Melancholy Bittersweet

I can't believe the weekend is almost here; time is going by so quickly, it doesn't seem like Christmas is next week. This is the first year that I have purposefully spent Christmas away from home. In years past, I have stayed home less than a handful of times and it was due to a lack of funds. However, this year I made a concious decision to stay here in Dallas. It was a somewhat difficult decision but I feel more grown-up for it. My best friend calls me Peter Pan because even though I'm quite responsible and grown-up in most ways, in so many others I'm still quite immature. Not in the tantrum-throwing way, but more 'the world revolves around me alone' way. I am aware of that, I own it and I'm addressing it, but it's not easy.

Drew got me a Christmas tree and it was wonderful decorating it and it brings such a smile to my face every time I plug it in at night. I've never had one before because I was never really home for Christmas. But now, I have to say it warms my heart and makes our apartment feel like home. We hosted Thanksgiving dinner at our place as well and it was a really nice feeling. I enjoyed having the boys over and going to pick out a tree and spend the evening decorating it. The only difference is that I was the host and it was our tree, not my parents. I find myself with conflicting, bittersweet feelings about all that.

On one hand, with the new job, a real boyfriend, and doing all these domestic things I truly feel like I'm entering that grown-up phase in my life. On the other, I feel like I'm no longer and will never again be that young girl needing protection and shelter from her parents. It's been months since I've spoken to my father and while I'm definitely upset about it, I'm not as broken-up as I thought I'd be. It's actually relieving not to have the daily drama. But I wonder at times if this is how it's going to be - stilted, short phone calls on birthdays, dwindling away from even that to nothing at all.

Additionally, I know that this leaving behind is what you have to do to take a step forward. Namely, I will embark on creating a family of my own. That's a scary thought! Although Drew and I are something of a family of our own already it always becomes real when you make it legal or bring a child into the picture - and that's the road we're on.

On a lighter note, my cousin decided that we should do something creative for my mother and aunt for Christmas. In theory, it's a wonderful idea but in reality, I am not in the slightest bit crafty. Drew regularly teases me that I'm a man with breasts because I'm not given over to overly feminine displays of anything. I can't cook, I like simple food, I don't like flowers, chocolate or teddy bears and I'm not super-tolerant. However, I counter him saying I like clothes, shoes and jewelery to which he responds that I'm a gay man. I shrug my shoulders to that one.

However, I have the craft project sitting on the dining room table because it's still unfinished and turned out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be. Regardless, I'm sending on Saturday - that's the goal I've set for myself because I want it out of my hair. It's stressing me out.