Marriage enrichment

Today is my parent's  35th wedding anniversary.  They should get a medal!

From the invitation for their 30th anniversary party.

That bowtie was the hotness!

My parents taught me through example that marriage is not all sunshine and roses and never having to say you're sorry.  They taught me that marriage vows are to be taken seriously and are to be honored especially when you don't feel like it.  I learned that you don't quit or give up just because you don't feel like being married that day, that marriage is all the time and forever.  They did the best with what they had and it wasn't always smooth, but they stuck it out and that's what's most important.  Because of them, I entered marriage with no false notions or fantasies of a perfect man, a knight in shining armor.  I knew it wouldn't be easy but because of them, I knew it was worth it.  I'm so proud of my parents!

But can I join the club and say marriage is hard!  Those that say marriage is not for the faint of heart are not joking!  It's one thing to say that you'll honor your vows, quite another to put it in practice.  Drew and I have been in rough waters lately and we've been fighting to stay afloat.  Our poor little marriage has been sorely tested in these early months and it's been wearing on both of us.  Dealing with the miscarriages, my job loss, his travel (he's gone 22 days a month!), wondering if and when and now where we're going to move, has become quite a burden.  We were teetering on the brink but thankfully we've gotten enough footing that we're not in as much jeopardy as before.  We both agreed that we needed to do something, and fast.

My chief complaint is the lack of quality time together.  We don't talk that much when he's on the road and when he's home, he just wants to shut down.  While I don't blame him and understand that he's got a lot on his plate, I can't help but patiently ask yell "What about me?  What about us??"  Thankfully, we're going on vacation in July and I'm counting the days that I'll have him to myself, with no dog, no housework, no yardwork and no people to steal our time together.  It'll be just the two of us and no one else unless we choose.  It couldn't have come at a better time, as we were getting to the end of our rope.  We're also going to visit Nate and Julie at their new home in North Carolina, which also promises to be a fun time.  July can't get here soon enough!

In the meantime, we sought out other activities that we could do as a couple to strengthen our bond - Drew suggested golf and chess.  I've never done either, but in the name of marriage enrichment I was game.  Besides, I was really happy that Drew was taking initiative and suggesting things we could do, rather than silently following my lead.  

We bought an inexpensive chess board at Target and I sat down Friday night to learn the basics of chess.  I'd forgotten what it was like to suck at something new and how painful the learning process is - it's been a long time since I tried a completely new activity.  Over and over again, Drew beat me, calling out "Check!  Check!  Check!" every time he was about to win.  I finally told him to say something else because I was getting angry.  I'm not competitive by nature, but even I don't like to suck that badly.  I'm sure Drew is no chess master but against a complete novice like me, he might as well have been Bobby Fischer.  It was pissing me off and I wanted to quit.  However, we are learning how to do things together and chess is a fun game as long as you're not playing against someone with ten times more skill than you.  I hung in there, but I had to stop after he beat me five times in a row in less than ten minutes.  It wasn't exactly what I had in mind - pitting us against each other, no matter how innocently, isn't the smoothest path to marital harmony.  But it was a step and it counted.  

Drew's other idea is that we try golf.  I wasn't super enthusiastic given that I've never swung a club in my life and he was on the golf team in high school, but I have to admit it was really cute to see how excited he got.  He called the place and made all the arrangements, practically jumping out of bed Sunday morning - even more so than usual.  We went to the driving range with the idea that maybe we'll play a real round of golf on vacation.  At least this time we weren't competing so I felt better about it.

Let's just say I won't be investing in my own clubs anytime soon.  There were plenty of times that I lined up, swung and completely missed the ball.  I felt like a total idiot but I reminded myself that I was here with my husband and that we were strengthening our marriage.  Only by the grace of God was I able to actually make contact with a few balls so I wasn't totally annoyed - the Bloody Marys helped soothe my bruised ego as well.

Drew demonstrating how to hit the ball really far.

I don't look like that when I hit it.

I haven't been married for long but so far I've learned that a marriage is an entity unto itself that must be nourished and cared for independent of the two people involved.  It will not take care of itself and it will most certainly die if it is ignored.  In the name of marriage, I took huge steps outside my comfort zone this weekend.  I didn't do it gracefully and I would have felt better doing something I was good at, but you can't grow that way and you'll become very boring very quickly if you never try anything new.

In the meantime, I'm going back to the driving range by myself and looking up chess tips online - I may never become a chess master or a world-class golfer, but the least I can do is be a worthy opponent.  It's no fun having your ass handed to you, by your husband or anyone else.

Besides, I will sweetly remind him of these times when I sign us up for ballroom dancing classes!