Honey, I'm home!

You guys!  I'm in my house!  I'm in my house!  Wait, isn't that a song?  Hang on...  Holy shit, it IS!  I love that!  

Anyway y'all!  We are home and what a whirlwind this has been!  The movers came on Thursday and I was never happier to see that big giant truck with all my STUFF!

The good from Desiree on Vimeo.

They started bringing in the boxes.  And they brought in  more boxes.  And more after that and I started to wonder how in the world we had that much stuff, and where in the world it was all going to go!  It seemed like every other box got sent to the basement because there was no room upstairs.  But we rocked it out!

Sofia got strapped in the Ergo and we both directed the movers.

Bless her heart, she had to take her nap on the back patio because her room wasn't set up.

She's such a champ.

The day was super hectic and the house felt tinier by the minute but soon enough it was packed to the brim with all of our boxes.

Hopefully that's everything!

My poor hubby - his precious Big Green Egg didn't survive the trip unscathed.

Thank goodness the moving company will replace it - gotta love those full-coverage policies!

Thanks to my OCD detail-oriented husband, the majority of the boxes are gone and the basement is crazy organized.  I'm going to do a video tour later this week JUST to show you the basement because I'm so impressed.  I left for a couple of hours on Friday when they were unpacking everything and by the time I came back, everything had a place.  Thank God for Drew, because you know my ass would have thrown those boxes down the stairs, shut off the light, closed the door and promptly forgot about it all!  The only reason I don't have a video tour now is because he has been a proper drill sergeant about getting everything unpacked and put away as best as possible.

It is strictly and solely because of Drew that this has even happened.  If it were up to me, all that crap would be in a pile right where the movers left it.

But because of my awesome hubs, things are sorta kinda put away and my mom came yesterday to help with the baby while I get things sorted even more.  They've been having a blast and it has been a godsend to have her here.  I'm totally scrambling to get everything done while she's here because I know it'll take ten times longer once she's gone.  Plus, she does fun stuff with the baby.

She's already schooling Sofia on the merits of keeping your hair did.

Putting my baby to bed in her crib in her room in our house was the best feeling in the world.  As I laid her down, I felt so much peace and contentment and I felt my shoulders releasing all kinds of tension.  Until I thought the movers had lost her canvas.  The Canvas.  They had unpacked all the baby's things, including her decorations and The Canvas wasn't there.  I was sick to my stomach and immediately went to Facebook to, ahem, vent.

The Canvas is the most prized decoration I have for her room.  It meant so much to me and when I thought it was gone, well, I may have gone a little crazy.  But then I started opening boxes and finally found it in a box marked 'kitchen' of all things.  I thought all the clothes in her dresser were gone too because I thought they'd emptied all of our dressers.  I didn't know that they'd just emptied mine and Drew's.  They left her clothes in her dresser and because the drawers weren't full, they stuffed them with paper.  I was so distraught over The Canvas I didn't even think to push aside the paper in the drawers until later tonight when I was putting away the clothes we had at the apartment.  I felt SO SHEEPISH!  Talk about egg on my face!

But all that matters is that my baby has all her stuff, we're in our house and we've already done some decorating!

Which I have to show you tomorrow, because I just looked through the pictures I have and they are terrible!  Even by my standards!  So I promise cross my heart I'll have a video post for you with all the details.  But I hear the baby right now, so I have to run.  

I'm in my house!

Note to self

Dudes, my emotions - they've been a-swirlin'.  My gas tank is on empty and I've got nowhere to turn.  The personal drama meter is higher than it's ever been and it's taking everything I've got to simply keep it between the fences.  My only comfort is that I'm not the first person to be in this situation and I won't be the last, and while I put this here to remind myself more than anyone, maybe it'll help someone else.

I was googling around for inspiration and strength and this is what spoke to me (bolding mine):

The best advice I can give you is that as soon as you feel yourself getting "sucked in," take a step back and remind yourself that it's not your responsibility to please everyone or make everyone around you happy. Accept that you cannot change their perspectives or their personalities, and don't take their issues on your own shoulders. Minimize your exposure as much as possible and spend more time with those who lift you up vs. bring you down. source

And since there's been all kinds of fighting lately, it would probably be a good thing to remember those rules for fighting fair, as I hang my head in shame that I've been breaking so so many of them.

