The last 100 days

I was going to be clever and post this when I actually had 100 days left to this pregnancy.  But I missed the date.  And I'm near positive I'm not going to my due date so I had less than 100 days before the actual 100 days mark.  So the title of this post doesn't work at all, but it sounds very profound, like it should have an echo behind it or something so I'm leaving it.  When you read this to yourself, please provide the echo and the forceful male announcer voice.  Thank you.

You know what this is?

These are the baby shower invitations that are going out today.  I just finished addressing them and they are in the mailbox as I type this.  I'm surprised I can actually type this because I'm freaking out.


We had our hospital tour last week.


I did my pre-admission paperwork at the hospital today.


I had my glucose tolerance test today - the one you take right before you enter the third trimester.  


The baby shower invites are gone.  They're mailed.  I can't recall them.  


People, other people, are now going to prepare for a baby.  It's not just me and Drew anymore.  There will soon be a date on other people's calendars - for my baby.  I'm freaking out.


Right after my doctor took my heart tones this morning, the baby gave a big whopper kick that we both saw.  She said, "Huh, she must not like me messing with her."  I'd like to think it was a 'hello, I'm still here' kick.  


I wasn't nervous about the nursery decorations, but the baby shower invites just about sent me over the edge.  I bit Drew's head off last night because I couldn't get the printer to work and I was messing up the invitations, but I couldn't articulate that it wasn't the invitations themselves.  It's never that thing in that moment, is it.  


What if it goes south and we have to cancel?  When people RSVP to my mother, what if she has to tell them that actually, there won't be a shower?  I've ordered decorations, I've purchased favors for our guests, I have the list of food sitting on my desk and I'm nervous to place the actual order.  


Drew and I were so naive - when we found out the first time I immediately called the childbirth class lady and inquired about openings.  I happily sent my deposit to hold our spot in class and I remember the day I had to call and ask for it back because we'd lost the baby.  It was terrible.  Of course, she understood - she'd had three miscarriages of her own so she was very sympathetic but I remember that feeling.


I'm telling myself that I have to shake this - I have to attract positive energy to me all the time.  Every day I say to myself my daughter will live.  I will hold my healthy daughter in my arms on her birth day.  I am excited to meet my daughter.  My daughter will live.  We're all making it through this alive.  Every day I listen to my Positive Pregnancy Affirmations from my Hypnobabies.


There's just something so real about sending out invitations to a baby shower, about scheduling maternity photos.  The same thing happened with the photographer.  I didn't have anything on the books with her but she took our wedding photos so she knew that I was pregnant when we got married.  I emailed her that we lost it before she had a chance to ask and feel awkward but this time I boldly scheduled a maternity shoot with her on Feb. 19th.  


It's happening.  Baby showers, pictures, maternity leave, the waddling.  Yes, I've started waddling.  I swore to myself I wouldn't waddle but some days my hip joints feel like I have jello in them and I swear waddling makes me feel more steady on my feet.  It makes no sense but I've given in to the waddle.  It's not every day and it's not horrible (is what I tell myself) but I waddle.


I'm trying to stay positive and get excited and focus on the good things.  I just can't help but be afraid to let myself want this, to publicly declare to the world that I'm going to have a baby, even though my belly is kind of doing that for me.  I still check every morning that it's still there, nice and round.  I don't dwell on the negative and most of the time I smile.  It was just something about sending out those baby shower invites that sort of shook me.


I can do this.  I'm going to have real live baby and we're going to have a party to celebrate that.
Fear won't take this away from me.  That's why I got the tattoo, right?  So I could remember and be comforted?


I have less than 100 days left.  I, no, WE will make it to the finish line.  All of us.  ALIVE.