Baby showers are EASY! And FUN!

I'm home, I'm back in Dallas, and I'm exhausted.  I had my baby shower in Kansas this past Saturday and it was amazing.  It was wonderful, due in LARGE part to my mother and my cousin.  Actually, due in ALL parts to them.  They worked so hard and I'm so very grateful to them because they made it wonderful!


However, before we just jump straight to pictures, let me tell you a story.  I like to call it "How to have a baby shower that's EASY! And FUN!"  


First, have a job where you sit at a computer 8 hours a day and do nothing so you can brainstorm ideas right up to the day of the shower.  Particulary torture yourself with this site and google everything that comes to mind so you can have the perfect shower.  After all, nothing will reduce your stress level like having to have the perfect shower!


Next, have the shower in a different state.  Because that will make it EASY!  And FUN!  There's nothing like being a *receptionist* and trying to make personal phone calls in the lobby between work calls and having a boss that's right around the corner from you.  


Get people to help you who have busy lives.  Bonus points if one of your helpers has small children!  Then you can feel like a total jerk for asking them to take time out of their busy lives to help you with things you can't do.  Watch your anxiety level creep on up as you realize all the elements you can't control.  Begin exchanging epic emails with your helpers.  Freak out when they don't pick up the phone when you call because they just said they're going to buy the wrong decorations.  Three way phone calls are exciting when your phone keeps cutting out!  And when your phone jams up because they're both sending you pictures of different decorations for your approval and then calling to ask "did you get the picture?  What do you think?  I'm in the store right now!" Coordinating a party from a different state is EASY!  And FUN!  


Playing the 'who pays for what' game is super fun!  Economic times are tough - only a full-out ass would expect someone else to pay for everything.  But is the 'are you paying for this or am I?' conversation ever comfortable?  Pay for what you can and sweat over the stuff they said they will pay for because other people (besides your husband) spending money on you makes you itchy.  Add it up in your head and feel guilty, but you've paid for all you can so you just have to feel guilty until next payday.  Hope that your husband doesn't look too closely at the bank account.


Tell yourself that you have plenty of time!  This is key to making your baby shower EASY!  And FUN!  Nothing like a healthy bit of procrastination to get the blood flowing.  Oh that's right - you're seven and a half months pregnant, you don't need help with bloodflow.  Then, realize that you actually have no time left and enjoy the hormonal meltdown!


Fly in the day before with fifty things still to do but go ahead and make lunch plans.  Because you have plenty of time!  As long as the person you're having lunch with is a family friend who just happens to be a pediatrician.  Spend lunch peppering him with questions about vaccinations, well baby checkups and timelines.  Resist the urge to crawl across the table and beg him to move to Dallas so he can be your baby's pediatrician.  Oh yeah, ask about his family and his life so you can sort of pretend that the sole purpose of lunch wasn't to pick his brain.  Only half-listen because you're still thinking of ways to bribe him to come to Dallas.  Two hours later, leave lunch and head home so your cousin can meet you at the house and the three of you can figure out what still needs to be done.  After your cousin's baby's doctor's appointment.  Feel more guilt.


Drive 4000 miles to pick up the cake.  Squeal with glee because it's perfect.  Vomit when you write the check for that perfection.


What time is it?  4pm?  No sweat, you have plenty of time!  You only have to go to four stores, which of course are all spread out.  Use the below photo for your centerpiece inspiration.

But go ahead and tweak it, because tweaking things is EASY!  And FUN!  What if the flowers were pens!  And your guests wrote notes to you and the baby in the books, making her first library!  Have the brilliant idea of making the pens in Dallas and shipping them to Kansas.  Pat yourself on the back for being able to cross one more thing off your list.


Oops!  The daisies you got on sale at Michael's are a BITCH to cut!  Freak out because the stems are over a foot long.  We're talking sawing through them with a knife to make the stems shorter!  And you don't know how big the vases are for the centerpieces!  What are you going to do?  AHA!  Put everything in a box and ship it to Kansas!  You can figure it out there!  Because you have plenty of time!


Meanwhile back in Kansas, what about books?  And it's almost 8pm?  Noooo problem!  Screech into the parking lot of Half-Price Books and speed-waddle to the front door, grab a cart, bark out "Children's section!" to the clerks, and rush to the back of the store with your cousin laughing at your speed-waddle.  "You take this side, I'll take this one, find good hardback books with space in the front for writing!  GO!"  Surprisingly, you find some great books!  Briefly allow yourself to daydream about reading to your daughter and seeing the wonderful notes people have left for the two of you.  Snap out of it, you have more stops to make!  Vomit again at the register.  What happened to half-price yo!


Go to Michael's because you use the below photo as the inspiration for your favors.

But you can tweak that!  Tweaking is EASY!  And FUN!  Rush to the hole-puncher section because you can DIY this and save so much money!  What's that?  EACH hole puncher is $25 a piece?  And you have to buy the cardstock?  AND figure out a design for the center?  Ummmm....Quickly abandon that idea!  Because you're going to do something better!  What is it?  No idea!!  


Your fabulous cousin comes up with sticker paper.  You have an awesome stamp and ink and that will work!  Okay, do they have sticker paper?  No?  CRAP!  No worries, we have another stop to make!  Please Jesus let them have it!


Go to KMart.  Realize you haven't been in a KMart in years, you didn't even know they still had them.  Speed-waddle to the office supply aisle, where they have ONE package of sticker paper left!  SCORE!  Scrap the other stop because it was for a project that you now realize you will have no time to complete.  Rush back home to begin assembling everything.


The kitchen looks like a pink and orange crafting bee blew up in there.  Dive in because it's only 9:30, you have plenty of time!  Stop and eat because the baby is staging a mutiny.  Eat some more because you're a big ol hog and your mother can cook like nobody's business.  Begin assembling the centerpieces.  Try not to cry because there seems to be so much to finish.  Start sawing the daisies and have your cousin look at you crazy as she pops off the tops with one hand.  Kiss her for being such a genius.  Assembly line style, pop off the daisies, hot glue them to the pens, and wrap them with floral tape.


Cry because the floral tape is sticky and no one will want to use the pens to write in the books and now your whole fabulous idea for centerpieces is ruined and we might as well cancel the shower.  Get constant reassurance from your angelic mother and cousin that everything is going to be okay.  Your mother saves the day by producing a little pot of body powder to rub on the pens to make the tape less sticky.  Cry some more because your mother is an angel.


Stamp the sticker paper, trace the outline, cut it out and place the sticker on the little lotions that you're giving out as favors.  Tie a ribbon around the lotion to make it pretty.  Repeat 60 times.

Glue the ribbons and arrange the flowers in the other vases.  Get delirious as the clock strikes one, but the light is at the end of the tunnel.  You're almost there and the centerpieces with the flower pens and the books look wonderful!  It's coming together!  It's going to happen, we're doing it!  It's going to be a good party!


Finish everything at 2 in the morning.  Bundle it together so nothing is lost or left behind.  Take your cousin home and feel more guilt because her husband had to take care of the children because you hogged her the whole night.  Come home and crawl up the stairs because you've been sitting down forever.  Ignore your aching back as you fall into bed and thank God, fall asleep within seconds.


Just before you drift off, realize that you're having a baby shower tomorrow.  For your baby.  That's inside you.  And is coming out soon.  Holy crap!


The End.