Resolution and peace

You guys are amazing.  Once again, you've come through for me and I thank you so very much.  I feel so much better after reading your comments and you have all given me such wonderful suggestions.  I love you people.

First:  I'm going on a letter-writing campaign.  I really don't know why it never occurred to me before; because um, DUH, I write.  It's kinda my thing.  But I never thought to write some letters and get some stuff off my chest, and that's what I'm going to do first.  Some I'll actually send, like the one to my dad.  He may not read it, and I'm near positive he won't respond.  Even if he did, it would be nothing but bullshit; but I need to write it for me.  I need to speak my piece, have my closure and move on.   Some letters I'll probably just write and rip up.  I don't trust myself to burn them when I'm done.  I'll fuck around and singe my eyebrows off or burn my house down.  

One commenter suggested I write a letter to my teenage self (big hugs Alisa! Thank you!) and the thought nearly brought me to tears.  My God, what I would say to that poor awkward HAIRY little girl.  For real y'all - I have more hair than the average girl should have and do you know how much it SUCKED not to know enough to keep that shit in check?  How much it hurt?  How unheard and devalued I felt when I went to my mom about it and she dismissed me, saying I was just fine?  For God's sake, I had a unibrow, a mustache and more hair on my arms and legs than I knew what to do with!  And I went to Catholic school where we had to wear skirts all the time!  And I was just coming into puberty and getting interested in boys and FAHCK, kids are mean on the playground!  I was already one of only three non-white kids in the entire school and THEN I was hairy too?!  AND THEN my mom didn't seem to care?  That shit sucked.  Clear as day, I remember begging and begging my mom to shave my legs and she kept saying no until finally one day she gave in.  She took me into the bathroom and had me fill the sink with water, handed me the shaving cream and a razor and said "Ok, go."  I still remember holding that razor blade and being absolutely terrified that I was going to slice my leg open and bleed to death because I didn't have the first clue what I was doing.  I still remember that look of 'you want to do this so bad, so go ahead already what are you waiting for.'  But I didn't know what I was doing!  I just didn't want to be hairy anymore!

That's what scares me so much about being a parent.  You never know what's going to stick in your kid's head, what memory is going to stand out among the others, which of the 10,000 moments is the teaching moment.  I mean, shaving your legs for the first time is a pretty big one, along with getting your period (another not-so-great memory), but what about some other one?  Some random Tuesday that I wasn't the best mom I could have been and that's what Sofia remembers when she's 37 years old?

So among the other stuff, I plan to tell my 13-year old self "That totally sucked and I'm so very sorry." I also plan to apologize for a whole shit-ton of other stuff because kids should feel safe in their homes.  They should feel valued and respected and it's not normal when that doesn't happen.  

I also plan to write a letter to Sofia.  I always thought it was cheesy and dumb to write letters to your kids but for the first time, it didn't sound so bad to me.  

The first thing I'm going to tell Sofia?  Baby girl, we will get you lasered.  Don't you even worry about all that.  If I have to sell a kidney, you won't get teased for being hairy.  Mark my words.

I'm going to tell her some other stuff too, but that one's important.

My writing juices are flowing again and hopefully I'll get the chance to get it all out.  Just not right now, because I sat down to write this when Sofia went down for a nap and she just woke up.  And good LORD that's another one that needs to get written.

I have the most amazing child on the planet.  She's smart, funny, gorgeous and I love her to smithereens but FFFFFAAAAAAAHHHHHHCCCCCKKK this kid won't sleep!  I have tried everything under the sun and she just won't sleep and it's killing me.  You talk about not being a stellar parent - there have definitely been times that I have clenched-teeth, death-whispered Little Kid if you don't go to sleep right this mother effing second...

I have to figure something out before I can no longer function.  Okay, she's losing her shit.  Gotta go.

But thanks again for sticking with me, you guys.  You're the best.