been following your blog for a little while now. I saw you when you were featured on Curly Nikki, I am natural too and loved your wedding day look especially the shoes, so cute. Anyway just wanted to congratulate you on your pregnancy, welcome to mommyhood
Julia
"I didn't think I'd end up being the chick who takes pictures of her belly"---Commmme ON! Its a life! your BABY :) you better keep taking pictures of your belly, its an incredible thing going on in there, and even better when the baby comes out into the outside world. trust me!
ReplyDeleteAnd as far as all this pitocin/going late and all that talk--
no one has ANY clue if you're going to go late. In my experience, moms who say that to you are the bitter ones who went late and were pissed about it. I thought I was late (by one day and 2 hours, lol)--but it turns out she was actually 5 days early (my real due date according to my period, which I miscalculated/and doc changed, etc)--but yea.
So, don't worry.
AND? I had a little tiny drip of pitocin and all was well. Not because I was being "induced" persay, b/c I was totally in labor on my own--but b/c we were just speeding it up a bit. And yea. It worked. Guess what? My baby only has 1 head. 10 fingers. 10 toes. She's totally normal. Oh and perfect ;)
haha.
You will hear SO MUCH "advice" when pregnant. Take it with a grain of salt I say.
ps: your'e looking gorgeeeeous.
You have a great outlook. Take one day at a time. After my miscarriage I was so nervous about my pregnancy. We tried not to get excited or anything. I thought anything is possible. But by the time I got to thirty weeks I was like okay it's for real. Enjoy every moment of it cause soon you will be bringing a baby home. I too was nervous when purchasing the crib. I was like well this is one step closer. Be happy, love everyday of your pregnancy, and besides it's an excuse to gain weight & eat whatever you want.
ReplyDeleteWith both my babies I was induced. First 39 weeks and 6 days. And my second I was 41 weeks and of course no epidural. Keep on working on the hypnobabies. The one thing that I liked about the induction (did I just say like, ewww) was that it went by so quick. 7 hrs with my first & 6 hours with my second and the baby popped out. You just have to remind yourself to relax and open (don't know if you got to that section of the C.D's yet). It really works and opens up the cervix. Of course I wanted a birth without pictocin, but when I got past 40 weeks I was a little antsy and felt that it was time because I've heard of so many horror stories of babies past their due dates. My doc's office said they wouldn't let me go past 42 weeks. By the time you get really big, 36 weeks, you will be so ready to get that baby out. Try natural induction methods like walking, sex etc... Of course none of those worked for me.
But it's different for everyone, you do what's best for you.
Next time I think I want to try a birthing center.
Hi,
ReplyDeleteI will like to have my website's link on your website. Something like link exchange.
Whats the procedure to attain it?
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Dhruv
SEO Manager
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