The Ergo and a cup of wine

Hey I've got a funny joke for you:  Who has two thumbs and should *NOT* have stopped taking her Zoloft?  THIS GUY!  Desiree Wynn, nice ta meetcha.


What a day.  Good LORD what a day.  Let's start with the most fun part.


I thought I was pregnant.


According to the start date of the spotting I had when we were on vacation, I should have started my period on Monday.  Oh PS, I'm probably just going to type a bunch of words and not link to previous posts or put pretty pictures because we're not going to talk about how many times I refilled my cup of wine.


So the spotting on June 10th.  Well, me and the hubs had relations, shared the marital bed, did the bow chicka wow wow on a day when I was to have ovulated.  I didn't realize until I checked the app on my phone (there's an app for that)  and was like, Oh SHit.  The last thing in the world I needed was to get pregged up just as we sell our house and move and I start DIY-ing everything, so OF COURSE I was preg.


Except I wasn't.  I mean, I'm not.  And I'm surprisingly disappointed.  Which has me all fucked up the head because now is NOT the time.  I don't want to drink the water, remember?  But when I saw the 'not pregnant' on the test, my heart did a little sinking flip flop, which then colored the rest of my day even though I didn't want it to.  Nor did I want my brain to spin out and get all loud with thoughts of secondary infertility and what if I *can't* have any more kids, but wait maybe I do want more kids, how come I'm not pregnant, oh god my body *is* broken, everything sucks.  And more stuff like that.  So that was awesome.


THEN, the appraisal on the house is tomorrow morning.  More stress because it's the next step and what if the appraiser says our house isn't worth what we're asking for and the buyers walk away and then we're back at square one and we *don't* get to be together as a family and this bullshit keeps on going.  And then Drew was like, 'let's clean the house all super sparkly so the appraiser says our house is worth like a million dollars and the buyers pee themselves because they're so happy they're getting such a great deal' except there's no let's in this particular game.  It's 'Desiree you clean the house while wrangling a busy toddler who's teething her face off.'


Because yeah, my kid is a holy terror because of the teething.  REmember when I wrote that post that teeth are overrated?  They are SO fucking overrated.  I took her to school today because we leave town tomorrow, thinking I was going to get so much done.  No dog, no baby, I was going to be Superwoman.  Except I wasn't.  What happened to my day?  I swear, it was like I dropped her off, did a load of laundry and had to turn right around to pick her up.


Then I picked her up and her teacher was all, 'she didn't eat her lunch.'  Mommy guilt heartSTAB.


'She only napped for 30 minutes.'  heartSTAB


'She didn't poop.'  heartSTAB because my kid is the most regular kid on the block.  I can almost time her morning and evening deuce and the only time it doesn't happen is if she's stressed.  HeartdoubleSTAB


'She cried off and on all day.' STABmyfacekillmenow


So of course I was questioning my life as I drove her home, wondering if this mother's day out program is even worth it, because she obviously hates it and probably hates me for leaving her.  I held her extra close and promptly fed her when we got home and she ate like she had never seen food in her life.  Seriously, call CPS and take her from me because I suck as a mother.  Wait, don't take her from me because I'll die.  But God, what's the point of taking her to this place if it's jacking her all up?


She nursed and slept like she'd been waiting to do just that all day so I was scraping the bottom at that point.


Then she woke up with new life, just in time for me to realize how little time I have to get everything done.


Clean the living room, that it took her 2.5 seconds to demolish.
Finish the laundry.
Mop the kitchen floor. (I actually got that one done.)
Try and get her to eat dinner. 
OH YEAH, pack for our trip tomorrow!  NBD
Clean the house so the appraiser says it's worth a million dollars.


Did you know that toddlers can destroy your will to live with just a few well timed screams?  Because they can.  And Sofia was ready to make me pay for leaving her with the monsters at Mother's Day Out.  PS, they're not monsters but by the way she'd scream if I put her down, got more than two inches away from her, or dared to break eye contact with her, oh yeah, they were monsters.


I got more and more anxious as the thoughts of all the stuff I had to do before we leave tomorrow swirled around my head.  But if I put her down, she screamed like her very soul was on fire and she was being eaten by twelve limbed demons all at once.  And you may be a better man than me, but I cannot take that shit.  It shreds my nerves and I can't remember my name.


Which is how she ended up strapped in the Ergo and I ended up with a small cup of wine in my hand as we walked around the darkened house.  It was a small cup and again, we're not going to talk about how often it got refilled.


But I'm slowly calming down.  And guess what, the appraiser can suck my balls because I'm leaving dirty dishes in the sink.  I am one person.  And sometimes I can't do it all.  Sometimes all I can do is walk around the house with my baby and a cup of wine, because PS she refused to nurse so the wine was A-OK.  She's either weaning or was too agitated to nurse, which is real frickin agitated because the kid will nurse anytime anyplace.  


At any rate, she finally fell asleep and I'm so rattled I had to sit down at the computer with my SMALL cup of wine and calm the F down.


Today was a real I Suck As A Mother day.


And I still have to pack.