Babies and quarantine

Let's switch gears for a moment and talk babies, shall we?

New Baby will be here sometime in February.  I'm due on the 22nd, but I was induced four days before my due date with Sofia, so I'm thinking I'll probably go early with this one too.  The 22nd is three months and two days away and um, holy crap.  This pregnancy has flown by and I can't believe that we're already here.

It also feels like I got big overnight.

I can still wear some of my regular shirts

but I can't wear anything but maternity pants.

I've even busted into Drew's closet because I'm really 

trying not to buy any more maternity clothes.

But I'm getting off track; I learned something absolutely fascinating and I wanted to share it with you.  I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and came across this article.  Talking about auras is a little hippie-dippy for me, but the concept of the article resonated with me so loudly, that I just had to write it all out.

Before Sofia was born, I wrote this post about how I felt myself changing in preparation to be a mother, how I felt my protective instincts growing and getting stronger.  In the days leading up to Sofia's birth, I was nothing but a ball of emotions.  I couldn't name most of them, I didn't know where they came from and I couldn't do anything but feel them, which usually meant a lot of crying.  When I think about that time, it's really a wonder any of us made it through.  The miscarriages really rocked us, Drew and I were frighteningly horrible at communicating (we've since gotten slightly better) and we didn't/couldn't understand each other and neither of us was in a place where we wanted to learn.  

I'm happy to report that with this pregnancy we are worlds away from that place.  I'm nowhere near as hormonal, the physical changes aren't as dramatic and aside from the injections (which actually suck worse this time), I'd say I've gotten a small glimpse of what 'normal pregnancy' looks like.  And even though it's morbid to say, having miscarriages isn't the earth-shattering life-devastating thing it once was.  It still hurts like hell but we have been able to be sad while picking ourselves up and getting on with our lives.  Drew and I have gotten better at communicating and there haven't been nearly as many fights or tears or tension.  Now that I think about it, I'm actually pretty proud of us!

That's not to say we haven't had disagreements and to illustrate our biggest one, allow me to tell you a story...

When Sofia was born, both sets of parents came to Dallas to be with us.  This was their first grandbaby so of course they were going to be there.  However, that was in direct conflict with all my postpartum emotions and desires.  Namely, I wanted nothing more than to cocoon in my bed with my newborn, nurse her, smell her, bond with her and I had no interest in anything else.  As you can imagine, this was awkward for everyone else because they wanted to see and hold the baby too and they thought I was keeping her away intentionally.  At the time, I didn't have the words to explain that I was following my primal instincts and my instincts said not to let go of my baby for even a second.

Because I didn't have the words and couldn't articulate my feelings I found myself handing over my brand new baby because "it's important to get out of the house, even for a little bit."  Drew and I went to the pharmacy, and I cried the entire time, fighting off super intense feelings of anxiety and an overwhelming desire to get back to my baby.  We were gone less than twenty minutes but felt like days and I remember busting through the door wanting nothing more than to put my baby back in my arms, where I needed her.  Where she belonged.

When she was six days old, we took a trip out to the bluebonnets to take pictures.

I didn't want to be there, but I couldn't put my finger on the reason why.

*I don't think even Drew knows this part.*  

There was a street festival in the town near the bluebonnet fields and Drew and I and his parents walked around, in the name of getting out and stretching our legs.  At six days post-partum I was still bleeding but it wasn't so heavy that I couldn't get around - or so I thought.  I had to change my pad at someone's house near the blubonnet field but I thought that was the end of it.

At the festival I had to take yet another bathroom break, and changing your heavy duty post partum maxipad in a port-a-potty is no picnic.  I was doing my best to hover over the disgusting seat when the most giant clot of all clots slid out of my body.  It was such a shocking and disturbing feeling that I actually let out a little scream in the port-a-potty.  A few more clots slid out and I did my best to clean up and put on a new pad and a happy face at having to deal with this outside the comfort of my own home.

That experience is burned into my mind and I have no desire to repeat it.  Therefore, I plan to keep my ass at home as much as possible and get rid of all giant clots in my own bathroom like a normal person.

In the Facebook comments of that article, several women noted that 'laying-in' after the birth of a child is an actual thing and several Latin women mentioned that their mothers and grandmothers would insist that they do la cuarentena, which means 'quarantine.'  Apparently, there's a whole bunch of things you're not supposed to do in the 40 days immediately following your child's birth.  If I don't shower or wash my hair it won't be on purpose but I'll definitely wrap my belly like I did last time.  For me, it helped a ton with feeling supported around my midsection and I think it helped flush out all the extra fluids too.

Between that and the other article, I started nodding my head and jabbing at my computer, talking to no one. "See!  This is a thing!  It's real!  I'm not crazy!  See!  I wasn't being rude!  It's normal and right to hole up with your newborn baby!  You're not supposed to be more than nine feet away from your new baby!  I'm not crazy for hovering when other people held her!  I'm normal!  See!  See?!"

Now, even though this feeling has cultural roots I didn't do it because of that, I did it because my gut told me to.  On the other hand, Drew comes from a very strong 'pass the baby' background, where you hand over present the new baby to the new grandparents, the new aunts and uncles and everyone's else's time with the new baby is just as important as the new mother's time.  I say nobody's time is as important as the new mother's and that was the cause of fights then, and it was the cause of disagreements now.

It's a hard line to walk:  Honor your husband vs. honor your postpartum self and your newborn baby.  I still firmly believe that the mother AND FATHER and child should be the most important people in the equation and everyone else should just wait their turn.  And I will NOT be leaving my house for as long as humanly possible this time.  I'm not trying to throw monster clots in the middle of the grocery store or a damn port-a-potty for God's sake.  

PLUS, my baby will be born in February, smack in the middle of flu season.  Last January, we all got the norovirus and last April Sofia was hospitalized with the rotavirus.  As far as I'm concerned that's more than enough reason to quarantine our whole family.  I don't know how realistic or possible it will be, but I'm sure going to try.

Having a name for the feelings I had and am starting to have again is incredibly validating.  To know that I'm not the only person in the world who feels this way or does these things makes me feel so much less alone and I draw strength from virtually standing with the women who follow and support these practices.  It was hard to be called rude and inconsiderate when all I wanted to do was keep my newborn baby close to me, but it's different now.  My feelings have a name, they have roots in cultural history and I have more faith in following my gut instincts.  

It could be because I'm older or that this is my second child but this time I have a quiet conviction about this birth and this child.  I will hold her close, give her what she needs and the naysayers can go say their nays somewhere else.

My family will be in our cuarentena and we will welcome you with open arms when we're done.

...............................

*So, I'm really curious to know:  Did you do a 'laying-in' when your baby was born?  A cuarentena?  Something like it?  Did you want to and you weren't able?  Do you 'pass the baby?'  

*Obviously, no one way is better than the other and while I vote for quarantine, that doesn't mean that passing the baby is bad.  If that's what you do and you're happy with it, rock the hell on.  Peace.