Father's Day was hard. It was good but it was hard.
We had a little photoshoot and made a collage for Drew.
I even got lucky and got some decent shots.
But it was a hard day too because I have had a huge falling out with my own dad and in August, it will be a year that we haven't spoken. It was hard to see all those Facebook status updates with the girls on their wedding days and their dads on their arms, talking about 'Happy Father's Day to the first man I ever loved.' I used to feel that way about my dad and it sucks because that feeling is gone forever. I feel so sad and betrayed and hurt by the breakdown of our relationship. There's so much to say about it, yet there's nothing that can be said. It's over and it sucks.
I could outline all the dirty details but when do I stop telling my story and start airing dirty laundry and start pointing fingers and calling names? I don't ever want to stoop and I'm not naive - I know I have an audience and I know that things can get back to people and I still have a sense of loyalty to some of my family members, whether they deserve it or not. My loyalty is about *my* character, not about them and as much as I want to shout to the heavens about all the ways I've been wronged and abused and mistreated, I have to know that the heavens already know.
And as much as I want to tell my story because I feel stuck in this place if I don't, I also have to know that it doesn't have to be that way. My story is bigger than my daddy issues, I'm just having trouble seeing that right now.
I'm saying all that to say, yet again, I have no idea what I'm doing here. I've asked for help before and you guys came through in spades. I want to write; I need to write to keep my sanity. I've been bouncing off the walls in my head for days now because I haven't written. My fingers on the keyboard typing even this much have done a lot to calm me down, so I'm really hoping you could help me out just one more time?
What other parts of my story would you like to hear? Is that lame of me to even ask? I feel like I'm at a speed bump and I don't have enough gas to get over the hump - won't you give me just a little push?
What can I tell you? What can we talk about? Is there something you'd like to know?
Because I really don't want to be stuck in this place, thinking about my family and getting sad and feeling paralyzed, but I'm having a little trouble pulling up my own bootstraps, you know?
I sure would appreciate just the littlest bit of assistance.
And I apologize in advance if this post is garbage. At least there's a cute kid, right?
I struggle with the very same blogging issues. I write to be transparent but am afraid of overexposure. So I censor myself into silence and often feel stuck, just like you. Your daughter is so beautiful. Sheesh!! Okay... What about a post on what you'd tell your teenage self in retrospect if you could all to her? How does it feel to be married? Worst date you've ever been on? Favorite DIY project?
ReplyDeleteMaybe it would help to write out what you feel about your dad and the relationship. You don't have to post it but it might help to just get it all out anyway.
ReplyDeleteI'll read anything you write about anything!!
ReplyDeleteHere's what I think. If it will HELP you move past it to write about it, then do it. You could even write out the full story and just email it to certain people? Write a condensed version? There are options. However. If writing about it isn't going to help you move past it (be honest with yourself) then I don't think you should. I think you should try to focus on the positive - your AMAZING daughter and your awesome hubby. Even your adorable dog. :) When I have an issue bugging me, I find that counting my blessings helps. But I am also one of those ridiculously positive people. Sorry. HAHA! Maybe I can rub off on you! :)
ReplyDeleteAs for blogging topics - You could do a "funny thing Sofia did/said" series. They don't need to be long, but that way you get those memories in writing and you can remember it forever.
i agree with everything she just said. Every.single.thing
DeleteYou should write about how your one year anniversary is coming up in PA and what's different now vs a year ago :)
ReplyDelete-yvonne
Man, it's been a heck of a summer, huh? My prayers have sincerely been with you, but as you said in another post, you are so blessed in so many ways. Hold on to that. Personally, I love coming to your page and reading about the day-to-day stuff. Your honesty is so refreshing. I have an idea though for something more superficial and light-hearted. You were a flight attendant, right? That means you've definitely met some interesting people (some celebs, perhaps?). You should tell some funny stories about that. Does Brad Pitt stink? Is Angelina actually ugly? Who looks plastic in person? Okay, go! :-)
ReplyDeleteI haven't talked to my mom for 15 years, so I know what it's like. Having been through therapy for family issues, I really do think that talking about it helps. Whether writing it down (perhaps on paper and then burning it?) or talking to someone, get those feelings out of you. I think you'll be surprised by how much lighter you feel once you put those feelings out in the open. And if you've talked to someone or written this stuff down, do it some more until things that happen on Father's Day lose their punch.
