The weaning - for real this time

A couple months ago, I wrote about night-weaning Sofia.  It wasn't pretty and I still stand by my statement that you shouldn't wean unless you have to, because it sucks big time.  We were successful and for a minute there, Sofia was sleeping through the night and life was good. 

Unfortunately, a couple weeks ago Sofia was in the hospital and that completely erased all progress we'd made on the sleep front.  I slept with her for three nights - just three!  But that was enough to mess everything up, and suddenly she forgot how to sleep by herself in her crib.  It was taking nearly two hours to put her to bed and we felt like we'd been shoved back behind the starting line.

I never drank coffee until now.

I need it in the afternoons when I start walking into walls.

And if you'll also remember, Drew and I are trying to kickstart my asshole uterus and trick it into giving us another baby.  I looked up the fertility doctors and as it happened, our appointment was the Monday after we got out of the hospital.  We met with the doctor and got ready for the mountain of testing that comes when you have an asshole uterus.

The Doctor:  So yeah, we'll have to drain you of about half of your blood to figure out what's wrong with you, but I'll totally be able to get you knocked the fuck up.

*That's how he sounded in my head.  In real life, he was sweet and kinda nerdy.*

Me:  Cool.  When are we getting this party started?

The Doctor:  When Aunt Flo shows up, let us know.  Is there anything else going on in your life?

Me:  Well, I'm still nursing but that's no big thing right?

The Doctor: SCREEEEEEEEAAAAAATCH *that's him dropping his pen, record scratch, jaw on the floor*

Apparently, when you have an asshole uterus, it will use any excuse not to house a baby, and my asshole uterus is playing the hormone card.  Like an asshole.  Apparently, nursing makes me send out the 'none shall pass' signal and that's probably playing a big part in why I'm not getting pregnant.

At first, I called bullshit because you read all the time about women getting pregnant while breastfeeding so my nursing shouldn't have anything to do with it.  HOWEVER, my asshole uterus is all like 'You're still breastfeeding!  Loophole!  NaaNaa!'

Then I asked the $64,000 question:  Exactly how am I supposed to completely wean?  

At this stage, there is no other option but cold turkey.  She doesn't need it for nourishment and she doesn't understand being able to have it sometimes, but not other times.  Plus, if I'm to get my hormones back in order and give my uterus a good smackdown and get it to hold a baby, I have to wean 100%.  And since I'm old, I don't have the luxury of going home to think about it, to weigh the pros and cons, and let's be honest, procrastinate.  

Nursing is my go-to move.  Whenever Sofia is sad, bored, hurt, fussy, tired or just wants to be near me, I whip out the boob.  There were definitely times that it wore on me, and I was getting tired of her undoing my bra and pulling my boob out anytime I sat down anywhere, but I was scared to give it up.  But Dr. Sweetnerd left us no other choice - he wasn't going to do anymore testing until I weaned because the results wouldn't be accurate anyway.  They cautioned us against saying things like "You're a big girl now" or "You're not a baby anymore" and simply said to distract, distract, distract.  Awesome.

That's how we came to wean cold turkey on Monday afternoon, the week of her birthday party.  No pressure.  No stress.  HA.

No sooner did we walk in the door than Sofia was like "Nursing!!"  I intercepted her little hand as it was going for my bra and said "Baby, we don't do that anymore.  Here, let's have some water!"

That was a mother-effin JOKE.  She looked at me like I'd grown another head and got louder and more insistent.  "Mommy.  Nursing."   Like, 'don't play with me woman.'

She was not amused.

As much as I didn't want to, we bought some pacis in an effort to ease her through the transition.  Miraculously, I was able to put her down for a nap that first day by simply holding her while she sucked on the paci.  Of course, that night she'd gotten wise to the game and it took two hours to get her down because she quickly realized the paci had no milk in it.  We made it through the first night with much screaming and crying and me feeling like a terrible person for forcing such a drastic change on her.

