I'm so crafty; you already know

Guys, I'm kind of obsessed with Iggy Azalea right now, so please humor me when you read the title of this post and do it like this.  Then please hum the song for the rest of the day and you'll be inside my head.

Once again, I'm on my own and solo parenting.  Drew is in China right now, working but also doing cool stuff like walking the Great Wall.

He said it didn't even look real and I definitely agree with him.

The travel is hard on all of us, but it helps to have perks like this to make it worthwhile.  Seeing the Great Wall is one of the things on his bucket list, so I'm super happy for him that he got to cross it off.  Plus, he's been able to Face Time with us every day so it doesn't feel like he's halfway across the world.  I don't think about it too much, because it actually makes me nervous; this the first time he's gone this far and for whatever reason, Europe is less scary than China.  

At any rate, he's doing fun stuff over there and I'm doing fun stuff here too.  It's no Great Wall, but I got to cross some things off of my own list.  My mom has been here for the past week and it's been really great.  We've had some rough patches in the past so it's been nice to reconnect with her and spend some quality time together.  Plus, she's been an amazing help and I'm so incredibly grateful to her and I'm so glad she gets to spend time with her granddaughters.  It totally warms my heart when Sofia calls out "Grandma!" and runs to give her a bear hug and seeing Andrea smile when my mom makes the googly sounds to her is super cute.

So, with my mom on baby duty, I got to putter around with my own great walls, that is, the walls of my house.  Ooohhh, I'm, so, PUN-NY.  You already kno-ow!

Let's start in the living room because it's gone through like twenty incarnations.

In the time of the blue rug, that far wall looked like that.

Then we moved the wine rack, with disastrous results.

We played around with seating because we only had the sofa.

Unfortunately, this felt too closed in on this side, and closed in doesn't

work with a toddler who runs everywhere she goes.
Plus, you can see how the blue rug was too small for the room.

Then we moved into the Striped Rug era, 

and the awesome green chair replaced the wine rack.
*And*, you can see that the striped rug is too big and sloppy for the room.
See, I don't just buy rugs for fun.  I'm learning here, people!

The green chair was a great Craigslist find, but the arms of the chair and sofa made the computer area feel cramped.  We'd have to shimmy to get back to the computer and it was a pain.  It turned into one of those things where we'd complain every time we had to get back there but we never did anything about it.  Enter the Gray Rug period.

Mid-furniture rearrangement.

The other green chair's lack of arms helped but it still wasn't working.
This rug is a better size, not too big, not too small.
I'm just not sure about the color...
I kid, I kid!

The bench filled that nook much better and as soon as 

I recover it with a cool fabric, it'll be perfect.

You saw this one; the green chair is now on the other side of the living room.

If you squint your eyes and look past the kid clutter, 

maybe you'll notice the green in the pictures on the wall?

That brings us to the present.  I liked the living room setup but I wasn't done.  We don't have a lot of surfaces to put stuff so the surfaces we have tends to get overloaded.  So with my mom here, I called my friend's brother to come over and hang some stuff and saw some other stuff because I won't use the miter saw.  I would most definitely lose a finger, if my crafting history is any indication.

I moved my bullfighting poster to the other wall and had my mom

take a picture to see how it would look.

We took a field trip to Ikea and I got a Lack shelf and I tried it on this wall too.

In the end, this is the current incarnation of the living room wall.

The shelf is high enough so whoever is sitting on the bench doesn't feel smooshed

and I have a place to put stuff.

I'm going to get some more throw pillows to tie everything together and I think it'll work out nicely.

Moving on to the next wall...

I finally finished the gallery wall!

It sure is a good thing this isn't a photography blog.

I got all three from Etsy and I really liked how it all turned out.

Then I needed something for the wall left of the dots.

Whatever it was, I wanted it to be big.  I had the grouping on the other wall so I figured I needed one big thing to balance it.  During a late night nursing session, I found my inspiration on Pinterest (I won't say Pinspiration; smack me if I say Pinspiration.)

This from here

Glitter makes everything better.

I took a guess at the colors, bought a canvas, glitter and glue

and got to painting while the baby took a nap and my mom played PlayDoh with Sofia.

The colors aren't exact but I think it'll do.

Then my friend's brother built me a frame using this tutorial.

PS, read every word of that blog.  It's hilarious.

My cheapie canvas looks totally legit with a frame now!

Next up is Sofia's wall and her clippie situation.  Much like my jewelry storage situation in the past, her hair clips were getting out of control.

My jewelry.

Her clippies.

I also find clippies in my pockets, in the car, in my diaper bag.

They're everywhere and I can't keep up.

