Just try and keep up

Hey y'all.  I'm drunk.  My husband got me drunk because he's the best husband in the whole world and getting drunk is exactly what I needed.  And he's the best husband because he knows that and he opened up a good bottle of wine and gave it to me.  Because I've had a shit day and I don't know how much longer I'm going to be able to backspace and retype to make this coherent so I apologize if I get weird.  Just try and keep up because I'm 'bout to brain drain. I was gonna say dump but that's ugly and I'm not ugly.  So we drain.

But STOP.  Before I do anything else in my life, everyone who is reading this must click this link right here.  Click it, and read my love letter.  You know how long it's been since I've gotten a love letter?  From someone I'm not sleeping with?  That shit is unprecedented.  And it just took me twelve backspaces to type that right.  Sometimes, when you blog, you 'meet' a person who is your huckleberry.  Your blogging boo piece.  Ryan is mine.  Love.  Just love.

Okay, so did you go read my love letter?  Okay good.  Because we have important business to attend.  My brain drumping.  Draining.  Not dumping.  Seriously, I should just video this shit.  You know how hard is it to type drunk?  Like if I didn't backspace and sit here and stare at the screen to make sure you can read this, it would be all ridiculous.  I briefly thought about not backspacing, but then you wouldn't be able to read it and we have important business to attend.

Okay, but wait.  No.  I mean.......shit.  Where was I?  okay  wait.

Okay.

so, today I was just sucking as a mom.  Oh wait, I have to upload pictures so I can illustrate my suckitude.  Hold please.

Okay, so I'm realizing this might be the longest post in the history of the universe because I got issues y'all so I'm probably going to break this up.  This is so not going to make sense in the  morning.

Whatever.  Okay, the first order of business.  My fashion.  I needs help.  Drew is not having a company Christmas party this year but we are going to dinner with a group of his work people and I need something to wear.  Remember how I told you my dresser lived in the guest room?

Because the rules of blogging state that thou shalt put pictures in your posts

so thou's readers don't get bored.

Not because you don't know what a dresser looks like.

Y'all are smart like that and I would never insult you.  You're so pretty.

SO!  A few weeks ago, we cleaned out my dresser and Drew's dresser with the goal of combining them, and amazingly enough, we were successful.

Taking some time out to be cute in the midst of purging.

Real talk, I don't need anything else in my life.

I'm still kind of sad that I had a miscarriage.

Everything that was in my dresser.  

PS, we got a white duvet cover.

Herein lies the problem.

Okay, marinate on the above picture for a minute.  Goodwill got everything that was ridiculously huge on me.  PS, when did I ever think it was cool to wear XL stuff?  Even when I was nine months pregnant, I wasn't an XL.  Why did I think looking like a hobo was cute?

Then, all the summer stuff got put in bins to go downstairs, as well as all the maternity stuff that I hope I get to wear again someday.  Yoga stuff went in a drawer and the shirts that are in regular rotation went in the above drawer.  You see that?  I have about five shirts in regular rotation and four of them are long sleeve tshirts in different colors from either Target or Old Navy.

This is a problem.

When did this happen to me?  I used to dress cute and fashionably.  No lie y'all, I have about ten items of clothing and they're all long sleeve tshirts, cardigans, tank tops for layering and sweaters.  No cute button downs, no flowy blouses, no cute and trendy nothing.  Oh, and two pair of jeans, one bootcut one skinny.  

Now, to be fair, I'm a stay at home mom.  I don't really need an extensive wardrobe and at this stage in the game I'd rather spend money on house stuff.

HOWEVER!

We're going to Drew's work dinner next week and we got a babysitter and everything.  I want to be cute.  I want to wear heels and dangly earrings.  And I can't wear a long sleeve tshirt from Target.

ALSO HOWEVER!

Looking like a frump has an effect on your outlook.  That's why I've started to put makeup on every morning.  Because I was for real starting to look like an old hag and I was starting to feel like an old hag and then I would be sad.  No lie, putting makeup on every morning, even if it's just mascara and lip stuff, makes me feel better and more put together.  Except then I go and put on a long sleeve tshirt and one of my two pairs of jeans.  Oh well, at least they fit.

But anyway!

I'm lost.  I don't know where to go for a cute going out top and shopping is not an option.  One, because I live in Reading, Pennsylvania.  Also known as the place where shopping goes to die.  I was at Target today, because of course I was at Target today, and I noticed a Kohl's going in across the street.  And I got excited.  And then I got depressed.  Because I was excited about a Kohl's y'all.  What is happening to me?  I used to care about fashion.  I used to go shopping.  The cool kind of shopping.

You know, shopping where you spend all day wandering in and out of stores, trying on random shit, checking out your ass in the mirror from all the angles, taking your time, posing, standing on your tippy toes.  You know, shopping.  

Shopping with a toddler is more like, barrel into ONE store, beeline for something in a color that you vaguely like, check lightening fast that it's your size, snatch it up, buy it and run out before your kid realizes that they're in public and it's time to act a damn fool.  Then get home and be all pissed that you got an XL when you meant to get an XS.  Throw it on the top shelf of your closet and wear it when you want to feel like a hobo.  That's what shopping with a toddler is like.

So help me out y'all.  The work thing is next Thursday and this is my one chance Fancy don't let me down.  Most days I'm fine with my tshirts and jeans because let's be real, my kid and my dog don't care what I wear and I spend my life on the floor playing with blocks and you don't need designer shit for that.  But this one night I want to be pretty, I need to be pretty again.  It's been so long since I've been pretty.  I need websites, where I can order shit during naptimes.  I need the super secret cute-top-websites that make it where you buy a shirt and don't feel like a frumpy loser mom.  Where is that website?  

Because my Target-Old-Navy wearin' ass obviously doesn't have the first clue.

Next up, the next reason why I suck.  Because even though ya'll are the best readers on EARTH, I don't expect you to read through a long-ass rambly post.

SO!  Cute tops that go with jeans and dangly earrings!  GO!