Tuesday night wasn't much different.  Screaming, crying, holding, rocking and finally sleeping.  I also had to pump, because going cold turkey means your body can't stop making milk on a dime.

That's the last of it.

That's the other reason you shouldn't go cold turkey - the mom needs to adjust too.  Because just like that, our nursing relationship was over.  No ceremony, no real time to prepare - it was just done.  I was grateful to have my body back, but it was definitely bittersweet.  I put the larger amount in a sippy cup and gave it to Sofia the next morning, but I froze the smaller amount and I'm debating the merits of a breastmilk pendant.

What do y'all think?  Is it weird?

I just feel like I want something to commemorate this time,

like it shouldn't be over without some tangible reminder of what we've done.

Then again, it's my breastmilk on a necklace, so I'm not sure.

Oh yeah!  Here's something no one told me:  On the seventh day, my hormones completely bottomed out.  I'm talking, laying on the floor in Sofia's room crying.  Calling Drew and biting his head off because he sighed too loud when Sofia wouldn't sleep so obviously he's not ready for another child, there's no way I'm having another kid, so why the hell are we bothering to wean in the first place everything in the whole wide world suuuuuccckksss!!!!!

The next morning, I was all kinds of sheepish.  "I'm sooorry babe.  We can have another kid.  I'm sorry for yelling at you.  I hate my hormones; are you sure you want to do this?  I'm not even pregnant yet!"  My husband is not perfect but man, he gets major points for handling my crazy because I get scary when I get hormonal.

So yeah, it hasn't been pretty.  The night before her party, it took Sofia two hours to finally get to sleep, but the good news is, she doesn't need the paci anymore.  She only used it a couple of nights and then she was like No chupie!  Unfortunately, at bedtime she wants us to sit in the chair and hold her in our lap, covered with a blanket until she falls asleep.  If we try and get up and she's not asleep yet, settle in buddy.  You're in for a long night.

I have no idea how long weaning takes and I figure as long as she's asking for nursing, she's not weaned yet.  And I know that holding her in the chair until she falls asleep is just exchanging one crutch for another, but cold turkey weaning and crying it out is more than I want to put her through right now.  I may be singing a different tune in a month but for now, this is how we're making it work.

Once I've gone four weeks without nursing, the doctors will resume testing and we'll get this show on the road.  As for Sofia, she's doing better each day.  She's only asked for it once today and a gentle redirect usually does the trick.  I offer her water, a snack pouch, we go outside, or we go to the playroom and she seems to get the message.  I give her lots of hugs and kisses and we cuddle all the time so she doesn't feel the loss as much.  She's still not back to sleeping through the night, but I'm confident that she'll get back to it.  This transition isn't easy on her and she's been handling it like a champ.

On the other hand, I've had to resist the temptation to nurse because I didn't know that last time was going to be our last time.  I know our relationship is growing and evolving and is only going to get better, and as challenging as nursing was at times, I'm still coming to grips with the fact that it's over.  That was the last thing that only I could do for her, and for better or worse, it's gone now.

Wean Me Gently

by Cathy Cardall

I know I look so big to you, 

Maybe I seem too big for the needs I have. 

But no matter how big we get, 

We still have needs that are important to us. 

I know that our relationship is growing and changing, 

But I still need you. 

I need your warmth and closeness, 

Especially at the end of the day 

When we snuggle up in bed. 

Please don't get too busy for us to nurse. 

I know you think I can be patient, 

Or find something to take the place of a nursing; 

A book, a glass of something, 

But nothing can take your place when I need you. 

Sometimes just cuddling with you, 

Having you near me is enough. 

I guess I am growing and becoming independent, 

But please be there. 

This bond we have is so strong and so important to me, 

Please don't break it abruptly. 

Wean me gently, 

Because I am your mother, 

And my heart is tender.

Excuse me, ah, I *ahem* have something *sniffsniff* in my eye...