During another naptime, Ryan built me another frame. I spray painted it white along with some leftover hooks and he screwed them into the top of the frame.  Then he took the green ribbon and stretched them across, while I was painting the nursery frame.

Et voila! Sofia has a clippie and headband holder!

I've been wanting one forever and it's finally crossed off the list.

I'm not sure which wall will get this but the jumble on the dresser is history.

Here she is, all loaded up!

I ended up putting it in the Bathroom of Hate because

Sofia really doesn't have any more wall space in her room.

Besides, it's probably about time I did something with the bathroom

so I don't hate it anymore.

I can get a ruffly shower curtain and really make it a girly bathroom.

Hmmmm....

Aside from the wood for the frames and the Lack shelf, I already had everything laying around the house, I was just never able to get it sorted and organized.  I'm so thrilled to have these little projects done and it feels so good.  AND, I get to blog about it; I'm thriving, my friends!

I tell you what, having help makes all the difference in the world.  I feel rested, capable and not frazzled at all.  Of course, my mom leaves tomorrow so please stay tuned for a Woman on the Verge post, because Drew is going to be gone for ANOTHER nine days.  And we're going on vacation right after that, so it's up to me to do all the vacation prep.

As much as I don't want to bring this much stuff,

with two kids I don't really see how to *keep* from 

bringing this much stuff.

Good times.

Our bedroom walls are still pretty bare but I got some more frames at Ikea and I just have to put pictures in them and get them hung, and I'll have one more thing crossed off my list.  Like I said, it's no Great Wall but it makes me happy so it counts.

Ok, the baby's calling me but as always, thank you for visiting and emailing and commenting and being there.  I appreciate you!

Precious moments

Today was Mother's Day at Sofia's school.  She made presents for us that totally made me cry and it was so cool to spend time with her.  I got to enjoy her, I was completely present and it felt so good.

I'm gearing up for another long solo-parenting stint and I'm not looking forward to it at all, not one tiny bit.  However, this is just my life and that's all there is to that.  My mom is coming in town to lend a hand and I'm going to have our babysitter come in to help as well.  Previously, I didn't want to have any help because I felt like this was my job and it reflected poorly on me if I couldn't hack it.  

I've since seen the light.

I can't do everything and I certainly can't do it all alone.  I need help; not a ton but an extra set of hands on occasion will save my sanity and it doesn't mean that I'm not busting my tail or that I'm not a good mom.  It just means I can't be everywhere and do everything and that's ok.  So I'm having people clean my house and I will be paying someone to come hang out with Sofia while I catch my breath.  That way I can be the best mother I can be.

I am so blessed to be their mother and they deserve only the best.

And if that means I get a mother's helper so I can smile more often, then so be it.

They're worth it.

Happy Mother's Day, my friends.

Who am I kidding?

You guys, I'm so sorry for that last post.  It was absolute shit.  I apologize to the handful of you who read it and I apologize to the handful who may read this one.  God, some days I wonder if I should just hang up the blogging thing all together.  I was much more interesting and funny back in the day.  Now, I'm just boring and frazzled.

I tried not to write about what was really on my mind, but I've noticed that every time I do that, whatever I do end up writing about is absolute shit.  I'm just no good at lying.  And actually I don't suppose it's lying but it's definitely not telling the whole truth.

Yes, I bought a rug and yes I actually do like it a lot and I do love decorating and I would like to write about that stuff but really?  I'm feeling overwhelmed and pent up and when I feel that way, it does no good to try and deny it.  

I know I sound like a broken record and I can remember several posts I've written where I'm all Being a mom is hard!  I'm sick of myself, but damn, this shit is hard.

I'm wracked with self-doubt:  Is it this hard for everyone?  Or am I the only one who's not doing it right and it could be easier?  I try to be objective about it - I don't expect my three year old to know calculus or Mozart.  Hell, we've even given up on potty-training completely and totally.  She's even in disposable pull-ups!  I wanted to keep her in cloth but once in a blue moon she wants to pee in the potty and she needs to be able to pull her own pants down and you can't do that with cloth.  Honestly, she's happier and that's all that matters but I'm mentally preparing myself for being the only mom around with a kid in kindergarten who's not potty-trained.  I know they say that one day they just get it and you can't force them and blah blah blah, but I'm not convinced.  Not that I have any experience potty-training anyone, but my beautiful baby has less than zero interest in doing anything but shitting her pants, bless her heart.  

Ahh see, it's working.  Real writing just made me crack a smile.  That's what I needed.  Let's see what else is in here....
........................

