But you know where pregnancy is full-out kicking my ass? Where it's positively making me miserable?
My emotions. The hormones. Oh my goodness the hormones.
I haven't been writing a lot lately because I've been trying not to give in. Besides, it would really be nothing but angry vileness that probably wouldn't make a lot of sense and most of all, it's not me. I'm not this person and I hate that I feel like I can't get a hold of myself. But I can no more stop this than I can, I don't know, the need to eat? It's not as imperative as breathing but I can't control it nonetheless.
I go through about thirty shades of Sybil daily, but it's usually anger. The worse thing is, it's not entirely irrational anger. I don't get upset when we're out of apple juice, I get angry when I feel like Drew is impatient with me because I'm not moving as fast as I normally do. We were in the mall the other day and we were trying to hurry because they were going to close and I just can't move that fast anymore - I get out of breath really easily and I've been having Braxton-Hicks that are nothing to worry about but I don't prefer to have them regardless. I felt like he was getting impatient with me because I couldn't walk as fast as he could and I wanted to kick him in the shins because I'm freakin pregnant, how dare you get annoyed that I can't move that fast!
I had a doctor's appointment on Wednesday. I called the office all day Tuesday to see if they were going to be open because we've had nasty weather here and I got a busy signal all day. I sent an email to her assistant asking if they were going to be open and never got a reply. I was to see my specialist that same morning so we went ahead and braved the ice because they did call to tell me they were open. After the specialist, we went over to my OB and the office door was locked. We called again, busy signal. We waited and finally left. This morning, *I* called and they answered and were like, 'oh yeah we were closed, didn't you hear?' I was like, no bitch I didn't 'hear' because you didn't call me, and why am *I* calling you to reschedule? Shouldn't you be calling me, the patient because you didn't bother to call me and let me know that you weren't going to be in? They were like, 'well you can come in today.' I actually said, "No, I can't come in today because I'm at work." All extra-bitchy like.
This isn't me. I'm not this person.
I need to not stress myself out - the baby feels it, the baby knows and I have to do better. I just feel like I can't. I feel like no one has my best interest at heart and therefore I have to be on my guard at all times, just like a freakin animal! I feel like if I relax, they're (whoever they are) are going to pounce and pump me full of drugs and cut me open and take my baby away from me.
Now, if that's not prime candidacy for crazy-town I don't know what is. I shouldn't even be writing this. See, this is why I haven't been writing. Craziness y'all.
Oh and look at that - now I'm crying. Perfect.
This isn't rational, I am fully aware of this. Perhaps more aware than anyone else, which is why it's so hard. It's like I can observe myself acting this way but I can't stop.
Watch, I can do it now.
Drew has not done near the preparation that I have for this. I don't expect him to - just like the movie says, "Oh my god, how did women give birth before baby books?" This is going to happen how it's going to happen and whether or not he reads a book won't have an impact on any of it. It doesn't matter if he reads zero or 100 baby books - the baby is going to be born either way.
See - nice and rational.
However, that doesn't stop me from wishing he would because it would give me the confidence that he will be better prepared when I go into labor, that he won't be running around frantic or freak out to see me in pain. That if he read a book or two, he wouldn't look at me like I've grown two heads and roll his eyes when I start crying about our daughter getting picked on in school. The rational side of me knows that her school days are a long way away and I'll deal with that when it happens but the pregnant side of me isn't really interested in hearing it and would really just like some sincere reassurance, no matter that you said the same thing just yesterday.
I hate feeling dismissed. I can't go into the full details on that because even though I'm irrational and emotional, even I know where to draw the line. I can't be outright hurtful and I know everyone is doing their best.
I'm just so scared. I've been trying to be positive, to tell myself that everything is going to be okay but I'm not doing that great a job and it would be so great to hear it from someone else. I have the facts, I have the information, I need someone to speak to my heart. I need someone else to tell me it's going to be okay. I need to hear it outside my head. Because I'm scared.
I just want to be me again.
PS - I'm not alone. At least there's that.
