I tried not to write about what was really on my mind, but I've noticed that every time I do that, whatever I do end up writing about is absolute shit. I'm just no good at lying. And actually I don't suppose it's lying but it's definitely not telling the whole truth.
Yes, I bought a rug and yes I actually do like it a lot and I do love decorating and I would like to write about that stuff but really? I'm feeling overwhelmed and pent up and when I feel that way, it does no good to try and deny it.
I know I sound like a broken record and I can remember several posts I've written where I'm all Being a mom is hard! I'm sick of myself, but damn, this shit is hard.
I'm wracked with self-doubt: Is it this hard for everyone? Or am I the only one who's not doing it right and it could be easier? I try to be objective about it - I don't expect my three year old to know calculus or Mozart. Hell, we've even given up on potty-training completely and totally. She's even in disposable pull-ups! I wanted to keep her in cloth but once in a blue moon she wants to pee in the potty and she needs to be able to pull her own pants down and you can't do that with cloth. Honestly, she's happier and that's all that matters but I'm mentally preparing myself for being the only mom around with a kid in kindergarten who's not potty-trained. I know they say that one day they just get it and you can't force them and blah blah blah, but I'm not convinced. Not that I have any experience potty-training anyone, but my beautiful baby has less than zero interest in doing anything but shitting her pants, bless her heart.
Ahh see, it's working. Real writing just made me crack a smile. That's what I needed. Let's see what else is in here....
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Is there some way to find a support group for wives with husbands who aren't around? There's got to be something out there like that, right? I'm not talking military wives because I know I don't belong in that group. That's a whole different level of holding it down. Those women don't know if their husbands are even alive or not and I wouldn't dare ever compare my situation to theirs. I just want to talk to other women who know that their husbands are alive, they're just not home and they have to do a lot of things by themselves.
Because the travel is hard, on all of us. I have to leave notes around the house because he doesn't know how things go around here and Sofia is in the prime place where routine is paramount. Deviate from the schedule at your own risk. Actually, don't deviate from the schedule because then I'll have a demon on my hands and dealing with a demon makes me want to run away from home. So just stick to the routine and obey the schedule for the few hours that you're home, please and thank you.
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I'm jealous. I hate being jealous - it's a worthless emotion. If you want something someone else has, go out and get it. If you can't get it, make your peace with your present situation and let it go. Those are the only two options - jealousy has no place in the world.
Yet I'm jealous. I'm jealous of moms with potty-trained kids. I'm jealous of wives whose husbands are home every night and are parenting teams, where one does the bath and the other does the teeth brushing or whatever it is. I'm jealous of the ones who don't have to do it alone.
I'm jealous of the women who take girls trips. I've wanted to take a girls trip since forever. I've never done that and I think it would be so much fun. One of my Facebook friends is on a girls trip right now and I'm positively sick with jealousy. They look like they're having so much fun. I wish I could do that.
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Then again, could I be okay being away from my babies? Probably not. Whenever I get overwhelmed, Drew is right there, telling me to get out of the house, get away, go have a glass of wine at the restaurant up the street. But I don't want to. I want to be home. I want to take a shower and do my hair without interruptions. What I *really* want is for *them* to leave *me* alone in my own home. I want to sit on the sofa and watch like ten design shows back to back without anyone asking me to do anything, without anyone crawling on me, taking the pillow from under my arm, drinking my drink, without anyone talking during mah programs!
Aww, there's another smile...
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I love my babies. I love them so much it takes my breath away and I hate that I get so overwhelmed sometimes because I feel like it prevents me from truly enjoying them. It's like being thirsty and being given the sweetest most wonderful nectar of the gods. You want to savor every drop because it's just that good. But no matter how wonderful the drink, when it's being blasted at your face with the strength of a fire hose, it gets a little difficult to enjoy and there's not much savoring. You're just trying not to drown in the nectar. I hate that. My kids are the sweetest gift in the whole world and I want nothing more than to savor them because I swear to fucking God, I know it goes by quickly. I don't know what it is with the world, but I've had like five random people tell me to enjoy my kids because it goes by soooo quickly. Like I don't fucking know that. It's just hard to enjoy when you feel like you're drowning and I'm begging whoever it is on the other end of the fire hose to just turn it down a pinch so I can enjoy this for fuck's sake. Just give me a few of days without cooking and cleaning and laundry so I can just roll around on the floor with them. Just a little bit of breathing room so we can run around and look for fairies and butterflies.