Is there some way to find a support group for wives with husbands who aren't around?  There's got to be something out there like that, right?  I'm not talking military wives because I know I don't belong in that group.  That's a whole different level of holding it down.  Those women don't know if their husbands are even alive or not and I wouldn't dare ever compare my situation to theirs.  I just want to talk to other women who know that their husbands are alive, they're just not home and they have to do a lot of things by themselves.  

Because the travel is hard, on all of us.  I have to leave notes around the house because he doesn't know how things go around here and Sofia is in the prime place where routine is paramount.  Deviate from the schedule at your own risk.  Actually, don't deviate from the schedule because then I'll have a demon on my hands and dealing with a demon makes me want to run away from home.  So just stick to the routine and obey the schedule for the few hours that you're home, please and thank you.
.............................

I'm jealous.  I hate being jealous - it's a worthless emotion.  If you want something someone else has, go out and get it.  If you can't get it, make your peace with your present situation and let it go.  Those are the only two options - jealousy has no place in the world.  

Yet I'm jealous.  I'm jealous of moms with potty-trained kids.  I'm jealous of wives whose husbands are home every night and are parenting teams, where one does the bath and the other does the teeth brushing or whatever it is.  I'm jealous of the ones who don't have to do it alone.

I'm jealous of the women who take girls trips.  I've wanted to take a girls trip since forever.  I've never done that and I think it would be so much fun.  One of my Facebook friends is on a girls trip right now and I'm positively sick with jealousy.  They look like they're having so much fun.  I wish I could do that.
........................

Then again, could I be okay being away from my babies?  Probably not.  Whenever I get overwhelmed, Drew is right there, telling me to get out of the house, get away, go have a glass of wine at the restaurant up the street.  But I don't want to.  I want to be home.  I want to take a shower and do my hair without interruptions.  What I *really* want is for *them* to leave *me* alone in my own home.  I want to sit on the sofa and watch like ten design shows back to back without anyone asking me to do anything, without anyone crawling on me, taking the pillow from under my arm, drinking my drink, without anyone talking during mah programs!

Aww, there's another smile...
......................

I love my babies.  I love them so much it takes my breath away and I hate that I get so overwhelmed sometimes because I feel like it prevents me from truly enjoying them.  It's like being thirsty and being given the sweetest most wonderful nectar of the gods.  You want to savor every drop because it's just that good.  But no matter how wonderful the drink, when it's being blasted at your face with the strength of a fire hose, it gets a little difficult to enjoy and there's not much savoring.  You're just trying not to drown in the nectar.  I hate that.  My kids are the sweetest gift in the whole world and I want nothing more than to savor them because I swear to fucking God, I know it goes by quickly.  I don't know what it is with the world, but I've had like five random people tell me to enjoy my kids because it goes by soooo quickly.  Like I don't fucking know that.  It's just hard to enjoy when you feel like you're drowning and I'm begging whoever it is on the other end of the fire hose to just turn it down a pinch so I can enjoy this for fuck's sake.  Just give me a few of days without cooking and cleaning and laundry so I can just roll around on the floor with them.  Just a little bit of breathing room so we can run around and look for fairies and butterflies.

Because I know it's going to be over before I know it.  That's the cruelty of the fire hose.  You get blasted and you're choking and you can't breathe and you're gasping and then it's over and it'll never happen again and you find yourself shaking the hose wishing just a drop of yesterday would come out.  I'm so painfully aware of that.

So I wonder what I'm doing wrong.  Why no one else around me appears to be drowning.  Why everyone magically has clean clothes and dishes and a fridge full of food all the time.  What am I doing wrong?  Do I need to run a tighter ship?  Do I need to wake up earlier?  Do I need to make more lists?  What's the secret and how can I join the club?  Where's the balance?  No seriously, what am I doing wrong?

Well for one thing, I'm blogging when I should be emptying the dishwasher and folding clothes and making a grocery list and vacuuming the dog hair and picking up the toys. *sigh*  I guess I should go.

Okay, but I do feel a teensy bit better.  I've really got to stop putting on a happy face here.  This is my only space where I can be fully authentic and let it all hang out.  That's the purpose of this space for me and I need to keep it as such.  I'll put on a happy face for the rest of the world but this needs to stay real.

I am happy with my rug though.  

I think.....

I may need to get another one just to be sure. 

I can quit any time I want

Let's see if I can do this...


Andrea has entered her season where she wants to be close to me at all times for all things.  I'm trying to frame things in a positive way:  reminding myself that this is just a season, telling myself that she wants to be close to me, rather than pulling my hair out that this kid won't let me put her down!

I mean, she wants to be close to me.  It's just a season.

