I'm visiting my family and friends back home and this has been the most emotional visit to date. So much so that I don't feel good about coming back here again.
I'm trying to sort through my own stuff while trying to make this a pleasant visit for Sofia and it's not easy. I'm doubting everything; even the validity of my childhood, you guys. This is ridiculous. Is there something in the air here?
It's even got me questioning whether I should continue blogging. In the three plus years that I've had the blog, I've never thought about pulling the plug until now. I find myself wanting to run and hide so no one will find me; I want to erase as much of my presence as possible to protect myself. So they can't get to me and hurt me anymore. Crazy, right? That's what being home is like.
I'm torn; I don't think this is how you're supposed to feel about your family. I still feel a sense of obligation, but I also have a strong sense of self-preservation.
It's like choosing to attempt to unravel a knotted mess of yarn, or just accepting that the knots are too strong, too messy and you'll never be able to make sense of it, and walking away from the whole thing.
I understand what you are going through because I have been there as my husband navigates this same thing. Sometimes you do need to draw a line and say, "No more!" Yes, they are your family, but you have your own family now. The care of your own family comes first, even above the other family relationships you might have. It totally sucks, but in the long run it is the right thing.
ReplyDeleteVery well said!
DeleteMaybe try to look at it in the sense of learning/remembering how you will do things differently with Sofia so that "going home" is never such a painful process for her! ((HUGS)) Good luck lady - hang in there.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry friend! :( I completely agree with Nic's comment. You need to do what's best for your family. If going home brings up issues and feelings that you don't want to have, then I don't think you should go there. As for blogging, I've had those feelings a couple times. I say follow them. If that means you don't blog for a bit, then that's ok. You'll come back when you're ready. You know I'm here for you if you need me! :)
ReplyDeletemaybe its not going home but visiting the past? Your home now is Sofia and Drew - location can be the moon, as long as its with them. There is a reason why the past is the past. Visit, remember that the bad will stay THERE and when you leave, only take the good. I'm sorry your visit has left you feeling down, but just remember, that that place, it isn't home any more. That wonderful little house in PA that you are sprucing up and making so very yours...THAT is home.
ReplyDeleteYou have really smart friends! I love all of the above comments.
ReplyDeleteMy therapist told me that "Family is overrated." She didn't mean spouses and children, but parents and siblings and extended family. I always wished for a close, health family. Unfortunately, I have a dysfunctional family, and even those of us who aren't dysfunctional don't talk to each other much. I've learned over the years to change my definition and expectation of family. My own blood family sucks balls. There's a few good eggs in there, but for the most part it's not what I want. The family I married in to? Freaking awesome. But even more than that, I've made my mom friends my family. I NEED that village, not really to raise my kid, but to have as a support system for ME.
Also, you get two chances at a parent child relationship. The first with your own parents, and the second when you have your own child/ren. THAT has really helped heal my heart. I've promised myself that I won't be the kind of mom that has kids that don't want to talk to her (like my mom). This is my second chance, and I'm sure as hell not going to mess it up.
I rarely comment but this post sure strikes a chord with me. I'm going through difficult issues with my family too. It's so disheartening when you don't get what you expect emotionally from those who've known you your whole life. I agree with the other comments, you have to just focus on what's best for you, Drew and Sofia. As difficult as that is and as guilty as others may make you feel, no relationship is worth having if it only causes you pain and anxiety. Stay strong and true to yourself!
ReplyDeleteI haven't seen my folks since before my middle kid was born (he's 6). I am much happier keeping them at a distance. I am in contact with my mom now, but even she was a persona non grata for two years before that.
ReplyDeleteMy sister has been a jerk to me for the last 15 years or so, so at some point I severed all ties. When my father pleaded "But she's your sister, you have to keep in touch!" I said "Well, I am her sister, too. Maybe she should keep in touch with me." (She only does when she needs something.)
The great thing about becoming an adult is that your parents need you more than you need them. As a result, they should get their $hit together if they want you in their life. It's your rules now. Do whatever feels right. Good luck!
Yea, I agree with the others here. Once you grow up, your family is the family you make. Spouse, children, friends. I definitely feel a sense of obligation with my parents, but they really are not a part of my emotional foundation anymore. My mom in particular is not one of those snuggly moms that you want to call at the first sign of trouble. In fact, in my time of need, she is about the last person I'd call. My sister, on the other hand, we have grown really close over the years (after many years as teenagers when we about ripped each other's eyes out). But it is reciprocal. We have unspoken rules about how we interact -- at least it seems that way to me. We never, ever criticize each other. Our mom does that for us. So, even if I don't think I'd do something she's chosen to do, I can totally see how these things might be good for her, and I'm with her on it.
ReplyDeleteI have such a hard time going home. Man is it hard. Or when my parents visit. I love them. They are my parents and all. But it is like walking on pins and needles. I'm not sure if having a child makes it any better or worse. In some ways better, as now M is the focus of most things. But that makes it harder too, as then I feel responsible for every little thing she does. And my mom takes toddler behavior personally. Seriously. Oof.
But please don't doubt yourself or stop blogging! Something really nasty must have happened to make you feel so different from your usual self. Hang in there. Things usually seem better once you get back to your real home and to where you can be your real self, your adult self. It is really hard to step back into the world where you are kinda still 15 years old.
D...
ReplyDeleteI was going to post a comment, but it seems Trish and inBetween have already said EXACTLY what I was going to say. I would have loved to have the family pictured in Norman Rockwell paintings or in the Hallmark Christmas special...but, dang it...it just didn't happen. After awhile, it just became easier to let that concept go. Know that you are not alone in this battle...
Hugs, T
Hi Desiree,
ReplyDeleteI love your blog and would be so sad to see you go . . . don't go . . . I agree with the other comments and I want to add a little something. You've been thru a lot recently. You may be tired, emotionally and mentally. Overwhelmed. And you don't want or need anyone watching your unravel and that's probably exactly what you need to do. Take a break from being seen and unravel/relax/unwind/decompress/release. Sometimes we think that we should be able to do that in front of our friends and family and its not always the case. Sometimes you just want to hide and stare into the silence. But from my experience this is a passing moment. You love your family and they love you . . . we love you. This a moment and you may need to take it for yourself, so you can come thru it.
XOXO
Jo-Ann
Hi Desiree
ReplyDeleteFor selfish reasons, I hope you stay. From selfless place, I hope you do what is right for you, Sofia and Drew. Your health and happiness deserves to be protected and I am sorry this is happening.
Love
G