ReplyDeleteAs far as things to write about? Hmm...I'd love to find out more about where you live, how you're still transitioning, any stories from your past, any brief anecdotes about Sophia (or long anecdotes!), any other hobbies you have (read? sew? cook?).
Alternatively, you could write about reading the newspaper and I would read it. ;)
You are going through it right now and writing seems to be therapeutic for you. Maybe you need to vent about this situation and I completely understand not wanting to do it online but maybe just "write" to a few people about it. I'm sure some of your friends here even would love to give you support during this time. Another suggestion would be a psychologist. I know it's taboo to some but I think they do great work.
ReplyDeleteP.S. I think your life is pretty darn interesting. I will pretty much read anything you write because you are captivating and an awesome story teller. Keep writing about Desiree and the adventures of Sofia and Drew.
Keep in mind everything doesn't have to be a long story, even you snapped a funny picture and wrote, "look at this bull," we'd still love you for it... write when you feel compelled and when you feel like you can't, don't. We love you and will keep coming back!
Desiree...
ReplyDeleteI came to this blog looking for hair tips. Since then that part of your life has phased out but I've found that we have so much more in common. I've found many similarities in our lives and I think you have a pretty blessed life. One of our differences is being able to stay at home. I think that’s awesome. Maybe you can talk about what you and Sofia do while she is not in school. I’ll vicariously live through you while reading your blog at work! ( : Also, what have you learned about your new town? Who are your neighbors? (I didn’t mean this in a stalker tone!) For not knowing how to blog...you're doing a pretty good job! Oh Summer Love! That flight attendant idea is key!
I personally love reading about you being a mom - the good, the bad and the ugly. I could read your stories about it 24/7. I don't speak to my grandfather and my mom doesn't speak to her dad for almost a decade. It's tough and painful at times but we all can't have a picture perfect family. So if you want to write about it, then do it. You can't worry about who it's gonna get back to. Do you Des!
ReplyDeleteI just think Sophia is about as adorable as they come. Just had to say so. :)
ReplyDeleteAs a chronic over-sharer, I found myself having to take my blog private awhile ago and I hated every second of it. I've been blogging since 2005 - before blogs were cool - and this was the first time I'd found my inner-most thoughts being judged by people who didn't know me and it hurt. When I found I was censoring myself I just went private because I NEED to write. It's in my core.
ReplyDeleteAll that to say, I don't give 2 shits about what you write about. Not in mean girl way, but in that I have loved reading your blog for years now (I don't normally comment because I read from my phone most times and blogger doesn't like phone comments!) and I continue reading not because your daughter is soo cute (she is!) or because I like your DIY projects, but because you are real. And I just like real. Life isn't always roses and sunshine and you don't play fake. I like that. A lot.
So blog about how you feel, how you want to feel, what your daughter did today or the new shelves. I don't care. As long as you continue blogging with the passion I've felt from your posts all this time.
I could repeat what those above me have said. but all i'm saying is I love your blog I literally come on here almost everyday hoping you have posted something. haha I guess that sound stalkerish now that I read it. I love your writing style and your daughter's adorable.
ReplyDeleteI've always thought that you were very brave for putting everything out there on your blog. i used to have a living memoir blog, but then life started getting too real and i didn't want to inadvertently put anybody on blast while trying to work my stuff out.
ReplyDeleteyou're doing a great job, and i love how you are a real person that shares the ups and downs of life so candidly.
I didn't speak to my father for three years, even though he did reach out to me a couple of times. The very last time I saw him, he was in a coffin. Sorry to be so morbid by the way..
ReplyDeleteI suppose time has simply helped to heal some of the wounds. I never really wrote about it because like you, I didn't know where to start. And I didn't know how it would end. I just talked to close friends and family who understood and would listen.
You'll know what to say when the time comes :)