Hey Girl don't worry. Just think about how far you have come! I have interviewed many women who gave birth on the beach in Goa with no one to help but a couple of other mothers. You would not believe the stories. You have all your research and all the doctors to help you. I truly believe everything will work out. I'm rooting for you!
ReplyDeleteThis is a difficult process, but think about that moment when they put your little baby in your arms, all those worries will fall away.
The Mister did not read one baby book and did not practice his HypnoBabies cues like I demanded. He did attend my crunchy type birthing class but I swear I could see his eyes rolling every 5 minutes.
ReplyDeleteHe ended up being a great partner. I guess he payed more attention in class than I thought. My mom was in the room, my sister, my mother in law but it was like it was only the two of us. He did everything I needed him to do without asking. He even fought for me not to have a C-Section when I was just ready to give in (still had one but oh well LOL). I was totally surprised at how he handled himself.
Drew just might surprise you too. He may not know the baby book stuff but he knows *you* and what is important to you.
I was the exact same way. I cried because my husband brought me the wrong kind of yogurt. Then I yelled because he didn't bring tortilla chips. What is up with that? All of this happened within 20 seconds.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you wrote this. I feel the same way! I'll be 26 weeks tomorrow and pride myself in being a mature 33 year old woman who is extraordinarily rational most of the time. I'm a master at keeping things in perspective and not freaking out. I'm quite evolved even under normal circumstances. Now I'm 26 weeks pregnant and a lunachick! The hormones! I'm so cognizant of my out of control-ness that it angers me! Anyway, thanks again for sharing. Now I feel not so alone. :-)
ReplyDeleteJust knowing that your emotions ARE coming from the hormones, not the deep-down you, can help a lot. It doesn't keep you from feeling them any less intensely, though.
ReplyDeleteI think we put way too many expectations on our men when we're getting ready to have a baby. Just a generation or two ago they were supposed to stay in the waiting room and smoke cigars and have little to do with the whole pregnancy-birth-lactation thing. Now they're supposed to be birth coaches and walking libraries and emotionally sensitive and interested in all that birthy-gooey stuff...and I think it can be hard on those men who just don't get all that into it. Not that they love their women any less, just that perhaps it's not their thing, you know?
I was thinking about this, because a doula would be awesome for your situation. Pressure off of Drew to have to read/prepare/remember/coach/etc...all he has to do is be there for you in whatever way he normally is. And then the doula takes all of those tasks on like reading the books and knowing your preferences and making sure X or Y happens--it's what they do best, after all!--and she helps Drew go through the process too.
I just wish I lived closer because I'd love love love to be your doula!
I'm not married so I can't speak on that aspect of it. However, I can tell you that pregnancy hormones are thed worst. They come and go but they truly leave you feeling not like yourself. It'll pass and you'll get back to being yourself. Don't beat yourself up about it though. Just take some breaths when you feel yourself about to freak out.
ReplyDeleteKeylaus said it best in her last line about Drew. He knows you and knowing you is better than reading any book.
You're almost there. Promise. :) It will all be worth it. Everyone knows that you're being a hormonal pregnant mama to be. It's ok if you're going a little off the deep end. It's all worth it. Remember the finish line! :)
ReplyDeleteYou will be you again soon friend, I promise you that. This is all so totally normal... but you will get you back! :)
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone in wishing your hubby would read the freakin books (in walks me)... but I digress.
ReplyDeleteTrust, everyone around you sees the bulging belly, they KNOW we are prone to flip out at any second. So stop beating yourself up.... you're doing great, chica.
BTW, I am JEALOUS that you're still pregnant and looking like YOU!!! I am hating! lol
I'm not married so I can't speak on that aspect of it. However, I can tell you that pregnancy hormones are thed worst. They come and go but they truly leave you feeling not like yourself. It'll pass and you'll get back to being yourself. Don't beat yourself up about it though. Just take some breaths when you feel yourself about to freak out.
ReplyDeleteKeylaus said it best in her last line about Drew. He knows you and knowing you is better than reading any book.