Peace

I've been praying for peace lately.  I've been praying for the strength to make the sads go away, for the power to stand up and take a step away from the blues that have been following me around.

Now to be honest, I haven't had a lot of faith in my prayer.  I haven't been to church in a while, and a lot of my logic and intellect interferes with the blind acceptance that faith requires.  However, it was worth a shot and I'm still humble enough to know that I can't do most things without help.  So I prayed.

And last night, I put Sofia to bed.  Her room was dark, but not so dark that I couldn't make out the contours of her face.  She was nursing (because we're still doing that to go to bed) and her face was positively angelic.  I know moms say that about their kids but this time was different.  I truly felt the weight of her perfect body in my arms, I heard nothing else but the steady rhythm of her breathing, and in that moment it came.  Peace.

I was so relieved.  I actually felt the weight lifting, the cloud going away and all I could do was whisper "Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you."  I stepped out of her room and I was strong again.

This was the final piece.  Because I must say THANK YOU to you.  You, who commented with your well wishes.  You, who emailed me to make sure I was good.  You, who called me to hear my voice.  You, who reminded me that going down the rabbit hole isn't necessary, that I have the strength to stay upright.  You, who reminded me that I'm not alone, that it's not all bad and I'm getting all choked up with gratitude that you have all blessed me with your friendship.

NOW WILL YOU ALL PLEASE MOVE TO READING PENNSYLVANIA SO WE CAN LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER PLEASE?!?!?

Because the problems haven't gone away, and the biggest issue is that I'm isolated and lonely. There's a reason they use solitary confinement as punishment in prisons.  We're not meant to go through this life without contact and interaction, and I don't have that here.  

This little town is, shall we say, different.  I read a statistic that something like 85% of the people born here, die here.  Meaning, they don't take too kindly to strangers 'round these parts.  I was at the dentist the other day and I mentioned that to the hygienist.  She was like, Yeah, people are friendly but it's going to take a while for them to really let you in.  I'm sorry about that, like she was personally responsible for the cliquish-ness of the whole town.  It was kind of funny.

But it's true, and it's worse for moms.  They all have their own friend groups, they've all been friends since grade school, they talk about nothing but inside shit and I couldn't join the conversation if I tried.  I'm a member of a couple of moms groups in the area and I'm just about done going to the playdates because I'm totally the smelly kid, off to the side, trying and failing to make friends.  Do you know how hard it is to make friends when you're grown and old and set in your ways?

I'm trying - I hosted a playdate at my house and eight moms RSVP'd.  At the last minute, five of them cancelled, like almost all at once and while I'm a pretty secure person, that stung.  I won't lie, for a minute I wondered if they did that on purpose.

This lack of friends and feeling of isolation put a lot of pressure on my marriage.  I would practically jump Drew when he got home, wanting him to be everything I wasn't getting during the day and when I didn't get that from him, we'd fight about it.  It's not right or fair to him and we're still not good at fighting fair, so our fights got way bigger than they ever needed to be.  You know how that goes.  You start off talking about one thing, then suddenly you're yelling that you don't care about me, you never did, why are we even married and then everyone's just sad. 

BUT.  I'm not sad anymore.  I have peace.  I have strength and I'm going to turn this around if it kills me.

No more burnout.  There is no job anywhere that doesn't give you a break.  If you do have one of those jobs, you don't have it for long before you have a heart attack or you go postal.  Everyone needs a break from their job sometime, and so do I.  I've found a yoga instructor that resonates with me and the gym has childcare so I'm going once a week, come hell or high water.

I've talked with her about teaching as well and if I can get back to teaching, I know that'll help so much.  Having something like that just for me is just what I need.

No more internalization.  It's not fair to my one friend here to dump all my problems at her feet, so I'm going to a counselor.  They're the only people that are cool with you dumping on them all the time.

No more isolation.  I have one other friend in New Jersey and I'm going to see her.  No more excuses.  I need some adult female gabfest time, and I need to quit expecting my husband to be my girlfriend.  Drew's not a talker - he never has been and probably never will be.  He tries, and I'm grateful for that, but there's just no match for two women and a bottle of wine.  I need this, and I'm going to drive to New Jersey and have just that.

I lived in Dallas for 17 years and I've been here for six months.  It's going take some time to make friends, feel comfortable and I'm going to continue to pray for peace with that.

SO!  That's the plan, and for reading all that, how about some pictures!  Drew is out of town for this week, which means that once Sofia is in bed, that time is all mine, and let me tell you, that's just what I need right about now.

Because I've been busy!

I went to Ikea and got my white Expedit.

It took Drew and Sofia no time to put it together and I'm so happy with it!

Remember this?

Then it looked like this.

But having all my sewing stuff right at the foot of the stairs felt cluttery, so I moved it.

So we moved the table and chairs and that felt better.

Drew and I sat downstairs talking paint and he suggested I use the leftover gallon of 

Krypton for the walls.

So that's what I did.

It's starting to look like a real room!

Drew wanted this to be an accent wall.

So that's what happened.

I know, I'm scared too.  But I think I can make it work.

Then it was time for the beige trim.

I will never understand that.

White trim, builders!  All white, all the time!

That's better.

Finally, around one this morning, I primed one door.

One coat of primer each, at two this morning.

Already, this corner is so much brighter.

And that's how far I've gotten!  I have this whole week to get 'er done and I'm confident that I can make it happen.  I have plans y'all. Big plans.  Just you wait.  

It's ALL going to be better.

Again you guys, thank you so much.  For everything.  You're the best.