Because I know it's going to be over before I know it. That's the cruelty of the fire hose. You get blasted and you're choking and you can't breathe and you're gasping and then it's over and it'll never happen again and you find yourself shaking the hose wishing just a drop of yesterday would come out. I'm so painfully aware of that.
So I wonder what I'm doing wrong. Why no one else around me appears to be drowning. Why everyone magically has clean clothes and dishes and a fridge full of food all the time. What am I doing wrong? Do I need to run a tighter ship? Do I need to wake up earlier? Do I need to make more lists? What's the secret and how can I join the club? Where's the balance? No seriously, what am I doing wrong?
Well for one thing, I'm blogging when I should be emptying the dishwasher and folding clothes and making a grocery list and vacuuming the dog hair and picking up the toys. *sigh* I guess I should go.
Okay, but I do feel a teensy bit better. I've really got to stop putting on a happy face here. This is my only space where I can be fully authentic and let it all hang out. That's the purpose of this space for me and I need to keep it as such. I'll put on a happy face for the rest of the world but this needs to stay real.
I am happy with my rug though.
I think.....
I may need to get another one just to be sure.
Potty training is over-rated. Think about how shitty it would be to finally get your ass out of the house to go to Target with the two kids. You get A all strapped up in the car seat. Leave her in the foyer while you put S in her car seat. Run back to the house to get A. Put her in the car. Realize you have forgotten to lock the door. Run back to do that. Finally you pull out of the driveway, realize you forgot your f'ing coffee but that is okay because thank god Target has a Starbucks...
ReplyDeleteYou are half way there when S says "I have to go pee'.
What the F do you do then?!
Anyways - I hope I'm not stunting my son's growth, but I have NO interest in potty training him anytime soon. Here's a diaper son. Pee away. :-)
PS I've heard potty training with a newborn in the house is an exercise in futility. So just let it go for the next while!!
GIRL! I feel you 1000%. You are not doing anything wrong. Single parenting is hard! God bless those that actually ARE single parents, because having two adults around is better than one. Point blank.
ReplyDeleteHave you guys thought of hiring a mommy's helper? I say that because, although my husband doesn't travel, he works. A LOT. And as soon as I get off work, I'm the one with the kids 95% of the time. Which = no free time for me.
Which wouldn't really be a problem except, I, too want to be able to actually get things done around my house without being constantly interrupted. But, I still want to be around my kids and make sure their needs tended to rather than hiring a babysitter and getting ghost.
There are services that cost an arm and a leg for a professional nanny/helper , but if we ever have a third kid, I already told my husband that I'm gonna need some $ for a college student (preferably a child development major) who can come at least 3 days a week and just provide an extra set of competent hands to pitch in and back me up when he's not available.
I know it's another expense, but just like monthly maid service, it can be a life-saver. Our sanity is priceless.
On a lighter note, here's a book that I thought of when I read your post: http://bookstore.xlibris.com/Products/SKU-0077350037/I-Am-Not-An-Octopus.aspx
Amen. Yes, its hard. Yes, there is guilt for not enjoying every moment. But I'm jealous of you because you get to stay home. Then I feel guilty and I think its my fault for "needing" a certain lifestyle where I'm required to work. Then I think of 1000 more reasons to feel guilty. Oh and don't worry. I have a shitty 2y8m old and I don't even try to potty train him bcz apparently he likes shitting himself and then will walk around with it until I smell it. Doesn't. Even. Give. A. Damn.
ReplyDeleteI'm feeling your pain, girl. And...now sit down for this...you are NORMAL and having NORMAL emotions.
ReplyDeleteAs a single mom for most of my daughters' adolescence...I was always running in circles, always trying to figure out where I needed to be and for what event. I had no family in the state and when we divorced, my ex moved several hours away (read: he was no help whatsoever). To top it off, I worked in law enforcement and sometime a call at the end of the day would delay be being somewhere. Ask my girls how many times another deputy picked up and delivered a pizza to my house when I was held up somewhere...or gave them a ride home from a school event. :)
I survived. My girls survived...in fact, they are 26 and 28 now...the youngest graduates with her Master's in August, the oldest next year sometime. They are both employed full time (have been since they were 16), own their homes, drive new cars and are registered voters. :)
For me, my "problem" was I was trying to be perfect...have the perfect house, fix the perfect meals, raise the perfect daughters...this list goes on. I wish I could have learned to relax a little....and breathe.