Take it private and keep it private.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don't have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.

Keep it relevant.
Don't bring up old grudges or sore points when they don't belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn't deteriorate into a free-for-all.

Keep it real.
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get real about what is bothering you, or you will come away from the exchange even more frustrated.

Avoid character assassination.
Stay focused on the issue, rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don't let the fight degenerate into name-calling.

Remain task-oriented.
Know what you want going into the disagreement. If you don't have a goal in mind, you won't know when you've achieved it.

Allow for your partner to retreat with dignity. How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps in the form of an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.

Be proportional in your intensity.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be.

There's a time limit.
Arguments should be temporary, so don't let them get out of hand. Don't allow the ugliness of an argument to stretch on indefinitely. source

I literally don't even want to see these words because how often have I popped off at the mouth because I have something to say right that second and have not been more cognizant of my daughter being in the room.  I will exercise self-control for the sake of my daughter.

I'm actually pretty good at keeping it relevant, so there's that.  And then I crash back down, because I am a character assassination QUEEN.  I can name-call with the best of them and I'm too good at hitting below the belt.  I will keep it clean for the sake of my daughter.

And oh my Lord, retreat with dignity.  Raise your hand if you're good at that one, and then tell me how to do it.  I can't count how many fights have ended because we're just too exhausted to fight anymore, not because anything has been fixed.  That one is a skill that I must learn and master because I only know how to fight to win, and by win, I mean beat my opponent to a bloody pulp.  I will learn to accept apologies with dignity and grace so I can teach my daughter.

These words have helped me and perhaps they will help someone else.  The next thing I have to learn is how to employ these tactics in the face of those who don't fight fair.  How to keep it relevant and dignified when it's MY character being destroyed, because that's what makes me see red and go searching for your jugular.  How to maintain self-control when MY buttons are being pushed.

But I must learn these things, I must do better because regardless of the nonsense I have to deal with, regardless of the lies that are told about me, I must do better because I am a Mother and that means something.  I must live the life I want my daughter to emulate.  I will fall short but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't try.  Every day.

Every day.

Reason 693 why I suck as a mother

I had it all wrong.

Here I was, being all 'woe is me' and feeling sad about life.  I was sad because I had to leave Texas, where I'd lived for the past 17 years.  I was sad because I have no friends here and the prospects are pretty slim.  I was sad because even though we're together, I'm still alone.  I was sad that I've been living like this for pretty much the past year and I was cracking at the seams because of it.

But I've had it all wrong.  

I've been thinking of myself when I should have been thinking of my daughter.  I need to be thinking about the fact that everything she's ever known has been turned upside down.  She sleeps in a crib, but now it's a pack n play.  She used to have weekly playdates and now there are none.  She's so smart and so aware and she gets her vibes from me and she knows things are off.  She knows that this isn't her house and I haven't been sensitive enough to that.  I've been impatient with her when she pulls at me while I'm on the phone with Comcast trying to set up our internet.  As if that matters.  I'm the only constant in her world and I've been expecting her to be okay with things, as if she can.  She's been wanting to nurse night and day and it's been hard on me because it's literally all night and all day.

But where the hell do I get off being annoyed by the fact that my daughter is doing the only thing she knows how to do in order to cope with all this upheaval?  Seriously, I can't believe how much I suck right now.

And who the hell am I that I'm letting outside drama keep me from being the best mother I can be?  Where do I get off being upset?  I mean, I know I'm a person but I have a responsibility as a mother to keep my shit together and I have been falling down on the job.

Well, no fucking more.  Right here right now, it stops.  I've been slipping, but no more.  It is my job to make sure that Sofia is okay, nothing else.  Fuck the internet, fuck painting the house, fuck moving in, fuck it all.  Nothing matters but my kid.  Nothing matters if she's not okay.

I don't have all the answers and most days I don't know what I'm doing and most other days I'm pretty sure I'm screwing up, but one thing I do know is that I would go to the ends of the Earth for that little girl.  Her happiness is all I want in life.  I need to be better for her, so I need to suck it up, put on a happy face and be a better mother.  And I'm going to be, starting right now.

I just needed to get that off my chest.