Reason 693 why I suck as a mother

I had it all wrong.

Here I was, being all 'woe is me' and feeling sad about life.  I was sad because I had to leave Texas, where I'd lived for the past 17 years.  I was sad because I have no friends here and the prospects are pretty slim.  I was sad because even though we're together, I'm still alone.  I was sad that I've been living like this for pretty much the past year and I was cracking at the seams because of it.

But I've had it all wrong.  

I've been thinking of myself when I should have been thinking of my daughter.  I need to be thinking about the fact that everything she's ever known has been turned upside down.  She sleeps in a crib, but now it's a pack n play.  She used to have weekly playdates and now there are none.  She's so smart and so aware and she gets her vibes from me and she knows things are off.  She knows that this isn't her house and I haven't been sensitive enough to that.  I've been impatient with her when she pulls at me while I'm on the phone with Comcast trying to set up our internet.  As if that matters.  I'm the only constant in her world and I've been expecting her to be okay with things, as if she can.  She's been wanting to nurse night and day and it's been hard on me because it's literally all night and all day.

But where the hell do I get off being annoyed by the fact that my daughter is doing the only thing she knows how to do in order to cope with all this upheaval?  Seriously, I can't believe how much I suck right now.

And who the hell am I that I'm letting outside drama keep me from being the best mother I can be?  Where do I get off being upset?  I mean, I know I'm a person but I have a responsibility as a mother to keep my shit together and I have been falling down on the job.

Well, no fucking more.  Right here right now, it stops.  I've been slipping, but no more.  It is my job to make sure that Sofia is okay, nothing else.  Fuck the internet, fuck painting the house, fuck moving in, fuck it all.  Nothing matters but my kid.  Nothing matters if she's not okay.

I don't have all the answers and most days I don't know what I'm doing and most other days I'm pretty sure I'm screwing up, but one thing I do know is that I would go to the ends of the Earth for that little girl.  Her happiness is all I want in life.  I need to be better for her, so I need to suck it up, put on a happy face and be a better mother.  And I'm going to be, starting right now.

I just needed to get that off my chest.