I was going to mention a mommy's helper...but Bridget beat me to it. Maybe check with the high school, too...most schools have a child development course (students learn first aid, communicating with children, etc)...a couple hours a week might be just what the doctor ordered. Time to take a bath, grocery shop, grab a cup of tea (or gallon of wine, whatev') with a friend....give it a thought.
Hang tuff, girlie.....you're NORMAL.
Hugs to you............Tina
Couldn't have written it better myself. If I was in PA, I'd be in your support group. Except my spouse is around. However, he chooses to play iPhone games and watch documentaries about the bloods and crips while I'm being shit upon while having a tea party. In fact, it took me 3 tries to make this comment because I had to change a diaper and coax the other back to her nap. And although she is potty trained, she has her binky. We were at the pediatricians office today and we left it in the car because the doctor thinks we gave it up 2 yrs ago. The ONLY reason my house is clean is because we are showing it about once a day and that whole cleaning bit is making me a total bitch. We are much happier in our piles of clothes, dishes, and toys.
ReplyDeleteSo...not to talk about me, but maybe it helps to see that you're not doing anything wrong. No one else is going to let on that they're not completely put together...you know? That's why it appears that everyone else is doing something right I guess.
It sucks. We were in such a good routine with one...and though I love him so much it hurts, the second totally makes us start at square one.
Matt asked what I wanted for Mothers Day in the middle of a hellstorm last night. I snarled something like "oh NOTHING!! Maybe a gd nap would be nice". Sooooo, I understand your need to be in the house alone. And then the guilt following that thought.
I have no advice. But I get it.
Dude. I'm drowning too. I promise. I actually called Kristin the other day SOBBING because I "couldn't do any parts of my life as well as I want to!" Motherhood is the most awesome thing in the world, but it's also the fricking hardest. Moms are magical creatures that are supposed to be able to do everything, but we're also human. I feel for you, I really do. Jake has been working like 60 hour weeks, so I've been doing a lot of the parenting alone, and when he does get home, he needs to "rest" and I totally get that. I feel for him, but why don't moms get "rest"? Not fair. :) You're not alone my friend. You're definitely not alone. I can totally be your support group if you need one. You know that right? :)
ReplyDeleteYes. That's all.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I'm drowning too. And I get exhausted and overwhelmed and cranky, and then I feel guilty that I'm not enjoying it more. Yes, there are the perfect "aww!" moments but there's a lot of crap too - and I'm not doing it by myself like you are!
Oops, gotta go, baby's starting to fuss in his swing. Then the 3 year old will be up from her nap and the dinner/bedtime madness will be upon us. ;)
I honestly don't think I could be a full time mama and keep my shit together. I sincerely NEED the time in my office. It takes a lot if mental gearing up when I do need to be home full time when daycare is closed. I can do it, but 24/7 is fucking HARD. I love your analogy of having nectar blasted in your face... That is so exactly true. I am not even home full time and I am so dying to be able to get dressed alone and maybe even get to poop in peace. It sounds petty, but good lord it can really be intense. And I only have ONE of them! So, I've got nothing for you in terms of help or advice, but I have an amazing amount of respect for you.
ReplyDeleteYou need some child care though. I am the best mama I can be precisely because I do get mental breaks, and therefore can find the patience more easily when we are together. Can you get someone who could come help out a few hours a few days a week? Maybe they could even do some laundry while they are there and help cook a little? You NEED some space and some help for your sanity, and to make sure you can take care of you so that you can best take care of your family. I think it is really unnatural to expect women to do this all by themselves. When in human history would a woman ever have been so alone with kids 100% of the time?! Never. So, be easy on yourself. Anyone who looks like they have it all together is faking it.
Oh, and we are totally still shitting in pull-ups. Bright side? Cleaning poop out of undies is so much grosser... And keep in mind, my daughter was potty trained by professionals. :)
ReplyDeleteAs me and my husband say, "this poo be hard!" It is hard! Anyone who says otherwise is LYING! My first thoughts were also to see if you can get a helping hand in the house. It will be worth EVERY penny. And I found that going from being a mom of 1 to a mom of 2 was brutal. I did find, tho, that it got easier around the 6-month mark. Oh girl, I bet that seems like eons away right now, but once baby 2 is sitting, nursing less often, napping more predictably, maybe starting on solids, you can start to catch a break here and there. As she gets more mobile and your kiddos start playing together some here and there, oh lordy, that can be beautiful relief too. But for right NOW, because 6 months is a long ways off, try to get you some in-house help. Hugs!! You are a mommy rock star, even on the really, really hard days when you feel like you are failing.
