The smelly kid

I'm quitting my job tomorrow.  Or Monday.  Or sometime next week.  I'm not sure, because I've never quit a job under these circumstances and I'm nervous.  Anytime I've left a job, it's for a reason.  And now I want to punch myself in the face for thinking that staying home to mother my child is not a good enough reason to quit my job.

We decided that I would quit while I was still pregnant.  It just didn't make sense to have 90% of my paycheck going to daycare, and with Drew's travel schedule it would be up to me to take Sofia to all doctor's appointments, pick her up from daycare if she was sick, stay home with her if the daycare was closed for some reason and frankly, as long as the option is available to us for me to stay home, I want to take it.

That doesn't mean I'm not nervous.  I've had a job since I was 16, often more than one.  And because I'm not going to keep clarifying, when I say job I mean working outside the home for a paycheck.  Because believe me, this past eight weeks has me convinced that staying home is a job.  

It's just that being a new mom is like being the new kid at school.  I hated being the new kid at school.  Granted, I was the new kid only once but that was more than enough for me and I don't know anyone who is excited to relive high school, yet that's what being a new mom feels like.  If you don't have someone to take you under their wing and show you the ropes, you're stuck standing at the entrance of the cafeteria, hoping and praying someone will invite you to their table.  Otherwise, you sit alone, like the smelly kid.

I went to a moms event the other night.  I know a support network is important and if I'm not careful I'll turn into a hermit because making new friends makes my stomach hurt.  However, that's not good for my kid so I make the effort.

It started at 6:30.  It was at a restaurant and I arrived at 6:20 to find the place completely full.  It was my high school nightmare.  All of the tables appeared to be spoken for, with purses on empty chairs and I stood at the entrance with my stroller, wishing someone would make eye contact and beckon me over.  It didn't happen and I quickly found the only empty table left and sat down, again wishing for someone to walk in after me and join me.  Also didn't happen.

I totally felt like the smelly kid.  All the other ladies there were talking and laughing, looking like they'd all known each other for years.  They were dressed in their cute tops and jeans and dangly earrings and I felt out of place in my yoga pants, nursing tank and no makeup (even though they were nice yoga pants and I was in fact not smelly.)  I thought this was an event for new moms!  I didn't know it was a dangly earrings event.

Thank God I had the baby with me, or I would've looked

super pathetic!

The whole thing was so awkward because the restaurant set-up didn't lend itself to mingling.  The ladies at the table behind me were polite and asked me about my baby but it's hard to talk to someone over your shoulder and there were no open spaces at their table so it's not like they could have asked me to join them.  I was so thankful when it hit 8 o'clock and I could justify leaving, as if anyone would have missed me.

I also went to a playgroup in my neighborhood.  My neighbor invited me and I couldn't say yes fast enough.  But it was the same thing.  The playgroup was for babies born in 2010, so the youngest one there was six months old and they'd been meeting for a while.  The first time I went I did nothing but sit in relative silence, only speaking when I was spoken to, unable to contribute to conversations that were started long before I got there.  Again, I was relieved when it was time to go.

At least at work, you can keep to yourself and get away with it.  You can always claim 'being swamped' as a reason to keep your door shut.  Or, if you work in a great place like I do did, you find something in common with your colleagues on the first day - no matter how small and bam, you've got a seat in the cafeteria. 

But when you're at home and it's just you and your kid, that's a whole different story.  All moms are not created equal and just because you both have kids, it doesn't mean that you'll automatically get along.  

However, I'm trying - I'm going to keep going to the playgroup, I've joined the neighborhood network and I'm looking into other things that I can do with the baby but it's not easy.  How do you walk up to someone cold and just say 'hey, wanna be friends?'  What if you choose wrong and the person you talk to is a certified nutbag?  Or they're really whiny and negative all the time?  Or worst of all, they judge your mothering skills?  I nearly snapped back at a woman at that moms event because she said my baby was 'so tiny.'  I almost went off about how there was absolutely nothing wrong with my baby, that she's the perfect size for her and she should mind her own business.  Then again, maybe she meant 'so tiny' in a non-mean way but I was too uncomfortable and self-conscious to tell the difference.  

I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to be home with my daughter.  I just have to be careful that I don't take that too literally.  For her sake, I need to get out there and get involved and step outside my comfort zone.  I need to set the example for her and not be afraid of new people and try harder at making new friends.

It's just that it's no fun feeling like the smelly kid.

PS - I changed the comment format because Blogger was being an asshole and making it hard for some people to leave comments and I have no idea why so I installed Disqus.  This way I can also reply to comments.  Everything should still be the same, only better.  I hope it doesn't suck!