I'm moving forward, doing the best that I can

I know it's kind of cheesy to reflect on 2008 but here I am nonetheless. I look back on this year and honestly, I'm suprised that I got through it as well as I did...

Jan 2008 was somewhat anti-climactic for me. I had just graduated college and was embarking on my first foray back into the working world. Being a flight attendant, while work, isn't the same as going to an office every day, sitting in front of a computer. My age and the inconsistency of it lent itself to more of a temporary situation rather than a career. Besides, everything I did up to that point was just until I went to college. Well, then I went to college and experienced that profound 'now-what' syndrome. I went to an amazing school, known for their alumni network. I sincerely thought all I'd have to do at an interview is name-drop SMU and I would be in. Definitely not the case and I was lost because of it. To that point, I'd had a grand total of two jobs in my life, neither of which I really had to work for. Becoming a flight attendant was a matter of filling out the application and moving to Dallas. After that, waiting tables was just another application. All temporary because 'I was going to college!'

I couldn't wait tables one more second but I had no other options so when the opportunity presented itself at my yoga studio to be the manager, I jumped on it. No questions asked. Not the best move. Note to self: When working for friends, remember to treat it as a JOB and stand up for yourself no matter that they're friends. It's still business. That was February.

In March I met my lovely Drew and he is flat out, A-1 wonderful! I do love him so much! April and May were good months; I was working at the yoga studio, Drew and I were in our courtship bubble and all was right with the world. However, as bubbles usually do...

Working at the yoga studio was not paying the bills and I was running out of room on the credit cards paying the difference. I was working morning and night and still coming up short. The stress of not having enough to meet the essentials coupled with the disillusionment I felt at not being able to work my passion caused some very unsettling emotions to simmer. I hit a rolling boil with the start of WWIII with my dad. It was ugly, I cried and felt pain that I had hoped never to feel again. That would is still open. June and July was somewhat of a blur of pain and numbness with spots of brightness to keep me sane. Nothing is ever all good, nothing is ever all bad...

August I moved in with Drew. This was a major milestone, as I had lived alone for four very full years. I established and treasured my independence and mourned its perceived loss. I was moving to HIS house, we weren't moving to a new place together. I gave up what was mine and I was sad about that. I knew I wanted it and I was happy about it but it still hurt and frankly it was scary. If we fought, where would either of us go? We no longer had separate residences, this is the first step.

Additionally, I started my first office job. That was a change as well. I adjusted to everything from wearing shoes to work once again to learning how to operate Microsoft Outlook and the copier/scanner/fax/x-ray machine/printer/spaceship. That thing was ridiculous. I was in over my head, but I was confident that it wouldn't be that way forever. It was great - I had a big girl job, I lived with my boyfriend in a high-rise in the city and we were tossing around the idea of marriage. Cool.

However...

One month after I started, I was fired. Even typing that still hurts. I've never in my life been fired. All the little and big jobs I've had since I was 16 have all been positive experiences for the most part. I have always gotten along with co-workers and bosses and this. was. devastating. I cried for hours. My wonderful Drew got me drunk that night - he's the greatest! The next morning, my ego was still bruised, I had a bit of a headache but I was going to be all right.

We decided that I would not jump back into the restaurant business as he has a 'civilian' job and I would have to work nights and weekends and neither of us wanted that. My wonderful Drew provided for me while I was out of work and between temp jobs and cashing in a small 401k I was able to stay afloat, even though my nose was the only thing above water!

What I didn't count on was the depression. I felt like such a loser, not working! For the first time in my life, I had zero jobs. I was unable to contribute and I did NOT like it! My self-worth plummeted; I never realized I had attached it to being able to work and provide for myself. I began to question myself and question Drew's feelings for me. I felt like he judged me because I was of course judging myself. More fights, more tears.

The second half of September, October, and November I wrestled with these alternating feelings of uselessness, resentment, fear, and disillusionment. I'm smart, I went to a good school and I'm a hard worker - why am I sitting on the sofa watching the 5th hour of the We channel?! Would I ever find a job? I felt guilty for not contributing and sought to 'earn my keep' around the house by keeping it clean. Of course, this added to the resentment as I did not wish to be seen as the maid - poor Drew got an earful if he asked whether or not the laundry had been done. 'You think just because I'm home I'm SUPPOSED to do your laundry? I'm not your maid!' *sigh* It was never about the laundry....

Finally, I got a job December 1st! Thank God! It's not what I expected but it's a job and there's room for growth. I'm thankful I have it in this economy and Thursday marks a month that I've been here so I've almost made it past that hurdle! :-)

And here I am, New Year's Eve. Drew and I are entering a new phase in our relationship, one where I look at him as a potential husband and not a boyfriend, one where he does the same with me. We will talk about our future, our goals, our plans, and I will see us as part of a whole, no longer two individuals sharing space. We will create the foundation for a family and it will be scary and hard but it will be worth it. We won't give up.

Happy New Year