ReplyDeleteYou know what? You should start that support group, I’d join. I’m still dealing with “when’s Daddy coming home” questioning and a constant “let’s get over on mommy” struggle with my *almost* 9 year old boy… but I’m-going-down-swinging. Anyone else having these issues? Anyone? LOL
ReplyDeleteYou know what is just as bad as jealousy? Judging. I’m ashamed to be a pro. I have a friend who is 10 days from her due date and she asked 5 of her closest friends to come over. So I jump into action scheduling a sitter and such… because I’m a good friend, it’s her first baby, and being 9 months pregnant completely sucks. Then I watch in awe as my friends give excuses…
Married Friend #1: I want to come but I’m busy and this week is so hard. (Me: I give a “Kanye-shrug”)
Engaged In-College Friend #2: I have a really big test but I’ll try. (Me: Major side-eye and I may have mumbled IN MY MIND something about “having a baby 4 days after graduating college and continued on to getting Masters and I managed- alone.” I feel really bad about that now. I apologize and let’s be honest- I barely managed then and everyone has their struggles.
Married Friend #1 again: I’m going to come but I’ll be late because... (Me: Tuned her out and I’m fuming and FULLY judging)
Geez people! I know they don’t have kids but coming to a pregnant lady’s house at 8:30pm is pretty much her bedtime. LOL Get it together. Well! This comment has no filter…
So to the self-doubting moms, the trying to be two parents mommies, and the jealousy stricken/judging/stressed out/drowning in nectar mommas, I raise a glass of wine to you. My name is Ashley and I’m addicted to judging…and my kitchen floor is sticky.
Desiree, I think we’re all drowning!
You have the right to your truth and it is real and valid. I think its incredible of you to acknowledge that other people have it worse than you and you have a ton of privilege that other women don't. But you should have the right to discuss what's difficult and hard for you. That doesn't make you weak or whiny. It makes you incredibly strong.
ReplyDeleteLove and light.
"what i really want is for them to leave me alone in my own home" - i loved your whole post (so encouraging to hear someone speak so frankly about mothering) but this was my favorite line. i related so much to it. my husband doesn't travel for work, but right now he works a full time job and is getting an MBA & he is gone from our home 70 hours a week most weeks. it's HARD. i have an almost-two year old little boy who is the sweetest, wildest, most independent little soul i've ever met. he is so much fun and so freaking exasperating, usually within seconds of each other and always when i need the break the most:) i feel guilty that i lose my temper so quickly with him when he is just being a TODDLER...he's not doing it to annoy me, but holy crap sometimes i can't take one more ball thrown at me while i'm changing his diaper, or one more really loud incessant whine, or one more mess to clean up. i'm just being honest. of course i know these days go fast, and of course i know one day i will wish he was younger and hold-able, and smelled so sweet in his neck rolls again. but some days, even when you know they're fleeting, you just can't take one more moment.
ReplyDeleteone of my favorite blog posts ever written was this one, and i have reread it a million times when i just can't take it anymore. mothering is a sacred, hard, frustrating, rewarding, "brutiful" (brutal/beautiful) experience. just keep showing up! you're doing a great job!!! (and thank you again for your honesty. so refreshing to those of us also in the trenches.)
https://momastery.com/blog/2012/01/04/2011-lesson-2-dont-carpe-diem/
What a great post! Thank you for sharing that, that really hit home for me. I've read about chronos and kairos time and I like the idea of capturing a couple of kairos moments during the day...
DeleteThanks for this post. Our situations are different -my husband is home every night and I work full time, but they end result is the same many days...How the fuck is everyone doing this so much better than me. Do other moms cry about their messy houses? Do other moms have 3 year old that will not potty train? Are other moms more patient and read to their kids every night and never lose their cool? Because it feels that way. Then I get to deal with the feeling of being a crappy employee because I don't work late, a crappy mom because I'm too tired to play after work, and a crappy wife because oh hell no. Being a mom is so amazing, but it is so hard too and most mom's keep this shit to themselves. Thanks for having the courage to say it.
ReplyDelete