I wish I could do nothing but hold her and lay in bed and nurse her all day.  I want to be close to her too.  I want to bond with her like I did with Sofia.  But I can't and I feel guilty that I'm not giving her everything I gave Sofia in her infancy.  I may even have to cut this post short because I put her in the swing because I'm twitching because I want to write but she's starting to fuss.

But this isn't the old days and I have no village.  Instead, I have dishes and laundry and meals to make and emails to answer and a house to clean and another child to tend to and a baby who won't let me put her down.

I wear her as often as I can, but 90% of what I have to do (laundry, dishes, picking up toys every second of my life) involves bending down and that's not easily done with a baby strapped to your chest.  Hands-free becomes one-handed when you have to support their head from flopping whenever you bend down to unload the dishwasher, put clothes in the dryer or pick up toys every second of your life.  And I have mentioned that I'm going to be on my own again?  For two solid weeks?!  No seriously, where's my village?

I love this sentiment, I really do.

But what happens when tomorrow comes and there's no food

in the house because you were rocking your baby 

when you were supposed to be grocery shopping?  

Or there are no clean clothes because you haven't done laundry?

Or you're about to scream because you've rocked your baby for what

seems like forever and you really just want to do something else right quick?

What then?

PS, dust and cobwebs don't sleep or settle down; the only thing they do is multiply.

Whatever.  Let me stop complaining.  Lots of moms have it much harder than I do.  Of course, even as I say that I get pissed off.  Just because other moms have it harder, does that mean I have no right to say that it's hard for me?  That can't be right.  Ugh.  Let me stop.  Let's look at pictures.  I've been wanting to share this stuff for ages but I haven't been able to because I'm rocking babies, nursing, playing with sidewalk chalk and picking up toys every second of my life.

I'm not addicted to rugs.

I can quit any time I want.

This was our last rug incarnation.  I went with a flatweave this time because I wanted something durable and wouldn't stink quickly.  Flatweaves are both of those things but they're also thin.  I liked the rug style but I hated how thin it was.  It was a glorified blanket and those wrinkles were a constant pain in the ass.  I tried to make it work because I was on thin ice with Drew with all the rug buying I was doing.

Plus, I felt like I needed to edit.  For example, there's no red in the living room - 

why did I get a rug with red in it?

It was also a little too big for the room because I only eyeballed the measurements.

I even took the rug to Carpet Mart and had them cut some off the length

to make a runner for the laundry room.  But the carpet tape they sold me was worthless

and every time Maya would run in from outside, this is what I ended up with.

Plus, Maya made it her chewing blanket in no time.

I wanted to start over.  I wanted to edit and use what I've learned about rugs.  Namely, I needed something thicker than a flatweave.  We spend a lot of time on the living room floor and a blanket type rug was not cutting it.  It also needed to be smaller.  The striped rug was a 10x14, trimmed to a 10x12.  That was too big for the room; a lot of the rug got bunched up under the sofa and dog bed.  

This one was an 8x10 and it was a pinch too small.

I don't know if I got it right with this one but 

the size is good.

This one is just shy of a 9x12.  I get all my rugs from RugsUSA and they're very inexpensive, which is good for someone with a rug fetish like I do.  But they're weird sizes - this one is 8'3"x11, which is actually a good size for our living room.  It's not lost under the sofa and it stops just in front of the dog bed.  Since it doesn't go all the way under the mirrored buffet, your eye stops at the edge of the rug and the cords underneath the buffet aren't as noticeable.  And it's nice and plush, which we all love.

  Drew knows I worship at the altar of Jeff Lewis and he brought me 

some Jeff Lewis flowers.  (Click the link and look at the Tujunga picture - see!)

Of course since this is real life and we can't have nice things, I quickly

put the flowers on the dining room table so the small person

wouldn't destroy them.

Also, real life dictates that you have a kitchen, easel and Learning Tower in your living room.

However, I try my best to make things look as design-y as possible and eventually I would like to sew a new dog bed in a solid neutral fabric since the the print competes with the rug.  I'm thinking a canvas dropcloth with gray piping - that would be nice.  Of course, that's saying I'll ever find the time to sew a new dog bed but a girl can dream.  I'd also like a slipcover for the sofa since I have fifty shades of gray going on, but at least there's no red in here now.  

I love this look.  I'll get it right one day.

source

The striped rug is now outside on the patio and 

I officially have run out of places to put rugs.

But!  It makes more sense out here because the red in the rug ties into the red of the chairs.

It hides the ugly concrete and the kids have a softer place to sit.  

Even Drew said he liked it!

Okay, that's my time.  Andrea has officially declared that she is done with the baby swing so I have to go.  But yeah, I bought another rug and I wanted to show you.  

Back to rocking my baby....